I used to have crossdresser denial

[RainbowDash]

When I started dressing up as Princess Peach Toadstool from the Mario Brothers video games at age 32, surprisingly I did not even know what a crossdresser was. Whatever the case, all I knew was that I liked dressing up like a princess, and felt tremendously good when I did it too. It never occurred to me that I was actually crossdressing. Before Princess Peach became my favorite video game character, I liked Bowser Koopa more, and my best friend knew this. One day I asked him what his reaction would be if I were dressed up as Peach, and then Bowser came after me to kidnap me. I did not let on to him that I had her outfit and had worn it many times before. He wondered if I was a crossdresser, and since I didn't know what one was at the time, I said no. But I knew how he might react if he saw me dressed up like a girl.
A few years later, I was working at the movie theatre when "Sex and the city 2" came out. A lady from a women's clothing store in our shopping mall was there for the occasion and was handing out 10% off coupons. I was joking when I asked "Where's mine?". The lady asked if I wanted one, and I quickly replied "No thank you.". She said "Are you sure? We get a few of those in the store too." I realized she was talking about crossdressers, but I politely declined and told her I wasn't into it. Sure I liked to dress up as Princess Peach, but that didn't mean I was a crossdresser myself, did it?
Well not too long after that, I suddenly began to think about how it might be interesting to put on women's clothing, just to see what it was like. But I did not feel comfortable going into a shop and doing this, for the obvious fear that I would be made fun of. Still I was not sure whether or not I was a crossdresser, but I wanted to at least try it out. I wished I had taken her up on her offer, but I could not remember what store she worked at. Every time I was in the shopping area, I was constantly reminded of that day, and how I regretted not doing it. I began to think I was going to go through life never getting the opportunity to crossdress, and I so badly wanted to. I felt like I was really missing out on something real special that was trying to open its doors to me and invite me in, but because of my fear I kept closing that door and went on with life, all the while feeling a little depressed because of it.
That's when I found the crossdresser store which I currently shop at now, and a whole new chapter in my life opened up for me. Still, if I hadn't been in denial about being a crossdresser, I could have gotten an earlier start in life sometime in my late 30's, rather than starting at 42. Also maybe by now I'd have enough courage to go into a store and try stuff on, rather than just buying it online. I still have not gotten to that point yet.

[Krea]

Hi,
I guess many of us went thru a time of denial/shame/guilt etc before we finally accepted that wearing the clothes we want to is not wrong, it's just different from the traditional expectation of how men should look.

I didn't discover that i enjoyed crossdressing until the brink of middle-age. It would have been great to experience all of this at a much younger age, but we can't change the past so just have to make the most of the experience now. Enjoy!

Best wishes, Nic

[GretchenM]

Hi,
The truth will always win. The question is what is the truth in terms of our own identities? It seems to be a journey of discovery for most of us and the motivations differ from person to person. Denial of a desire to express as the opposite sex is quite normal because we are reacting to the society and its expectations that crossing over is, well, strange. But because sexual identity and gender identity tend to operate fairly independently of each other denial of the truth is pretty much the rule when these "strange" feelings and urges appear and throw us off balance. From there on it is an individualized journey of discovery and expansion of your experience and facing the truth about exactly who you are in the core. Your story sounds very familiar to me. I would strongly deny those feelings but the more I denied them the stronger they would become. Eventually, I had to accept it more personally even though publicly I would deny any thing to do with it because that is what was expected. That grew stronger and the public denial eventually faded some. I am still not public about it. But it is still evolving. Enjoy the journey. At some point you will likely find a place where you are comfortable. But where that is probably is not predictable. It is the doing and living that is important; the titles don't really matter when it comes to your personal identity. It just feels right.

