What is it that you really are afraid of?

[Sometimes Steffi]

I say this based the fact that the vast majority of the members here appear to be white, predominantly middle-class, of largely Anglo-Saxon or Northern European ethnicity or ancestry, and live either in North America or one of the (former) British Commonwealth nations. A rather select and largely homogeneous group if ever there was one compared to the rest of the world, and which is not really being represented here.

I guess meeting 3 out of 4 is not bad, but . . .

My high school was a mix of about 25% Irish, 25% Italian, 25% Jewish and 25% WASP. In general, everyone got along pretty well most of the time, but when things went south, you could almost guarantee that ethnic prejudice would come out and it could be pretty mean. So, even within a seemingly homogenous group, varying ethnicities were still a prejudicial factor.

[Aunt Kelly]

Is a fear irrational, if the possibility of that fear coming to realization exists? Although I lack 100% faith in Wikipedia, here is a link:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_o...sgender_people

If I said that I was afraid being gored to death by a Unicorn, yes, you would be accurate in classifying that as an irrational fear. But what you (general pronoun) consider irrational, another may feel is a justified concern.

If we define a rational fear as one that has even the remotest chance of coming true, then yes. The fear of encountering a violent reaction to a MTF presentation is "rational". It has certainly happened, but to allow one's life to be so impacted by such a remote possibility is far from rational.

Again, I might be struck by lightning, but I don't let that very real possibility impact my life to an unreasonable degree. I don't golf in thunderstorms, but I'll pull up a chair just inside my open garage door and enjoy the hell out of watching a good one. I met get attacked by drunken, CD'er-hating hoodlums the next time I'm out en femme, but the odds of that actually happening are vanishingly small. On the other hand, the odds of being the object of gape-mouthed stares or cruel smirks, are a little better than even money, depending on where I am at the time, but the odds of receiving a friendly smile or even an unsolicited compliment, just for being out in public, are even better. Mind, I'm talking about the general public here. Strangers. Family, neighbors, co-workers, those are often another matter entirely.

[sometimes_miss]

It doesn't matter if a fear is rational or not. Remember, there are huge numbers of idiots out there that think preparing for the zombie apocolypse is a good idea, too. So rational thinking isn't all as common as we'd like to think.

Growing up with a facial deformity, I know what it is to be looked at as if I had horns growing out of my head. While not as bad as say, the elephant man, it was clear that there was something wrong with my face, to the point where most kids wanted nothing to do with me, and it was even considered by most to be bad luck to have me on their team whenever sides were chosen up for any type of competition. I also got the wonderful experience of having to comb my hair over one side of my face to cover it, and, when suddenly uncovered, watching people's face respond as if they just saw something disgusting.

So that's one thing I don't need to go through again.

Second, I know how many people, even educated ones, respond to those they consider sexual perverts, and that includes gays, us, TS, furries, S&M, B&D, enemaphiles, etc., not to mention that more than a few assume that we're all pedophiles. Child missing or molested? Oh look, there's a gay guy living next door, we saw him talking to our child a few times, so it must be HIM. We're all assumed to be gay, and we're the villian by default. Not to mention all the hate directed our way, as witness the fiasco involved when Caitlyn came out, and then the continuing hate directed our way with the bathroom bills still being pushed by many. Don't believe me? Texas is currently trying to pass legislation right now, so there are apparently plenty of people out there that hate us.

When I was a kid, I was molested; back when some of my so called friends were raising their primary school age kids, after finding out that I had been sexually abused, they, too, fell for the commonly held belief that if someone was molested, they they are likely to molest other children. Not true at all, but thanks to the newsmedia that promotes that logic fallacy, that too is widely believed. So gradually I found myself invited to fewer and fewer family functions, and carefully whenever alone with their kids. Eventually the invites stopped coming entirely, this, after knowing them for decades. Of course I know why; I listened to how they talked about others. And I took the chance that if they knew me, and that I was harmless, they would see the error of their viewpoint. Nope. When challenged, people usually hold onto their beliefs even more strongly. I would not make that mistake anymore.

So for those of you who wish to be front line warriors, and love to debate other people's beliefs, go ahead. I won't be the martyr. You do it. I know there are people out there who just love to argue with others. I'm not one of them.

