Going to see a therapist

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Hey all,

I've been a member of this forum for..... *looks* .... nearly 8 years now. I'm 33. Just asking for positive thoughts, prayer, etc. as I go visit a therapist next week about all this stuff.

I've always wished I'd been born a girl. When I was about 7 or 8, I had confided to a friend once that I felt like a girl trapped in a boy's body...those words. At the time, I wasn't even aware of the anatomical differences. I just knew they could play with Barbies, wear dresses, have long beautiful hair, and so on. When I DID find out about the different plumbing about a year later, I immediately, strongly, actively began to wish I'd been a girl, and haven't really stopped. I couldn't talk to my parents about it. I knew they wouldn't offer any support...and years later when they busted me with some panties in my drawer, I found out I was right about that. :P Super conservative religious household... You get the picture.

I am attracted to women, have had some girlfriends and so on, but I've never really dated all that much. My dating mishaps and failed relationships, though, have convinced me that I don't understand the female mind as well as I'd like to think. I can talk about being a woman trapped in a man's body all day, and I love all the girly things that I'm not "supposed" to indulge myself in, but when it comes down to it I don't really think like a woman. I'm definitely a man through and through... I'm just unhappy about it.

Which leads us to more recent stuff. I've gotten to be super close friends with one of my guild-mates in World of Warcraft, and it just so happens she's been going to school to become a therapist. Of course because of billions of ethical reasons, she can't actually council me. But after one of her classes, she told me "You know, we're going over gender dysphoria lately, and are you sure you're not transgender? Because I'm just saying, the things they described in class and in the textbooks sound just like you." Then she grabbed the DSM (the book of diagnoses that has all the criteria of each diganosis) and read to me the criteria for gender dysphoria. I had to admit, it did sound like me.

I can't transition...for a lot of reasons. Family, church, a whole lot of things that come with living in the belt buckle of the Bible belt. And I've insisted to her repeatedly that transitioning...I don't think it would even fulfill what I really wish, which is that I had been -born- female. I guess...even though a transition would make me legally female, it just wouldn't... I dunno, I don't think it would be "real" enough to me? Don't know if that makes sense and I mean no offense to those who have transitioned or undergone surgery.

I've also been going to a thing at a local church (not the church I regularly attend) called Restore, which is sort of like an AA-type thing but for all sorts of struggles, hurts, recovery from abuse, lots of stuff. Everything's all confidential and stuff but it lets you share about a lot of these personal things and get support from others. But...it's not doing anything for me. It's really awkward to sit in a room full of men and talk about how I hate being one because of the way men behave and because of our ugly gorilla-like hairy bodies. The point of it is to be supported by others in similar struggles. But, well, I really do seem to be alone there. No one in that place with similar struggles to mine.

Anyway. All that said... my masculinity has been bothering me a lot more in the last year or two. So, on the 27th of this month I'm going to a therapist to at least sort some of it out. I don't know if I'll be diagnosed as having gender dysphoria; I just want to be diagnosed if there is a diagnosis to be made...if that makes any sense. So that at least I can seek some ways to cope with it. So just...here to vent a little. Please wish me luck.

[Mirya]

Hey, I play World of Warcraft too! I played a warlock for more than 10 years, but now I play a healing priest.

transitioning...I don't think it would even fulfill what I really wish, which is that I had been -born- female. I guess...even though a transition would make me legally female, it just wouldn't... I dunno, I don't think it would be "real" enough to me? Don't know if that makes sense and I mean no offense to those who have transitioned or undergone surgery.

I think I understand what you mean. I too wish I was a cis female at birth. Thing is, I am not happy to be trans. I'm definitely not proud to be trans. And I know I'll never be the same as a cis female, no matter how hard I try, and it stinks. But what's the alternative? Continuing to live a life in misery as a man? Or worse, an early death by my own hand? No, I refused to give up on my life like that, so I've tried to make the best of a bad situation.

Anyway. All that said... my masculinity has been bothering me a lot more in the last year or two. So, on the 27th of this month I'm going to a therapist to at least sort some of it out. I don't know if I'll be diagnosed as having gender dysphoria; I just want to be diagnosed if there is a diagnosis to be made...if that makes any sense. So that at least I can seek some ways to cope with it. So just...here to vent a little. Please wish me luck.

Therapists will be very, very unlikely to diagnose you with gender dysphoria, or to tell you that 'you are a transsexual' or 'you should (or should not) transition', or any other major decision like that. They will try to help you come to a conclusion on your own - whatever that conclusion may be. Your results will depend on the effort that you put in. My advice to you is to be as open and honest as possible with your therapist. And keep a journal to record your thoughts after each session. Writing things down can really help you make sense of things - it certainly did for me.

