it is not so simple

[~Joanne~]

I think the point here is that often we don't know, aren't willing to admit, are ashamed or feel like it's something we could control, and sometimes we change.

I think Megan nails it right here. It can't be more clear if you tried. I am glad some of You can just throw it on a table without much thought so You think everyone should but that's not the case nor will it ever be. I have said it before and will say it again, a lot of the time, you don't know what this is or where this is going until your well into the relationship or marriage. Long past throwing it out there at the beginning.

By time a person figures out what this truly means to them, You could be 30 years in. You know the person your with and how they will handle it. I got extremely lucky myself, My SO had no hang ups about it and still doesn't. I would have NEVER told my exGF ever even if we wouldn't have broken up and got married. she would have never known.

A lot of time when I read threads like this, it's the TG's that are pushing everyone in a direction that benefits what they are doing or have done. We are not all Transgendered here. I understand that the more of us that are openly out there makes it easier for "The cause" but everyone has to decide for their selves whether or not it's best to tell or to hide this forever. Peer pressure never helps anyone.

[stephanie2000]

Oh Joanne -so well said. That is exactly my predicament. This took a long time for me to accept my dressing and changing feelings for 30 years. I know that I can never tell my SO I know it. What do I do if I tell her I loose her, if I keep it secret I continue to live the lie behind her back. I have grown children and present as main stream male most of the time. But I feel like something is changing in me and I'm taking more chances and risks to dress. A strong part of me just wants to disappear. Thanks for your post made me feel better about myself.

[Tina_gm]

Agreed Joanne. Somewhat my case. My wife is fully aware, but through decades of denial and repression, I didn't, perhaps still don't know exactly where my true fem/masculine balance is. Now, what to do about it..... how much of MY life am I going to spend chasing after my now self discovered gender variance. How much if any do I want to unravel the life I spent decades creating.... how much do I want to change if not end the marriage I've fought so hard (as did my wife) to make not just a marriage, but a truly wonderful marriage.

Being tg isn't a choice. For me, based on how much I am feminine, how much I identify as female or however someone wants to look at it from that aspect, I can choose how much. Some can't, their discovery leads them to realize they are ts. For those of us in between, it's s heck of a balancing act. In the middle, which means still having a life as a male, both sides have to face certain sacrifices. Such is with life in general though, and it's not so simple.

[Kate Simmons]

It's usually later in life that we develop into a person with full spectrum feelings where we have accepted ALL of our feelings and have taken ownership of them. Unfortunately not all SO's and spouses are ready for that step and so many of us continue to live at least a semi clandestine life without full disclosure. This is the option that most choose unless we decide to separate and move on alone.

[Stephanie47]

In my situation there was a gradual enhancement of a shared activity. When I was in my youth I did wear my mother's clothing on occasion. I found it revolting. I felt shame. It was the early to mid 1960's. Those ideas were of the times. I had not had the desire to wear women's clothing for years when I met and married my wife. Maybe because she was drop dead gorgeous and down right sexy and sensual I became interested in lingerie. We went lingerie shopping all the time in mid town Manhattan. Of course, the day ended up in some serious __________ and _________. My love of nylon was rekindled and I wearing a nylon nightgown was explored mutually. My wife enjoyed it on the occasions such activity was incorporated into bedroom play. More than ten years in our marriage I found myself interested more and more with nylon nighties and slips. However, when she found my first bra (Vanity Fair very vivid read with matching tap panty) we had "the talk." She could not understand why a man would want to wear a bra when he had nothing to "pack into it." Well, there was no ranting and raving. There was no demands. She was just turned off my it. It went from bedroom play to something she could not understand. I sort of 'pestered' her too much to try to get her to understand, and, really at least buy me some panties on occasion. No dice. We ended up in DADT land, which has worked well for over thirty years.

We have not updated our tacit agreement. I find it frustrating that I cannot share my feelings with her, but, I understand her reluctance. She does not know the extent of my wardrobe. Why would or could I tell her I bought another dress, a panty or bra or another slip? Or high heels? She does not throw any barbs at me. No condescending remarks. She is supportive of gays and lesbians and transsexuals. Cross dressing in her husband? Nada!

I feel no obligation to tell her I have 157 dresses. Over 450 slips. Too many panties. Wigs, Heels. If I predecease her, she'll really be surprised..or not.

Maybe Judy's wife chose to ignore the premarital signs or Judy's confession at the onset of their marriage. Frankly, Judy's wife should get over it. She is being selfish. After so many years of an otherwise good marriage, she should brow beat Judy? No, she is spiteful. She needs counseling so she can understand her husband and herself too. I've read it too many times on the forum; Love is blind to something that is later seems to be a fault and must be corrected.

