Daughter name

[Sandy Storm]

First if I posted this in the wrong section, I am sorry admins please me for me, Thanks

As everyone here knows I am a closeted crossdrsser, my wife and a select few know. I am truely just a guy who loves dressing as a woman but don't hate my manly body nor think I am a female in the wrong body. Although I have a dressed name my wife never refers to me as Sandy nor do I want her to...So my daughter who had confessed about being transgender since she was 15.. we always kinda avoided the situation thinking she had inherited my CD desires and was confused..fast forward to this weekend, she is now 18 and we found out she is using drugs and doing some dangerous behaviors so we confronted her and let's just say it went a billion times worse then I had imagined in my head to make a long story short by the end of Saturday night she had tried to commit suicide .... so we convinced her to go to the local ER and check yourself in into mental hospital they accepted her and are going to keep her for the next two weeks ...and family group last night she confronted us about being transgender and that she wants us to call her by her guy name and no longer her name...well as CD and a spouse who understands my hidden part of my life we can be extremely empathetic with her situation ... but in therapy last night my answer to call and her full-time by her male name was not received well by her therapist and definitely not by her .
My thoughts on the name why we find it important to maintain the name that we gave her, her name comes from my wife's great great grandmother that came here to America from Scotland and started my wife's family name in this country...we didn't choose a name because it was stylish or because it was pretty we chose the name Out of heritage...and as we explained this we were hit by major resistance...just curious what y'all think

and yes I have considered talking to her in private about my cross dressing but because she so in mature she would probably useit as a weapon against me to out me to everybody and so I won't share that part of me with her yet maybe one day when she's ready

[IamWren]

I can certainly understand your trepidation for not wanting to talk to her about your CDing given the immaturity you say she has. And I agree... she probably doesn't need to know about it.

But maybe there is a way you can approach the idea that you support her and your empathy toward trans-folk in another way? Certainly there is a way without outing yourself.

As for her name, I get that too. Is there a compromise you two could reach? What if she changed her name where it becomes a new last name? Could it be combined with another to be a new last name? Just throwing ideas to consider.

So sorry to hear she feels so desperate that she tried to take her own life. I can't imagine what you and your wife are going through.

[AllieSF]

Sorry, but I am a bit confused by what happened at the family therapy night. Did you agree to call him by his selected male name or did you say no because of the significance to you and your wife of his female given name? Based on what I think I understand, he is a transgender adult male, is having serious emotional issues and specifically requested to his family that he be called by his selected name, why do you not want to respect his right to be himself? It is really that simple! I love my family last name and want it to continue. However, if my son ever said that he wanted to change it, even after I explained it meaning and value it has for me, I would respect his wishes.

In your case you have known about him being transgender since he was 15, 3 years ago, what have you and your wife done to help him explore that and to confirm that decision, feeling or fact? You have just joined this site, so I recommend you do a lot of reading about the Non-Binary and Transsexual side of life in the many threads here. I would guess that maybe some or a lot of his emotional stress leading to his current issues and attempt at suicide can be related back to being transgender in a non-accepting world and a probable non-accepting part of the USA. If anything, he needs your true love now more than ever. As for coming out to him about your own crossdressing, that is a good question to ask a very qualified therapist.

If I totally misunderstood your post, please clarify it. We are here to help when we can, not to unnecessarily criticize, and I do not like to criticize unless I really understand the situation. I really do wish you and your family the best of good fortune to get through all of this and become a more unified and loving family.

PS: I am also confused if he/she is a FtM or a MtF, and if you have both or individually accepted that change? I understood he is a FtM, thus my using "he and his" in my post.

[suzanne]

So, you decided to support your son'so name change, whereupon your wife and her family are enraged with you? Bravo for you. You are totally doing the right thing, and you'll just have to weather that storm, I'm sorry to say, until they become more used to your son's reality.

