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Thread: Pushing her into the arms of a man

  1. #1
    New Member steff9271's Avatar
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    Pushing her into the arms of a man

    I have a girlfriend that says she loves me and she's been very supporting for most of my journey so far, my problem is I don't think I satisfy her sexually any more and I feel I'm not enough for her. She has shown interest in a local lad recently and I have encouraged her to meet him and see where it goes. It's breaking my heart thinking of her in the arms of someone else but it's breaking my heart also that I can not give her what she needs. I don't want her going without anything in life and I feel she can do much better than me. I know I'm pushing her away but how can I look at myself in the mirror knowing I've held her back ?

  2. #2
    Living MY Life Rachel Smith's Avatar
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    com mun i ca tion I wanted that to be in all caps but couldn't figure out how to do it but you get the drift.
    Last edited by Rachel Smith; 05-15-2017 at 06:25 PM.
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    Aspiring Member MarieTS's Avatar
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    Steff, Tell her just like you told us here. Let her know exactly how you feel, how much you want what is best for her. Then let her decide. It would also be a terrific idea for Steff to reverse roles -- make believe Steff is a gg interested in a guy who is in transition and has a potential straight suitor as well. What would SHE do?
    Last edited by MarieTS; 05-16-2017 at 01:13 AM.
    Marie

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    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
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    Talk to her......at one of our visits to the gender clinics Nigella said to me "I'm giving you the opportunity to leave if you want to" she also said that this was her and no matter what she couldn't go back. I already knew I wasn't going anywhere. Tell her how you are feeling about all of this and how much it is hurting you.
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  5. #5
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by steff9271 View Post
    I don't want her going without anything in life and I feel she can do much better than me.
    I agree with the others that you should talk to her.

    In the meantime, I wish you would reframe your thinking about this. If it does end up that she needs to be in a hetero relationship, this is not better or worse but just different. Some GGs are flexible and can still be sexually satisfied with a transitioned transwoman partner, and some GGs cannot be because they need a man. It's a hetero sexual orientation that dictates an attraction to the opposite sex, not a judgment that you leave something to be desired as a person. And if your girlfriend is indeed attracted to men, I gather you do not want to be a man, and so the two of you have simply stopped being sexually compatible. Had you been born a woman, the two of you would likely not have become a couple in the first place.
    Reine

  6. #6
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    Reine offers up the raw truth, but it is just that, the truth. I too have had to come to a similar realization. While my wife and I are still married and living in the same house, we've basically become totally separate people. Our marriage is now essentially an open marriage in that we're both free to date and have sexual relations with people outside of our marriage. It is hard and it does hurt but at the end of the day like Reine said, we've just become sexually incompatible as a result of my transition. I'm sorry it will hurt but eventually you'll have to figure out how to let it go. Sadly for many of us we simply can't have our cake and eat it too.

  7. #7
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    OK, FAT chance I would encourage my partner to sleep with another man. Full stop.

    Have you guys tried going left field in terms of sexuality? Toys / other sexual intimacy options. There are some interesting resources out there on the internet on Trans and Lesbian sex. I'm reminded of a comedy routine I heard once where a girl was describing how her most recent girlfriend was blown away by how thoughtful and romantic and funny and interesting she was compared to her previous boyfriends. Basically it was along the lines of "It's not that us lesbian and Bi girls aren't interested in penises, it's just everything else that is attached to the penis we can do without!"

    Also don't forget sexual intimate relationships are built around more than physical attraction. I can find some girls quite physically attractive but as soon as they open their mouth and try to talk its like "get me out of here". Would I stay with my partner if she transitioned to male? Yeah, I probably would. I am almost exclusively physically attracted to females so it would take a bit of getting used to and some exploration physically as to what works and what doesn't and maybe a bit of inventiveness, but I am not in love with a gender or a body, I am in love with a person.

    BTW This is what unconscious heteronormative prejudices do to people. Staff, you are a beautiful and desirable person. Just because you can't get an erect penis does not make you less of a person or a lover than any other person out there. If you love her, go after her. You deserve to be loved and you can love both emotionally and physically just as much as any other person out there.
    Last edited by Kate T; 05-18-2017 at 08:07 AM.