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Hey, I play World of Warcraft too! I played a warlock for more than 10 years, but now I play a healing priest.

Alliance frost mage for me!

But what's the alternative? Continuing to live a life in misery as a man? Or worse, an early death by my own hand? No, I refused to give up on my life like that, so I've tried to make the best of a bad situation.

Fair point. I'm not suicidal and I don't see me getting to that point. Other than my gender, I'm actually really happy with my life right now. I'm single and have finally learned to enjoy it. I love my job, I'm well paid, and I love the place I live. I have a good car and my uncle runs a major dealership so I don't have to deal with the usual hassle when I need to get another one. Basically my life is pretty good aside from this one thing. So I guess rather than making the best of a bad situation...for me, I suppose it's...not wanting to screw up a good one by deciding I can't take this one thing anymore.

Therapists will be very, very unlikely to diagnose you with gender dysphoria, or to tell you that 'you are a transsexual' or 'you should (or should not) transition', or any other major decision like that. They will try to help you come to a conclusion on your own - whatever that conclusion may be. Your results will depend on the effort that you put in. My advice to you is to be as open and honest as possible with your therapist. And keep a journal to record your thoughts after each session. Writing things down can really help you make sense of things - it certainly did for me.

Yeah, I'm aware. I should have specified that this is the variety of therapist who can diagnose. (I know not all can...the friend I mentioned, for example, cannot diagnose.) I do know they're not going to tell me what I am or what I should do, though. Largely their job is to reflect what I say and offer other perspectives for me to think on, and so forth. GREAT idea about journaling though. I'll definitely do that. Thank you!

[Mirya]

I've always played on the alliance side too! FOR THE ALLIANCE! By the way, I love the game so much that when I legally changed my name to female, I made my middle name the same as my World of Warcraft character's name, lol.

My dating mishaps and failed relationships, though, have convinced me that I don't understand the female mind as well as I'd like to think. I can talk about being a woman trapped in a man's body all day, and I love all the girly things that I'm not "supposed" to indulge myself in, but when it comes down to it I don't really think like a woman. I'm definitely a man through and through... I'm just unhappy about it.

This is a tough one. How does one 'think like a woman'? In my opinion there are several factors -

• Women 'think like women' because of the way they're socialized - they're raised from an early age to think and behave as girls, and later as women. There are many aspects of thinking like a woman that you just won't 'get' until you actually live as one full-time for a while. Unfortunately this is also one of the hardest things to develop if you're a late transitioner, because it is difficult to unlearn all your male socialization.
• Women 'think like women' because of their hormones - estrogen can have a major impact on your mental state and the way you think. It may be gradual and take a long while, but replacing testosterone with estrogen will influence the way you think.
• Women 'think like women' because they were born with female brains - and this is true for transsexual women too. If you're a transsexual, then you innately think like a woman in many ways (even before your transition), simply because that's the way your brain was wired from birth.

So if you don't completely 'think like a woman' in every way, that's ok. Because some of that will come to you as you transition. But I feel it's also important to have an innate ability to think like a woman as well, since that part should already exist inside of you (if you're a transsexual, that is). For example, even before I transitioned, many of my friends (both men and women) had always told me that I think differently from other men. They didn't necessarily say that I 'think like a woman' (maybe they thought that'd be insulting to say to a man), but they did say that I didn't think like a man. And after my transition, others who knew me before transition remarked that it totally made sense because I was definitely different in the way I thought and acted as a man.

Fair point. I'm not suicidal and I don't see me getting to that point. Other than my gender, I'm actually really happy with my life right now. I'm single and have finally learned to enjoy it. I love my job, I'm well paid, and I love the place I live. I have a good car and my uncle runs a major dealership so I don't have to deal with the usual hassle when I need to get another one. Basically my life is pretty good aside from this one thing. So I guess rather than making the best of a bad situation...for me, I suppose it's...not wanting to screw up a good one by deciding I can't take this one thing anymore.

If you're really happy with your life, that's a pretty good indicator that you don't have gender dysphoria. So maybe you shouldn't transition. I will say this though - before my transition, I thought I was reasonably happy too. I wasn't really happy, but life was pretty comfortable for me, at least financially. After transition, my sister told me that I was actually a very depressed man, and she could clearly see it every time she saw me. I think that when you've known nothing except sadness and depression your whole life, it's hard to know what happiness really is because you have no basis for comparison. So maybe that will be the case for you. Or maybe you really are genuinely happy and don't really have gender dysphoria. I don't know. Hopefully you will find the answers to these questions in your upcoming therapy sessions. Good luck!

