Life in a truly free society

[Aunt Kelly]

Jeri Ann and Tracii have both hit on something that many of us grapple with. For some of us, the stress (for lack of a better term) that is induced in those close to us (family), or important to us (employers, clients), by our expression of femininity is a thing that matters. And it should, because those people and their feelings matter. For all too many of us, the "feelings" of everyone else matter as well. A while back, I told the forum about the morning that Jeri Ann and I spent in the nail salon, and how one GG customer appeared to be somewhat aggrieved by my presence. At that moment, I had a choice. I could have let that woman's scowl spoil my day. Let's face it, all gender identity complications aside, the feeling you get from a look like that is never nice, but she didn't know me, didn't employ me, didn't matter. So instead of cringing, I chose to try and bring some light into the situation. With suitable chagrin, I'll point out that it didn't work, but that's not the point. The point is that through simply recognizing that her negative feelings didn't have to affect me, I was empowered to take control and try to affect her in a positive way. BTW, both Kandi and Jeri Ann have shared that it is a smile that will make the difference, and I thank them again for sharing that.

We do live in a free society. There's not law against what we do. Most people don't care or are mildly amused by the "guy in a dress". They don't matter. Those who might act forcefully to having their delicate sensibilities assaulted by a male presenting a feminine appearance are few enough that I choose to ignore them as statistically insignificant. Yes, the numbers change depending on when and where you are, but so does the threat of random acts of violence, robbery, automobile collision, and being struck by lightening. I choose regularly to ignore all those "threats", regardless of what I'm wearing.

[Jodie_Lynn]

This may seem a bit off topic, but I feel it relates.

"I am offended"

3 small words that have mutated into a monstrous idea and sentiment that can have a tremendous outcome for others. Lets see what "offend" means.

Definition of offend
intransitive verb
1
a :* to transgress (see transgress transitive 1) the moral or divine law :* sin
if it be a sin to covet honor, I am the most offending soul alive — William Shakespeare
b :* to violate a law or rule :* do wrong offend against the law
2
a :* to cause difficulty, discomfort, or injury; took off his shoe and removed the offending pebble
b :* to cause dislike, anger, or vexation; thoughtless words that offend needlessly
transitive verb
1
a :* violate, transgress
a contract not offending a statute … might still be in restraint of trade — C. A. Cooke
b :* to cause pain to :* hurt; tasteless billboards that offend the eye
2
obsolete :* to cause to sin or fall
3
:* to cause (a person or group) to feel hurt, angry, or upset by something said or done ; was offended by their language She carefully worded her comments so as not to offend anyone.

I have included all definitions of the word, and highlighted what I feel are the two that best fit our current climate of self-victimization.

"I am offended" is a phrase that has come to be used anytime someone doesn't like what another is doing/saying/wearing. Its mere utterance causes folk to do a double take & reexamine what the "offensive" behavior is. In my not so humble opinion, I would venture to guess that the majority of offensable actions are merely someone's attempt to control what others can and cannot do.

Yes, there ARE offenses in the world, and serious ones too, but most of the "offenses" that I see, are pure horseshyte.

[Transfem Megyn]

This is something I think about often. For me personally, my kids are the only reason that I don't dress however I want full-time. They're adolescent aged, and it's a difficult enough time to get through, without having a dad how walks around town in a skirt and heels.

I'm new here so none of you know my story (maybe if I feel ambitious, I'll post it sometime), but I don't want to pass as female, I just enjoy wearing "women's clothes". It bother's me that we even call them that! Clothes don't have gender! Women can (and do) wear whatever they want. They aren't judged or ridiculed for it... nobody even gives it a second thought. Yet it wasn't until sometime in the mid 1930's that Vogue magazine first published a picture of a woman in pants. I know that wasn't yesterday, but it wasn't that long ago either.

I think it's going to be more of a challenge for society to accept those of us who were AMAB wearing clothes that have been traditionally worn by those who were AFAB. I think a lot of it has to do with the fragility of masculinity, along with sexism and misogyny.

I could talk about this stuff for hours, but don't want to bore anyone.

Megyn

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

What can we do to make that happen?

Get out of the house in your best outfit. Get known. Studies have shown that the best predictor of whether a person accepts/tolerates a different demographic group is whether they know someone from that group personally. To many muggles, the only crossdresssers they are aware of are the over-the-top drag queens on RuPauls Drag Race. Not my style and also not what seems to be the preferred mode of the members of this forum. I think it's a bit too In Your Face for most people in the general public.

I think we need to select an outfit that's appropriate for everyday activities, then go out and act normally. Imagine how a GG in your city dresses and carries herself for a trip to the mall, then try that. So, no evening gowns or little black cocktail dresses to the grocery store. Worry less about passing and more about showing the world that we're not freaks, just regular people.

Several years ago, the gay community strongly encouraged, and unfortunately, sometimes even forced, their people to come out of the closet. Suddenly, straight people who thought they didn't know someone who was gay realized that Bob down the street or Susan at the office were gay and they're okay people. It became easier to see them as real people, not their stereotypes. Thanks to that effort, there is better anti discrimination legislation and even gay marriage. If we get out in greater numbers, acceptance will improve for us and it won't be as difficult because the hardest part of the job has already been done.

