Wife said "NO MORE DRESSING"

[Angie G]

Not having your stash won't keep you from wanting to dress. Your stash doesn't call to you and say here I an come and put me on. It you and will always be you she needs to understand this. she need a lot more info on cross-dressing.
Angie

[Laurana]

I'm just curious as to why everyone seems to think it's the wife that has to change. Supposedly she's done "research" and come to the conclusion that she doesn't want anything to do with it. That's her right. She doesn't have to be a part of what "Judy" is doing.

She's already(supposedly) pissed off because of the lies being told to her. She feels betrayed and hurt.

So why isn't she allowed to say "Stop or I'm out"?

In her mind(supposedly) this is not the man she married. She was not given the chance to decide for herself beforehand whether she wants to be part of this. She feels forced into it now.

I know for sure I wouldn't like it.

[Helen_Highwater]

Isn't there a strange paradox in these situations. She loves the man she married but in finding out that person CD's seeks to change that person to in effect become an unknown quantity that she may not have married because of having a different personality.

Your SO did her research, time for you to do yours and find, as others have said, a properly qualified gender therapist. There then becomes an element of risk in that you use therapy as a form of binding arbitration. You attend on the basis that she does as well and accepts the outcome of the discussions. The fact that the therapist may start exploring her hostility to your dressing may not be well received and cause an hardening of her position. She may also recognise that her reactions have been unreasonable and unfounded and soften her position.

This is a cat out of the bag. I could see myself not dressing for extended periods but it would be something that would always be with me and sooner or later an opportunity would present itself and I would take it. As others have said, if I didn't have my own clothes then I'd be raiding her wardrobe and that's something I chose to give up a long time ago.

[Stephanie47]

I'm with "the spousal abuse" corner when it comes to Judy. I believe I posted my opinion before that Judy should just plain ask her wife what her ultimate reaction will be. I'm in a true DADT marriage. I do not display anything that would suggest I'm a cross dresser. I have not done any body modifications. I do not grow my nails out. I do not shave my body hair which is sparse to begin with..lucky me. My clothes are stored away. My wife says nothing. On occasion I have left out a pair of panties or a bra, which she may find, fold and place on top of the dryer. No barbs or condescending remarks are made.

I cannot understand living in such a contentious marriage. Maybe Judy does need help. Help in how to present all these issues to her wife. Or the help of a lawyer. I think I'd jump off a bridge if my wife constantly badgered me about anything. I cannot envision retirement years living with such spousal abuse. I would also consider it spousal abuse for a cross dresser to openly display his interests when a wife truly finds it offensive. My wife told me decades ago she does not appreciate my interest in wearing women's clothing, but, also suggested I join a support group if I needed one.

[Krea]

Hi Judy,
Sorry to read that things are still difficult for you. I don't think your dressing urges will ever really go away, so i hope that with help you can find a compromise which will improve the situation.

Ok, your wife does not like your dressing, but to tell you that you can't do it at all is not showing any attempt on her part to compromise. It shouldn't be unreasonable for you to have some "Judy time", out of her sight, as long as it doesn't take over everything else.

Don't purge the rest of your stash! You will only regret it eventually.

Best wishes for progress,
Nic

[Sandy Storm]

Hey Judy,

Everybody here has given you great advice, and like everybody has stayed it make sure you find you a marriage counselor that deals with gender or sexuality type of relationship issues https://ncsfreedom.org/key-programs/...ssionals-59776. Me and my wife had to find a counselor years ago for other issues but by being swingers standard counselors would not work for us We found that website that helped us find one locally and she is the reason why my marriage works and is so great .. and also remember your first counselor you meet might not be the right fit for you and your spouse don't get discouraged if it takes a couple counselors do you find the right one that fits y'all

Good luck hon

[Kelly DeWinter]

Sandy;

I not sure sending the OP spouse to a web site that starts out with "Kink Awareness" is going to help. The main issue with most the over 30 generation is that relationships are seen as strictly Male/Female. Anyone over 30 has been brought up in a social culture that sees anything else as an aberration of the norm. It's OK to break norms in business and in sports but not the social status.

[Sandy Storm]

Sandy;

I not sure sending the OP spouse to a web site that starts out with "Kink Awareness" is going to help. The main issue with most the over 30 generation is that relationships are seen as strictly Male/Female. Anyone over 30 has been brought up in a social culture that sees anything else as an aberration of the norm. It's OK to break norms in business and in sports but not the social status.

