I probably don't have nearly as many clothes, shoes, makeup and things that goes along with CDing as other members of the forum but for me it's a lot. I think I have about a dozen pairs of heels and maybe 8 or 10 pairs of sandals. I have a couple dozen undies and maybe... i don't know, maybe a dozen outfits?... maybe. I've also bought corsets, breast forms, about 10 or 12 sports bras, foam for hip pads, a little bit of jewelry here and there and the makeup. Wow!.. have I bought a lot of makeup.

So all this crap of mine is stuffed and hidden in the trunk of my car, under the seats, in the glove box along with another big container of stuff in the attic of my house. Ugh... if I ever got into an accident I would be mortified. Such is the life of a closeted CDer.

Anyway, my wife was going to be gone for a few hours on Saturday morning so I pulled everything from my car and started fishing through it all with the idea that I really need to get rid of some stuff and a lot of it.

When I spread it all out it kinda made me sick. I mean I've spent a lot of money on things in the past couple of years. And even though it's all been purchased at thrift stores, it still adds up. Honestly, it's one of the things that is a huge source of guilt when it comes to CDing. I mean why???? I've spent so much money and for what? I don't go out. I've been out in public (if you could even call it that) two or three times in the two years I've been dressing and really it was only for the purpose of taking a few pictures for this forum. It was for a really really short time so it barely counts as "going out."

I don't know why I've done this. It's not like I have any dysphoria. Well, maybe there is some but it's so mild I'm not even sure it registers on the radar.

I guess what spurred this mini purge is a conversation with my wife about gender and sexuality. It took place over the period of a couple of days. It was strange how the dynamic of it went but I was somewhat optimistic on the second day.

I began thinking maybe I could come out to her about my dressing and tell her about the thoughts I've been rolling around in my head regarding gender as a spectrum. Maybe I could tell her where I think I might lie on this spectrum and how sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have facial surgery to look somewhat androgynous all the time.

We both have extended family that is gay, lesbian and/or bisexual. My wife is very accepting of all of them and I would say she is a strong ally to the LGBTQ community. So as our conversation turned to trans people, crossdressers and drag queens I was really surprised her liberal mindset turned inconsistent. She thinks it's (as she put it) "yuck". She says it's unnatural. She thinks it's gross. She believes men and women are beautiful in their respective ways but combining the two is something she is not attracted to at all and finds it repulsive.

(sigh)

So deep into the closet I backed in, just as I thought I could crack open the door, peek out and whisper "here i am." Instead, I will further attempt to minimize my CD /nonbinary footprint.

As a result I got rid of some things. I still have some of my stuff but it has certainly been culled. Not exactly a complete purge I guess. Not sure why I can't get rid of all it yet. I don't know. I guess wearing my girl clothes helps me feel like I'm attractive... it helps me feel like I look a little younger. Sometimes I get what I assume is a feeling of femininity and attempting to appear female helps manifest that feeling. Maybe that's why I kept some things.

Or maybe sometimes I just like to look pretty dammit!

Sorry for the long thread. Guess I just wanted to get this off my chest as well as let visitors see they're not alone if they're struggling in the closet.

So when I was digging stuff out from my car I found these red, peep-toe pumps and matching purse that I had forgotten about. They were my first pair of heels. Maybe I'll keep them a little while longer.
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