What is it that you really are afraid of?

[Paula DAngelo]

Lately I've been seeing posts along the lines of I won't go here, or I won't do this, or I will stay away from these type of people. Let me say I'm not knocking any one for trying to avoid what could turn out to be a dangerous situation, or even avoiding a situation the could become ugly. Everyone wants be safe, at least I hope they do.

What I don't understand is it seems that most of what I'm seeing is along the lines of "I don't want to be made fun of/embarrassed" or "I don't want to be not liked". How do you think someone born with a birth defect, or some type of injury caused by an accident, or someone who is just not "normal" for the area feels. Do you think that they let their life be run/controlled by others feelings? Do you think that they refuse to live their life because they are different. Sadly it seems to be human nature to make fun of/ridicule those that are different, but that's the way it is.

Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle since I am a transsexual woman and I live with this every day. Do I pass/blend? I don't know and honestly I don't care what others are thinking about me. I work in the security field and I don't have the luxury of always avoiding a situation that would make me uncomfortable, when something happens I'm expected to respond regardless of feelings (just for reference I've worked in areas where I've been the one that is the minority, or hated just because of the uniform I'm wearing). I work with people of all ages, sexes, and backgrounds everyday and guess what, most people don't care, and the ones that do mostly just drop it if you don't let them get to you.

Now that I've rambled long enough, what I'm really asking is are you afraid because you are actually worried about violence, or are you afraid because of your own insecurities? If it's the latter, why are you letting others control your life and keeping you from being yourself and being happy?

Just something for everyone to think about. Inquiring minds want to know.

[Lana Mae]

I do not know if Lana Mae passes/blends! Planning my first time out alone! Yes, I do have some fear of violence, but I can push it to the back of my mind. Some degree of fear of embarrassing myself in some way as it will be my first time out alone! Unlike you, I do not have to deal with it daily. Proud of your courage to just do it! It is strange that although a little fearful, I know it will be so exhilarating! Money is all that is holding me back right now. Planning for late in June for now, if the money is there! Hugs Lana Mae

[Dana44]

Paula, your are living the life you want to. But I do go out and try to stay safe , like restaurants, theater and shopping. Or going to a lake or something fun. I have been out so may times that I have no fear but I do try to stay away from a pack of teenagers as they seem the ones to bother us. But most people don't seem to mind us and some are interested in us as we are out there. I have had many a good conversation with a waitress for example. I have long hair and hoop earrings in even in male mode I have worn it down and looking girly as a male. II will die a boy but I think I will live most of the rest of my life as a female. A transsexual friend of mine has told me that I am going that way. For some reason as my gender fluid self, I on a long time feminine side and it has not switched back for some time. I love being me and hope to love myself and enjoy life..

[Lauri K]

Paula you are not imagining things, many threads echo "I won't do this or go here while dressed" etc. Just look at the under dressers threads that get posted, same deal and their garments cannot even be seen unless you have one of those x ray vision things.

Perhaps I see more of this sentiment of fear related to those ladies who don't dress everyday, lets face it though for those just starting out they probably should really stick to low stress venues that are safe until the gain some "street" experience to know when to be in fear and when to relax.

Most of us will do fine no matter where we go as long as you dress for the occasion, be polite and courteous likely no problems. Yeah you may get clocked, but guess what we will continue to get clocked until there are enough of us out and about that eventually the ingrained societal norm diminishes and we become more common place in day to day scene around towns everywhere.

Often times people will say to me that we are beautiful inside and out and what we do to be ourselves takes more courage then they can even imagine........ I never tell them it gets easier, with each outing..........but this is good example of seeing support for us even if it is some dull understanding of what we face in life

I can tell you though tensions have ratcheted up with so many discriminatory bills being introduced (example Texas, I think 21 anti LGBT bills this legislative session) so I think that drives the fear factor up considerably which may be contributing to seeing more people declaring where they will go dressed and avoid others just because of that media effect.

I say don't be a victim of fear, keep pushing ahead to be who you truly are.

[Teresa]

Paula,
Many thanks for asking this question as a TS, the situation is a little different for you as you have little choice.

After the last weekend where I drove to a busy hotel dressed and checked in, changed into a strapless ballgown for the evening birthday party and then dressed for breakfast , I realise now most of our fears are inside our own heads. I have to admit I was a little apprehensive as I knew the hotel was much bigger than the previous one our social group used but I didn't expect it to be so busy.
Through the whole weekend not one person gave me a second look made any comments, even being seen in the ballgown, so do I pass ? I was certainly not blending dressed like that , some very kind GG friends who run a Bridal shop told me I make a convincing woman, so maybe they were right, the problem is we don't see ourselves as others do only the static reflection in a flat mirror.