Kellie, you are correct, I didn't make myself clear, they have a list of counselors that are are trained counselors for clients like us and can maybe help unlike a traditional Christian style counselor ...sorry for not making it clear thanks👰🏻

[Teresa]

Rhonda,
I was very much in Judy's situation, I still went ahead with counselling, without that backup I wouldn't have progressed to where I am now. OK it did nearly bring about a separation but then the real talking started and we came to a compromise.

To me Judy doesn't have a choice, her wife isn't going to accept it from her so where else does she turn ?

Laurana,
Judy isn't being given any latitude at all, her wife doesn't understand CDing or it's needs , there are two people in the partnership and Judy isn't equal she's being made an underdog. Judy like many of us is being forced into a deceitful and dishonest situation because she can't explain the facts and needs . Her wife is treating it like a habit you can kick not something that is locked in Judy's brain which will never go away .

[Joni T]

Maybe you should have been up front with her 35 years ago. Sure she's upset-you've been lying to her for 35 years by keeping a secret. She probably wonders what else you're keeping from her, and rightfully so. Sounds to me like you have a choice to make--keeping the marriage in tact or keeping your dressing in check. I'd choose number 1 at all costs but that's me. You have some homework to do and a couple of rough decisions. There is no third answer to your situation-sorry.
Jon

[Rachelakld]

Maybe if you explain you need a distraction, like a morgage your house to buy a 1/2 built boat that you can rebuild, maybe take up gambling, drinking until your always drunk is also a distraction.
For me, giving up CDing would make me stressed, then grumpy (ask my wife or kids), then I become nasty which will break any relationship - so I CD instead of all those bad things.

If she has ben reading all the bad stuff (my ex is now adiment on the "Flat Earth" because that's what she read up on), maybe my web site would be more appropriate?

[Fiona123]

Judy we are similar ages. I should have told my wife at the beginning. In my own defense I did not realize what it means to be transgender until a few years ago. I did come out to my spouse eventually. We have an uneasy dadt truce right now. If she presented me with an ultimatum I would move out. That's frightening to contemplate but I know I will never stop dressing.

[Lisa85]

Now, I don't think it's just about dressing. There are more winds blowing in your relationship. Be cautious if go to counseling. a few are good, most are ok and a lot harm more than they help. Get referrals and check up with them.

[phili]

Show her this article
http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm
It explains the secretiveness and the origin of the needs- it helps to take things out of shameful sexual secret and into wow- I didn't know about this.

[jennifer0918]

Dear SO,
When life hands you lemons,learn to make lemonade.

A tree that grows crooked, will never grow straight.

Like with crossdressing we can not stop, it's not like catching a cold,take 2 of these and call me in the morning. Or chicken soup will not cure us. What is the alternative if you dress?what is the bad outcome? What is bad for her? In bungee jumping, the hardest part is letting go.

[Judy-Somthing]

Well my son has moved back for the summer so even if I wanted to sneak it would be hard to find a time to do it.

My wife doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants it gone.
She also said cross-dressing is a choice, it's not something your born with!

[StephanieJ]

Hi Judy,

As usual Kristyn is right on the money... TALK TO HER ABOUT IT!

I love the idea of therapy, but be wary of any therapist who wants to "cure" you, also known as repatriate therapy. It's considered unethical and is actually illegal in many states. Having said that, you owe your wife the courtesy of complete honesty!!! I would probably suggest a cooling off period where no decisions are made until you have a thorough discussion about what this part of you means to you both. Preferably under the guidance of a good counselor. Many a spouse has said they "can't" be part of it only to eventually realize that you are still the person she fell in love with. To make it work, you'll both probably have to give some things up, but isn't that what marriage is all about?

Last of all, you mention dressing as being a "temptation" but depending on where you fall on the gender spectrum it may be much more than that. Being transgender is not something you are "tempted" to do. This is something very different, this is part of who you are! Unlike a temptation to take drugs or have illicit sex (something you want to DO), this is an inseparable part of who you ARE. You can pretend it doesn't exist for as long as you want but eventually there will be a coming out and sometimes the hardest person to come out to is yourself.

Blessings to you and your wife as you navigate this difficult period.
Steph James

[Tina_gm]

I'm going to forgo all of the usual you are what you are stuff. It's really not a matter of who you are, well it is internally, but for you Judy, what can YOU or can YOU not do??? What means more, which is harder in the end to live without, CAN you live without?

You've been sneaking it for how many years? This is where I think sometimes people on these boards can push others into situations, not by bad intentions, but of the belief we should be out and proud.

