it is not so simple

[Becky Blue]

Reine, it seems to me as if you believe that all of us fit into one or two neat categories and that 'we' are all very similar, with just variations in timing and how far we go. if that is not your view then i apologise in advance.

There is a huge variation across this T world of ours which many people call a spectrum. Some are CD's at the start and are still CD's at the end. For some its sexual always for others never and for others the sexual side is a progression. Then others are clearly women trapped in the wrong bodies, for some this is almost from birth and for others its late onset.

By no means do all of us fall into those two categories there are many many others who define themselves as neither or both. I for example consider myself to be more Trans than CD but at different times in my life I have felt differently. 10 years ago I felt more than I do today.

[Paigeturner71]

I started out bi and had sexual encounters with females and males. Sex with men was usually followed with feelings of shame ay first. After I came to accept that part of my sexuality realizing that I a strong urgent feminine side did not manifest itself until many years later. Now I accept all that I am but still fearful of sharing it with the world. Necause it's a cruel world. I'm very happy I discovered these forums. Affirmation and acceptance are important to those that are different and struggling to make their way through the gauntlet of life.

[GeorgiaD]

Very true Becky. Life is complicated, and hindsight isn't any use to anyone. Do I wish my partner knew and embraced my alter ego? Yes, of course. Is it worth the risk of telling her? I'm risk averse, so no.

[ReineD]

Becky, you mention "one or two neat categories". You didn't name them, but I assume you had specific acronyms in mind.

I've learned over the years that acronyms that identify a person's gender identity are pretty useless. For example, three people who are not full-time might have similar motives, similar experiences, they might dress in similar ways and as frequently, etc. One might identify as CD, the other as TG, and the other as one of the non-binary labels.

So no, I don't think there are only two pigeonholes for members here. But, if a person has sexual fantasies about the crossdressing at an early age, this is a pretty good predictor that they will eventually crossdress and further, that for many if not most of them, the sexual aspect will eventually wane over the years, no matter how they end up identifying. I say this based on years of having read tens of thousands of posts here.

[AnnaMarie]

For many on here we start as occasional CDs and then things evolve often slowly, at what stage do we suddenly think OMG this is something I need to share with my SO? Not so simple....

And those who do tell at the start and a DADT situation results, do you regularly update the DADT SO when things change?

To bring things back on topic. I risked my marriage, family and everything I had telling my wife. I know she's got quite traditional values and even the thought of the lads in Duran Duran wearing lipstick in the 80's is a huge turn off for her. My feelings and needs got to such an intense level that I had so much guilt in wanting to go out, dress and meet others in a similar situation. Having lied twice about my whereabouts I couldn't do this again and it was getting me very down. I wrote everything in a letter and told her everything.
It went better than I thought until it sank in. Now it's not talked about. I've given time for questions even asking if there is anything she'd like to discuss. My dressing has been put in a mental cupboard and the door locked. She knows I do it, I get permission to go out, but we never ever discuss it. I don't think this will ever change.

[nikkiwindsor]

Life is so very different for all of us that I cannot imagine trying to suggest to others how to live it. I think everyone should decide for themselves how to relate to their significant other. And while the forum is a great way to communicate, it isn't a channel for effectively getting to know someone fully and understand the entire context of the life they live. So, any "advice" provided to someone else here could really miss the mark in what would be "best" for their relationship. In reading some of these posts, my thoughts were affirmed when I appreciated just how far off the mark some remarks between our forum members. How many times did someone say in this thread something to the effect of, "no, that's not the point" or "no, that's not what I meant" or " that's not how I felt." Each of us has a unique life, unique experiences, and a unique and unknown journey into the future. We cannot possibly have sufficient understanding to deliver advice, especially on matters as important and as deeply complex as gender, to someone else. Rather, an approach that seems to work well within the forum is for us to continue sharing our experiences, decisions, attitudes, beliefs, and ways of wandering this world and let others use it as they see fit within their own life. We're not in a position to judge others or know what is best for someone. Let's just be here for each other by providing support, inspiration, words of encouragement, and our own stories in the hope and with the desire that it helps others or simply brings a bit of joy or happiness. Nikki

[Samm]

Life is so very different for all of us that I cannot imagine trying to suggest to others how to live it. I think everyone should decide for themselves how to relate to their significant other. And while the forum is a great way to communicate, it isn't a channel for effectively getting to know someone fully and understand the entire context of the life they live. So, any "advice" provided to someone else here could really miss the mark in what would be "best" for their relationship. In reading some of these posts, my thoughts were affirmed when I appreciated just how far off the mark some remarks between our forum members. How many times did someone say in this thread something to the effect of, "no, that's not the point" or "no, that's not what I meant" or " that's not how I felt." Each of us has a unique life, unique experiences, and a unique and unknown journey into the future. We cannot possibly have sufficient understanding to deliver advice, especially on matters as important and as deeply complex as gender, to someone else. Rather, an approach that seems to work well within the forum is for us to continue sharing our experiences, decisions, attitudes, beliefs, and ways of wandering this world and let others use it as they see fit within their own life. We're not in a position to judge others or know what is best for someone. Let's just be here for each other by providing support, inspiration, words of encouragement, and our own stories in the hope and with the desire that it helps others or simply brings a bit of joy or happiness. Nikki

This should be a sticky in the forum rules section.

[Becky Blue]

Well said Nikki, instead of people saying you should or should not do or say X, rather say I did or said X and this is what happened or I believe that in my case.....