Been a closet CD too long?

[Pat]

My only regret is I waited too long.

Me too. I tell myself I wish I had been able to come out as a teen or in my 20's. But then I stop and think about what society was like at those times and I think maybe I waited the perfect amount of time -- to when both society and I were ready for it. Ours are the sad stories of people at the time when the culture was changing. I hope that future generations will never understand why we waited so long.

NEVER PURGE!
If you have to get stuff out of the way, rent a storage unit.

As a practical matter, having rented a few storage units in my time (for reasons unrelated to gender,) I'd have to say even six month's storage equates to a pretty penny -- I think if it came down to that choice, you're better off putting the money aside to buy a new wardrobe.

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Joanne, In so many ways I am just like you... I follow your quest with great interest. I am also a complete closet CDer. My fears outweigh my desires at this time, I know at some point I have to come out if none other than I love to my SO, and I owe her that much. My biggest fear? The harm that I may do to her if she finds out without me telling her. I am not going to purge, but I have to downsize, I honestly think I have more women's clothes than she does. Keep us up to date, I will follow with interest and best possible wishes for you. Sincerely, Brenda

[Leslie Mary S]

I am about to the point were I am going to have to move a load to my rental storage building. I will have to sort them into lots by seasons. Can't see keeping the winter attire close at hand. "Close at hand" is a joke. I have 3' of hang-up storage, 2" for foot wear in the closet, and presently 7 47 litter (50 qt) totes that get fold-ables and shoes. A make up case with wheels. (I carry 4 of my wigs and forms + bras in the bottom when I go some where.) also a large simi-ridge suitcase. All in my bedroom/closet of 9' x 11" (99 Sq feet) with a desk, chair, bed, Tele, computer with second monitor and printer, book shelves on three walls, and gun case. Also in my room are 3 of the totes for my male attire and 4' in the closet. (completed art work is also in the closet). Camera gear, tool kit, art supplies with tripod are also in this closet/bedroom.

[Aunt Kelly]

Hi Joanne.
First of all, let me say that I know how you feel. Not being able to tell is a strain, not a big one, for most of us, but the fact that it never goes away seems to accumulate it's force. Second of all, the usual cautions about taking such a big step, thinking about it first, then thinking some more, unringing a bell, and all that. You might not be happy with the results. Consider all the possible reactions from those who matter.
Lastly, just know that no matter what you decide, you have our support. Good luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[Rachel05]

I have not quite shown myself to the world yet, but I have chosen a selective audience and I have to say the freedom of not having to hide my things, things that are very important to me, is a fantastic feeling

I have for a good while now had my own femme lingerie drawers and my dresses hang in the wardrobe, plus I don't have to wait for that special occasion to dress

I worried for so many years and yes, there was the awkward conversation and the inevitable are you gay stuff, but it was short lived and made the world of difference to me

We are all different, but I do not regret the selective audience one bit

[Stephanie Julianna]

I never regreted it and have been a better and happier person for the oppurtunity to dress when I could over the past decades. The best part of dressing and going out and about while expressing my feminine side is when it is a "none event" with the general public not giving me a second look. Shopping freely in the women's department and going through the racks without anyone judging you is just so exhilerating. I hope you get to have those feelings when you make the leap.

[Teresa]

Joanne,
Being the same age and coming out 18 months ago I have no regrets at all, life gets better , take the opportunity to do it , you never know how long the window is open to you .

I have more friends now and enjoy meeting others in my social group, it brings meaning to shopping for outfits.

I have to admit I'm in a DADT situation but have to work round my wife's views, I'm not going to change now she's beginning to realise this, I can't say for certain where our future lies but I'm making the most of being out while I can, the only regret I would have is not doing it !

To answer a couple of points, a while ago I asked about coming out or not the figure who answered being out or wanting to be was 65%, out of the total number only six said they were totally happy in the closet .

The other point about my family knowing, as others have said being out to them is different to being seen by them .I have shown my pictures to so many I can't remember who they all are , but it is a good in between way of testing the water.
Most recently I stayed over at the hotel and dressed for breakfast , the dining room was full, I didn't have a single problem. We recently visited a college to help with the LGBT pride week, being dressed most of the day and meeting a wide range of people was great, of course you are going to get looks and some smiles but that's it.