That isn't always going to work after more than 3 decades of concealment. In fact it rarely works after so long. The fact that you've been married for that long means your wife was brought up to believe that it is of vCard the worst abomination, perversion, mental illness etc etc etc.

And she wrongly believes it's all a choice, or is your wife actually wrong?

When we shut down, though we wish not to, we are in a way proving her to be correct. You did choose and have for months now not to dress, so it's not NEEDED like say air, or water. It's not about can we live without it, can we choose not to dress. You've already proven to her you can choose not to. You just can't choose to not to want to.

Where am I going with this? Be your own guide of what you want to do. How hard have the last few months been? How do you see the next however long with your son now living with you?

NOTHING is a wrong answer. Laying it down and saying to your wife I'm not going to quit, you don't have to have any part of it whatsoever, and if that's unnaceptable still, then buh-bye.

Or, just truly just end all the dressing for good and live the rest of your days with her. Most here would say that's wrong, but I don't feel that way. It's all about what's right or wrong for you.

Your wife DOES have the right to not be with a crossdresser. If it's her deal breaker, and she has her rights as to what her deal breaker is just as you do, then so be it.

As for many of us, and we've beat the horse to death as to why, our urges and perhaps needs to CD often increase as we get older (think Caitlyn) who was,able to at one point in her life live as a buffed out Olympic champion, but then could no longer live as a man at all.... And she's now divorced. She needed transition more then her marriage. Some of us do need this , some don't.

Just do whatever is right FOR YOU.

[Tracii G]

For better or worse in sickness and in health I guess doesn't mean anything to her.
To me she is violating their marriage agreement.
It would be like Judy's wife getting horrible acne or going bald and Judy saying mean things or I don't love you because of your acne.
She is a mean spiteful unwavering woman that wants it her way and her husbands need and wants don't mean squat.
Freaking sad really and if it were me I would have filed papers long ago.

[Rogina B]

I am with Tracii. Until you choose,she has no idea of the strength of the draw toward your feminine side.

[jessica33]

[QUOTE=Judy-Somthing;4108481]Well my son has moved back for the summer so even if I wanted to sneak it would be hard to find a time to do it.

My wife doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants it gone.
She also said cross-dressing is a choice, it's not something your born with![/QUOT
Cross-dressing is a choice ? who in the right mind would do this when society looked down on this type of behaviour . You get dirty looks , people think you are gay or worst , sometimes get humiliated in the public . It is not by choice . Its in our gens and there is nothing we can do about it .

[Rogina B]

[QUOTE
Cross-dressing is a choice ? who in the right mind would do this when society looked down on this type of behaviour . You get dirty looks , people think you are gay or worst , sometimes get humiliated in the public . It is not by choice .[/QUOTE]

I think you are mixing up "cross dresser" and "transgender person". A transgender person has a need for gender expression no matter what the outcome. And,if you are worried about how a person is perceived you can rest assured that most of the time all is well.

[BrendaPDX]

Yikes, don't make agreements you you can't keep. Trust is a very hard thing to win back. Yes, keeping half of your stash is a temptation and breaking your agreement. Like the others, seek professional help first, and show her this site. For what it's worth from a closet crossdresser. Brenda

[Amy Fakley]

My wife doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants it gone.
She also said cross-dressing is a choice, it's not something your born with!

Well, then case closed! All these years, and I never realized all I had to do was to choose not to be this way. My god, how could I have missed such an obvious solution! Truly this woman is a genius!



35 years of marriage is an enormous commitment on both your parts. Y'all are sitting on top of a landmine. You know as well as I do that this isn't going away, and that this situation where you try to drown it all in shame and suppress everything, and just pretend to be the person she thought you were all along is not maintainable long term.

This will wear on you, it will wear your realtionship down. You will resent it. She will resent it, and it'll blow up right on time like ol' faithful.

Seek professional couples counseling that can be viewed as neutral territory for the both of you. The counselor should know about trans issues, but not necessarily be a gender counselor. Nor should the counselor be a pastor.

[Aunt Kelly]

Well my son has moved back for the summer so even if I wanted to sneak it would be hard to find a time to do it.

My wife doesn't want to talk about it, she just wants it gone.
She also said cross-dressing is a choice, it's not something your born with!

And of course, she is wrong. We all know this. If she is so inclined, she could learn how wrong she is. You know far better than anyone, Judy, if she is so inclined. If you don't, find out. Your relationship is worth that much, at least. If she is willing to learn and accept the truth about your TG nature, there is hope. You may not end up in an ideal situation, but there are lots of stories here where some reasonable accomodation is made between partners once they understand the issues.

Good luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie