Will the Pink-Fog come back and get me in trouble?

[Judy-Somthing]

Two months ago after I told my wife that I've been dressing since I was five, she told me I ruined her life.

I haven't dressed in three months. I told her I would try to stop. She said she knows I won't, that I'll just hide it better.

Well now the wife and I seem to be back to normal.

The Pink-Fog is very low right now and I haven't had the desire to dress but, I still am checking out what ever women is wearing.

If the Pink-Fog comes back at some point I'm afraid all hell will break loose if I bring it up or get caught.

Time will tell.

[Dana44]

Ah Judy, For sure you will get it back. Guess you better hide it from her though. Perhaps get a DADT agreement from her. .

[~Joanne~]

yeah, it's coming back, there's no real stopping that. It's part of You, a part your wife would rather ignore and disown. I don't know if DADT will help but it might not hurt to try.

[Lana Mae]

Careful,girl! For me when it came on, it came like a tidal wave! Don't know what to tell you about the wife and such! Wish you all the best! Hugs Lana Mae

[Rachael Leigh]

Judy I will only say this if this has been around for you since childhood supressing it is not a good idea. I know there are ways to do that because I did it as well but the draw and desire was just to strong and I finally just accepted it.
Not trying to scare you but it most likely will return and probably stronger

[Tina Davis]

Judy, I understand your situation as mine is very similar. I only dress when my wife is on a trip without me, which doesn't happen very often. She has shown extreme anger towards my hiding my dressing and towards the thought of me keeping secrets from her. She also has the "I'm OK with transgender, but not with my husband" viewpoint, so I always have to fight the pink fog. I let it come on this past week as she has been away, and tonight I am sadly packing everything up for storage. In my case, bringing up the dressing will not change her mind about it, so I keep it to myself. Don't give up hope, but for right now, you should probably keep your promise to try.

Tina

[Tama]

Judy, would counseling help? I mean to say there are therapists who work in this area, and might be able to facilitate a way between you both. As someone else once said, you go see the counselor first and get them up to speed, and then invite your other half in...worth a try I'd think...good luck

[Helen_Highwater]

Judy,
I read your opening line;

Two months ago after I told my wife that I've been dressing since I was five, she told me I ruined her life

It reminded me of conversations I'd had with various people over the years who held less than favorable views on those who came out as being gay. I'd point out that knowing someone is gay had absolutely no effect upon anything in their own lives. The price of petrol, food, mortgage rates, the weather, who won the football, anything of interest to them remained the same. Hence why care negatively about someones sexuality.

In truth it's the same with your SO. Your life together has brought about many things and nothing has changed in that respect. House, home, kids? friends, neighbours, job, any aspect of her life remains exactly the same as it was pre-knowing. Her statement is a reaction to the shock of discovery and for me if you do intend to engage in discussion at any point then asking her to explain and rationalise that statement may be a way of helping her see that in truth her life hasn't come crashing down around her. You remain the person you've always been and will continue to be so. Your life together can carry on with your feelings for her being at worst exactly the same, at best enhanced due to her acceptance of this aspect of the person you've always been but hidden due to the very reasons you're now experiencing.

[StephanieM]

As others have said, it will come back. I quit cold turkey during my first marriage, it lasted quite awhile, but you can only deny who you are to yourself for so long.

Perhaps you can set it up where you can have weekend get aways where you can dress, kind of like how some husbands take fishing or hunting trips on the weekends, where they get to do something the wife has no interest in. That way she doesn't have to see it and you don't have to hide it.

[Teresa]

Judy,
You know the answer to this without asking it, you are trying to suppress something that is going to surface with avengence .

You have to get professional help before it does hit again , without that backup your wife is going to bring it all to an end anyway and where will it leave you.
I'm sorry I keep repeating myself but it's said from personal experience , your situation is very similar to mine . If I hadn't sought counselling my wife would have totally tried to suppress me, getting to the point of hardly functioning or considering ending your life is serious . She didn't want to know about the counselling but the fact I still went for it proved there was something fundamentally wrong . OK I'm basically still in a DADT situation , she doesn't want to see me but she does accept I have a need to satisfy, dressing and going out socially is helping . Continually suppressing a part of your being is not good for you mentally or physically , time will also tell on those points .