With all due respect, the history of that name matters not a whit to your son. To him, the name represents his female identity, which he wants no part of. Can there be any doubt that the suicide attempt, the drug abuse and the dangerous behavior ALL stem from his gender dysphoria? What would your wife rather have, a dead daughter or a TG son? That's the reality of your family's situation, because this very issue is at the root of a very large proportion of teen suicides. Once again, bravo for recognizing that an please continue to do so.

Your wife's family might be over playing the history of that female name. Sure, they are honoring some revered ancestor, but I'm guessing the real issue is transphobia. The are against your sons newly revealed gender identity but don't come out and say it directly. As a test, you could try to work out a way to masculinize that name, and present it both to your son and your wife in a way that respects both sides of the issue. If the name was originally Roberta, would the slight shift to Robert be acceptable? I'm sure it's not that simple, but you get my point. But I don't think it would work anyway.

As for coming out to your son, I think you should wait until later. This isn't about you right now. When things have calmed down, find the right moment and tell him your story in the context of "I understand your feelings better than you realize"

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi Sandy Storm,

Firstly can I say that I cannot begin to understand the situation your in directly or indirectly. Neither can I attest to understanding the dynamics of your family and their beliefs.

The above should deem me unqualified to comment but for what it's worth I would like to give my thoughts without prejudice or intent to upset.

I truly believe the focus should be on understanding where your daughter (I have referred to her as daughter as that is what she was born as to you) wants her life to go. After all she is now an adult and should be allowed to express herself in whichever way she chooses as long as her actions are not a direct attempt to hurt others in spite.

If she truly wants to explore the rest of her life in a masculine form then this must be accepted and any difficulties experienced as a result of this by her closest family and friends are ultimately their own problems that require working on and not an objection opportunity to be put back in her court.

I have young children myself and intend to enjoy every moment of the time they spend as children and adolescents. In time they will grow and make decisions that I may not be comfortable or agree with but ultimately I must remain supportive and fulfill my role as a parent and always be there to support them.

Words are easy to write and being in the situation is completely different which I completely understand.

Something I have always tried to do throughout my life whatever the circumstances has been to step back from my own thoughts and force myself to think in the other camps shoes. It takes a little time but literally being the opposition (poor choice of words I know) in my own mind and thinking about their circumstances for what they want has often led me to more easily understand why they are so adamant that my thought process is different to theirs.

Sometimes it means I change my stance, sometimes it drives me further away but ultimately it leads me to better relations with them as they can see I have at least explored their world, if only for a little while.

I'm not sure my words will help but what I do hope is that you all find a place in which respecting each other is the first hurdle you cross and that as a family you are able to stay as a unit as ultimately I'm sure deep down that's who you all love the most.

Best wishes,

X

[Danitgirl1]

Sorry, tough love session here, but you need to hear this

Your child is in pain. So much pain that they want to end their life
They are alive here and now. A real live person in distress

And you are hung up about a NAME, a random arrangement of letters on a page, that you have imbued with some significance because if your wife' (presumably) long dead ancestor?

Do you love your child? Do you want them to be happy? Hell, do you want them to live?

Do what it takes! Who cares what they call themselves... when they are in a better place IF it is still a thing reopen the conversation if you must... For now, love accept and nurture that human being you brought into the world.

Sorry, not very supportive but you really need to get this sorted. Real life trumps romance every time, your choice of the name was an exercise in romanticism, nothing more.

[Micki_Finn]

Agree with Dani 100%. The only reason I saw for keeping the name was that it was significant to you. Are you going to life for her forever? She's 18 and and adult.

[nvlady]

You say that in a therapy session, your suggestion to call her by her masculine name was not received well by the therapist or her. By her, are you referring to your daughter or your wife? I can understand if your wife was against it, but it seems that your daughter would rather be called by her/his masculine name.
As for the therapist being resistant to using the masculine name, DUMP THE THERAPIST. Find a therapist who is experienced in TG matters.

