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Thread: it is not so simple

  1. #51
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    Reine, I am not rationalising! when I was 22 I did not discuss sexual fantasies of any sort with my wife to be. It was not a case of selectively deciding what to tell or not to tell but we did not have that level of intimacy at that stage of our relationship. Of course others may well discuss it at 15 as Nadine did. I think you have missed the entire point of what I was trying to say, which is that everyone is different and that its never as simple as saying I told at the beginning so everyone should.

    Nadine, just because some people regret not telling before doesn't mean that everyone should, I know quite a few people who told their SO's and will tell you it was the biggest mistake of their lives. To reiterate, I am neither advocating telling nor not telling. Merely stressing that there is no one size fits all answer.
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  2. #52
    Aspiring Member Fiona123's Avatar
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    I'm late to this thread, I know. Not telling 30 years ago was a huge mistake. I've come out but she is not very accepting Back in the 80's pre internet I did not know what it means to be transgender.

  3. #53
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    So Fiona, can you explain why it was a mistake not telling 30 years ago? and if you did not know what it meant being transgendered if you had, what would you have told her?
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  4. #54
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Becky,

    Your statement that there is not a one size fits all is right on. The fact is, we are all different. Of course, the proper and most respectful thing to do is tell before rather than later. But that is nothing but an ideal based on an assumption that you have something real to tell that makes sense to you and therefore might make sense to someone else. Your use of the time dimension and development over time is exactly correct in my opinion. Many of our personality traits are not precisely defined and are blended with other traits such that it is hard to know where the boundaries are located or how they will change from this moment to future moments. I respect all the other points of view on this, but once again, deciding what to tell based on some speculation as to what may or may not happen in the future and telling that to a prospective mate will probably result in a need to find another prospective mate. He or she may likely think you are nuts. It all goes to the matter of the development of this behavior over time. Everybody changes and part of the deal in getting married is an acceptance that the future may be different. "To have and to hold through sickness and health, etc." The very nature of the vows implies an acceptance that some things are going to change and they will not necessarily be milk and honey. A woman who sees a very solid man has to face the prospect, rare as it might be, that at some point he may prefer dresses and lipstick. The reverse also applies and this pattern applies to everything else as well. After 48 years of successful marriage that is still quite secure and happy it is an adventure unlike any other adventure you can have. We have both changed in dramatic ways and sometimes in ways we never expected. So what? It is a learning experience and we are better for it because our attitude toward changes is guided by the underlying unification of love for one another and being BFF's.

    Gretchen

  5. #55
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Becky Blue View Post
    Nadine, just because some people regret not telling before doesn't mean that everyone should, I know quite a few people who told their SO's and will tell you it was the biggest mistake of their lives. To reiterate, I am neither advocating telling nor not telling. Merely stressing that there is no one size fits all answer.
    True I have also read of some who say that telling their partners was a mistake. But, what is difficult to ascertain from those stories was when the partner was told, or if the partner discovered the secret. Those are important aspects to the stories that are often omitted in favor of stressing how un-accepting their partner is of the gender variance. Once the deception has been committed it is extremely difficult to determine if the partner is bothered about the gender issue or the deception. The TG world may be filled with many stories of regret of revealing themselves, but the entire world is filled with stories of relationships that have fallen due to deception. For example, infidelity is a frequent cause for divorce, but many of those people say the sex was irrelevant, but the deception was the real relationship killer.

    True no one size fits all, but I am hard pressed to find any examples of partners that say, "hey I'm totally fine with you not telling me about you, go ahead and deceive me, omit information, please don't tell me who you are, I want to live with someone for 30 years that I think I know but in reality I only know a part of them."

  6. #56
    Lost in Heels AnnaMarie's Avatar
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    We've discussed this before Becky and my story is more or less a copy of yours. I dressed from a young age and into my teens and early twenties. Then, it stopped for about 15 years. I met my wife, we got married, kids etc and then boom! it started again. I'd never told my wife to that point. It was history and after 15 years I didn't think it would ever come back so why tell my wife something that's part of my history? I never told her about previous girlfriends and what I got up to, so there was absolutely no justification for mentioning this to her either.

