Imma big Chicken

[nikki2014]

I'm sure we all go through this but I thought I'd post my thoughts. A lot of the time I get these thoughts in my head and say you know what I'm just gonna go for it. I think of just small random things to hey I'm getting all out dressed and gonna go for it. And then.... I chicken out. I've mentioned to my wife and shows knows, not that she's a big fan or fan at all but she knows. She knows I have a small wardrobe in our closet. I was even going to put my underwear (the guy type) in my drawer along where my bra and panties are and I just stood there and continued to talk to her. She turned and looked at me and said you're fine go ahead and put them up. I said know I'm just talking to you.

I think she also knows I wear panties and bra under my clothes. She doesn't say anything but she gives me this look as if I know. She doesn't want to see me dressed. But I also get mixed signals when I ask her if we can go get a pedicure and she say we'll go Friday or we'l go Wednesday. We never do but I'm not sure if she forgot, just got busy, just doesn't want to or what.

I'm pretty sure that if I walked into the room with my wife and I had my toes painted she would say OMG, umm, what are you doing? Would she leave me or divorce me because of it? No. We've been through enough other BS in our lives and me painting my nails or wear a girly shirt is the least of any of our issues could be. She was sitting on the couch the other day and I forgot to put my girly shorts up and my thong panties. She sat down and saw them and said what are these, oh gross. but it was more of a humor type voice rather than a holy cow anger type voice. I just went over there picked them up and said sorry and went to put them up. Everything was normal after that. One day I forgot to pick up my girly sandals and she found them tried them on and said oh these are cute and put them back down. I've noticed lately when going to the gym she's been wearing my girly gym attire. I even made a comment to her about how cute her, um my shirt was and she just smiled.

But I can also say I'm a big chicken. I get these thoughts running through my head at times and say you know what, I'm just gonna wear a girly shirt or a girly pair of shorts or I'm gonna get my toes painted or whatever. I get these thoughts in my head and just say screw it I'm gonna do it and get the nerve to do it and then when it's time I chicken out. Don't get me wrong it's not just with her but it's even when I'm alone or something and feel like doing it. When I'm home alone for quite some time I have no problem. If I have an errand to run where I know I'm not going to get out of the car I say I'm gonna do it and then don't .

So this really I don't think is about her but it's about me. I just get scared of her reaction if I were to wear a shirt or toes painted or something along those lines. She knows also too that I would never show or let any of my kids find out either. Even when I'm alone I'm afraid to go out. I'm afraid to go out of the house with some undergarments on.

What do I do or what do you suggest? What is wrong with me that I can't go over the edge and just brave it out? Advice?
Thanks,
Nikki

[JenniferMBlack]

First you need to determine what you are afraid of. Is it the wife's reaction, being seen by someone you know, being seen in girls clothes, or something else entirely. From your writings it seams your wife is at least tolerant maybe even accepting possibly supportive. If it is her reaction ask her how it would make her feel. It sounds like she is willing to go get mani/ pedi with you but dont expect her to say hey let's go. If she says we will go on Saturday it is then up to you to say let's go to the salon. If you don't she may think you changed your mind or she may have forgot about it, or she is waiting for you to bring it up.

[Lana Mae]

Your wife seems fairly accepting or tolerant as she did not have a major problem when she found your clothes. I think you need to lighten up on your self. You can do this and your wife doesn't seem to have a problem with it. Try the panties under male clothes first. Put them and your male clothes on and go sit on the porch or walk in your yard. No alarm will sound and no one will start pointing fingers or yell at you! You need to relax and enjoy! IMHO Hugs and best wishes Lana Mae

[Sometimes Steffi]

One thing you could do is drown the chicken in a shot of liquid courage, you know, whisky, bourbon or scotch.

Or better yet, just pretend you've had a shot of liquid courage and just do it.

The charge of the light brigade

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns!” he said.
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

For example. The first time I did a pedicure, I planned it like a military operation. I researched salons. I checked them out on Google maps. I did recon. I did a drive by to make sure that people walking by couldn't see me inside the salon. Found a place to park my car so I could walk from the salon to my car without being seen.

A soon as the op was a go, it started going south. The parking spots in front of the salon were taken, so I had to park further away. I drove around for a while, and then just picked the best one available. I had an appointment, the last one of the day. I didn't want to screw up the op because I missed the starting off time. I went into the salon. Oh no! Collateral damage. When I got inside, there was a 10 y.o.girl in there with her mom. Maybe she won't see me, and the mom won't care. It comes time to paint the nails. I'm shaking so much, the nail tech can't even paint the nails. I go back to my training. I take a few relaxing breaths to stop the shaking and the op is back on. Success. The toenails are painted. Head to the drying station and then successful exfil to the car.

Mission was a success. Toes painted with Revlon's "Cherries in the Snow". They are more beautiful than I even imagined. All the stress was so, so worth it. When's my next mission?

Don't laugh girls. This is my story, and I'm sticking to it. And it's true, but maybe I did get a little PTSD, because I still remember it in detail over 10 year later.

[TheHiddenMe]

I just posted a thread on the picture directory about my last year on the board, from being reluctant to post a picture to going out over 15 times in the last six months.