This!

I completely agree with you Suzanne. For me it's not about forcing my choices on anyone. To be honest, I don't understand what all the fuss is about. It's not a big deal... it's just clothes! Nobody confers with me on their fashion choices, why should I confer with them? I don't get offended at my neighbor across the street because I never see him without his "uniform" on... guinea-tee and a baseball hat. Whatever... he obviously likes it, more power to him.

All that being said, I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite. Like I said earlier, I don't dress how I want to in public because I'm trying to protect my kids from ridicule and alienation. I don't know... I'm very conflicted about a lot of this stuff. I'm hoping that being around like-minded people will help me work through some of this stuff.

[Tracii G]

The whole I am offended thing going on now is so silly and utter BS there I said it.
OK you or I get offended well so what?
This makes my point

[Teresa]

Megyn,
Sometime ago I posted a thread about there never being a right time to come out and tell the family including kids .

I see it from your angle but also from burdening your problem on them , in their teens they have enough to contend with. My kids were both in their thirties when I told them, both my son and daughter are OK about it even to the point of telling their married partners. No they aren't offended , even when we came to a near separation , I'd explained it well enough. The point I often make is I'm not out to them 100% , because they haven't seen me dressed. That makes a big difference when we talk about being out to people, they do know I go out socially so obviously they know many people have seen me .

As for clothes having gender, at times that makes me smile, when you search on Ebay or visit a retail shop , they don't usually say dresses or skirts but very often put "ladies " in front of the description , most people know what majority are going to wear them. Maybe they will stop saying it when they realise more of the customer reviews are coming from CDing men .

[Transfem Megyn]

Thanks for the comments Teresa, I appreciate them.

I don't go out of my way to necessarily hide it from my kids, but they've never seen me dressed. I should preface that by saying that I don't think I "dress" like it seems like a lot of people here do. I just enjoy wearing "women's" clothing... specifically skirts, heels, and tights. I love women's jeans too, but can't stand that the pockets are so small, so I usually stay away from them. I've never worn a wig, done makeup, painted my nails, or anything like that... I only shave my face a couple of time a week, so half the time I'm sporting a major five o'clock shadow. The odd thing is that I regularly shave my legs and other body hair... I don't know... I guess I'm a weirdo! I just like the clothes, and don't mind being seen as a "guy" in "women's clothes". Anyway, like I was saying, I don't go out of my way to hide anything from my kids. My 12 year old daughter knows I shave my legs, etc. She busts me about it, but it doesn't phase her at all. I guess she grew up in the age of Caitlyn, so it doesn't seem that unusual. I also have several skirts and a few pairs of heels in my closet that are just sitting there for anyone who opens it to see... Whatever. I'm more concerned with other people in town and their reactions. It's hard enough going through puberty without having to be known as the kid who's dad is a faggot (or whatever else closed-minded people would think of me). I just don't want my kids to have to suffer for my "quirkiness".

This is going to sound strange, but the only person who has seen me dressed is my ex-wife. We're still good friends, and a lot of this stuff came back into my life after we divorced. She's actually pretty cool with it. She doesn't understand it, but she doesn't have to. To be honest, I don't know if I understand it either. We still own our marital house together, and although she relocated several states away, she spends a good portion of time here, so she can see the kids. I work from home, and when she's here, she often does too. Since my time to dress is when the kids are at school, when she does work from here, she gets to see me dressed. It's crazy... she's the one wearing sweat pants or jeans, and I'm sitting here in a skirt and heels. Once in a while she has to go into the office for a board meeting and there's been more than one occasion when she's had to borrow a pair of tights from me. Ha! It's a crazy world! You can't make this stuff up.

[Beverley Sims]

I would as I wish to present as a woman.

[Leslie Mary S]

I find when you react to something someone else has said to truly offend you, you are falling into their trap. I truly feel that if I ignore the insult or offense I am taking away the public bite of what they say.
If my mind is totally up to the task ,rarely, I try to switch the insult/offense around so that they become the one being insulated/offend. It shows their ignorance/bullying etc.
The reason I rarely use this last tactic is two fold. My mind is slow, they might get so offended that they try to use physical contact/force to correct what I have wrecked upon them.
A real lady tries her best to avoid physical contact/violence. A true lady figures out how to get both society and laws to strengthen her points.

[Rachel05]

Rachel getting past the whole "passing" thing is when CDing takes on a whole new light.
The reality is maybe 1% of CDers on this site actually "pass" but passing doesn't matter because its you being comfy in who you are.
If you exude confidence while you are out and about people see that and passing doesn't matter as much.

I guess you are right in what you say because when I started to underdress I was scared stupid that someone would notice bra straps or something feminine showing and it used to freak me out, now I just do it, don't worry about it and don't actually care if someone did notice.

I suppose with time my confidence will move on and I will become one of the 99% that don't pass but feel great being me and I think you are right, it is about confidence