    Now of course it's different, my need to dress came back a couple of years ago and hasn't let go. I made the decision about 12 months ago I had to tell my wife. She'd not discovered anything, had no clues or inclinations but because we are honest with each other it was time to tell, including the lies about going out to see friends and then changing down the road - I told her EVERYTHING! Had I stopped dressing when I met her and because I'd met her, then I would have probably mentioned something if the relationship was to get serious, but due to my circumstances didn't dictate that and I'm the only person in the world who was in a position to make that decision.

    Finger pointing and saying you should tell, you need to be honest isn't for some people the way to go. Not everyone will get found out and sometimes there is more at stake (ie. kids and family) and only you yourself can make an informed decision if it's worth telling or not.

    For me, she knows I do it, won't ever talk about it but if I want to go out with friends as long as I'm not changing her, she puts up with it. It was one hell of a shock for my wife!

  7. #57
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Becky Blue View Post
    Reine, I am not rationalising! when I was 22 I did not discuss sexual fantasies of any sort with my wife to be. It was not a case of selectively deciding what to tell or not to tell but we did not have that level of intimacy at that stage of our relationship.
    I did not discuss sexual fantasies with my future wife either. Why, because I thought the fantasies would pass as I developed a new taste for her! Well, guess what, the old tastes never left. I was also afraid that if I said something the last thing I would have seen was the dust coming from her running away. Intimacy takes time and in a good marriage there is time to develop trust, intimacy, and grow together. Why this happens in one relationship, and not another is the result of the mix of everything that happens from day one. We don't get owners manuals and there is no questionnaire to fill out as to each others sexual tastes, or anything else for that matter. Even then who says that those tastes don't wax or wane with time. Just look at the site and see how many of us say that the desire to dress has increased as we age. Are some of us lucky, or is it that an understanding wife comes as a result of whom we choose in the first place? It may also be the result of the love and intimacy that has occurred throughout the years.
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  8. #58
    Gold Member Alice B's Avatar
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    I had no indicatiion, nor desire to dress until I was 64. Then out of the blue I had a desire to dress and wanted to act upon it. In my case my marriage was very strong and I told my wife of my desire at the get go. Lots of discussion and acceptance at a level just above DADT. Made it clear that I had no desire to transation and over time gained greater acceptance and freedom.

    I am a strong beliver to tell at the start, but realize it is different for every person and the strength of the marriage is a major factor. That is something that none of us can answer for another.

  9. #59
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    Interesting discussion ladies. Gretchen, your point that after 48 years of marriage you have both changed a lot is a very pertinent point.

    Nadine, in my opinion if one half of a couple decides to cheat, it is not the sex nor the deception that is the real problem it is the underlying fact that one half of the couple felt the need to cheat, the deception flows from there. Of course you are hard pressed to find someone who says I am ok with being lied to because of course that is not ideal, likewise we would be hard pressed to find more than a handful of SO's who say I am so happy that my husband is a CD/TG or whatever. Its about choices and which is the lesser evil. In your world truth take precedence and thats your right and belief, others don't see it that way and thats their rights and beliefs.

    Annemarie, you told your Mrs when you needed to, and I agree what you did before you met her is irrelevant.

    Gillian, I was not talking specifically about any dressing fantasies, I am talking all and any fantasies one of which included CDing. Unlike some of the posters on this thread who clearly were very emotionally mature at very young ages we (my then to be wife and I) did not discuss any of those sorts of things until we were quite a lot older and more mature. It is easy to sit today with a lifetime or experience and a high EQ and think back to what could have been back 20+ years ago, but the facts are that was never going to happen. The thought of telling my future wife to be that I liked to occasionally put on an item of female clothing as a turn on, did not even cross my mind for a second, and given how young and immature we were, it would have ended the relationship. Not that the possibility ever crossed my mind.

