Big decisions :/

[xNicolex]

Ok girls this is a big one, for the past couple of weeks I made some changes to my life, I've been going to a therapist for my gender issues, I started running to get into better shape and I made an instagram account to share my experiences if you want to follow me I'm xnicolex1988 if I can help one person through sharing my experiences then that makes me happy Anyway lately I've been wondering about just how happy I truly am as me, and by me I mean male me compared to Nicole. My first session was very positive and yesterday was my second session I went as Nicole This was my first time out as Nicole during the day so it was a big deal for me as I had to drive through the crowded city to get to my appointment. My therapist was really great and called me Nicole for the entire session I've been thinking about transition but I am so scared I have alot of great friends and family members who are supportive of me not to mention my GF, but still the fear is intense. I worry so much about work, family and life but, mostly I'm angry, I'm angry because I'll be 29 in August and I feel as though I cheated myself from experiencing life as a female in my early 20's I am aging nothing can be done about that I know lol So I gotta take the fine line wrinkles that are already starting I also have scarring on my face which I can cover up somewhat with makeup but OMG I worry so much about my appearance and I know I probably shouldn't but I do. Feeling this way only makes it harder to decide, I look at some other trans women and they are beautiful as they transitioned early in life, and then again I see just as many trans women older than me and they look incredible. What to do? "Do what you feel is right for you" that's what I'd say to someone in my position but it's not always easy take your own advice. I've been really torn over this therapy helps but here in Ireland you can't just get HRT, you have to live full time as a woman for a year before your allowed to start HRT, so this means even if I started living full time as Nicole tomorrow I'd be 30 before HRT could start Then there's surgery costs and after care OMG the list goes on... But even though I know that the road won't be easy I'm still drawn to walk down it. The pics below are of me this week the first 2 are of me early in the week i dressed almost everyday The one of me as a blonde was yesterday just before my therapy session I had like 30mins to get ready so was in a rush lol anyway any advice you girls could give would be really appreciated x

[Molly J]

Therapy is a great start. Keep going. You're very pretty and a gifted artist no matter if you transition or not. Finding your truth is the key, no matter if you are 30 or 50.

[GretchenM]

I think you may be too concerned about being perfect or nearly so. You make a beautiful woman and therefore you are a beautiful woman. You have many possible pathways ahead if you decide to transition. I think you should rely largely on what your heart tells you is right. It is great that you are seeing a therapist; that is always helpful whether you transition or not. It forces one to really examine who you are and separate the truth from any illusions. It also teaches you the tools we all need to make good decisions. Transition does not have to include SRS and, in my opinion, you don't need FFS (facial feminization surgery). You already have the shape. And don't worry about the lost time. The past is done and is gone. Today and tomorrow is where you need to look. As I like to say, if you are always looking over your shoulder at what you lost, how can you see where you are going? If transitioning feels right then go for it. You have supporters and apparently a large part of the mindset. I considered transition, but after deciding that I am gender variant and bounce around a lot, my heart told me transition was not the right path. But I sense you are very different and pretty solidly in the feminine range. That said, it is your decision. With a year to try it out before any major changes, you have plenty of time to change course if it doesn't work out. So, if your heart says you should do it, then go for it. Give it a try. And enjoy the journey, wherever it takes you.

[Jenna Stunned]

I'm in a very similar spot at the moment, Looking to talk to a therapist and start HRT and I'm 35 so don't worry about age. The main question you have to ask yourself is "Are you happy living life the way you are now? Or would you be happier if you made some changes, Whatever they may be?" Talking with a therapist is a great start in answering that question. I can say that It is something that I have been struggling with since I was your age. I joined this site almost 10 years ago in search of truth of who I really was and why I love all things feminine. This site has in all likely hood save my life as it showed me that I wasn't alone, And that there was nothing wrong with who I am and how I think. There were a group of girls all around my age that joined around the some time and we all kinda evolved at the same time into who we are today. Some I lost track of while most of the others did transition. I feel like I got left behind. At the time I was definitely considering it, I knew Jenna was so much more then just clothing, But I was afraid to lose everything that I had worked for up until that point. I was afraid of all the changes that would have to be made, Afraid of losing. I would have to change pretty much everything about my life and start over, I still will. So I decided that being Jenna once and a while was enough. It wasn't. I hate my body no matter what gender I am presenting as. I have spent so many hours in front of a mirror trying to fake a more feminine shape, A more womanly appearance, And Ive gotten pretty good at it for my part, But I'm running out of ways to fake it. And it NEVER goes away. Not for me. Ultimately, I made a decision out of fear that I now regret, But its never too late to fix what is broken. And that is just what I am going to do now.

So, We are all different in who we are and why we think the way we do, But it really breaks down into, Are you happy the way you are? Or would you be happier if you made some changes? Don't worry about age you are still plenty young, You still have the rest of you life to live. Question is how do you want to live it?

