Dazed and Confused

[Nikki A.]

I've been wondering where all this dressing is heading to. As a lifelong cross dresser I've always been happy being just that. I now wonder if this is the be all or am I ready to head further down this road.
I do dress up and head to church almost every week and lately it seems that I do want to dress more. I do keep my legs and chest shaved, toenails polished and clear coat on the fingers. It feesl that dressing femme is as natural to me as dressing in drab. Working on my skin so that it looks better. Even been thinking if hormones might be an option.
I guess my question is at what point does one go from being a CD to TG and how does one know if they've crossed the line. I really do feel that if I was 40 years younger and had the information and the resources that are available now, I might seriously be considering transitioning. At this point of my life with the responsibilities and career and family involved it is so much more of a difficult decision. I do have 3-5 years before I can retire, at that point some of the decisions will be easier if I can wait that long. I know some of us have been through this and I was wondering how you decided what was right or wrong.

[Diane Taylor]

You'll know in your heart what path you want to take............

[Lana Mae]

You will just know! A mystic revelation? You just know is all! Sounds weird but it is what it is! Hugs Lana Mae

[Dana44]

Nikki, I would say that you already know. But on a talk with my SO a couple weeks ago. She stated that men can be women and why do they need to transition as they are still men. Just live like a woman and enjoy it.

[Alice Torn]

One day at a time. maybe make a few lists of positives, and negatives, about going forward with more, and staying where you are.

[Teresa]

Nikki,
It could be you are slipping into your comfort zone, you've gone through the stage of wondering what people think, now it's no longer a problem, you have been accepted so you are looking for the next step ! Is there one ? I think there is , I believe Marcelle called it social transition, dressing full time can happen if you want it to , it's what many of us truly want, much of depending on the DADT situation .
If it feels comfortable and right then it must be right so why question it ?

[Sami Brown]

I would agree with Teresa. If you were transitioned already, you would be dressing full time anyway. I would think a trial run of dressing full time would be a good first step before deciding about transitioning. If you aren't ready to dress full time, then I would venture to say you aren't ready to transition either.

Good luck on making your decision! And remember, there is no timetable for making one.

Regards, Sami

[Nikki A.]

You've all given me some great feedback.
Theresa : You're right, I am in a comfort zone, I'm over wondering or caring what people think. Some may not approve and this I can't change, others have been supportive and accepting (at least to my face) that I appreciate. You and Sami mention dressing full time as a test. I have thought of that and there is the rub once you do that it is out there, then it is hard going back, besides I'd wish to look a bit more fem (weigh and look) to be a little more passable. Working on that.
When I can retire the career implication is gone and I can even make a fresh start somewhere else. Maybe I can gradually spend more time as Nikki and slowly hit that full time or close to it.

[Pat]

I guess my question is at what point does one go from being a CD to TG and how does one know if they've crossed the line.

We can't tell you, but your heart will. If you're dressing and going out and finding that to be a good thing, then I'd say you're already TG -- perhaps you mean TS? (Yes, I'm one of those label people...) It's worth learning more about the alternatives because one of them may fit you better. Maybe it's worth setting up some time with a transgender therapist just to explore a bit?

[Danitgirl1]

What is the difference between a crossdresser and a transexual?

About six months!
JOKE

Seriously, fwiw I think ALL crossdressers are TG. Being TG means having a gender identity that is in some way different from the sex you were assigned at birth. Even the person who puts on a frilly g string once every 6 months is doing something to express a gender identity that is in some small way different to their assigned sex.
It need not be a desire for permanent change, it need not be the full monty of gender expression, some is enough...

Having said that these labels are irrelevant all that matters is that you are happy being you and are able to be the authentic you... do that. Worry less about what others call you.

[Becky Blue]

In my case it was a very sudden overnight change from 'dressing occasionally would be fun' - to 'I need to do this' .But I think I am in a small minority, for most people it seems to be like the frog in the heating water. In reality it does not really matter what label you give yourself as long as you can find a happy spot.

[Suzanne F]

So I made that fateful decision you now face. I don't comment here very often now. It seems like yesterday that I was talking about my first ever outing as a woman. I think what is important here is how do feel when interacting with people. Once I found myself being reflected back as a woman there was no going back. I treasure that I am finally able to be with family, friends and the world as an authentic person with nothing to hide. Bad Tranny once taught me it wasn't the clothes it was about who I was. Who you are is what matters!
Suzanne

[jennifer0918]

From reading your thread I feel the same way,if only I knew what I know now about CDing, and being transgender I would have transitioned at a very young age. At this point in my life too much on my plate, and retirement is 15 years away. I'm going to let time tell,right now I only dress once a month, though I wish I could dress more often I pack it for the summer and in the fall do my femme self. I wish I could be more help .
Good luck, follow your heart.

