DADT? Latest episode

[Tiffany in heels]

I last left off with telling my wife and her being upset about it but not necessarily telling me to stop. This week she found a new pair of heels that I stashed in my daughters closet. Keep in mind no one uses the closet and never goes into it. All of a sudden deep cleaning came upon them when I was at work and they were found.
So she was very upset and told me she wants me to stop. My heart dropped but After a couple hours she calmed down and told me she is uncomfortable with it but I can do it in private and when she's not home. She said she never wants to see it and never wants me to leave it in my daughters room where she could find it.

Thoughts? this is the first time she has said I am allowed to although she does not want any part of it. Doesn't not want to hear about it or see it

[Dana44]

I would ask her to see if she would you store your fem stuff in your closet. she does not have to see it.

[Confucius]

I think its important to be able to talk about this with your wife. I would tell her that I love her and appreciate any support she can offer. I would also tell her that I will try my very best to live within her limitations and tolerances. Then I would ask her if she wants to determine what I wear and when I wear it. I seriously don't think she will offer to do that, but she will appreciate your offer. Perhaps she will slowly learn to trust and tolerate your discretion with crossdressing.

[Rachael Leigh]

Even in a DADT, communication is very important and you need to know her do's and dont's and can you live with them.
Trust me I've made the mistake of busting boundaries with my wife and it's not good

[Micki_Finn]

My only thought here is that you've got a long way to go. She's obviously doing her best to cope with it without driving her away. I would respect her ground rules and definitely not push her boundaries. You may even want to talk to her about finding someone to talk with about all this. It's hard for you, but you've got all of us to vent to. Who does she have to talk to without betraying your secret?

[Tiffany in heels]

We share a closet so that's not really an option. Used to have my own but I don't need that much space.

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I went to a therapist but even the therapist told me I don't need therapy. That we might need couples therapy if she would be Willing to discuss it.
For now I'm happy that she knows and said I could do it in private. I really don't want to be dressed up around her. I'm ok with her requests. The garage is my kingdom and I have a place to store all my stuff there nice and neat so that's not an issue. The only reason they were in my daughters closet is because I pulled them out to try them in when no one was home and she abruptly came home so I ran upstairs and stashed them in the one place I didn't think she would look and went to work.

[Stephanie47]

One of the situations that you will find happening in a DADT marriage is a wife will always feel compelled to call home before arriving so she will not interrupt or surprise you. If you're fortunate a husband and wife may have different work schedules so the intrusions do not happen. Another awkward situation arises from the actual DADT aspect. The husband continues to amass his wardrobe and successfully store it away from her view. In your case it's the garage. Can a wife really be upset in a DADT relationship and be upset when his wardrobe's scope expands/ What may have been a small collection of panties and lingerie grows to dozens of heels, dresses and undergarments, a wigs and makeup. I'm in a DADT with my wife who absolutely does not to even have a discussion about cross dressing. Sometimes I wish she would just blow her top and vent.

Be prepared for the possibility of 180 degree changes in her attitude. Or, if you're really fortunate she may bestow some small gifts upon you just to let you know she has not totally clammed up. Sometimes those little gifts such as a panty is just a hint she still appreciates you be sensitive to your needs without inviting more than she is willing to handle. I hope that makes some sense.

Your therapist is right. If you are accepting of yourself, then you really do not need therapy. I really do not think your wife needs therapy either although she may need some enlightenment as to what cross dressing is all about and where it fits in within a husband and wife relationship.

[NicoleScott]

She made it very clear:
You can do it in private.
She doesn't want to see it.
Don't leave your stuff where others can find it.
So......
Find another place to store - a good one, even away from home.
Don't let her see you or your things, including pics and evidence of purchases.
That IS DADT, and it can work if you do your part.

[Leslie Langford]

Let me see if I understand this...your wife was "iffy" and on the fence about your crossdressing, and you decided to hide your newly acquired heels in not just in any old out-of-the-way place in your house, but rather in your daughter's closet. Never mind if it is currently not in use, never mind that your daughter may no longer be living at home (you didn't make that part clear in your OP), or maybe that it's actually your daughter's former room...fact is, it is still associated with her, and as we all know, Mama Bear can be very protective of her cubs.

Consider yourself fortunate that your wife didn't embed one of those heels directly into your skull when she first came across them, and in fact, managed to settle down sufficiently in due course to still accept you crossdressing in private under the typical DADT rules of engagement. Other wives might not have been so magnanimous, and would have used that lapse in judgement as a springboard for turning your life into a living H*ll, moving forward.

As Dr. Phil would have put it, "What were you thinking...?!?!"

[Tiffany in heels]

I Leslie I think you are absolutely right. The biggest issue she had was why was it in my daughters room. She is 7. The answer is because my house is so clean there is literally no where I could stash it. There are no hidden spaces. My only other thought in my two seconds to think of a place was the oven lol. But she is more likely to cook than clean my daughters room. Guess I was wrong lol.

I have all my stuff pretty much hidden in my garage but now I feeel like I can have a large lockable closet in there. If she asks what it is I can just say exactly what it is and she would either want to see what's in it or not want to see it. Either way I love to build stuff and would love to store my heels nice and neat the way I built her walk in closet.

[Michelle (Oz)]

I think you are making progress Tiffany. Each time my wife found or saw something the reaction became less and less severe. I think it is partly her fears being overcome and her realisation that dressing is very important to me.

More recently we've moved from DADT to 'don't want to see'. I now come and go dressed from home with prior warning for my wife to close her eyes. Mind you that has taken 5 years and a good deal of patience and love. She still doesn't want to talk about 'it'.

BTW my solution to out of sight was to use a storage facility. Not perfect (hot, cold, flies) but allowed me freedom to dress before going out.

[Rogina B]

Is it always a "perversion"?..If it isn't,people need to stand up for themselves and spill out why their dressing is so important to them. If your style is to keep it a "perversion" then you can expect the lack of support.

[kimdl93]

My thoughts.... don't assume silence is tolerance. I don't want to see it may mean literally that, or it may be also mean that the very sight of it makes me feel (choose the word). Its better to talk regularly about how she feels if nothing else. Continued silence might otherwise lead to a very unpleasant surprise.

[Stephanie47]

I'm going to have to backtrack from part of the comment I made at #7. I went back and read some of your prior threads and comments. You mentioned an episode with her finding a "toy" on the kitchen counter. In that thread you mentioned she had been molested as a young girl. That is a material factor in how she feels about any sexual. It is always going to play in her mind whether or not she expresses it to you. Part of my wife's reluctance to accept my cross dressing is in part related to similar issues as a child. She may actually benefit from exploring her own issues with a therapist. I've been married for over forty years and her childhood experiences have affected aspects of our marriage and her feeling of self worth, etc. Please, don't hide anything from her. Most issues of child molestation involved keeping secrets and deceit. Be open about the cross dressing. She does not have to see it or participate. She just needs to understand where you are coming from and where you are going with it.

[Teresa]

Tiffany,
Like many wives in a DADT they would prefer us to stop, but they trying to be fair and understand, so like my wife you can carry on doing it if you have the need but I don't want to see it .

Ok it doesn't mean you have an open door now she is just giving you a breathing space and nothing more. It's possibly time to sit down and maybe write it all down so you can fully understand it yourself, you are in a better position to explain it to her. You will have to face that, there's no way of avoiding it if you are to move forward with your needs.