I have commented on the difference before in the replies made by US members compared with UK member.On the whole US members appeared to be more concerned about adverse comments and the threat of violence . Here in the UK things do appear to be easier , we tend to be more accepting and don't make a big issue over TG matters.

To come back to your question, what am I afraid of ? My problem is mostly my DADT situation , not knowing when the whole stack of cards will come crashing down, just how comfortable are we with the compromise we struck .
I still can't honestly answer my own question of transition, that doesn't frighten me the same anymore, what will be will be !!

The only way you can conquer the fears if you wish to be totally out, is just go and do it and see, most of the fears will be laid to rest .

Lauri,
I do agree with you on the point of people possibly respecting us for having the courage to show our conviction. I have heard that from several sources , even my wife was surprised, I do believe I have gained some respect from her . Hiding behind closed doors isn't good for anyone's state of mind , now she knows I no longer hide it away her attitude has changed towards me wanting to go out and shop for my own clothes that suit my style . She still chooses not to see me but now she has to accept so many others have .

[Rachael Leigh]

Paula you are right on and what are we afraid of, I was so scared when I ventured out my door and thought someone is going to laugh at the guy in makeup and wig and well you know what it didn't happen I went out and all was well.
It wasn't too long I would interact with people too and I was like I'm just another person in the world and it was ok.
I'm not fulltime and no I will prob never go the route you have but I've found it's ok to be out and enjoy who we are and
to let others know we are just people who want to feel welcome
Rachael Leigh

[Fiona123]

...I'm really asking is are you afraid because you are actually worried about violence, or are you afraid because of your own insecurities? If it's the latter, why are you letting others control your life and keeping you from being yourself and being happy.

Paula: Good question. My answer is that I am less afraid of violence and more controlled by my own insecurities. Absolutely. I carry a self imposed burden of guilt and shame. I came out to my spouse as transgender (it has not gone all that well), and a couple of therapists (who were much more accepting). I have insomnia and depression and I want nothing more than to be able to present en femme. I cant figure out how to break the cycle I have created for myself.

I must say that I greatly admire gals (like you) who are able to be out. I think it wonderful and always enjoy reading the posts.

[Tracii G]

Fiona honey if I lived close to you I would drag you out of the house and help you get over the cycle.
Maybe join a support group would help you to break the chains.
Its a really common thing with CDers so you are not alone you just need that one person to go out with so you can be free for a short time.

LauriK pretty much explained it the way I see it too.

[Aunt Kelly]

I think you're right on, Paula, with your birth defect analogy. While we might well balk at the term "defect", this is in fact something with which we are born. We can choose to hide in shame, or we can choose to go about our life as everyone has a right to do.
I just finished a lengthy response in another thread about the same thing. Your post nailed it, lady. Thanks for sharing.

[Ressie]

Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle since I am a transsexual woman and I live with this every day.

Not wrong, just different. I'm pretty much a fetish dresser that doesn't have much desire to dress in public. Dressing (en fem) in public isn't important to me.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Spiders, definitely spiders.

As to presenting in public? I think its being thought of as a weirdo or some sort of deviant. I have been an onlooker when a CD/TG has interacted with sales clerks. Most of the clerks try to maintain a professional demeanor, whilst other customers giggle & smirk. But once the person exits the store, the clerks will often express their real response: laughter & ridicule.

If its a place that I will likely not visit again, I don't really care what the reaction is AFTER I leave. But closer to home, I don't know if I could deal with the fact that people I see on a day-to-day basis, think I'm odd. Plus, my daughter & ex-wife live in the same town, and I wouldn't want them to get caught in any drama.

Altho, as I venture out more & more, I am becoming much more comfortable appearing public.

[Teresa]

Jodie,
That's the whole point your own comfort level, acceptance dictates that ,being more concerned what others think instead of you own inner needs, eventually the balance does come.

Hang ups of guilt and shame on one hand and the thought of being selfish on the other. Most of us are born with his trait why is it so wrong to admit it to ourselves and others.

Paula and other TSs don't have that luxury , they have to make the final decision that this is the road they must take . I often think about that situation and how hard it must be on a daily basis .

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Paula,

Wow, such sage advice from my Texas girlfriends. I agree with Kelly (sup Kelly?). I like the birth defect analogy too. In fact, that is how I have described my maleness for a long time, a birth defect. I can't help the fact that I got the wrong body. While I have done several things to correct the mistake, I can not always pass. Because of that, I want to avoid undue attention and certainly don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Still, I have a right to live my life.