  8. #8
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kate T View Post
    Also don't forget sexual intimate relationships are built around more than physical attraction. I can find some girls quite physically attractive but as soon as they open their mouth and try to talk its like "get me out of here".
    Yes, sexual attraction for most people is more than just the wrapping. There has to be something about a partner that attracts me other than just looks, whether this is intellect, an aspect of personality, or something else. But still, a hetero person could be best friends with a same-sex person and admire them deeply on all levels, even love them as a best friend, without being sexually attracted.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kate T View Post
    Have you guys tried going left field in terms of sexuality? Toys / other sexual intimacy options.
    This requires that both partners should be willing and it also requires a degree of flexible sexual-attraction. Some GGs are indeed sexually flexible. But some aren't because they are staunchly hetero and for them, the other person's physical sex (not necessarily how attractive or not they are) is paramount. And so for these GGs, using a variety of toys won't work. We can all blame them and label them as shallow, or we can accept that there is a wide variety of ways that people are wired for sexual attraction.

    To Steff, I reiterate that you should talk to your SO and as Kate suggests also suggest the use of sex toys, but accept it if she is no longer sexually attracted to you because you are now a woman. And keep in mind this is no judgment on your worth as a person or on her worth. A breakup might, in fact, free you both up to partner with someone who is more sexually compatible.
    Last edited by ReineD; 05-20-2017 at 02:10 PM.
    Reine

  9. #9
    Paulette-Passion FurPus63's Avatar
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    Hi
    This is a major problem for a lot of us. Many of us trans women go through this at some point. It would be even more difficult for you if you were married. Thank God you are not. Although I understand there are some people here who are married and I don't mean that as an insult to you. I'm just saying it is so much tougher when you are. Mostly because the women we marry (when we lived our lives as men) are usually not lesbians. They married a man, because that's who they thought and believed we were. Then we come out as trans and state we want to transition and somehow expect everything to be o.k.?

    Yeah, I hear that love conquers all, and it shouldn't be about genitals, but let's be real here. In a perfect world it wouldn't be. However; for most of the population who are not trans, it is, just that. I just recently broke up with a boyfriend who after a few months of dating revealed to me that he just couldn't handle it that I was trans. I have had an orchi and am medically and legally female, but still have a small penis/"enlarged clit." However; apparently, it really bothered him and he just couldn't accept that I was female. Now this all sounds awful and it is, but the point is; this is how the majority of the world perceives reality.

    "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina," is what they've been taught for thousands of years, and it just seems that it's too hard for people to accept anything else. This includes our wives, girlfriends, and in some cases even new boyfriends. Love doesn't always conquer all. Unfortunately.

  10. #10
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    We don't allow people to expect us to be anything other than who we truly are right? Each of us is going through transition because we simply can't turn off our true gender identity and just continue living as we were born. In the exact same way, we can't expect the person that we love, who is heterosexual, to just simple convert to bi-sexual or homosexual because we're transitioning. I don't care how much love there is there for the person inside, as Reine stated, unless they have a certain level of flexibility in their sexual preference already, it's simply not going to happen and it's not fair for us to expect it to or to make them feel guilty because they can't.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    This requires that both partners should be willing
    Absolutely 110% completely and utterly the above!!! Sorry if I didn't emphasise that enough.

  12. #12
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    Even though this thread is several months old, I feel compelled to ask "I don't think I satisfy her sexually any more". There are many ways to satisfy a woman....unless, you no longer have sexuall desires for a woman. I'd like to know more.

  13. #13
    Reality Check
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    Loving relationships don't have to be all about sex. Even among normal, heterosexual couples, sometimes one or the other partner can no longer participate in what we think of as "traditional sex". I'm talking about physical or medical conditions. My wife has found sex to be so painful that we don't do that any more. Am I going to run out and find another wife or sex partner? The answer is "No". She finds other ways to please me and I find other ways to please her.

    While sex is often important in a relationship, it is really a very small portion of the time a couple spends together.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krisi View Post
    While sex is often important in a relationship, it is really a very small portion of the time a couple spends together.
    Although the original poster has long left the building, the fact of the matter is, sex is much more than a small part of the relationship. It is a connection, Tantric and Spiritual. It is a meeting of the souls and a way to know each other that no one else shares. It is truly a righteous thing. Though I understand that some couple work through this and older couples can justify their new arrangement more easily due to different perspective and agenda, it is a workaround all the same. Particularly for those of a certain age. I think the OP is awesome in her altruistic endeavors to help her significant other seek out a complete loving life. It will allow both women to seek out what they need to live an sexually actualized existence. A very valuable thing, regardless of the hyperbole that may argue it's value.

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