An interesting discussion started in Judy's thread so I thought it would be better to start a new one rather than hijack hers.
The discussion started with Char GG saying that it is better to tell your SO at the beginning rather than all the pain and suffering that can occur if she discovers that her husband has been lying to her on top of the whole CD thing.
My point to Char was that its not always so simple. Take my case as an example, until I was close to 40 I was a very very occasional CD. Dressing or part thereof was really a sexual fantasy more than a reality. Until I was 40 I had never dressed fully, never put on makeup, had no 'female persona' and no need/desire to dress. When I met my future wife it did not enter my mind to tell her about my kink, what new couple sits down and shares their sexual fantasies at the beginning? Over 15 years of happy marriage I maybe put on an item or two of woman's clothing 12 times.
Then around 40 it all changes for me, Becky emerges the next year or two I am trying to work out what is happening to me and why and who I am. Would this have been the time to say to my wife "hey dear I think I maybe transgendered but I am not sure, sometimes i think i am then many times I don't"? Imagine the hurt and pain I have spared her over the last 10 years by not sharing my confusion. At the end of the day she is happy, I am happy and life is good.
The point of this post is not to justify my decision but to try and engender (pun intended) a conversation about when to tell if ever.
It is easy to think of life in simple terms. Man is CD, man meets woman, man tells woman so he doesn't have to hide his habit/hobby/need at the get go. This ignores the fact that it is very rare that the way we feel about dressing at 20 is the same as at 40. it also ignores the fact that we are not very mature at 20 and maybe can't project forward to what may happen 20 years from then.
For many on here we start as occasional CDs and then things evolve often slowly, at what stage do we suddenly think OMG this is something I need to share with my SO? Not so simple....
And those who do tell at the start and a DADT situation results, do you regularly update the DADT SO when things change?