[kimdl93]

You're so young! Don't worry about your age. Women come in all different ages. Also, don't worry about "the early 20's" experience. Its mostly just a fantasy. Most women have real lives, often children and jobs, student loans, and car payments by their early 20's.

Focus instead on the things that have enduring value in your life - the intimate relationships with family and friends, your professional life and 'who' you want to be in 5 years. Not how you want to look, or the glittery, glitzy fantasy world, but the everyday life.

[Pat]

I've been thinking about transition but I am so scared I have alot of great friends and family members who are supportive of me not to mention my GF, but still the fear is intense. I worry so much about work, family and life but, mostly I'm angry, I'm angry because I'll be 29 in August and I feel as though I cheated myself from experiencing life as a female in my early 20's

Nicole, you're doing great. Think about what you're saying above -- you're mostly angry. That anger shows through in a person. The world is filled with angry, disappointed people and when you see them you know. Wouldn't the people in your life rather be around that happy you? Wouldn't the world be better as a whole for you being happy and productive and a source of positive energy?

The fear and the angst are a normal part of this. Nobody transitions without that because we've all been programmed by the negative view society has of us and we're afraid they might be right. It's like the sailors who left port trusting that there was no edge to the world even when they had been raised to believe there was. I'd say accept the fear; feel it; acknowledge it, and go on anyway.

A favorite passage for me when life gets scary:

FRODO: I can’t do this, Sam.
SAM: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened.
But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.
FRODO: What are we holding on to, Sam?
SAM: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

[ronda]

You need to stop worrying about how you look you are beautiful as a woman just keep moving forward pick the path you want to walk down as you continue with therapy and it becomes clear to you what will make you happy

[Teresa]

Nicolex,
I hate to say this but coming to terms with these issues is hard at any age ! Can you imagine how it feels for someone over twice your age feeling the same way, you say age is against you but it depends what else you would want out of life. I had two young children and a new business to work at . Dressing was just a few moments grabbed when I could , now I have the time and my thoughts are all about dressing because I don't know how long my window is open. it's still hard because I have to consider a grown up family with their own children .

I know our health system doesn't have the budget to dish out medication on a whim that's part of the reason why they expect us to go through the varoius stages , hopefully giving us time to truly think what we do want. Try talking to TSs they will give you a good insight into dealing with the various stages, it's partly why I find going out socially so enjoyable , it helps bring our own CDing into perspective .

[Aunt Kelly]

I won't pretend to understand all that you're going through, Nicole, but I say one thing. Ask yourself how you think you will feel in ten years, at age 39, if you don't act on your feelings now. Picture yourself as you are now, but ten years older, then picture yourself at 39 with ten years of life as a woman in your memories. No idealizing, just honestly picture yourself as you think you, the woman, would be.
I hope that helps a little.

OK, two things...
You look gorgeous, girl.

Hugs,


Kelly Marie

[xNicolex]

Thanks girls I'm gonna keep working through it for whats best for me I've spent enough time conforming to what everyone else expected me to be, it's my time now. People may think I'm selfish but I think suffering for 10 years in the closet is pretty selfless IMO.

[suzanne]

So you're a glass-half-empty sort of person. The way I see it, from the perspective of a 57 year old, is that, while 29 might be a sub-optimal age from your viewpoint, you have a LOT of wonderful years ahead of you. FWIW, I have a 29 year old daughter who is just now shedding all the baggage and crap she picked up in her teen years. These days, a person isn't even an adult until they reach thirty.

The way you look in the photos you have shared, you should be immensely proud of who you are now, and just get out there and live your truth. If transition is your future, then go for it. But don't expect it to be the end of your angst. If you don't love yourself now, you won't love yourself any more after transition, because that comes from within and I think your therapist will try to guide you in that direction.

Try to find the positives in your present situation. You are beautiful, young (yes, young. 29 is not old) and have a lot of good years ahead of you, and you live in a time and place where being trans is not a bad thing.

[Dana44]

Nicole, from a 65 year old, do what is right for you and you are still very young. You look womanly and that goes good for you. So transiting at this young age would be great. Don't wait until you are in your sixties. LOL Yeah, too dang late to plan anything like that.