Gretchen

[Lana Mae]

Hi and thanks for sharing! You did better than me! I did not actually figure it out until I was 65! Liked panties but did not know why! Did not connect panty wearing and crossdressing! Naive or stupid, don't know which! I know now and panties every day with occasional dressing to the max! Enjoy the journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[RainbowDash]

There is no more denial really. When I ordered my first set of clothing and tried it on, I kinda liked what I saw. That only got about 100 times better when I got a set of breast forms to go with it. I realized then that I was destined to become a crossdresser. For awhile I was still a little bit in denial, but quickly got over it, and I began to enjoy it more and more, anxiously awaiting the arrival of any article of feminine clothing I bought (and still do).
Shortly before I started crossdressing, I thought it was simply because I wanted to be Princess Peach, but that was because I liked how fabulous she looked in her princess outfit. I almost even wanted to be her too. I kept imagining myself as her, especially when I would wear her outfit. But the whole time, I never gave any serious thought to being a transgender, and the reason for that is because I know I am happy as a man.

[Tracii G]

Once you learn to accept it all you will be fine.
Just because you like to wear womens clothes doesn't mean you are gay, a pervert or a sexual deviant of some sort you just like the clothes.
The whole princess things sounds like a fetish which is OK too lots of CDers are fetish dressers.

I will add the more you try to figure out why you like to dress up you are embarking on a quest that has no end because there is no defined answer.
Best to just enjoy what you do and accept it as part of you.
Worrying about all the whys and how comes just causes other problems.

[RainbowDash]

Do u remember how I was telling all of u that I didn't feel comfortable going into a store for women's clothing? Well yesterday I finally conquered my fear, but in a small way. Basically all the clothes I bought were from the website I had talked about before, and I bought 1 other item from amazon, with the seller probably not knowing I was a guy.
For quite awhile I have been wanting a pair of high heel ankle boots. Another online store had a pair that I fell in love with, so I decided to buy from them. The problem was, I wasn't too sure about my size and didn't want to go through the hassle of an exchange, so I thought it best to talk to a sales representative. The first thing I asked her was, "Do u cater to crossdressers?", and she said yes. This is the first time I have ever told anyone else that I was a crossdresser, and I felt quite a bit of relief when she didn't start laughing or anything like that lol. People before had told me that I was just another customer, another sale, and that they didn't care if I was a guy. Glad they were right. So now that I have made a big step forward, I'm very much hoping sometime in the future to be able to walk into a store to try on a dress or 2.

[CynthiaD]

For a long time I just refused to think about it. I didn't even try to reconcile the fact that I loved wearing female clothing. It was just something I did with no implications whatsoever. But then one day it hit me: I'm a crossdresser! I was so elated by the idea that I'd wake up in the middle of the night crying tears of joy. I jumped in with both feet and never looked back. (Well, I was pretty far along anyway.)

[Dana44]

Many of us have had that. When we were young we had to be men. I knew then that I was so different and told my first wife that I would beat to my own drum. It took me years to figure it out ad accept myself. Once you do that you will feel a lot better.

[AileenCD]

Many of us have had that. When we were young we had to be men. I knew then that I was so different and told my first wife that I would beat to my own drum. It took me years to figure it out ad accept myself. Once you do that you will feel a lot better.

Yes, indeed. I'm very social, and I liked dressing as a kid in different uniforms and things. I had no problem imagining myself as characters that I saw on TV or in real life. Even so, what did I choose for my first big Halloween? to be a girl!! it came from out of the blue, it was just kind of natural. I guess I thought, well, at Halloween you can be anything you want, kind of like Christmas, so.....! My mom was very understanding, and jumped in with a trip to Goodwill for clothes, and even made a cute hat with blond wig. I remember feeling really, really good. My mom says that a boy taunted me, and I hit him with my purse; not very ladylike, maybe.

Then that kind of disappeared, and I went on to baseball uniforms and other things. My fascination with women's clothes remained, though. I wore my friend's mom's bras when I could, and when my family moved to an apartment complex, I spied on an older teen girl there, and stole her bra from the drying line. I didn't really think about it as "crossdressing" -- I didn't now about that, and when we had visitors from out of town my parents would take them to clubs with female impersonators, but I they were clearly nothing like me.