I agree with Dana about the teenagers. They can be a pain in the rear. I also avoid certain venues sometimes, it's just common sense.

Lauri's advice is as good as it gets just "dress for the occasion, be polite and courteous."

And Fiona, sweetie, if you ever get half a chance, let Traci "drag you out of the house" it would help you immensely and be a blast. I have drug Kelly and Lauri places and they have reciprocated with me. It has all been so much fun.

As far as afraid?
"I don't like spiders and snakes and that ain't what it takes to love me" Lol

Oh, and let me invite all of you to Houston for our GNO on June 23. A great time with people that will love you until you ask them why. And good food and spirits at completely safe venues, I promise.
Minnesota, Kentucky, Pittsburgh, North Carolina, Michigan, New York , UK, contact me for details. Y'all come!

Jeri Ann

[Kandi Robbins]

I have often though the same thing, just never bothered to post about it. If we let "what might happen" dictate our lives, then we would still have colored water fountains, gay people would not enjoy the (relative) freedoms they have and people with handicaps, etc. would be warehoused as useless. Sure, it's not perfect. Life never was and never will be. The real truth of the matter is that people will accept us for who we are and what we do (there have always been and will always be those that hate for one reason or the other), if WE accept ourselves for who we are. I can only speak from personal experience, having lived a life of what if and fear, now that I have accepted who I am, I am almost universally accepted by others. I have easily double and tripled the amount of friends I have (real friends, not "virtual" ones) since I stepped out that first time, in that way-to-young-for-me dress, with those imagined eyes burning through me some 2 1/2 years ago. I have had my breakfast purchased for me, drinks bought for me, been invited to join others for a meal, invited to plays, concerts, services, etc. simply because I DIDN'T pass. Now, I do whatever I want, where ever I wish, with whomever will put up with me. My smile is now permanent, after a lifetime of being nonexistent. You hit the nail on the head. We have no excuses but our own.

[Tracii G]

Kandi you are so right.

[Tina Davis]

This is a great topic, Paula. I can see both sides of the situation, and for me it is still more of my own insecurities. I haven't been out much and have enjoyed when I did go out, but my family comes first. So I bide my time until I have the opportunity, then I will not be afraid. My journey, my timetable, my life.

[Tracii G]

As it should be Tina all in your own time.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've had the wonderful opportunity to have many TG friends and to be able to go out with a support team covering my back (and my front, I guess).

There was a time when I thought I was the only one like this. Even after I realized there were others very much like me, I was glad to have someone's hand to hold the first time in a restaurant, in a bar and shopping. Sometimes the support was physical in that someone was right there with me, and other times it was virtual. It was always comforting to know of others here who went to the mall and weren't strung up by villagers with torches and pitchforks. It gave me confidence that I would survive, and maybe even thrive.

Count me as thriving.

[biannne]

Personally I think most cross dresser try to avoid awkward situations. That is human mature regardless of who you are. I try to avoid dangerous situation or situation that can lead to other things even if I am dressed as man or woman.
The solution to overcoming this fear is to take small steps till you are comfortable.

i work with special needs and I know for a fact that most of them do not like certain situations and you try to avoid them as much as possible. And we try to introduce them to these situation in small steps till they become comfortable.

[Helen_Highwater]

Isn't the fear and trepidation many experience similar to those who a afraid of flying? You can be told over and over that it's by far the safest form of transport, you're more likely to be murdered by a family member than killed in a plane crash, all sorts of statistics but getting on that aircraft still scares the hell out of you.

So you take the nervous flyers course were you're taught the tools and techniques to relax and (hopefully) enjoy the flight. You make it but there was still a stomach full of butterflies.

Those of us who've been out can tell those poised behind the door that stepping out over the threshold won't result in pitchforks and lynch mobs. Go where all the normal folk go, i.e. the mall in daylight, dress to blend and work on your mannerisms and all will be fine and dandy. What we're trying to overcome is a fear learnt over a lifetime were we saw fun and ridicule directed at gays and trannies. We all know people who would readily poke fun at someone they saw in the street or in a restaurant because they dressed differently, not necessarily enfemme. They may not be brave or ignorant enough to do so directly to the person but use it to make themselves look superior amongst their friends. Times and attitudes have moved on vastly but those thoughts still sit in the consciousness.

Like flying there is always an outside chance that something could go wrong. However the likelihood of being verbally or physically abused by a single person is tiny and far far less for a group of people to do. It's only once you fly free that you realise that the fears were unfounded and that people are nice and there's a whole world of interesting places and people waiting to be experienced.

[Teresa]

Kandi,
I totally agree with the number of friends increasing, I haven't lost any old ones but gained so many more .

