Advice please - strange DADT

[Maria_mtf]

Hello. Bit of background for context. I was with my gf 5 years before I told her I dressed, 18 months later we married, that was 3 years ago. Originally I believed I had a sexual fetish and my wife actually enjoyed it but I was only allowed to only wear underwear, bras, knickers, tights Basques etc. On one occasion I wrote her dress and another her top but that was years ago. Anything more than underwear I can do when she is not home. Dresses in front of her is a no no.

My wife says she wants no more secrets and wants to know everything, but when I offered to tell her each time I buy a dress she says no, gets a bit annoyed with the convo and says she doesn't know what she wants. That was the last we spoke. I want to ask her if I can dress when she watches soaps once a week, but given she thinks it's a fetish she wouldn't be happy with me going off to entertain myself, don't blame her. I have tried a few times to dress with no release thinking then it will make it less of a fetish, although I am always turned on while dressed. I don't understand myself so can't see how my wife is going to understand.

She doesn't know I have shopped in person 3 times for dressess.

At the minute I feel obsessed with crossdressing, I check this site every time I get 5 mins, I think about it 10 times a day. I dream about going on holiday alone so I can experiment and try makeup, wigs, shoes. I think this is because I don't get enough time to dress. And the more dresses I buy the more I want and the more I want to do, like but some heels.

Questions:
Should I ask for time to dress?
Should I tell her I am obsessed with it and think about it 10 times a day.
Should I wait and try to understand myself better then bring her up to speed?
Should I tell her I have shopped in person?
Should I ask her if she wants to see my new dress?

I believe by not telling her the above I am staying true to her wishes and no overwhelming her because it's not all about me. My fear is I am hiding behind that and setting my self up for failure because I do have secrets from her. So many things about communication but my wife has told me for some things she doesn't want to know.

Doesnt help that I feel like I am in permanent pink fog for the past month and I can't think straight. I was however away last 24 hours and not long after I had been home she told me I have been really great, helpful and a great dad. So I don't think I am becoming to selfish in this fog.

[LeannS]

Jon
remember one thing the more you buy the more you have to hide.
Try talking to her to set up some sort of place and time that you could change into her.
I know it is hard in a dadt relationship they feel like you are lying to them when they don't want to hear about it.
and you really want to have their support and possible help at times.

I guess we all have our own problems
Leann

[Micki_Finn]

Strictly my take: A lot of your "obsession" with dressing may just be that taboo of it all. You've primarily been dressing while being sexual, which means you've trained your brain to associate that rush of endorphins with your dressing, so you're jonesing for that buzz. If that's as far as it goes or as far as you want it to go, that's fine. But it sounds like you're not sure and unfortunately I don't have a solution to your specific situation, but I've got a feeling that if you had a few days to actually "live" as a woman you might discover that it's not as all consuming as it seems now. I know I lasted about two of my planned 4 days living as Micki before I realized that there is no way I could do this while actually livin a real life. I just don't have the patience or energy for the 1-2 hours it takes "Micki" to get ready. Especially having to go through all that just to go to work every day? No thanks! I'll invoke my male privelege to be lazy and sloppy and save my dressing for special occasions.

[NicoleScott]

DADT gets a bad rap when members call their situation DADT when it isn't. DADT is permission to dress in private but she doesn't want to see it or hear about it. Do you have this permission? Can you ask for it?

[Teresa]

Jon,
Get to fully understand what your CDing needs are, the sexual side will subside but not totally, when it does you will still find you love dressing, at least that is what I found. When you've decided where you want to be or where it's likely to go then you can tell her or if it's easier write it all down. You can start working through the rest of the list, my needs are with me 24/7 I call it a gut feeling , that may not be relevant for her to know, don't worry too much about the shopping aspect, what's the difference between buying for you or her as far as SAs are concerned ? The good point about that is you are using your own clothes, especially if it's sexually arousing.
Yes you should find out if you are allowed time for yourself, your wife needs time to herself sometimes to do whatever ,so why shouldn't you, you are an adult .
Seeing you dressed may or may not happen, I felt very rejected by not being able to share that side of me with my wife, OK I now go out socially so many others have seen me but my wife still chooses not to.

The honesty issue is a complex one, no there shouldn't be secrets in a marriage, but they happen for so many reasons , and don't forget you assume your wife is totally straight with you !
Like you the male side and female side is bound together with dressing and sexual needs , I've lived with that since 8-9 years old and it's never totally gone away. The bottom line is most of us are born like it and it's for life we have to come to terms with it and I'm afraid so do our wives/ partners to some extent. I don't see it as selfish , because it takes time for a man to accept it's something he needs to do , we live with the male stereotype , of how society expects us to act a man/husband /father and in my case grandfather . I have come to terms with what is locked in my head , and I've made it clear that I'm not bothered who knows because what they say or think won't change me. I do believe now my family know all this they have accepted it better . Being seen out dressed isn't a major disaster in fact most people now days aren't bothered.