[Gillian Gigs]

Wow, so many interesting comments. One thing that wives didn't sign up for is keeping secrets. My wife wants me to keep everything quiet, within the home, and I do. It took 20 years of my secret being out with her, before she opened up to some of her secrets. Others knowing our secrets makes us vulnerable in more ways than we care to think. Let us face it, we all have secrets. One thing I appreciate is that my wife is accepting, but she doesn't want the gory details. There are times when I look for reassurances that I can get rather verbose about it. JDILNTAI a new acronym, just do it lets not talk about it. She tells me I have a fetish and nobody is perfect.
I also wonder about wives that are so against this particular thing of ours. So, what is missing in their lives, or their marriage that we haven't fulfilled. We all have secrets,, what's in their closet.

[Alisonforme]

I evolved a lot like you Becky, finding out fairly recently (about 2 years now) that my fem side was so strong. My SO knew I had certain "appetites" but I didn't know the reality of being Alison until after we were married. I told her pretty much as soon as I knew that something had changed. I didn't want to lie to her. Things haven't really changed further but she knows that I don't feel like I need to keep my CDing a life-long secret, and she would prefer that DADT remain in firm effect and that I never come out.

[Teresa]

Becky,
I made that clear in the reply to Char GG .

Our circumstances are different , in my case I had GFs before I married who were OK with my CDing , so when I married I naively thought all GGs would be OK with it. Life was so full that despite my dressing it was kept in the background, even then I had the gut feeling or need but tried to work round it thinking it would go away.
I've seen so many members have a need to come out in their forties , I'm one of them, to many of us that is the first inkling that something much deeper is going on, I've told that part of my story before, but the outcome was almost ending my life.

The combination of a man in his forties suddenly finds himself unable to stop CDing and coming to terms with that leaves him guilty ,lying and trying to deceive himself.

To accuse him of being dishonest and deceitful before he married it very hard to take , many of us believe it's a carry over from puberty and will probably grow out of it , OK some of us may also think being married will be a cure especially if it's sexual . I guess I hoped to continue happily sharing it ( an aspect of my CDing ) with my wife as I had with my GFs.

Those with an ebb and flow must face some confusion, thinking at times it's finally fading away, I've never felt that, it's 24/7, so most of the time I have to find ways to work it round to continue to function in male mode , that isn't easy ! There is so much our wives/partners will never understand simply because most females don't live with a trait like CDing ,their unacceptance comes out of that lack of understanding.

[Meghan4now]

Gillian,

I think the number one objection wives have, beside the "being lied to", is embarrassment. Seriously, all the time I grew up, my mom would always get down to "what will people think". In my last couple of "discussions" (listening sessions) about dressing, my wife made it clear in a number of ways, that it is the embarrassment that was her biggest complaint and worry, by far. There are different aspects and different reasons, and some are well founded, while others are supposition.

[sometimes_miss]

Hindsight being 20/20 vision, I'd also recommend that we tell our prospective spouse before getting too far into the relationship. Though, I'm not exactly sure how long to wait. I'll leave that to the GG's to advise us. All I know, is that NOT telling her, for me turned out to be a disaster. It wouldn't have changed much; during therapy, she disclosed that had she known, she never would have married me. The fact that I hadn't dressed in 10 years at that point, and would not feel the desire to for several more didn't dissuade her at all; she didn't accept my 'excuse' that I thought it was just transitory, and because I had not crossdressed for so many years, I had thought that I wouldn't want to at any point in the future. I thought that I had 'beaten' it, or grew out of it.
Didn't make any difference to her. She believed that I intentionally hid my past, and in doing so, deliberately ruined her life by my evil behavior. Then the anger, and the divorce.

So, there's no way to go about this without any risk. Seems many times, we're damned if we do, and damned if we don't. At least, that turned out to be my situation, anyway.

Like Meghan wrote, my mother was more concerned about how it would reflect on her; she was horrified when I told her, and wouldn't speak about it at all. A few years later, when I picked up one of her Lane Bryant catalogs at her house, her response was, 'Oh, are you STILL doing that?', which she said with a disgusted look on her face, then walked away. When she came back into the room, she pretended that it never happened, just picked up the catalog from the table and threw it out.

Women simply want their men to be the same as we always have; the strong, silent type, always there to lean on, always being a good provider. Always there for what they want from us.

As always, Your Mileage May Vary.

[Ressie]

I've always been a fetish dresser. Telling wasn't difficult with the first GF. About two weeks into the relationship she told me she was bi. That info made me feel safe to tell her about my fetish. That was in 1978 and we stayed together for about 2 years.