    Alice, the fact that my marriage is very strong is a major part of why I choose not to tell my wife more than the tiny bit she knows. It is exactly because I care so much about her that I am not telling her more as I can see no benefit to her of telling her. Would it be of benefit to me? Yes of course it would, but I can see no win for her. I can see a whole litany of concerns about the kids finding out, about other people finding out, about where Becky is heading.
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  10. #60
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Becky,

    The fact that you and your wife have a strong marriage is an important factor. As with us, the Big Reveal caused some serious concerns, but we faced those concerns pretty much head on when we both went to see a therapist. I saw a gender therapist and she saw a gender therapist with experience in dealing with such revelations. In short, as we have always done, we tackled the difficulty with a desire to solve it and find that comfortable zone. It ended up DADT. It wasn't what I wanted but then having a TG husband is not what she wanted. The important point is that by dealing with the problem rather than running away it made us stronger. Your withholding that aspect of you carries a certain risk, but the fact that you and your wife have built a solid foundation will likely help if and when the truth does come out. As for what you should do, in my opinion, only you know your wife and your marital dynamics and none of us do. I am confident that you have good judgement and so only you can decide the path. Just step back once in awhile to make sure your concept of the nature of your marriage is in fact as you think it is.

    xoxo
    Gretchen

  11. #61
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    It's been my experience that when a woman tells you that she wants to know what your sexual fantasies are, what she wants to hear is that yours ARE THE SAME AS HERS. No other answer is acceptable. Having a threesome with her sister, her friend, you being the girl or submissive, you having sex with a guy (in fact, you having sex with anyone except HER is completely unacceptable, too), dressing up in animal costumes, rubber/furries/enema/B&D/S&M the vast majority of kinky things aren't what she wants to know. Remember, women expect you to be able to read their minds or you don't love them enough. It's always 'you should already know what I want', just like with presents. So dream up some Harlequin romance, and tell her that. Then fantasize about doing whatever you wish while she's dreaming of rose petals, ladies in waiting serving her, and you in knight's armor, riding on a white horse, stealing her away to rule some faraway kingdom. There's a very good reason those romance books sell millions; that's what a whole lot of women dream about.
    And, as always, beware of these women: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4hNaFkbZYU
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  12. #62
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    Very true Lexi. There are exceptions but not many.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  13. #63
    Member rachelatshop's Avatar
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    It would have been wonderful to have known what I know now about cross dressing when I got married, and even if I had I cannot be sure I would have told her that I’m a cross dresser.
    When I first started dressing it was with a pair of my girlfriend’s panties that I picked up off her dorm floor and I used them as part of my self-gratification fantasy, and eventually wearing them. Over the next 10 years the fantasy/cross dressing part grew, and coupled with a Halloween event became full on cross dressing. Coupled with taking them off and hiding them when the event was over and thinking and feeling I had done something wrong (in those days self-gratification was not accepted by everyone as normal behavior). A t this time the term cross dressing wasn’t even used and so I didn’t consider myself a cross dresser, so it would never have been a topic of discussion, and besides how many of you discussed your acts of self-gratification with your girlfriends or the one girl about to become your wife? After getting married my need for self-gratification went away and so did my need for dressing (for the next 15 years) and has only returned in the last 5 years. My cross dressing today has no sexual component but is stronger than ever. I did tell my wife after she noticed me reading a story on the internet about cross dressing and asked me what my interest in cross dressing was, and I didn’t know at the time how to answer her? Thus began my quest to learn everything I could about cross dressing, about men who cross dress, and that quest brought me to this community. I have met a number of very valuable friends here with whom I share with and learn from.
    When I talked to my wife the first thing she said before I had said anything was that she had an open mind. That might have been true if we had been talking about anyone else. The next thing was, why didn’t you tell me before, and my answer was that I didn’t feel that there was anything to talk about then (what I really wanted to ask her why she didn’t tell me about her self-gratification practices?), and I didn’t know then what I know now. The outcome of our talk was that she still loves me and doesn’t have any interest in leaving, but for various reasons she doesn’t wish to see Rach. After 2 years my cross dressing relationship is still a work in progress.

  14. #64
    Member barbara gordon's Avatar
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    I was married nearly 15 years and didn't tell enough to my wife about cd . I wasn't trying to hide it from her , it just happened and kept festering further inward

    I tried - many times to start the conversation - it always went with out saying the whole thing .
    We had a good marriage , but each day it burned me a little more inside to have to keep a secret . at the beginning of my marriage , I didn't understand myself as much , I didn't know that the desire to dress would not go away . Every day that went on hurt both of us a little more .