Your wife appears to be seeing it that it doesn't stop you being a good dad or husband, I do understand the sexual element is a sticking point , I no longer have that problem because my wife doesn't want intimate contact , she knows and accepts she has been substituted .

[Maria_mtf]

Hi Teresa,

Thank your for your response and an insight to what you have been through.

I did wear her clothes originally but since coming out to her before marriage I have used my own ever since.

I very much like time to myself, all my hobbies I will happily do on my own. I don't have many friends and I'm ok with that so I guess I'm a bit of a loner. My wife rarely has time to herself, especially having a baby now. She doesn't really understand why I would want time alone. I have thought about going on a week holiday alone so I can dedicate all my time to fishing, to get the most out of it I would litterally fish 24 by 7. She can't comprehend why I would want to be away from her or my baby for a whole week when I could use that week to see them. She will always say "so you don't want to spend your annual leave with your baby?"

Just to give an insight into her way of thinking. Of course now the holiday wouldnt just be fishing it would include dresses, shopping, makeup etc

As for the sexual aspect I think she is hoping it will stay that way so it won't progress, she says it's a whole different story of I want to vacum the house in a dress. I would thought if I dropped the sexual aspect she would be happier with it as all my sexual energy could be pointed her way.

I am slowly realising it must be more than that, every part of me longs to be in a dress all the time, it must be more than a fetish.

What do you mean by substituted in your last comment?

[Teresa]

Joni,
Substituted in a sexual way, I'm not 100% happy about it but I don't have any choice in the matter, as I'm still a fully functioning male.

As for the rest I do all the cooking , cleaning , shopping , washing and ironing but that's only fair while my wife still works. We also childmind the grandchildren three days a week .

I would say your CDing is more than just sexual that part will happen with time as you become more comfortable with it.

[Maria_mtf]

Last night I spoke with the wife with an aim to understand our DADT and if that's what we actually had. I started off by explaining I did not have enough time to dress given I could only do it when she was out of the house which wasn't very often. I suggested while she watched tv once a week on an evening I could do it. This made her very angry and she felt I was putting more effort into dressing than her. There was tears and anger. She admitted she just wanted my dressing to go away and she had no interest of reading online about it. This of course upset me.

For a change I will try to cut a long story short, through the course of the night we discussed everything, it was like coming out for the third time! I told her it wasn't just sexual any more and that I want to do more, make up, shoes and maybe even a wig. She really does not like the idea of a wig, I think she feels I will want to be a women and worries I want to go out dressed as a women.

I told her I had bought a dress in person, she didn't seem bothered. I then explained I tried it on in the changing room, she was not happy about that. She explained I am now out publicly to someone, which I suppose it's true. She feared I would want to buy clothes close to home but I assured her it would always be over an hour away so I knew no-one.

We are no longer in a DADT, she wants to know everything. She asked what my ideal situation would be with her involvement. I explained I would be happy with DADT but ideal on an evening when we watch tv I would like to sit beside her in any clothes I chose, such as a dress.

As the night went on she apologised that she couldn't be more accepting. But by the end of the night she had been really accepting. I think she even agreed to the Friday evening alone time for me. She confirmed she never stopped me buying shoes she meant don't wear hers, I thought I want allowed.

She out tonight and knows I am here wearing a dress. The challenge for me now is to keep up communication and speak to her before trying new things. Also to put more focus on making her happy and not just obsessing on me and my dressing.

Even though she doesn't like the idea of me in a wig or with a womens name she understand this is likely the way I am heading. I honestly still don't know, as I sit here in my new dress I still have that deep urge to do more even though this is the longest I have ever dressed for.

Thanks everyone for your advice but the answer is always the same, honesty is the best policy.

Lastly she has come home and I jumped out of my skin and got changed, she texts me saying she can stay downstairs if I am busy. I don't know what I am scared of, I put my dress back on and sit here. I clearly don't accept myself yet.

[Maria_mtf]

Potentially my last message on this thread. Last night I came out to my wife once again! I am going to try 100% honest! Now I know I said that before, twice, but it now includes her knowing before I go shopping rather than after, and now she knows absolutly everything. Speaking to her before intey something new, I.e makeup, doing it together, in spirit don't think she wants to see me.