[CynthiaD]

I've been out to most for quite a while. No regrets. In fact, there are times when I absolutely must get out of the house en femme. I love interacting with other people as a woman. It gives me a feeling of completeness that I could never have staying home.

[Kandi Robbins]

Regret it? Absolutely not.

Is it how I imagined it would be? Absolutely not. It's so much better! I've done things I never could have ever imagined and done them hundreds of times.

If you are smart about it, you can make it work under whatever your circumstances may be. I too was 100% male in appearance, a lifelong mustache out of the 70's, nice belly, hair from head to toe. Now, while I never "pass", I do pretty well for myself.

[phili]

Think like a good negotiator and expand the discussion [with yourself]. Just by the name of this post, you can start with the fact that you have been in the closet too long. But details are everything, and a lot can be discovered by expanding the words and connecting to lots of related words. Closet= isolation. It also means private space to enjoy. My guess is that the sense of isolation is hurting too much now. I once felt that my only options were cringing in the closet or telling everyone I wanted to wear frilly dresses all the time. That kind of reduced option choice results when we don't negotiate well with the inner critics and nameless cultural authority figures.

Now that I am out quite a bit the situation looks completely different. Once I put myself out there I found that people were ok with me deciding how to present myself, and for the messaging it does. But then I had to be responsible for my look now that it wasn't just an escape fantasy moment. Today , a year in, wearing a dress is much more of a practical issue rather than a desperate psychological release. I'm feeling the burdens GGs feel when I don't really want to spend a lot of time grooming for a conforming look, but I do want to wear a skirt because it is cool and light.

I'm realizing that for women just wearing a dress brings more focus to gender identity and cultural expectations than we might want, and now I understand why I am the only one wearing a dress on the subway or city street! I am wanting to bring focus to it! But once I feel that is not an issue anymore, the choice of how to dress becomes much more mundane. I'm now looking for parties to go to just to dress up! Anyone heard GGs say that? I get it fully now.

I am sure if you go out you will find what we all have found- general acceptance. No catastrophic results. The role of crossdressing in intimate relationships is different and a different subject, but both are part of the feeling of being in the closet.They have to be dealt with differently. With your wife, you have to work on emotional identity more than choice of clothes, and SOs rightfully don't want clothing to be more important than them. Just as we would not want our SOs to be obsessed with their clothing and not present with us.

Accumulating clothes for me is a way to have little touchstones for different kinds of feelings associated with different looks. Thank goodness for thrift stores! But it does get a little ridiculous to have clothes I will never wear- so I am starting a controlled purge of things that I can say mean X or Y to me, but I will not have any occasion to wear. I have to make sure that I feel like I am outgrowing it, rather than putting it away prematurely.

[Alyssa Lane]

YA I know this feeling, I want to say, but I do not want the negative judgment. I already get enough, for some reason everone else always have the need to tell me to " cut your hair" or ask are you just letting it grow out, how long before you cut it? Friends, family and co workers. I just get it from all sides.
My reply is why?, why are you telling me what to do. I didn't ask for your input.
Ugh.
That is what I guess will happen if I tell anyone other then my SO.
She understands but not really much approving, if she notices, she will just say " do you really need to do that?"
Or hopefully you didn't go out today like that.

Although I get some people, like a few close lady friends of ours, they are always like I wish I had your hair and end up loving to touch it for some reason. Others asked if I had straightened it, I just say I had washed it. It gets curly and frizzy the longer I go.

[Paula Michelle 77]