[Becky Blue]

Paula good discussion topic. For whatever reason some people seem terrified of going out in public and being shamed. I guess the fear is real because people are feeling it. Speaking for myself, i have never been concerned about what people i don't know think about me. When going out I do not care one bit if someone thinks thats a guy in a dress. I have been lucky so far as I have yet to have a rude or negative comment but I will simply let them be unpleasant and try my best to ignore them. I always think to myself what is the worst that can happen? if that is to be out in an awkward situation because some narrow minded bigot feels threatened by me that is their problem.

Fear of fear is in many cases worse than the underlying fear, I feel that many people are scared of what can happen, without actually projecting forward how they would feel in the worst case scenario. Naturally some people have safety concerns too, of course that is a real fear, but that too can be dealt with by being careful where you go and with whom.

Fear of being recognised is probably my biggest concern and as a result of that I limit where I go out.

[Beverley Sims]

I along with many others worry about the insecurities of life, when we master this we start to lead a normal life.

[Ressie]

Most people say their biggest fear is public speaking. Public crossdressing is very much like public speaking IMO. Some don't have the fear and some get over it. This may sound contradictory to my last post, but I do agree that getting out there dressed will make most CDs feel freedom that they've never felt. I think public CDing borders on irrational fear and facing those kind of fears is important for growth.

However, a lot of this has to do with personality types. Those that are shy to begin with are gonna be apprehensive about public CDing. I think those personality types should be given a break. Thinking that others should think the same as you do is a mistake. Take into account that we are all unique.

[Helen 2]

As a regular (but infrequent, only when my wonderful, knowing but DADT wife is traveling) 'out and abouter', I'm not sure I would say 'I fear' anything except the 'pack of teenagers'.
It helps to live in a very tolerant, open-minded city, it helps that I usually dress for the occasion/plan and try not to obviously stand out, but face it: we're not GG's, and as best as we might pass, we will most definitely be clocked.

My best advise is 'if you are going to do it, do it right and wear it well', and by that I mean is be proud. Don't scurry about, head down, hunched over, or try to 'meek it out', but just act as a proud, lovely lady would. After all, isn't that what we are? Yes, we might be clocked sometimes. When I see 'that look', I will try to look at the person straight in the eye and smile -because we have a gift they don't have...

[Helen_Highwater]

We live in what is becoming a more polarized world where people from al parts of the world are resorting to violence to settle their differences with "them", the imagined foes. Coupled with this is the sad fact that there are many ignorant & uneducated people who get most of their knowledge from their peers or their equally ignorant & prejudiced religious leaders.

Jodie,
What you say is true but in truth how often do you actually encounter in your own life this type of behavior? All sorts of conflict exists in the world but day on day in my life it doesn't form part of my experiences.

Is a fear irrational, if the possibility of that fear coming to realization exists?

I used flying as an analogy as it is a possibility that you may be killed or injured while flying. Being prepared to drive to the airport and not be scared when in fact the chances of being in an accident are hugely greater than taking a flight is irrational.

If I said that I was afraid being gored to death by a Unicorn, yes, you would be accurate in classifying that as an irrational fear. But what you (general pronoun) consider irrational, another may feel is a justified concern.

I agree some may see it as it as a justified concern but that justification is often down to a lack of proper risk assessment. I've seen big men shudder and pull back at the sight of a tiny spider. The fear is real but also irrational and certainly not justified.

[sometimes_miss]

Jodie,What you say is true but in truth how often do you actually encounter in your own life this type of behavior? All sorts of conflict exists in the world but day on day in my life it doesn't form part of my experiences.

then

The fear is real but also irrational and certainly not justified.

So, since YOU never had a problem, fear of it isn't justified. Right. One person's experience. Got it.

[Paula DAngelo]

As the OP of this tread I have been watching it closely and at the same time refraining from commenting even when I felt like there was something I needed to say about a post. There are several reasons why I refrained from joining in before now. First, I'm not a crossdresser and my point of view is from a different perspective. Second, I didn't want to influence how people responded, I wanted people to respond how they felt and not how they thought I was hoping. Finally I wanted to try and summarize what I was seeing in the responses without having been seen to try and influence the discussion.