Basically we had another argument, I would like to share a few key things that were said. It started because I neglated wy wife when she wasn't well so I could go shopping. That is I didn't text her for a few hours while I was away on business. I feel if I was doing anything except shopping she wouldn't have been that annoyed. She thinks I spend far too much time and effort dressing or reading about dressing, this is worrying as I am cutting it back as much as I can and I don't feel I do it enough.

While talking with her I explained since I have been openly buying clothes I had bought just 5 dresses in 12 months, less than 1 every two months. I thought that was great, she replied she hasn't bought a new dress for years, guess it backfired. Guess we have different priorities.

At one point I ended up telling her what exactly it is I like as she might as well hear it. Told her I love to dress in the most girly feminine clothes possible, big pink ball gowns and soft dresses and essentially I want to temporarily present as a women. She said like beauty and the beast style, which I agreed. she said she would love to dress as belle but doesn't so why should I, I then offered to buy us matching belle outfits! She didn't mind me saying that but she didn't want one really, told her I really do.

We spoke for so long and I find the more honest I am with her the better, there are just one or two things that are a step to far. She is so open recently, sometimes she has gut reactions but often apologises after. Since this chat she keeps telling me she will support me no matter what, I'm so appreciative of her hence I need to fix the actual problem, me.

I don't treat her enough, I do obsess over dressing, I don't put her first enough, I am selfish. I will try to be better and put her first because she's right I don't do it enough.

Thanks for listening

[sometimes_miss]

I had to think about this a bit before responding. This will be a bit long.

Hello. Bit of background for context. I was with my gf 5 years before I told her I dressed, 18 months later we married, that was 3 years ago. Originally I believed I had a sexual fetish and my wife actually enjoyed it but I was only allowed to only wear underwear, bras, knickers, tights Basques etc..

As long as you were turned on with her, it was probably tolerable, because it reinforced that you loved & wanted her. But now it extends to doing something WITHOUT her, and that worries her. So even though she doesn't really like the idea, the idea of you not being with her is even more disappointing.

My wife says she wants no more secrets and wants to know everything, but when I offered to tell her each time I buy a dress she says no, gets a bit annoyed with the convo and says she doesn't know what she wants.

Again, she doesn't really like it, but doesn't like you doing things that could separate you from her, either.
Women will say that they want no secrets, but to them, that usually just means they're hoping that you'll tell them what they want to hear. It's the same as when they ask you what your sexual fantasies are; they don't really want to hear about something kinky that YOU want, they want to hear that you want the same things that they want. Anything else to them is a disappointment. Hence, her then saying she doesn't know what she wants.
For me, telling my wife 'everything', to her was just giving her ammunition to use in the divorce proceedings. One of the things where you might have problems, is if it comes down to a non sexual situation, as mentioned that you want to dress all the time, think about it all the time, and want to extend it to wig, shoes, make up, while NOT involved in sex. This is the issue at hand. It involves your self identity, not just a sexual kink.

And this is something so many of us have to deal with. I've gone through it being non sexual, then sexual, then non sexual again. Took quite a while to understand why.
Our desire for sex permeates everything; once we enter puberty, we think of sex almost constantly; any time we see an attractive woman, we think of it, at least for a few seconds. Women don't experience that. Sure, they experience feeling attracted to men they run into once in a while, but nothing on the level that we do. I mean, I walk up the stairs at work and know there's a pretty woman a flight ahead of me, I can't stop myself from taking a very quick glance up her short skirt as she goes up the next flight and is right above me. And god help me if she notices and smiles at me when she catches me, I have to go disappear into the men's room for a while to cool down.
So, our desires for everything else can get, well, contaminated with the desire for sex. Sex with food, sex with sports, sex at work, sex in cars, sex in costumes, well sex pretty much all the time if we had our way (with brief periods of rest to recuperate, but then back to more sex).

but given she thinks it's a fetish she wouldn't be happy with me going off to entertain myself, don't blame her.

Because she knows that when you're not with her, you're probably thinking about someone else. Most fantasies don't involve the current sexual partner.

although I am always turned on while dressed. I don't understand myself so can't see how my wife is going to understand.