My real awakening came when I had a girlfriend in her twenties, I was older, who discovered I was wearing her lingerie when she was away. At first she was really angry, but to her credit, she listened and changed. She realized that the softer, feminine side of me was what had attracted her to me, and the making love as two girls was very, very hot sex. Even so, she met a guy who was super masculine, and went off with him to have babies, and I was left questioning my sexuality.

I was left alone with the internet, and my first searches were things like "lingerie" and "bras" and then "crossdressing" popped up, and I devoured whatever I could find about it. I remember writing her a not that I had discovered who/what I was, and declaring to her, "I'm a crossdresser"!!!
After decades of, well, crossdressing, whenever I could, I'd discovered crossdressing. I discovered that there were others, many others, that felt the same ways that I did, and they were ordinary people like me. I met some gurls, and also gg's, on line that nurtured my feminine self, and also enjoyed the very hot and satisfying sexuality of me as a gurl. Aileen matured, graduated from grammar school, high school and college in a few short weeks, and emerged as a woman.

That's not to say I'm not still in the closet. There are many reasons to hide in the closet, and denial is one of them, but that sort of denial is past...here in my closet surrounded by dresses, well, kind of hard to ignore, isn't it? Nevertheless, there are plenty of blind spots and inhibitions, personally and socially, that linger, and have obscured the pure and innocent desires of a boy choosing to show his femininity to all at Halloween.

Thanks for listening

[Lacey New]

I was in crossdresser denial for a number of years before i found this site. I guess on a comparative basis, my dressing is very lite , somewhat infrequent and not as nearly involved as many of the sisters on this site but based on what I have read and what I do, I guess I am really a crossdresser. The urge to wear women's garments does not go away. I like to shop, even if it is just window shopping on line and I really plan for and enjoy those times that I get to shop and actually buy. Yes, I am still very much in the closet and I intend to keep it that way but that does not diminish the fact that I am Lacey from time to time. My biggest thrill was when i bought my first dress at Dress Barn. i wen in in drab but undredressed and was treated very well and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I think that is when I stopped denying what I am.

[stephanie2000]

Great Post Lacy, I couldn't have summed up my experience any better. Although I have yet to get to Dress Barn to get a proper dress. I'm wearing lingerie and some outfits at home but I do want to get some nicer more relevant clothing so I can go out dressed soon. I will however remain in the closet as well, at least for the foreseeable future.
Hugs
Stephanie

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I also loved Traci G's comment here. Sometimes I not sure were I fall, fetish dresser, cross dresser, etc. I do love the way I feel and look in women's clothes better than I do in men's clothing. I continue to seek more and more information as I progress. Thanks Traci...and Thanks to this forum I am feeling better and better about myself.

[RainbowDash]

I should also point out that as a man I really don't care much how I look, and basically almost always wear khaki shorts and a t-shirt. If u told me I could look more fashionable as a man by buying nicer clothes, I would not waste a single dollar most likely. But when I present myself as a woman, I go all out for stylish clothes (at least what I think is stylish for women) I absolutely love the way I feel and look when dressing en femme, and practically die waiting when I purchase something new and wait for it to arrive to my house. Being a crossdresser makes me feel a lot more good about myself.

[Rachel05]

I started crossdressing at 8yo but for many many years the guilt, the excuses, the not wanting to admit or use the word crossdresser (transvestite back then) was a killer

Even though I was crossdressing and got my enjoyment, the post dressing guilt used to take some of the gloss off it for me, then there was wife issue and keeping it from her etc etc etc

Now, many year later, I love who I am and enjoy every second of my crossdressing, but I can't help feel that so many years were wasted with the unresolved feelings

I can now call myself a crossdresser and I feel no guilt, it makes me smile to be happy in who I am