Since then, I've told every woman that I became involved with before getting too involved. I'm not saying every CD should come out with the truth right away, but it would be best to get it off of your chest, especially now days. I understand the reason some CDs never told there wife that they've been dressing for 50 years. It would take a very open minded woman to come out to in 1966! And after a few decades of marriage, some know their wife well enough that coming out would end in divorce.

I have now idea how many people know I dress now. I couple of my exes may have shared my secret (with mutual friends) which probably turned into gossip. At least I don't have to worry about being blackmailed!

[Rogina B]

Wow, so many interesting comments. One thing that wives didn't sign up for is keeping secrets. My wife wants me to keep everything quiet, within the home, and I do. It took 20 years of my secret being out with her, before she opened up to some of her secrets. She tells me I have a fetish and nobody is perfect.
I.

So,that is ok ? I think that the fetish dressers are often unwilling to try to explain why they enjoy it.

[faltenrock]

I came out to my wife after 6 years in partnership. We had the first kid that year and now this is 21 years ago.
It's the main issue for my wife, that I didn't tell her at the beginning and didn't give her a choice.

When we met and the time after, I didn't know that my desire would come back. But that's not an excuse.

[Jennylace]

the desire never goes away just embrace this part of you share that part of yourself in a caring and loving way

[Becky Blue]

I think many of you are fetishtic dressers [nothing wrong with that] But your "kink" embarrasses you. Much like some other "kinks". So,many choose not to tell as they have no explanation that the SO would feel happy with. If it is sexual,then jealousy and inferiority comes into it..

With all due respects Rogina (actually I take that back) that is judgemental and .... perhaps you were/are embarrassed about your dressing, but i have never been. If you actually read what I posted as well as quite a few answers thereafter by others you will see that the reasons for not telling had nothing to do with being embarrassed.

If Becky was simply a fetish i would happily share it with my wife as what harm would that do?

Some other comments, GenderMutt you are presuming that there is a know logical progression. What baseline are we giving our SO if we tell her what we are and then it changes? Thats a recipe for disaster, lets play that one out..

If I told my wife at the getgo that I am turned on by the thought of wearing items of female clothing. She would ask all the usual questions, such as are you gay? No Are you wanting to be a woman? No. So she deals with it and life moves on. 10 years later it changes. Errr dear, remember 10 years ago when I said.... well it seems as if thats no longer the case.. I am not turned on my the female clothing anymore, but maybe now I have urges to dress and perhaps maybe I think i do kind of want to be a woman. Now what does she think, perhaps I lied to her 10 years ago? how can she believe me now maybe i will change again. It all gets really hard. If anything the baseline maybe made things worse??

Gillian, you said one thing wives didn't sign up for is secrets. Well thats a rather big assumption. Perhaps wives did not sign up for a husband who wants to wear her clothes.

[ReineD]

My point to Char was that its not always so simple. Take my case as an example, until I was close to 40 I was a very very occasional CD. Dressing or part thereof was really a sexual fantasy more than a reality.

And why wouldn't a husband share his sexual fantasies with his wife. Sex is the most intimate thing a couple shares. It's the one experience between two people that makes their relationship different from just being friends, even best friends.

It's devastating for a wife to find out after decades that her husband has had sexual fantasies of a hidden nature. It's not about whether he dressed or put on makeup or not during those all years, as much as having hid a strong impulse to do so. True intimacy between two people requires no secrets.

[Becky Blue]

Reine, in my case for the simplest reason possible, we married quite young and were quite immature sexually, so it was many years before we shared out sexual fantasies. My wife was very happy to not talk about such things when we started out. She was very happy doing it but not talking about it. 22 years old probably don't have the true intimacy that you are talking about.

Years later when we did share fantasies I told her about that fantasy.

[Krea]

Hi Becky,
Your original point is spot-on. It's not always so simple.
Like some others, when i got married many years ago i didn't even know that this part of me existed. CDing has become a part of my life in the last 18 months or so. Having realised that it was not just a passing phase, i am glad that i finally came-out to my wife.

[Becky Blue]

As I said in my OP it is not that simple
Some start as CD's and then evolve to TS's
Some start as CD's and evolve to gender fluids
Some start as CD's and change
Some start as CD's and stay as CD's
Some dress for as a sexual thrill others don't
Some are embarrassed, ashamed and in denial
Some are proud and accepting
Some are men who like to dress
Some are woman in the wrong body
Some are both
Some are neither

Some place honesty at the top of their list of attributes, others place it below other things
Some understand themselves, others don't, some don't want to
Some SO's want to know everything, some are happy not knowing
Some married couples share intimacies and tell everything, others may not
Some wives embrace, some reject, some accept a DADT

My point is every situation is different every couple's dynamic is unique.. that is why it is never that simple.