    Finally at one point toward the end I could not hold it any longer .It was killing me . I had to tell this secret to my wife at what ever cost . I actually thought she would be ok with it , but When I told her it went over terribly with . We were filing for divorce only a few short months later.
    Fast forward to now , its more than 5 years later .
    I have a girlfriend partner of a few years .
    I told her on the first date .
    Telling my secret right at the beginning changed the story completely for me . I am not entirely out to most , but I am out to my partner for sure . We can talk about this freely at all and any time . We can go out together . I can go out with friends dressed. I can leave my things around with out the terrible fear of having to keep a secret . None of this was easy . I went through hell to get to this point .
    To each is own is so true . Each person has to make their own choices . I support anyones decision to stay in or to get out of any closet . If you can tell your partner asap please do it . the risk is 50/50 on how things will go . the long run result might be better than you can imagine . I went to the bottom of grief in losing my marriage . while at that terrible feeling I never expected to be 100 times happier with someone new. going forward after divorce I took the risk at the first date and it was worth it. I have an amazing new partner . She is amazing and good in so many ways. I can't say I am glad to go through that , but i wouldn't trade my new happier and more open life for my old deep dark secret life . True . it's not simple for anyone .

  15. #65
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    Rachel and Barbra both point out that at the beginning when they met their wives they did not understand enough about themselves to share their secret, that is a very good reason not to say anything at the get go.

    Barbara, i have to disagree with your statement that telling is a 50/50 risk and that is really a summary of some of what i am trying to say. In some cases telling may be a 20/80 risk and in others a 80/20 risk it depends on so many factors. You also make another good point where you say that you did not tell you wife and you tried to, but you did not understand yourself. Now with your new relationship it was a lot easier to tell as you understood yourself and was 15 years older. Also given it was your first date you had very little to lose by telling her so soon. Worst case would have been no second date.
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  16. #66
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Becky Blue View Post
    Reine, I am not rationalising! when I was 22 I did not discuss sexual fantasies of any sort with my wife to be. It was not a case of selectively deciding what to tell or not to tell but we did not have that level of intimacy at that stage of our relationship. Of course others may well discuss it at 15 as Nadine did. I think you have missed the entire point of what I was trying to say, which is that everyone is different and that its never as simple as saying I told at the beginning so everyone should.
    We're both saying the same thing, which is that you were not ready to tell your wife about your sexual fantasies at 22, and that this does not describe everyone because some people can and do discuss these things at 22. I suggested you were rationalizing because I thought you were saying that no 22 year-old is ever ready to discuss his sexual fantasies with his wife.

    In your OP, you asked what to do when it is only sexual fantasy in early adulthood and the desire to dress on a regular basis doesn't manifest itself until middle age. I countered with the idea that the telling can indeed begin at the sexual fantasy stage, which would certainly make it easier to tell later on when the need increases to dress more thouroughly, frequently, and publicly.

    Wanting to present as a woman can manifest itself early on for some people, but for others, it does stay at the sexual fantasy stage for a long time as it slowly increases to the point where there develops a need to interact with and be seen by others while dressed. Some people can take one year to get from point A to B, while others take 20 years. Still, it's not as if most CDers start out at point B. The speed with which it goes from point A to point B depends on too many different factors to list, but some of them are how well the CDer is open about the idea of CDing to begin with and what are his life circumstances. Is he conservative by nature, does he know others who do this, does he live in a diverse urban area, etc. But in the end, it certainly is easier for a spouse to be told when it is still at point A.