Now with all that said, and the tread running for a while I'm going to try and summarize what I'm seeing. What I've been able to pick up from the posts gives me good feelings, and at the same time saddens me.

First the good feelings. The number of people commenting that the reason they avoid certain areas or groups of people due to violence is vary small, which to me shows that even though there is the possibility of violence people are not letting it keep them from being themselves. Also there is a whole group of people that don't even have to worry about where they are or who is around because they have no desire or need to be out in public. I applaud this group as they are doing what makes them happy and not letting others push them into something that is what they want.

Then there is the group of people that say they fear something. There have been some people saying that the fears are irrational or unjustified, however whether the fear is irrational or unjustified isn't the point, the person still has the fear, so lets quit arguing the rationality or justification of the fear, it doesn't matter. Those that fear losing something, whether it be a SO, a job, their standing in the community, their families standing in the community I can understand that, those are things that you can lose based on how some outside party thinks or feels, so do what you think is best for you and your situation.

Now the part that saddens me. It seems that there is a large number that are saying they won't do something, go somewhere, go near certain groups because they don't want to be ridiculed or embarrassed. You don't want to be ridiculed, what happened to the old saying "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me"? To be embarrassed you need to feel that you're doing something wrong, whether it be immoral or illegal, "YOU" still need to feel that way what someone else feels or thinks doesn't really matter. Words only hurt if you let them, you can only be embarrassed if you let yourself. It saddens me to see that so many seem to be insecure of themselves or the other possibility and this saddens me even more is that there are a large number of us that actually are Transphobic.

Are we really our own worse enemy and by being so are we helping those that would like nothing more than to erase us from existence? I'm not saying run out and be a martyr, I just think we need to be proud of who we are and not let our lives be run/controlled by others, or we may very well be erased from existence. Hopefully I'm just seeing things wrong and my thoughts are totally off base, but sadly I fear not.


I almost forgot to those that said they fear spiders and/or snakes you got me, I guess I never did specify that I was referring to CD'ing. And by the way I have no fear of spiders or snakes, my fear is of the spider webs, so I understand irrational/unjustified fears. Talk about silly things to be afraid of, I think I take the cake there....lol.

[Tracii G]

I too am saddened by some that will not give themselves a chance.
Always make excuses as to why they cannot do something they so badly want to do.
Nobody wants to be ridiculed but at some point its going to happen and you need to be ready to accept and move on.

[TrishaTX]

I would always look to local events that feature Girls like us, that is th best way to start. If you go to those vents you will find acceptance and feel better about going out elsewhere. Each time I get more confidence. I do not worry about violence but of course I care a little about what people think. You just need to ignore anyone that is simple minded and not let it affect you.

[Rachael Leigh]

Paula D I really like your thoughts on this I was one that had to overcome the fear of what if I did see someone I knew and they recognize me, well I decided finally I would just be up front and tell them this is me or at least a part of me.
I think I knew when I decided to go to a counseling session as Rachael and it totally freed me to be me even if I still have
to manage when I go out and such. The counselor validated me saying that I see you are comfortable with this and it's ok
just be aware of those who are not namlly my wife and it's been a huge help to me
Now I go out and act and know I belong because I'm me a person of worth

[Diane Taylor]

I have been out since 1995 and go out publicly on a regular basis. Though somewhat apprehensive the first couple of times, I'm totally free of that "fear" and have been for 22 years. My feelings were that I do not want to stay in a closet nor limit myself to "GLBT friendly" places which in my opinion are only a bigger closet. The trans community is in a way its own worst enemy because we do not make ourselves visible to the general population. Familiarity breeds acceptance.................

[Amelie]

I lived in Baltimore for some years. While there maybe 5 or more trans girls were murdered. So the fear of death or violence was very real for me. Also I lived in parts of NYC that weren't so nice and have been the victim of physical attacks, including being raped.

As far as insults, I could care less what people said to me, sometimes I kinda liked hearing the insults, it made me feel noticed.

People have their own limits on what they want to do in life. Just be happy in whatever you want to do, stay home or go out, just be happy.

Nowadays I try my best to avoid people face to face. I kinda despise people and want no part of them. I live in a sort of solitude. The computer is cool, I can always turn it off.

[Jodie_Lynn]

And just for the record, while I still have concerns, and some trepidation, I have ventured out, fully en femme, 4 times in a month and a half.