[Teresa]

Becky,
From your list which covers most if not all, it's obvious most of us evolve , I would say most of the time we push that bit more, sometimes we can't explain it to ourselves why ?

It isn't simple to tell someone close that your brain is taking you on a journey, which you don't understand yourself let alone explaining it someone else . The voice on one shoulder is telling your you're a man and men don't dress in female clothes the other voice is telling you to release the female side and explore it . That scenario when it plays out every day can tear you apart , as I've said before it must be more confusing to Cders that ebb and flow, thinking it's gone for the last time only to be hit harder the next time it comes back . Most women will never understand that because it doesn't exist in their brains so most will never come to terms with it. What they don't get is it's something at the start we feel so guilty about we are possibly going to deny it to ourselves let alone admit it to anyone else .

It does get me at times this honesty question, for a start we don't truly believe it ourselves let alone tell a partner before we get married, besides it's mainly in hindsight we discover the truth about ourselves and that could be years into our relationship .So the decision becomes harder because we usually have more to lose.

[Becky Blue]

Exactly right Teresa, in the perfect world it would be great to be an open book and tell our SO's everything. But if it was a perfect world then we either wouldn't feel the way we do, or we would know why we feel that way. The world is very far from perfect and hopefully thats what makes life interesting.

I am neither advocating telling or not telling, my point is and will always be there is no easy answer and our circumstances are always different.

[JustJoni]

And why wouldn't a husband share his sexual fantasies with his wife. Sex is the most intimate thing a couple shares. It's the one experience between two people that makes their relationship different from just being friends, even best friends.

Very true, Reine. It goes both ways, of course, lol.

[Nadine Spirit]

My point is every situation is different every couple's dynamic is unique.. that is why it is never that simple.

Okay - I have to finally pipe up again. Sorry in advance as I know that I will step on some people's toes.

Talking to one's partner may not always be simple, but in my opinion it is necessary and helpful to everyone involved. I'm not saying that it is without peril, but it often is not as complicated as so many of you make it out to be.

When I met my wife, when I was 15, do you think I had any idea that I would be where I am today? No. No idea at all.

But did I tell my wife that I liked to shave my body hair? Yup. Did I tell her I liked wearing my sister's Guess jean jacket? Yup. It was nervous as all get out, but I still told her. It didn't mean that I explained to her how everything was going to be over the course of our possible marriage. Now that, that is the impossible thought.

The reality is some think that being able to be open and honest with the person you partner with is important, and some just don't care. That is generally not a problem, unless you match up with someone who thinks differently than you.

But hey, if you don't ever talk about things, then you won't ever know until the cat is out of the bag.

Why do I even bother saying something that goes against so many of your thoughts? Because of the people who contact me after getting caught and tell me they wished they had listened to me. How many people change their minds prior to getting caught? None that I know of. They are pretty self assured that they are doing the right thing. The thing that their spouse wants them to do. The best thing for them and everyone in their lives.

My how things change once they get caught. But then again, you won't get caught will you? You're too careful for that.

Good luck!

[Dana44]

No it is not simple. However in telling my SO it was hard but I did it and communication is the key. Now she ranted on this site for a time and got with the understanding wives. I pushed it one day in a tight dress and heels and she bucked. But then she came and told as I put my clothes back into a box. She told me to unpack them and wanted me to be happy. Now that took a few days. Till this day she says that she can never understand why a guy wants to wear fem clothes.But she does let me do it and we sometimes go out as two women.
I also dress for three or four days a week. But if I push it too far she says, look I don't want to live with a woman. So I have to back off for like a week and then it is alright. So an SO that loves you dearly may find a way to keep you happy. True love is a give and take for each other and if your wife with good communication can't, I wonder if that is true love. i benn through two divorces. Many women and finally found one that truly loves me. In no other relationship that I had did I feel this kind of love.

[ReineD]

Reine, in my case for the simplest reason possible, we married quite young and were quite immature sexually, so it was many years before we shared out sexual fantasies. My wife was very happy to not talk about such things when we started out. 's She was very happy doing it but not talking about it. 22 years old probably don't have the true intimacy that you are talking about.

Sorry Becky, but I think you're rationalizing. Of course there are 22 year-olds (and 60 year-olds) who have intensely connected sexual relationships. Also, the couples who are not so sexually intimate span all ages too. It's not a question of age but a question of sexual intimacy.

I appreciate that you did not feel you could tell her at that age, but this has to do with your own relationship with your wife and not 22 year-olds in general.