I had been underdressing for over 10 years. I would even put panties on occasionally at the locker room at the gym. Never an issue.

My wife bought us a spa day as a Christmas present. Massage and a pedicure. My wife then surprised me during the pedicure when she had the tech paint them (loved it). I kept the polish on for 6 weeks. Went to the gym, and either showered at home or in the family restroom.

Last October with my wife out of town I wanted to dress for four days in a row. So I wanted to get my fingernails done. Went in as a guy, had them done in the open. The nail tech was tremendous. Had them done again in April at the same place. The nail tech this time was almost giddy about doing my nails.

We create mountains out of molehill in our heads, and then find out we are afraid of ghosts that don't exist. As Nike says, "Just do it."

[Sami Brown]

Steffi, that was a really good story!

I am convinced most men don't have the guts to try some of the things we try to do. I have found it difficult to become brave enough to do seemingly simple things, but bravery eventually won the day. The good news is that it seems to get a little easier over time.

Nikki, going in public while wearing panties is as easy as going in public with jockey shorts. Nobody knows what you are wearing underneath. I think it is a good way to become accustomed to the sensation, with very little risk.

Regards, Sami

[Teresa]

Nikki,
Part of these feelings stem from not knowing what your CDing means to you,maybe you chicken out because you can't justify it or don't fully accept it yourself. If you you had the feeling 24/7 , the needs just won't go away then you would find ways to do it , mentally it's impossible to contain it.

Don't put yourself by calling yourself chicken , we must all do what we feel is right , if it doesn't stress you too much then perhaps you've already reached a balance with it. The good part is you wife isn't totally against it, if you really put it together and feel good she may relent and accept seeing you. Maybe take some pictures then you have the choice of showing her those instead when the time is right .

Nothing wrong with you you don't want to upset your current lifestyle too much .

[reb.femme]

One thing you could do is drown the chicken in a shot of liquid courage, you know, whisky, bourbon or scotch...

I'd opt for the Jack Daniels and Coke, if I may?

A chicken? No, just adult fear, worry, call it what you will.

The problem is, you have to overcome your own fear first. If your wife accepts, ask her how she feels about you openly wearing an item or two. Unless you ask, you can't know. I think I've read this right?

I know from my own experience of acceptance, no acceptance, somewhere in between, repeat ad nauseum situation. I wish you well in your life together.

Becky

[Stephanie47]

Back in February 2016 you wrote a long thread in part on your wife's acceptance, non acceptance, limitations, etc. I think part of your reluctance is not really knowing how your wife feels about you wearing women's clothing. I think you're also not confronting your own feelings on wearing women's clothing. Most of us, if not all, have gone through a period of self reflection. If your wife is not totally on board, then isn't it probable she is not going to give you that level of acceptance you desire? Even if you decide to don some pretties and sit right in front of her she may just blow it all off and say nothing. No hostility. No acceptance. Just leave you hanging. Maybe she does not want to cause friction. Maybe she does not know how to handle it. You've stated in the past she thought men wearing makeup turned her off.

I think if your wife came right out and stated it was alright with her if you went out en femme she know you are not going to do it. Maybe you and your wife need to sit down and discuss the issue rather than skirting around it. She should tell you what her limitations are. She may not like it when you openly dress around her. Maybe she would not be upset if you explored your needs on a higher level in a safe and secure environment such as a support group.

If think you need to progress past the need of true acceptance of your cross dressing by your wife.

[Jenny22]

What others have said. I suggest you research this forum to give you ideas as to how you can overcome your fears and concerns. Its very easy to underdress. Many do it daily, as do I (fully so). You are very lucky to have a wife who is somewhat understanding. Do get a pedicure! I've done it many times, and its fun! The last two or three times, I went in with polished nails which I did myself, and felt no fear. At some point, ask your wife to polish them, and maybe you can do hers. It takes time to achieve greater acceptance, but you can do incrementally. You just have to start it. Why not now?

[Dana44]

Nikki, Don't have any fear. You seem to have an accepting wife. even though she doesn't seem like it. It does take guts. As Steffi say's it some sometimes is hard. Nevertheless, Do it. For example the first time I went out I put on a nice dress and wore my platform six inch heels. Took my diesel truck to the movies. MY So told me how to walk and engage curbs in heels. Walked right by a cop and he didn't even look at me strangely then on into the movie house. LOL I was nervous but did it anyway. I must have no fear.

[suzanne]

If you are anything like me, you have been raised with the notion that expressing femininity is one of the biggest taboos for a male. Without questioning it, nearly all males and most females buy into it. So a man who finds out he has an interest in crossdresssing has a TON of old baggage to unpack before he can accept himself. That seems to be where you are. Fortunately, your wife has shown better acceptance than many other members here have experienced. Even though she gives you the stink eye, it's a far cry from threatening to burn the marriage down and smear you name to everyone she knows.

You need to look deep into the roots of your own non self acceptance, and how false and even damaging the old notion of masculinity really is. Once you have learned to really love yourself, then you can find a way to break down the misgivings your wife has

[ellbee]

One day I forgot to pick up my girly sandals and she found them tried them on and said oh these are cute and put them back down. I've noticed lately when going to the gym she's been wearing my girly gym attire. I even made a comment to her about how cute her, um my shirt was and she just smiled.