[Pat]

I can talk about being a woman trapped in a man's body all day, and I love all the girly things that I'm not "supposed" to indulge myself in, but when it comes down to it I don't really think like a woman. I'm definitely a man through and through... I'm just unhappy about it.

That kind of statement always leaves me a little nervous. What exactly do you think "think like a woman" means? Although we can fail to understand how particular individuals arrive at their conclusions it seems like all humans think the same way. People say glossing things like "women think more emotionally" or "men base their thoughts on evidence and facts" but it's easy to find counter-examples in each sex. I've never found an opinion that was held solely by one sex or the other.

I would think your failure to match up with given individuals in dating or relationships speaks more to how hard it is to find people of like mind in any circumstances. Just my take on it, of course.

I can't transition...for a lot of reasons.

Actually, there's only one. You don't see transition as having value to you. It doesn't really matter what trade-offs you're unwilling to make, you're unwilling to make them to get the benefit you perceive you'd get. Which is OK. Someday your opinion might change or it may never change. But it's helpful, I think, for you to get comfortable with the idea that it has nothing to do with external factors -- it really is just you.

[Rachel Smith]

Actually, there's only one. You don't see transition as having value to you. It doesn't really matter what trade-offs you're unwilling to make, you're unwilling to make them to get the benefit you perceive you'd get. Which is OK. Someday your opinion might change or it may never change. But it's helpful, I think, for you to get comfortable with the idea that it has nothing to do with external factors -- it really is just you.

Well put Pat.

I was OK with my life before transition but it was like it just didn't feel right. Didn't feel like I belonged in a room filled with testosterone. Now though my life is full of life. I actually enjoy being me. I hope for your sake you are not TG because coming to grips with it is a most difficult thing. Going to a therapist is the best thing you can do at this point, at least it was for me. As a matter of fact I went to 3 but the conclusion was always the same- I am transgender.

Hugs
Rachel

[MarieTS]

Bailey, I wish I could spend some time with you to help you understand. But from what I read here I do not think you are TS. Being female is not merely what we want, but rather what we really know inside. Counselling certainly can help you, but remember, counselors are not pantyhose-- one size does NOT fit all. You might be best served speaking with more than one. And like surgeons, the more patients they have had generally the more experienced (hence, better) they are.

As for your comments on "thinking like a female" forget it. It's nothing you rehearse for like walking in heels. It is something you are naturally adept at, naturally attuned to. Yes, as Mirya said, mones matter. But you feel and think like a woman or you don't. There are a few pieces to that puzzle and Mirya's 3 bullets adress them well, but at the end of the day, deep inside you know.
Good luck finding yourself. It is an interesting process. Feel free to IM if I can help.

[Exris]

Hi All,

Another Alliance Frost Mage here... (Silvermoon EU if anyone wants to group).

First up apologies for not being around here much. Iv been on Reddit mostly this past few months. That place... well.. it's easy to loose hours there.

But I too have started seeing a therapist. Tho she is a bit more than that. Very understanding and was not shocked by some of the crazy things Iv done to myself.

She's going to help me. Treatment is free here in the UK but the waiting times are long. Iv lucked out abit in I have a supportive company and excellent additional Bupa (Primate medical treatment) healthcare.

I like my therapist alot and she is going to refer me within whatever the scheme allows me to do. The scheme is not designed for this really... but she doesnt see it as a problem. I hope she is right.

But DECISION MADE now. It only took me 30 years...

Good luck to you gals too. We should throw a party when it's all done. Im t-total now in readiness for this... biggest of projects. But I can take 1 night off

Caio!

[KymberlyOct]

Hi Bailey, The title or your post interested me so I thought I would take a peek. I hope you went to the appt on the 27th. Regardless I thought I would reply for any other readers. I haven't been on here much since my transition 4 months ago but I thought I would stop by.

IMHO I think pretty much anyone on this site should see a therapist regarding gender therapy. Not because we are crazy and not because everyone should transition, rather we all should because therapists provide a variety of important roles for those of us that do not fit mainstream gender roles. If you are questioning whether you are trans or non binary etc etc a therapist does not have the answers for you but they can help you figure it out. Additionally if you do ultimately transition they can help you to help yourself work through the process.

Having recently transitioned myself my single biggest help has been from my therapist. She doesn't give me the answers - she doesn't have them. Instead she helps me find them myself. There should be a requirement ( I'm slightly kidding ) that everyone on here schedule an appointment with a therapist.

I was concerned about your comment - " I can't transition .... for a lot of reasons" I disagree. Maybe you don't want to transition and that is understandable there is a price to pay some more than others, but if you want to transition you can. It is not easy for any of us and definitely harder for others but there are many people that have overcome the same obstacles as you. I absolutely guarantee it.

Whatever path you choose I hope you and anyone else reading this find happiness.