Pretty clothes are linked in our minds to pretty women. As such, it's not a stretch to see the dress, connect it to thinking of a pretty girl, and then instantly you're excited. It doesn't take much to turn a guy on. Or, perhaps there's something in your past which links your crossdressing to sexual desire. FWIW, for me, it was simply that I wanted to dress up to get the affection I needed (read my bio about that, link in my signature at the bottom of this post), yet as a teenager, I was pretty much horny all the time, so the two feelings got mixed together. And it stayed that way for years. It didn't take much to set me off; I'd dress up just because I felt like it, but then something would trigger the sexual desire; even just the picture of a pretty girl or a commercial on TV would do it: I discovered this one day while watching TV while dressed up. I was watching a western movie. Me, dressed up as a pretty girl, just watching tv. No sexual thing going on. Commercial comes on, with a pretty girl in it, and bingo! I was horny.....while dressed up. So I did what any other 20 year old would do. And didn't bother to take off the clothes. Then came the disappointment, and shame about not having the self control to NOT dress up (and not have solo sex). So the question of it maybe being a fetish was planted firmly in my mind. Took another ten years to figure out the difference. Hint, perhaps keep some type of hidden journal to document what you feel when you crossdress only, crossdress and have sex with her, and crossdress and have solo sex. I hid my crossdressing information files on my computer in plain site, but with names that no woman in her right mind would read: titles like, oh, '1985 collegiate football draft pics and lottery results'. I'd put a page of football nonsense as the first page, then my journal afterwards. I later did the same with my porn collection, titles like '1993 NBA quarterfinals celtics vs bullets' & 'Fishing for walleye on the Tallahatchie river'. Golf titles are also usually another great woman repellent. The tapes stayed firmly on my shelf. I had absolutely no worries that she'd EVER try to watch any of them. It's sort of like if she had secret videos, all she'd have to do would be title them, oh, 'Cats dressed up in cute halloween costumes'.

At the minute I feel obsessed with crossdressing, I check this site every time I get 5 mins, I think about it 10 times a day. I dream about going on holiday alone so I can experiment and try makeup, wigs, shoes. I think this is because I don't get enough time to dress. And the more dresses I buy the more I want and the more I want to do, like but some heels.

What else in life is stressing you out? New baby? Or just more stress since having the baby? Or maybe it's just been something that's been building up for a while. Often, we naturally repress the urge to crossdress (because we grow up being told that being girly in any way is the worst thing we can possibly be). But when our minds are overtaxed, we lose the ability to repress it, and the desires to crossdress come, and stay, to the forefront of our thoughts. And once there, it's difficult to, oh, put them away again unless we can get rid of whatever else it stressing us out. You mention a new baby; perhaps that is part of it. Not that the baby is a problem, but you are in a situation where there's a lot of stressful things going on that make you prone to those underlying crossdressing thoughts coming out. And the constant thoughts of it could also be a sign that you want to escape thinking about other problems in your life. Which is why I suggested a journal of some kind. Then, you should think of seeing a therapist too, who can help you sort out all this. One reason it took me almost 30 years to figure it all out, was I had no one to talk to about it, as gender therapists weren't a thing back then; there might have been a handful in the entire world, and even they were still in the infancy of the profession.
Should I ask for time to dress?
Yes, but don't push it. It seems like she'd be happier if she didn't have it 'in her face' that you're doing it. More like she simply doesn't want to know, but also needs to feel secure that you're not doing it while thinking about anyone else.....or involving anyone else, as in when you went shopping and could have been seen by someone you know; it also sounds like she's afraid of anyone else finding out about your crossdressing; this comes from how women identify themselves by how good of a 'catch' she makes when selecting a husband. She probably feels that if anyone found out, it would reflect on how good, or how bad, a mate she is. Women get a significant sense of identity by who and what their husband is.
Should I tell her I am obsessed with it and think about it 10 times a day.
Absolutely not.
Should I wait and try to understand myself better then bring her up to speed?
Unless she's a psychology major, no. There are many things that you will discover along the way, that, without more knowledge, will get her more upset.
Should I tell her I have shopped in person?
No, and shop further away. One hour away from home is nothing. I have met many people I knew at that distance.
Should I ask her if she wants to see my new dress?
No. I know that YOU want her to be ok with it, but there's no up side for her to see you showing off pretty feminine things, because: 1. it only emphasizes you're being not as masculine as she wishes you were, 2. it reminds her you're spending money on things that she feels are non essential, 3. it's an activity that she doesn't want to be involved in, yet, reminds her that you're doing things that you enjoy, and it doesn't include her. Women are very heavily family oriented; they define themselves more by their relationships than their jobs or activities. Men are the opposite. The thing about you not preferring to spend your time off from work with the baby but instead with your crossdressing is an example of that. She needs to feel that your family is the most important thing, to the point of excluding other things you might want to do. Once a woman is a mom, she usually revolves her life around her kids. She wants you to do that, too. Her first, kid a very close second, everything else a distant third.
And last, involve her in things more often, things that are not sexual. If you can afford it, get a baby sitter and take her out. If baby sitting is a cost issue, maybe family members? Grandparents are usually willing to take kids for a night. Even if it's for just while you're out somewhere, that would help, though an overnight without child ever interrupting is even better.

