looking for advice

[Interstellar]

Thank you Kelly. Everyone has said such nice things. It restores my faith in human nature!
I am feeling some raging conflict. it just won't calm down as I know people are saying I need to. I want to quietly accept and gently come into this. But it's more of a 24/7 rage. Which is really unsettling me. I had some counselling online and the phych has been lovely. But she has advised me now to see a doctor as some of this is physiological. Which I don't know where that takes me. It all seems to be happening so fast.

[BillieAnneJean]

Interstellar,
If you think CDing feelings have come on fast, wait until your SO goes from not knowing to a rage that makes "hell hath no fury" seem tame.

She might just find it funny or even like it, but that would be against the norm.

The best you can do is to make absolutely sure you keep this under wraps and get your goals and desires figured out ASAP. Because the odds of her discovering your little secret get less in your favor as time goes on.

And when she finds out on her own, she may very well take it that your secret is you lying to her. Or she may react like you are cheating on her. She may even take it as the final straw and chuck you out.

So get things under control, make absolutely sure she doesn't find out on her own, and get your head together.

While you are at it, fix what isn't right between you first. You may end up in a battle over the CDing. No sense in having a battle on more than one front Simplify. Fix the other stuff first

OR

Just tell her and have a major blow up and get it over.

BTW I have a Blog. Back in the early part of the blog I was where you are, sort of. I wrote about it to help CDers and their spouses. Take a look at it, specially the early posts, and see if there is something that you can use.

Good luck!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

This rage that you describe - can you describe it for us? What is the rage aimed at? Upbringing? Parents? Wasted years? Are you angry at yourself?

It would be helpful for us to understand where you're coming from, and perhaps helpful for you to write down clearly what it is you're feeling.

Rage is a symptom, not a cause. You need to become clear on the cause of the rage, in order to be able to begin to deal with it.

[kimdl93]

I have at times found myself preoccupied, perhaps even obsessed with the desire to dress. That obsession grew rather dramatically over a period of years, to the point where I was dressing full time at home, going out dressed to run errands, and occasionally going out to restaraunts, theatres and bars. My wife tolerated this expansion for almost 5 years and then it all exploded. I'm now divorced and alone, consciously trying to undo the long-standing desire and mindset. I know many of us object to representation of CDing as an addiction, but in terms of its manifestation and consequences, it seems that mine appears very much consistent with addictive behavior.

Now the disclaimer: Each of us is different, however, and my experience may have no relevance to you.

[Interstellar]

This rage that you describe - can you describe it for us? What is the rage aimed at? Upbringing? Parents? Wasted years? Are you angry at yourself?

It would be helpful for us to understand where you're coming from, and perhaps helpful for you to write down clearly what it is you're feeling.

Rage is a symptom, not a cause. You need to become clear on the cause of the rage, in order to be able to begin to deal with it.

Hi Nikki. I've been feeling what I can only describe as chemically or hormonally unbalanced. That's what made me start to search about testosterone. I've read that surplus testosterone can lead to be converted to estrogen which in certain male brains can flick on switches. I feel like I'm reaching a bit and I'm not sure how much I believe. But some of this has had physiological elements to it. Today I don't feel it though. Maybe I'm just going tiny bit crazy. Let's hope not!

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Hey Kim. Sorry to hear that. I feel I'm far to new to this to offer much of an opinion. But I think many people feel compelled to do this. A compulsion is just a form of addiction. But if society had no norms you wouldn't feel bad about something you just want to do. I love going to watch football. You could call that a compulsion, but society doesn't see that as taboo and therefore I don't feel conflicted about it. You should do what you want to do.

[Pat]

I love going to watch football. You could call that a compulsion, but society doesn't see that as taboo and therefore I don't feel conflicted about it.

Probably not compulsion. If you spent your rent money on buying football tickets, that would be compulsion and society would regard that as inappropriate behavior.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Interstellar: So you think it may be more a case of raging hormones than rage in the sense of anger? That's a very interesting take on it, and one that could be pursued more in medical terms than psychological. Have you considered having tests to try and find out more?

[sometimes_miss]

I get these butterfly feeling thinking that there is a woman part of me.