My first trip out, full of excitement mixed with fear, I left my apartment, walk out the front door of the building and ran smack dab into my 20-something neighbor, her husband, and their two children. Nothing to do but give a nod & quick smile and stride to my car without a backward glance. Still haven't seen the angry mob, and the next weekend bumped into the husband while in guy mode. WWe talked for a few, and not a word was said.

That definitely boosted my confidence level!

[JeanTG]

My biggest fear? The wrath of my wife, if I get found out.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Jodie,
What you say is true but in truth how often do you actually encounter in your own life this type of behavior? All sorts of conflict exists in the world but day on day in my life it doesn't form part of my experiences.

Helen, I was a police officer with the NYPD for 10 years, I have seen the effects of random violence first hand. And a lot of it because of stupid trivial altercations. Just as an aside, I left the Job because we had a newborn daughter and my wife was worried about her being left fatherless due to some asshat with a gun. I took a nice safe office job....In the World Trade Center.

I am very happy to hear that violent acts & behaviors don't form part of your experience, may you never have to. But to tell someone that their fear of such a danger is unfounded, is a little condescending.

When I spoke of my fears, I didn't mean to imply that they were crippling, nor preventing me from doing what I choose; however, they are factors that I am cognizant of when I dress and go out. The same way I am aware of the dangers of driving - aware of them, alert for trouble, but still driving.

[Paigeturner71]

I've never been out so I can't possibly relate to what you've been through Amelie. I talk to people for a living and I must say I'm a bit of a misanthrope too. If I had been through what you've had I can't imagine how I would feel about people. But I will say this--I have not been exposed to a better group of people than are in this forum. If this is a glimpse of our future--these wonderful individuals here--then I believe better days are ahead. I wish you only good things and happy days Amelie. All of you...

[Periwinkle]

I live on the east side of Washington, where there's a lot of elderly people with old fashioned values. All the young people who wear what they want head off to the west side where nobody cares. But people notice stuff like that here, and since it's a small town, they talk about it and it spreads.

My friend tells me that I'm nearly unrecognizable when I'm all dressed up, so I feel confident enough to walk around town now. But I'm still extremely cautious about where I go and who I speak to. I work in the drive-thru of our only McDonalds and according to customers, my voice is very distinct. I'm afraid if I talk to the wrong person I could give myself away.

Mostly, my fear exists because I honestly don't know how the other residents of my hometown would react to my little hobby. I would rather save myself the stress of finding out and just keep it under wraps until I move to the west side where I won't have to care.

[MsKim2888]

lol.....me too. If my wife find out, I'm screwed...

[SDress22]

My fear is the judgement of my family, friends and SO. A good amount of them wouldn't necessarily understand this. I put that more on society in general than on them. I would almost undoubtably lose connections I have today. I know some may say that those connections would be worth losing if that's how they feel, but I disagree. It's not easy to properly educate everybody on a topic that is still very new and emerging.

[Krea]

Thankfully i don't have any fears of violent reprisals. My biggest concerns relating to my crossdressing would be my relatives finding out & my business customers finding out.

I live in a very old-fashioned rural area and i am currently self-employed in the neighbourhood. Most of my customers have very backward ideas on gender, sexuality etc. I have heard them rant about these subjects on occassions and i know many of them would stop employing me.
To be positive, this is comparitively easy to deal with. In a few months time i will be better qualified to find a steady job in one of the surrounding towns, then i won't need to care what the neighbours think.

My bigger concern is the attitude of my relatives/inlaws. They are also extremely old-fashioned & would likely disown me if they found out. My wife has been so supportive and i would not want to put her in a situation where she had to choose between me and her family. This is part not so easy to sort-out, so for now i remain out only to my wife and all of you here....

[Leslie Mary S]

I hear you Nic.
I too was living in that type of community but because of things that happened I had to move.
Good luck on your adventures.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

If it's the latter, why are you letting others control your life and keeping you from being yourself and being happy?

It's an excellent question Paula, but surely it applies to many, perhaps most behaviours. Fear of peer rejection is a powerful stimulus. Breaking free of that need for approval / fear of disapproval, is often the greatest challenge in life. Answer that, put it in a book, and you'll be rich.