I have kept my secret for well over 2 decades. I'm honestly not sure how I started dressing? I am the youngest of 6 boys so all I had to play with as a kid (as far as clothes) was mom's old slips and a couple pairs of heels. I turned 40 this year and my wife of 14 years still doesn't know, I'm not sure I'll ever tell her now because we have 4 children and just the thought of losing them or my wife is something I don't want to even think about, although, somehow I think she might be supportive but I would never dress around my kids, not so much of the fact that my kids would not accept it when they're old enough to understand (my oldest is 13) but if their friends were to find out! Kids can be very mean without even trying to be, I know how I was at a young age teasing people for reasons I do not remember but I don't want to put them through that. So I guess where I'm going with this is completely off topic but I've never told a sole about what I do! No one! This is the first time to tell anyone, period! As I said before I only had a few of mom's things to play with, when I was around 21 I had a job traveling doing weekend shutdowns at various plants all across the US. So sometimes I'd take a midnight trip to Walmart and brows the women's section for little skirts (Walmart where I live hardly carries cute mini skirts anymore) anyway, I'd look at skirts, panties, heels ect. I'm here to tell you, walmarts heel selection sucks! I like the stuff target has more as far as shoes anyway. But I'd be so embarrassed buying a mini skirt, panties, stocking and heels that I'd almost get to the point where I couldn't breathe just standing in line to check out with this stuff lol and when I'd check out I could tell the cashier wanted to ask but said nothing lol, I couldn't wait to get back to my motel room to try the stuff on away from anyone I worked with that might see me, I'd never live that down! Just one of the perks of working with and around manly men! All in all it turned out OK and as of today have never been caught, almost a time or two because of those finicky buckles on ankle strap shoes but luckily I got out of them in the nick of time before my wife walked in the door. To make a very long story short, I'll probably die with my secret which is OK with me because everyone has something no one knows

[LeannS]

Paula
welcome to the forum.
It does get easier shopping trust me. just go in and do it like you own it and you do !!
and thanks for your insight it helps others and myself

leann

[Mollyanne]

I too am a closeted CD(well almost closeted). Like you, I have presented as a male for over 60 years and to be honest I'm actually getting tired of living this way. My wife knows about my cd'ing and is NOT a "Happy Camper" about it. She loves me and we have had many conversations about how I feel. why I dress, what do I want to accomplish and everything else about presenting as a woman. We are going to a therapist for my issues and she fully understands that this is part of me and it will NEVER go away. We have come to a compromise however, I will dress when she is sleeping or out of the house which gives me ample time to indulge my needs. YES, I have gone out dressed (without her knowledge) and want to continue to do so but I have to exercise some restraint. What we go through isn't easy, just hang in there.

Mollyanne

[Lacey New]

I have been in the closet for my entire life. Yes, there are some sales associates who have met a polit gentleman who has come in, found a dress and, tried it on and paid anonymously with cash. And there are several who have suspected. But aside from my friends here who only know me through a pseudonym, I remain completely in the closet. Quite frankly, I intend to keep it that way. It is simply an analysis if risk versus reward for me. I see no reward in becoming a public oddity ( despite Caitlyn, yes, we are still that) to the embarrassment of family and friends. For those who have had the courage to come out of the closet, I salute you. You are the icebreakers. On the other hand, I am content to enjoy my time en femme to myself.

[Shelly Lynn]

I have been in the closet for over 50 years my current wife knows and over the years I have had a few other crossdressing friends I could be honest with, but they are also in the closet and most never tell their wives. So it has been kind of lonely not being able to share crossdressing with a friend just to talk about feelings and girly thing like makeup, wigs, shaving and so on. This why I enjoy this forum so much it allows me to share my feelings with other girls like myself.
I could never share my crossdressing with my family the just would not understand.
Thank you so much for all you girls being here.
Love Shelly

[joanne51]

Having been the 'nearly man' all my life (never quite making it in a number of pursuits - career, sports, life!)
Going all the way as a CD, almost seems like the one thing I can achieve.
Admittedly it would take an almighty amount of courage (or stupidity) to carry it off.
I have not overlooked the need to avoid hurting the ones I love, which makes it doubly hard.

[ginapoodle]

joanne,

Deep and realistic questions you ask. Asking the right questions is always a start towards personal growth. For me, I had to go into a deep self examination process, particularly from a Spiritual perspective. I have achieved greater self understanding the past six months or so. I have a long way to go, including reopening honest and loving discussion with my wife. I will have the right words at the right time.

Reality versus fantasy is important to discern. Actual transformation for me has been life changing. I have learned I am gender fluid, classic non-binary: deep need to express both as full blown male, and....female to balance and be whole and complete and happy. I have shared myself with several close friends recently and only received love and support. My wife remains to be seen: I came out to her a decade ago and it was a roller coaster that finally ran out of steam, priority and focus due to a cascade of other life events.

Be patient and loving with yourself. Avoid perfectionism.

[Gennifer in LA]

Though I haven't taken much steps to expand my dressing since my wife discovered my CDing, I do feel such less of a burden and guilt that comes with keeping it a secret from everyone. Good luck with your decision