Helen,
The fear of flying analogy is a good one because it's also an irrational fear , full of, " What ifs !"

I've become to dislike flying more, not because of the fear of flying but because of the ungodly hour we usually have to get up to hang around an airport for so many hours before departing. If my wife allowed me to checkout all the makeup, perfumes and clothes shops time would be too short , and so would my money , OK she has a point !

[Leslie Langford]

Much as I dislike the term "white male privilege" which is so much in vogue these days as it typically paints with strokes that are far too broad, I do see an element of this mindset at play here in the way some Forum members fret over the possibility of sticking out and being singled out for ridicule or discrimination when going out en femme and not "passing".

I say this based the fact that the vast majority of the members here appear to be white, predominantly middle-class, of largely Anglo-Saxon or Northern European ethnicity or ancestry, and live either in North America or one of the (former) British Commonwealth nations. A rather select and largely homogeneous group if ever there was one compared to the rest of the world, and which is not really being represented here.

I, too, like the "disabled" analogy, and would take it one step further by saying that we white, middle class folks are rather spoiled by the fact that we generally have never had to face the type of scrutiny, discrimination, suspicion, taunts, slurs and sometimes outright hostility (e.g. "racial profiling")...in other words, the types of micro-aggressions that for people of color or indigenous, Hispanic, or Asian origin are such daily occurrences that it is their "normal".

Yes, being transgender can sometimes be a b*tch for the way it complicates our lives and those of the loved ones whom we are out to, but being "read" and possibly snickered at by the "muggles" when we are out and about is nothing compared with the experiences members of other groups such as those whom I have described above often face. We have the option of being otherwise invisible within the mainstream by simply hiding our transgenderism from view and dressing in the clothing that is congruent with our birth sex. People who are so-called "visible minorities" don't have that luxury, and consequently have had to "grow a pair" in order to survive in this sometimes harsh world.

I "get" the fear felt by those who are concerned about attracting violence from homophobes or transphobes should they be read when out in public, and not wanting to expose themselves to that risk - although the odds of that happening are statistically rather remote. But as others here have confirmed (and you can add my own experiences to that), most people out there have a "live and let live" attitude towards non-conformists of all types and willingly relate to us in whatever manner in which we are presenting ourselves as well - even if not technically "passable".

As for those of us here who whine and agonize over the mere possibility of being embarrassed by an untoward look, comment, or other type of negative reaction, all I can say is count your blessings if that is your greatest worry, and stop being such a wuss.

[Jodie_Lynn]

"Irrational fears"...... While I support your statement Teresa, and pretty much agree with it, that phrase jarred me.

We live in what is becoming a more polarized world where people from al parts of the world are resorting to violence to settle their differences with "them", the imagined foes. Coupled with this is the sad fact that there are many ignorant & uneducated people who get most of their knowledge from their peers or their equally ignorant & prejudiced religious leaders.

Is a fear irrational, if the possibility of that fear coming to realization exists? Although I lack 100% faith in Wikipedia, here is a link:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_o...sgender_people

If I said that I was afraid being gored to death by a Unicorn, yes, you would be accurate in classifying that as an irrational fear. But what you (general pronoun) consider irrational, another may feel is a justified concern.

[Rogina B]

Lately I've been seeing posts along the lines of I won't go here, or I won't do this, or I will stay away from these type of people. Let me say I'm not knocking any one for trying to avoid what could turn out to be a dangerous situation, or even avoiding a situation the could become ugly. Everyone wants be safe, at least I hope they do.

What I don't understand is it seems that most of what I'm seeing is along the lines of "I don't want to be made fun of/embarrassed" or "I don't want to be not liked". How do you think someone born with a birth defect, or some type of injury caused by an accident, or someone who is just not "normal" for the area feels. Do you think that they let their life be run/controlled by others feelings? Do you think that they refuse to live their life because they are different. Sadly it seems to be human nature to make fun of/ridicule those that are different, but that's the way it is.

Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle since I am a transsexual woman and I live with this every day. Do I pass/blend? I don't know and honestly I don't care what others are thinking about me.

It isn't a big deal unless you make it one...People accept you when you never flinch..

[StephanieM]

What I've always feared the most, and this stems from my social anxiety even in man mode, was how people would react. I've run a couple of experiments of going out while fully dressed, and each time there were no riots, the music didn't stop playing when I walked through the door with everyone staring at me, in fact no one said anything directly to me or that I could even overhear. Ironically I've found the anxiety is actually slightly less when in femme mode.

However I simply do not have the courage to go out in while in "mixed mode". It has to be full mode either way, male or femme. I believe that comes from knowing that in male mode I am recognizable and in femme not so much.