[docrobbysherry]

I started out, for the 1st 10 years, as a "fetish" dresser in the closet. And, I still get turned on when I finish shoots at home, in private.

However, after I came out here nearly 20 years ago I've gone to dozens of CD/trans events around the country and met hundreds of dressers of all ilks. Whenever I'm prepping to go out and after I am? Sex has NEVER once entered my mind. I never dreamed that would happen or that I would enjoy meeting other dressers so much.

Play it by ear, Jon. Go in the direction u feel the urge to. And, keep your wife informed. I think you'll both be fine!

[Maria_mtf]

I had to think about this a bit before responding. This will be a bit long.

As long as you were turned on with her, it was probably tolerable, because it reinforced that you loved & wanted her. But now it extends to doing something WITHOUT her, and that worries her. So even though she doesn't really like the idea, the idea of you not being with her is even more disappointing.

Again, she doesn't really like it, but doesn't like you doing things that could separate you from her, either.
Women will say that they want no secrets, but to them, that usually just means they're hoping that you'll tell them what they want to hear. It's the same as when they ask you what your sexual fantasies are; they don't really want to hear about something kinky that YOU want, they want to hear that you want the same things that they want. Anything else to them is a disappointment. Hence, her then saying she doesn't know what she wants.

Up to here I agree with everything you have said.

Hint, perhaps keep some type of hidden journal to document what you feel when you crossdress only, crossdress and have sex with her, and crossdress and have solo sex.

My posts on here are effectively just that, hidden in plain sight.

What else in life is stressing you out? New baby? Or just more stress since having the baby? Or maybe it's just been something that's been building up for a while.

My main stress is work, it's a hard job but I am good at it. Other to that it's the unknown with dressing. Sitting here in a dress and I don't feel satisfied, I want more, make up etc.
, well that's how I felt for first 20 mins. I think that is when I would switch it to sexual to try and get the more. Now I have calmed down I am just comfy in a dress, well mostly, sweetheart neckline is making my bare chest cold. Still have that feeling to have more though.

Then, you should think of seeing a therapist too, who can help you sort out all this. One reason it took me almost 30 years to figure it all out, was I had no one to talk to about it, as gender therapists weren't a thing back then; there might have been a handful in the entire world, and even they were still in the infancy of the profession.

I hope I can avoid therapist, given my wife is trying to accept and everyone on here is happy to listen. That's not to say I am ruling it out, just not now.

Should I ask for time to dress?

I have now done this, started with an argument but like usual she accepts once she has thought about it.

Should I tell her I am obsessed with it and think about it 10 times a day.
Absolutely not.

Done this too. No initial reaction.

Should I wait and try to understand myself better then bring her up to speed?

So as per my last post she know knows everything.

Should I tell her I have shopped in person?
No, and shop further away. One hour away from home is nothing.

As per my previous post I have already told her. I get your point about it being close however the risk is low. My local town in 1 mile away, I would say in a year see perhaps 3-5 people I know when I go there, either food shopping or whatever. I don't know many people really, and I don't mind that. The are big shopping centres nearby that people would go to rather than the smaller ones I picked. The only risk is if someone sees me going in or out of the changing room otherwise I am shopping for wife. I have bought her things so it's true, sometimes.

Should I ask her if she wants to see my new dress?
No. I know that YOU want her to be ok with it, but there's no up side for her to see you showing off pretty feminine things, because: 1. it only emphasizes you're being not as masculine as she wishes you were, 2. it reminds her you're spending money on things that she feels are non essential, 3. it's an activity that she doesn't want to be involved in, yet, reminds her that you're doing things that you enjoy, and it doesn't include her. Women are very heavily family oriented; they define themselves more by their relationships than their jobs or activities. Men are the opposite. The thing about you not preferring to spend your time off from work with the baby but instead with your crossdressing is an example of that. She needs to feel that your family is the most important thing, to the point of excluding other things you might want to do. Once a woman is a mom, she usually revolves her life around her kids. She wants you to do that, too. Her first, kid a very close second, everything else a distant third.

So I asked her and she said yes. My new ball gotten she said was old style like some other clothes I have. Second most recent dress she said is similar to one she has. So no real positive or negative comments bit obviously she was not to comfy with it. She has asked to be involved though.

And last, involve her in things more often, things that are not sexual. If you can afford it, get a baby sitter and take her out. If baby sitting is a cost issue, maybe family members? Grandparents are usually willing to take kids for a night. Even if it's for just while you're out somewhere, that would help, though an overnight without child ever interrupting is even better.

something I ask making more of an effort to do now anyway.