[Kate Simmons]

As we previously discussed Nikki I'm in my comfort zone now the way things are. I've accepted and taken ownership of all of my feelings and can present either way and be myself either way. I used to feel I wanted to have a sex change (as they called it back then) when I got out of the Army back in the early 1970's but then I met my future wife and decided to give the "guy" thing a shot. As we all know wanting to dress does not fade even being married, and that was a secondary priority most of my married life, seizing every opportunity to dress on the sly. Now I look at being my femme self as a "nice to have" but not necessary as my GF understands me and my feelings.At this point I see the dressing mostly as an art form and have fun with it, dancing and the like. That's not to say if the situation changed I would not be open to living en femme 24/7 or even the possibility of transitioning. I just feel confident in being myself no matter how I choose to present.

[GretchenM]

Hi Nikki,

I very much agree with others that you will find your comfort zone and perhaps where you are is it. It may change or it may not. The fact that you are as comfortable in fem as you are in drab (or the other way around if you prefer) may indicate a comfortable position. If going deeper into the fem produces discomfort then you know that isn't a proper direction, at least right now. As a gender therapist I was seeing once said, "You don't have to do this." There is no set path we all follow; there is just our own path. Labels are not important except for communication purposes. The labels make it look like the different types have discreet boundaries. No boundaries are there. We just move around between variously blended states of identity. There really isn't a right or wrong - there is just comfortable or uncomfortable and to various degrees.

Gretchen

[Nikki A.]

Thanks for the wonderful responses, at least I know I'm not alone in my feelings. In the past I was only comfortable being dressed around women, around men I was much more uncomfortable. I really got more into a "comfort" zone once I finally started just being Nikki in more normal surroundings and looking forward to being in the "real world".
Funny thing is I feel that I never did feel right in LGBT groups or gatherings, I felt more alone there. The gays really have no use for me (and me them), the lesbians felt I was a threat to them and many of the TS members were judgmental in that I wasn't looking to transition full time.
I've been lucky that I found a church that is predominantly straight but accepting of me. Maybe they may not understand what makes me tick but they make me feel welcomed. No questioned asked, but if someone does, I don't have a problem trying to explain what is going on in my head. I do attend sometimes as my male self but most times as Nikki and they seem to be ok with that.
Maybe I'm psychoanalyzing myself and you all are my therapists,and maybe some of you will use this post to open your minds to what is possible. Hopefully we all gain, I know I have. Thanks

[GretchenM]

Nikki,

I know what you mean by feeling uncomfortable in some LGBT groups. I have experienced the same thing. Gays are usually not a problem. But the TS's can be terribly judgemental. "If you are not transitioning then you are living a lie," seems to be a common theme. Lesbians can be downright mean. Thankfully not all are that way, but it is fairly common. There is a local non-binary support group here I have heard about. Never been, but you might do some searching as I bet there is such a group in NE Pa. I think you might feel more welcome there. Great that you found a church that is accepting. But some of us need contact with others that are like us. I really don't like this clanish behavior that people often engage in as it can get pretty discriminating, but I guess it is only natural. Humans tend to be rather territorial in some ways. But it is so refreshing when you find a group that is not that way and we can just share without judgement.

Gretchen

[Teresa]

Nikki,
I can understand your slight hang up over a slight weight problem , if you dress well enough you can live with that, try not to make it an excuse, if you are in a comfort zone it shouldn't stop you, and forget passable, if you go out with confidence then that feeling will just fade away .
The whole question of passing wants dealing with , I feel it should be a sticky. Many CDers in the closet stay in the closet because they worry about passing, think about it for a moment who or what do you pass as ? Who can set an indescribable benchmark ,if you have clothes that suit , hair that really works with your face shape and colour and a level of makeup that covers most male signs then you will be good enough as a convincing woman but passing is an impossible utopia.

[Tracii G]

I too felt a little off at my trans group just starting out because I had no idea what I was or what made me do what I do.
At least there it didn't matter I was free to be me.
I haven't been to a meeting an maybe a year because they meet on Saturday nights and that conflicts with other stuff going on in my life.
Your dressing doesn't have to lead anywhere you don't want it to go.
Weight is not a big thing either women come in all sizes just dress in clothes that fit.
I have had times where I was very overweight and it never stopped me form dressing enfemme. I have gotten chubby again and its a non issue I just wear what I like that fits me properly.
In fact I get more attention from guys being a bit heavier these days which is fine with me.

[kimdl93]

If you think about it, you have probably always been TG. CDing is really a description of behavior: wearing the clothing of the "other" gender. TG can encompass those who do CD for a variety of reasons. the fact that you go to church en femme suggests to me that you really do prefer presenting as a woman. And if that's the case, you've already decided its quite right for you.

[Nikki A.]

If you think about it, you have probably always been TG. CDing is really a description of behavior: wearing the clothing of the "other" gender. TG can encompass those who do CD for a variety of reasons. the fact that you go to church en femme suggests to me that you really do prefer presenting as a woman. And if that's the case, you've already decided its quite right for you.

A very interesting point