    So your only recourse now (if you posted this thread because you are searching for what to tell your wife), is to tell her that you are sorry you didn't tell her about the sexual fantasies all those years ago (as Char had suggested in the other thread), but this is indeed when it all began. And you can hope, given that she shares your sexual intimacy history, that she will understand why you didn't feel you could tell her earlier.
    Reine

  17. #67
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    Reine, perhaps this discussion is going to be very helpful for some of the people who are new to all this. Firstly I do agree that we are all different. Secondly and importantly, I think perhaps you don't quite understand the nature of the CD fantasy in my case. At the age I met my wife i had maybe 3 or 4 fantasies one of which was putting on items of female clothing. At this stage that fantasy was really not a big deal. I was not in denial of some future feelings, it was just one of 3 or 4 things that turned me on. The idea that it may one day evolve into more did not cross my mind. Over the next 15 or so years i did not spend anytime analysing why I felt turned on by putting on an item of female clothing, it was really a VERY minor thing.

    At no stage over those years did the desire to dress increase, as there was never any desire at all. A fantasy is not a desire, as you know fantasies are often things we can't do and to stress again I was not in some kind of denial, there was nothing to deny, I accepted my fantasy from the get go.

    See you seem to think that there is a point A and a route to point B, that may well be the case for some, for others it does not work that way. Without repeating my lifestory again in detail. Literally overnight suddenly at age around 40 Becky emerged, I jumped from A to B or C with no known reason, no logical explanation it just happened. The sexual side disappeared totally as I developed intense feelings of needing to dress, etc etc. At no stage in my life have I ever been ashamed of who I am (in fact the opposite) I have never been in denial, I welcomed Becky as part of me.

    My reasons for starting this thread were very simple, so provide some balance to the ongoing and various discussions about telling or not telling. Unlike many on here I do not have an agender with regards to whether people should tell or should not. As you would know there are a lot of strong and influential voices on here that push a strong line that one should always tell your SO. I fear that some people come to this forum and perhaps are influenced by some strong voices. I am simply saying that it is never that simple. Each relationship is unique and there are countless variations in the people that post on here and that in many cases telling is the best thing to do for all involved but that for others it is not the right thing to do.

    As for myself I am very comfortable with where I am and what I have shared with my wife and what I have chosen not to share. I have made my decision based on my marriage, my situation and more than anything I have taken my wife's feelings into account, its not just about me.
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  18. #68
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Becky Blue View Post
    At the age I met my wife i had maybe 3 or 4 fantasies one of which was putting on items of female clothing. At this stage that fantasy was really not a big deal. I was not in denial of some future feelings, it was just one of 3 or 4 things that turned me on. The idea that it may one day evolve into more did not cross my mind. Over the next 15 or so years i did not spend anytime analysing why I felt turned on by putting on an item of female clothing, it was really a VERY minor thing.
    I don't know how old you are and how many resources there were online when you were 22. But, this is indeed when it started, unless the sexual aspect did start earlier in your teens or pre-teens, as it does with most CDers. I think you're seeing your sexual fantasies at 22 as being different from your need to dress now. They're not really, it's just one long, rather common progression for the vast majority of CDers, all of whom have a different timeline for going from point A to point B.

    Twenty-two-year-old CDers today can come to forums like this one and learn about the progression. It's too bad you had no way to do that (assuming you didn't), but it doesn't change the fact that a desire to present as Becky didn't start out of the blue in your middle age. It began with sexual fantasies much earlier on. And so again, if you did start this thread with the view of searching for what to tell your wife, you can share with her that the signs were there early on in your life except you didn't recognize it for what it was then because you had no resources.
    Reine

  19. #69
    Member cdtraveler's Avatar
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    The DADT strategy I find is difficult as it relates to feeling safe to discuss possible evolving feelings regarding my fem side as it sugests tollerence but not acceptance so every time the suject comes up its fear based. Still better than getting an "I'm done"

  20. #70
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    Reine,
    I can't speak for anyone else but the full sexual thing hit me at 8-9 years and I didn't have a clue what was going on or why I wanted to wear the clothes. I can see it all now looking back , I repeatedly suggest members do that because that is where most of the truth is .To be left with a feeling for years that nags at you everyday does tear you apart . Forums aren't perfect but I'm so pleased we have them, I know in my case it's pointing me in the right direction, and I'm finally finding myself. To think it's not long ago that it was a criminal act to walk the streets as a CDer .

  21. #71
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    Reine firstly it did not start for me at 22 it started at 12 and obviously i know there is a connection between what I was then and what happened to me at 40. When I was 12 they did not even have PC's never mind the internet.