[Meghan4now]

Dear,

Not to be mean or rude, but what the heck are you doing here? If you've got a drinking problem you want to get over, stop going into the bar to ask the bartender for help!

Seriously, if you really want to stop, you need to distance your self from triggers and enablers. I appreciate that there is support here, and from others that have similar issues and all, but if you really want to leave it behind, then really leave it behind.

[Tina_gm]

If it comes back, do you have to tell all this to your wife? I'm not suggesting that you lie.... But.... Just go through the waves.... Sometimes we don't have to have our wives go through every crest of the waves if they get see sick....

[Judy-Somthing]

This is crazy, isn't it?
I love my wife but when I see my photos of Miss Judy, like in my avatar I don't want to loose that part of me.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Dear,

Not to be mean or rude, but what the heck are you doing here? If you've got a drinking problem you want to get over, stop going into the bar to ask the bartender for help!

Seriously, if you really want to stop, you need to distance your self from triggers and enablers. I appreciate that there is support here, and from others that have similar issues and all, but if you really want to leave it behind, then really leave it behind.

Just what I was going to say. I've known several girls here and elsewhere that that needed to make a decision: wife or crossdressing.

They disappeared from here and never returned, so I assume that they are (happily?) married. In the nicest way, I'd like to say , "Go away and don't come back here". Or take back your life, and hope your wife can get over having her life ruined. Oh, and learn to live with half of what you have now. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I'll give you a full refund if my advice turns out to be wrong.

Put another way, there are no guarantees.

[NancySue]

"If the Pink Fog comes back"? You can bet the bank on it..no ifs, ands or buts. You've got a big challenge to resolve or compromise your CDing needs and your wife's negative feelings. Good luck. Keep us posted.

[Kellitgdet]

If? There is no if, it's when.

[Alisonforme]

It's going to come back and that's a beautiful thing. You can't avoid it any more than I can, but it's a part of me that makes me a better person. I know my wife doesn't see it that way and we are DADT, which can be a rather fragile arrangement at times. But she knows it's a part of me and it's not going to stop. And I hope you don't stop...you're beautiful and I love looking at your photos and outfits girl! I hope things work out for you

[Becky Blue]

Judy, of course it will come back, Becky has left me often, usually with no explanation or warning, she can be a real B$#@% like that. But she always comes back often stronger.

Just a thought, you are not dressing right now, but I bet you $5 your wife thinks you are.

[MonicaGirly]

I had almost the exact same conversation with my girlfriend of three years. She said I ruined her life. Somehow we stayed together; this happened last August. She made me throw out everything I had. So now I'm on the longest dry spell I've ever been on, but I can feel some fog slipping back in. I'm fighting it by occupying myself with other hobbies and interests, but I just don't know if I even want to fight it all. I love her so much, but the truth is I miss this part of me. I don't know. It's hard. It's really hard.

[jennifer0918]

The pink fog is everywhere,when I see a nice looking woman I'm like I wanna be her,I want to wear what she's wearing. I want my nails long,I want my feet to click I will never try to fight it I'm a woman deep inside.

[IleneD]

Two months ago after I told my wife that I've been dressing since I was five, she told me I ruined her life.

" I RUINED HER LIFE....." This phrase has a familiar ring to it. A few weeks ago, while the SO and I were having a rather heated exchange on why, where and how my CD habit began to take off, she too used that term. "This crossdressing has ruined my life!"
I was stunned she was holding it in this long; and stunned because it wasn't true. But she was feeling that way.

But I'm wondering WHERE are the spouses/SO's picking up this idea that CD is ruining lives? I'd like to know HOW it ruins the life of the non-dressing member of a relationship. AND where did this catch phrase come from? It sounds a lot like bad psychology from a Dr Phil Show. Today on Dr Phil "How CrossDressing Ruined My Life.".

Anyone know?