This says to me that it's not a lost cause.


I've learned along the way that it's always important to be sure to highlight what's in it for the other party. What sort of benefit do *they* receive?

Typically I use that for business dealings, but it's also great for personal dealings, as well.


The bottom line is, since she is trying on & even borrowing your clothes, she basically gets an expanded wardrobe without lifting a finger. And in the case of the sandals, she gets to "shop" at home, trying on things in-person to see if she'd like them for herself.

Not a bad deal for many GG's.


Might not sound like much, but it could make or break this, ya know?

If I were in this position, I would try to play up this aspect every now & then.


Oh, and I would *not* be trying on & borrowing her clothes. Just let her do her thing.

[stephanie2000]

This is a great post Nikki, thank you for sharing it. So much in there to relate too. I have been battling similar issues for probably 20 years now. I have gone out with panties, stockings and a bra on under my male clothing and even had dinner with a friend while doing it. I was so scared but so overcome with the desire that I couldn't contain myself and just did it. However, I do not have the connection with my spouse that you do, so my dressing is 100% secret and go to great lengths to keep it that way. I don't recommend this at all and I mention here because that's where I am a chicken. I just can't at all see myself ever being dressed or fem in any capacity with the circle of people in my life today. That' not a reflection of the people in my life just me not being able to resolve it in my head, thus I hide it with all that I can muster. Lately I have been trying and wanting to go out with other CD's fully dressed and later this month the opportunity will be there. I hope I can muster the courage to go through with it, like you have had the courage to address the things you have with your spouse. You have overcome so much, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will find yourself where you want to be.

[AlissaMurray]

Laurababe, I think that is excellent advice. From what I have read I think she would prefer Nikki to be what she thinks is normal in her mind. However it was said they have been through a lot and they do have a good bond. And come on now, she wears Nikki's clothes to the gym. I don't know how much more accepting she could be. I also STRONGLY agree that Nikki should stay far far away from the wife's things, unless offered up...that's different. I also agree the only reason nails have not gotten done is because Nikki does not push the issue when the moment arrives. The wife figures it's just talk. This is all interesting to watch unfold. That's my two cents for what it's worth.

[Helen_Highwater]

Nikki,

When you see a male walking in the street can you tell if he's wearing boxers or briefs under his trousers? Answer no. So that being the case why should you going out wearing knickers (panties) be any different to those looking at you. A bra can be different as depending upon what you wear over it it's possible for the outline to show through.

In the winter I've worn holdups all day under my trousers ( just make sure your socks are pulled up when you sit down). No-one knows! It's just my little secret.

You asked about what to do to over come the fear. As others have said start by wearing them regularly around the house to get used to the feeling. It will come to the point were as some stage you've just got to rationalise the thoughts in your head, take a deep breath and step out the door.

What I and others will guarantee is that there won't be an angry hoard with pitchforks and torches chasing you down the street. To the viewing world it will be you just going about your business like anyother ordinary day.

[Beverley Sims]

You don't have to go over the edge or even push it, your wife will acknowledge her approval over time.

I think you are doing well already.

As long as you progress in very little bits.....

Have Patience. :-)

[nikki2014]

Here's an update to the original post. I asked my wife if we could go get a pedi and she says no. I left it without questioning. I had a few things to do around the house and I quickly did them cause I knew the nail salon closed I'm an hour and a half. So I did the things I needed to get done and then said the nail salon closes in and hour, I'm going to get a pedi, you going or not? She said fine I'll go. We went and walked in the door and she said we were there to get pedi's. She went over and picked out a color and I asked her to pick me one too. She said she would but I was going to be seen by other family this weekend and wasn't a good idea. I said true. Well we finished up our pedi and headed home. It was a great day.

Saturday I texted her a message. I had been thinking of what to say to her. I finally got the words and she couldn't talk on the phone at the time I sent her a text message that said "You know I love you. And I know you know but I would feel better if I told you. And I would feel even better if I got some reassurance from you. I really enjoy wearing panties and bras. It makes me feel really comfortable and relaxed. I don't know why and I can't answer why. 😔it doesn't change who I am, I'm still me." She replied and said I know and I don't understand either. We'll talk later. That evening. Before bed and she started talking. All I did was listen. She asked why and I told her I couldn't really answer. She did ask why all of a sudden over the last few years have I decided I wanted to tell her. I said that I really feel comfortable with her and I feel at ease and that I trust her. We sat and talked a bit more but she summed it up by saying I love you too and I don't understand it either. I don't necessarily agree with it but I'll accept it. She does know I have all my clothes and such and she did say she liked some of my clothes and that they were cute to wear. All she asked was that I don't flaunt it around and/or dress around her as she didn't want to see it. But she did say that she would accept it.

From that conversation I felt a whole lot better. She even said I know who you are and are still the amazing person. She said she would add that to one of many hobby's I already have. The next morning she came up to give me a hug and I think she was feeling me out to see if I had a bra and panties on which I did. And she was ok with it and gave me a big kiss.