Far too many of us feel the need to distance ourselves from what are female feelings. It's not just a part of you; it IS you. Growing up in our society, we are told even as soon as we are self aware, that we are MEN, and that being feminine in any way is absolutely the worst possible thing we can be. So it's no surprise that we have such trouble reconciling and accepting that we aren't 'all masculine, all the time'. It simply isn't easy to accept.

But it's necessary, in order to further understand what's going on inside us. EVen if you don't express it to others (which I don't, either, because I don't need the conflicts that it invites), until you can accept these feelings as your own, and not just a part of you, you're still going to stay confused.
As you crossdressed as a teen, obviously there was a need for you do to it. Why, we don't know; that's something that varies among us, for some, it was genetic, others, hormonal, others, conditioning. But whatever it was, you managed to subconsciously repress for years, until something allowed that feeling to come through once again. Only by carefully examining everything in your past will you (hopefully) figure it out. BTW, it took me DECADES to do that, so sometimes it's a life long struggle to learn about ourselves.

[Lacey New]

My story is not quite the same. I started experimenting with mother and sisters panties as a teen and of course found it exciting. It was not until college when I "acquired" my own pair of panties and pantyhose. Again, it was more exciting. But along with it was the nagging question as to whether or not i was really a crossdresser. Eventually, living on my own, I acquired a stash, purged when I got married and then thought I was cured. Nevertheless, the urge came back and I guiltily acquired more lingerie in secret. Fast forward a number of purges and years until I found this site. I guess I have come to the conclusion that yes, I am a crossdresser. Even though my dressing is in secret and much more limited that many of those on this forum. But the enjoyment of wearing women's clothing has not gone away after many years, so yes, I think I belong here. To that extent, sounds like you are a welcome member of the club too, so join in and have fun.

Lacey

[Interstellar]

Thanks Lexi. i agree with everything you've said. I can really identify with the fact I've always had a very broad spectrum of feelings, emotions and even intellectual abilities. So I'm very accepting of the idea that this is me.

What has been hard for me is just the force of how this took hold. But I think I'm calming down a bit now :-).

[NicoleScott]

Could be just a fetish too, when I hear you say the "thrill of mom's pantyhose" and "could hardly sleep." No one around here likes to admit it but the fetish aspect is a big part of it for many of us.

This happens a lot here. Members post looking for advice but use vague terms to describe their dressing and their reaction to it. A thrill may be an emotional thrill, a sexual thrill, or even a taboo thrill (getting a thrill from doing something considered taboo). Forum rules don't allow for explicit sexual content, but being too vague doesn't help getting the advice sought. Since most of us here don't use our real names and guy-mode images, what's the harm in saying there's a sexual aspect to crossdressing if there is one?

[Samantha uk]

OMG this could be me writing this. My experience has been exactly the same. It really started to kick in when I turned 40, that was nearly 5 years ago. Its been as big a shock to me as it was to my wife, a real rollercoaster, and I have had a lot of turmoil about it but we are slowly getting there now. For me the big thing has been getting it sorted in my own head, I still have a long way to go but I definitely feel much more comfortable with it now than I did 5 years ago.

You kid yourself its not a big deal when you mess around at the edges but as soon as you explore deeper the turmoil begins. If you think it would help to chat please feel free to PM me, theres a lot you will have to work through but talking is definitely the best medicine. Good luck to you, I feel your pain x

[Interstellar]

OMG

. If you think it would help to chat please feel free to PM me, theres a lot you will have to work through but talking is definitely the best medicine. Good luck to you, I feel your pain x

Hi Samantha. I'd really like to PM you - but I'm not sure how. I'm in the UK too. I had to tell my wife some of whats been going on because I am having days where I feel like im on a wave that I cant control. And like I just have to be in a womans body. And then somehow the wave meets the beach and gently breaks. And then I doubt my sanity. Actually i dont doubt my sanity but I doubt my feelings and whether I'm just living a fantasy. Only for the wave to start again a day or so later. But I'd love to talk. How do you PM - surely it cant be that hard?

[Hollibelle]

Hello Everyone,

Interstellar...I amin a very similar situation. Started the same way. I too am in my mid 40s and have been married for almost 20 years. There may have been a pair of hose here and there along the way. Howver due to the sudden death of my father and discvering some things about him caused me to reflect on the past which I think triggered my renewed desires.

[Mickitv]

I always thought that labels were for soup cans. Don't worry about it. Do what you enjoy. If you don't feel comfortable don't do it. It really is that simple or at least to me.