[GretchenM]

Hi Judy,
Glad to hear things are a bit more stable. That will likely last for awhile. But then Judy will come back and she may be really pissed off. So, exactly how does your occasional alternate gender expression affect her such that it ruins her life? What she is likely really saying is that it clashes with what she expected and now that she has found out something about you that clashes she is lost as to how to react or know what to do. She knows now and she expects you to hide it better. Sounds like a great opportunity to build on her beliefs and in that way gaining some kind of acceptance or maybe support for your beliefs. It is an opportunity to come together and reach an understanding and a DADT agreement or some other arrangement where you don't have to deny yourself to please her. That is just a bit controlling, don't you think? It is opportunity for both of you to grow and to grow together rather than apart where she doesn't trust you and you are, at some point, trying to figure out how to slip into some women's clothes and let out a sigh of relief but knowing that if you get caught it will be hell to pay. That is no way to live, Judy.

I completely agree with Teresa. It is a perfect time to find that counselor that can help both of you to come to grips with this new aspect. Otherwise, what is going to happen? Judy comes back angry that you are denying her existence and off you go doing what is right for you. Eventually, the wife finds out again and it will be worse than this time. You have proven that she is right - you did continue. Wouldn't it be better to get it settled now such that she understands your feelings and also you understanding her feelings? We sometimes tend to focus on only the facts and ignore the feelings when solving problems. Feelings are just a different kind of fact. Feelings are real. And they often affect us more deeply than the objective facts. Seeing a professional is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength and hope in that a mismatch that is perceived as hurtful is being addressed. How can that be so wrong? It seems like the loving thing to do. A counselor can help both of you sort through this so you can understand not only your feelings but the other person's feelings as well. From that a solution can be found. Teresa and I and undoubtedly many others have been there, done that, and it saved our marriages and maybe our lives and sanity. Believe us. It really works. Please give it a try.

xoxo
Gretchen

[Cheryl T]

For me that happened twice.
The first time she found out and I swore never again. Well, that just put me deeper in the closet.
The second time I told her WE had a problem and we worked it out. Now she is understanding, accepting, assisting and the only thing in the closet are my clothes.

The thing that irks me the most is the statement that you "ruined her life". This is not about her, it's about you!
What about all the hiding, the guilt, the shame and denial we go through till we reach the point where we can't take it anymore? How about our lives?
She has to understand that this was never about her and began long before she was part of your life.

[SometimesKairi]

I just don't see how someone dressing up can ruin another's life.
Likely just a reaction from the shock of it.

Reassure that you haven't changed as a person

[*ROXY*]

There's a lot of "how is it ruining her life" - you need to see it from her perspective. She's discovered that her husband likes to dress up in women's clothes and has been doing so for a very long time.
That has been kept a secret from her. Massive trust issue, that can be more of a marriage wrecker than the dressing itself. You hadn't told her, it's a massive shock which is also wrapped up in new, perhaps irrational fears:
Is he gay ? does he want to become a woman full time ? what else has he been keeping from me ? I feel like I don't even know you any more. These are all thoughts that will be running round her head.
Your job, as a husband and committed partner is to communicate. Communicate and agree a compromise. You know full well it won't just go away or why would you be back on here questioning it ?
I told my wife part way into our marriage, that was my bad call. She's now tolerant to the degree she comes out with me while I'm dressed. It's taken years to get to that point with me pushing boundaries, discussing, backing off, trying again.
Everyone is different but if you fail to understand how someone's world can come crashing down around them because their partner has a lifelong desire to dress as the opposite sex then I feel for you.
There are no guarantees. I know that at any point my wife may change her mind about what she wants to see and even whether she wants the relationship to continue. So far it's looking very good for us but she told me the night I told her that she thought about packing a bag and running for the hills. Talk to her, discuss with her, decide whether you can live with keeping it a secret, which, let's be honest will come out and cause so much more damage.
If she is utterly closed to any compromise on this decide whether you are happy to keep hiding it from her for the rest of your lives.

I've read SOOOOO many posts about "why doesn't she find me sexy in a basque and stockings" - "why doesn't she like me a mini dress and heels". Because she didn't marry that side of you, she didn't know about it when she did.
Take some of it on the chin, don't feel put out, don't feel hard done by. She hasn't just run off and filed for divorce. She doesn't have to like ANY of it. She has every right to hate it.

So to summerise : Compromise, discuss, compromise, try little boundary pushing as what she feels today might change next, next month, next year. Be patient. Be honest if your feelings change, compromise some more, don't forget to be her husband and get too wrapped up in this.

I'm not trying to be harsh just honest