[Tracii G]

You might as well call her by her guy name its a small thing to ask at this point.
Your child's well being depends on it Don't be a stogy dick about it show some compassion will ya?
He could go out and change it and there is nothing you can do about it so how would you feel then knowing the family name was ended because of something you caused.
Chances are if you took the time to understand and help the name change legally may not even happen or you can come to some agreement to save the family heritage.
Being a CD as you say I am surprised you are acting that way.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Your child tried to commit suicide and you are worried about his NAME???????

Which of the following would make you happier:

A - to bury HER with HER name;

or

B - to have HIM alive and well with HIS name?

Let's forget about what YOU want, your child's happiness & well being are what you should be concerned about.

TBH, I'm thinking this is some kind of troll post. The concern with a family name over the life of your child? If it is a true telling, then I hope y'all come to your senses and go with what is best for your offspring.

[Lana Mae]

I will keep it simple: life is more important than any name will ever be! Hugs Lana Mae

[Lisa85]

Keep the name BUT include it in the full name. Some have 4-8 words in their full name.

<new name><middle><historic Scottish><last name> would be the minimum.... just a thought.

Do not share CD at this time, wouldn't be able to handle it and might add just that straw of stress that the camels back is broken

[Pat]

So my daughter who had confessed about being transgender since she was 15.. we always kinda avoided the situation thinking she had inherited my CD desires and was confused..

OK, first thing -- very small chance that your SON inherited transgenderism from you. All the evidence of transgenderism following a family bloodline is very weak. So absolve yourself from that. He's transgender because he's transgender. Transgender people occur naturally in any given population.

Second, your son has told you he's transgender. It's time to respect his name and his pronouns. The name you lovingly selected is now his "dead-name." I understand it's a wrench, but that's what you have to deal with. Purposely misgendering or dead-naming a transgender person is a heinous thing to do and very damaging to them. Even if you suspect the transgenderism is not sincerely held, then you have to respect his request.

If you're a CD you must know something about what it's like to be misunderstood. The involvement with drugs and suicide attempt are both symptomatic of transgender people who are not accepted. Give the acceptance and save his life, for gosh sakes.

[Laura912]

Sandy, it appears that the majority here feel the person is more important than the name. You should tell your son that. The compromise to leave the name as part of his new name in some sequence of names is a good idea. You can always hug your son no matter who he is and show empathy and love.

Personally and professionally, telling him that you are a crossdresser is more about you than him...for now. He could somehow blame you for his problem which is not true but in the angst that he is experiencing, who knows how the mind will go. Weather the crisis, get things on a stable path, and then maybe tell him.

[Sandy Storm]

Thanks everyone for the opinions

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Oh dear, Sandy- I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter tried to harm herself.

I take it that coming out is a non-starter... because it might help your daughter to come to terms with her turmoil, and the stakes are clearly very high.

I do think it's important to accept that your daughter's happiness (and mental wellbeing) is more important than any family heritage, and there's a likelihood that if your daughter can have her way on the name issue, that in the future she may relax again about that.

But it's vital that right now she gets as much support from a united family as is possible, and as responsible parents it's you who needs to change.

[Danitgirl1]

Oh dear, Sandy- I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter tried to harm herself.

I take it that coming out is a non-starter... because it might help your daughter to come to terms with her turmoil, and the stakes are clearly very high.

I do think it's important to accept that your daughter's happiness (and mental wellbeing) is more important than any family heritage, and there's a likelihood that if your daughter can have her way on the name issue, that in the future she may relax again about that.

But it's vital that right now she gets as much support from a united family as is possible, and as responsible parents it's you who needs to change.

I would advise against coming out until after the crisis is over.
The last thing that Sandy's child needs now is MORE emotional turmoil/uncertainty/confusion.

What is needed is understanding, acceptance and support. No matter the motives, coming out is unlikely to be perceived as supportive by the child. Quite probably as just the opposite.

Just my