    What I am now however is very different to what I was then. For me there was no progression. One stopped and the other started. After reading a very interesting book Alice in Genderland I realised that the signs were there very early on in my life as a recalled things from my young childhood that would not be deemed normal behaviors for a 5 or 6 year old boy.

    Yet again though you seem to miss my point, when I met my wife CDing was such an irrelevancy to me that there was never any consideration of telling her. It is very easy to sit here much older and wiser and look back and say had I known then what I know now things would be different. Even though we did not have the internet, I was aware of sex change operations as they called them then. Not for 1 second did I link that with the fact that putting on a bra or panties was a turn on.

    Reine you have to remember that you and the other wives and SO's who come on here are the exceptions. the vast majority of wives of cd/tg/ts husbands are not supportive as you wonderful women are. Your acceptance is the exception.

    I am also unclear why you keep repeating that if I am here searching for what to tell my wife... I have made it patently clear more than once that the reason for this thread was to generate a discussion around telling or not telling. As you can see from my 800 or so posts I am a straight shooter and tell it like I see it, if I wanted help with telling my wife I would ask for it.
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  22. #72
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    Becky, everything that you have written makes perfect sense to me. Someone said this statement and it is so true, "hindsight has perfect 20/20 vision". There was no internet in my youth either, one heard about sex change operations in super market tabloids, well that should say enough in itself. So what was left for a boy to think, who liked to go into their mothers, or sisters dresser drawers? Let's put it simply, many of us thought of ourselves as some weird kind of freak. You kept your mouth shut and said nothing to no-one. Why, because society likes people to conform, and this screamed of non-conformity. So why would anything change when someone met their future wife? Didn't many of us think that it was just a passing phase? Where were we going to get some perspective on who we were and how we were not alone. I remember as a young adult going to the library to research this subject, and there was not very much material. Most of what could be found fit into psychiatry, OMG was I crazy.
    Knowing what I know now, things would be totally different, but again hindsight is 20/20. My wife would have known sooner, it took 20 years of marriage. I would have accepted my quirks, gifts, whatever, sooner and been able to move on with my life. When I was born I didn't get an owners manual explaining my inherent nature, and neither did anyone else. We just stumble along doing the best that we can. It's just too bad that more people can't be more understanding.
    Last edited by Gillian Gigs; 05-24-2017 at 11:50 AM. Reason: grammer
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  23. #73
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    I can't speak for anyone else but the full sexual thing hit me at 8-9 years
    Quote Originally Posted by Becky Blue View Post
    Reine firstly it did not start for me at 22 it started at 12
    Yes, I did mention teen or pre-teen. And if you're aware of childhood sexual development, some kids can have orgasmic experiences, meaning they experience intense pleasure even if there is no ejaculate, quite early.
    Reine

  24. #74
    Silver Member Becky Blue's Avatar
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    I really don't think that is relevant Reine, the topic is about how complex it can be with regards to telling or not telling our SO's. The fact that whatever it is started for some at age 4 or age 12 or age 50 or whether it was or is at one stage sexual really just adds to the complexity.
    A.K.A Rebecca & Bec

  25. #75
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Becky, the childhood sexual development comment was directed at Teresa, who brought up the sexual aspect at age 8 or 9. I quoted your "age 12" comment to point out that I didn't judge you as having started at age 22, I also said it could have been teen or pre-teen, which you subsequently confirmed. I was addressing your comment made to me, in your first paragraph of post #71. And, you did bring up that it was sexual for you at age 22 (and presumably earlier).

    I know what the original topic is. And we'll just have to disagree on whether it is a progression or not for you. But, the vast majority of CDers do begin with sexual fantasies and sexual gratification, and it does change over time to instead wanting to interact with others as the target gender. But, since everyone has a different libido, for some CDers the intensity of the sexual aspect remains through middle age, while for others it abates greatly, and it abates completely for yet others.

    As to whether or not to tell your wife, this all depends on how comfortable you are with not telling her. Most people tell their wives when they need to dress more often than they can comfortably hide.
    Last edited by ReineD; 05-25-2017 at 04:27 AM.
    Reine

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