[Lana Mae]

20's! Oh, my God if I knew then what I know now! (Cliche!) Nicole, I finally determined I fit in with this community at age 65! Not much time left but I am just enjoying the journey for now! No angst, no guilt, and no shame! I am me! I think you are a lovely person(young lady) and with your therapist will make the right decisions for you! Do not be upset over lost time! Look at me at 66 and the past is water over the dam! Look to the now and the future! Best wishes Be blessed Hugs Lana Mae

[sometimes_miss]

OK, time for the doom and gloom one to show up; Me.
One of the questions you have to ask yourself, is, what do you expect out of transitioning? If you expect to become a hot, sexy woman, and have everyone think you've always been a woman, that's not likely going to happen; you're most likely going to become known as 'the transsexual' to pretty much anyone who gets to know you, and that will be the first identifying thing they think of when they think of you. Even if you change your name, and move to somewhere that no one knows you, over time people will probably find out. Even the slightest masculine feature will pique someone's curiosity, and you will become suspect. Even the prettiest post op TS that made the media, have 'tells' that aren't perfectly female (usually voice, even the best visually passing TS sound like gay blades). So if you are OK with being known to as a transsexual, then proceed. Since you say you are straight, remember that no matter how good you look, however, you can probably forget about ever having an intimate relationship with a GG ever again. Those relationships can probably be counted on one or two hands ON THE PLANET, when you count the ones that started AFTER the guy had SRS (a few, though not a lot of, women who are married have stayed with their post op then female hubby). If, however, you're attracted to men, there will always be men who want to have sex with you if you look hot enough, but that's about it. Most men marry to have kids, kids of their own. Again, there are a few (very few) out there who will be willing to adopt a child and become known as the guy who married the transsexual.

I'm not saying all this will definitely happen as described. But in most cases, it will. You say you're straight. That will sentence you to eliminating most chances for a love life from almost impossible, as the rest of us have, to never gonna happen. All the time dolling yourself up, is going to be for yourself only. If you can be happy living as a female, but being known to have previously been a male, go for it. You can always move to a gender friendly area (not sure if there are many, or ANY affordable ones in your area).

Now then. There is ONE way to have a love life. And it's not pretty. If you can just about pass for a while, post op you'll be able to date, long enough to perhaps enjoy the beginnings of a relationship, but will have to cut it off early (unless she does first, for whatever reason). I've had a somewhat active social life even though I'm a closeted crossdresser. The key word there is closeted. I don't tell anyone. She always thinks she's dating a NORMAL, straight guy. During which, I carefully find out more about her and her feelings about transgender people. I have yet to find a single woman who is interested in dating a crossdresser. So, I'm not saying you'll never find ANY woman who is turned on by the idea of having sex with a post op MTF transsexual, but I'm saying you'd probably have a better chance trying to empty China of all it's inhabitants.
So. I would recommend transitioning only if you absolutely, positively, cannot stand to live another day as a man. Or, do what I do; look at dressing up and behaving as a guy, as you're work uniform. You know, what you have to wear to do a job. Like a scuba outfit for a diver, an astronaut's suit for an astronaut, a fireman's equipment for a fireman, etc.. And live your female life when you're not anywhere that you have to be like the normal folks. It's not great, but it works for me.

And, last but not least. Someone once said, we seldom regret the things we do, we regret the things we didn't do. So if you're up for an adventure in life, go for it. Because if you'd be unhappy living the life of a typical male, that's not going be enough for you, and you'll be miserable most of the time that way. OTOH, you can ride the roller coaster as a TS, and at least have some joyful moments. After all, most people's lives are mostly drudgery, anyway. You've already been unhappy for at least ten years. That's enough. Talk to the TS folks on various boards, and seek the information you need. Someone's already been through it before, you may as well take the advice of their experience of what to do, and what not to do.

Best of luck. Enjoy your adventure.

[Tina_gm]

While there is "A truth" to what sometimes miss has said, much of that is ultimately determined by you.

Personally, I'd just start taking one thing at a time. I'm not doubting that you may be on a path to transition. It's that you are making a big leap from cder. I know there are some who once they get to a certain point do take the express lane, and feel they have to. I do think though it would be wise to take each step of progression slowly rather than the big leap. Ultimately transition if you are to will likely succeed better with a more gradual approach. That tends to go for any life change, too much too soon often doesn't work well. There are exceptions of course.

I don't think it has to be all doom and gloom. Your gf has an acceptance of cding, so at least there's some chance of you still being with her. How does she feel about progressing toward and or becoming female?

There will always be those who will view you as a trans woman, or one of them. Etc etc. It's only natural for some, parents siblings close friends to always think of you as they've known you for their entire life. Those entering your life now in whatever capacity will or can know you as female. To live your old life as female probably won't work, which is why most who transition do find new communities employment, friends. So the pitfalls mentioned are there but it's also about how you live your life from here and what you can and should keep from past, and to transition at a good pace for yourself and for the right reasons with realistic expectations.

You won't avoid every pitfall, but you don't have to hit head first in each and every one of them either.

[Becky Blue]

Nicole, whatever road you feel you need to go down its a journey, it does not matter how old you are, simply try to enjoy the ride. Instead of wondering what you missed out on focus on the joys of what your life can be like and try live every moment, its never too late. BTW looove the blond look on you!!

[laura.lapinski]

You look fantastic already without the HRT. Why are you so worried about your looks? I would think your difficulty with your decision is not really about looks, but about other dilemmas (and I understand that there are many). Try to come to grips with the real dissonance, and you might move forward on whichever path you choose with more clarity and assurance.