about to get married and worry so much

[chloe cute]

Need your advice gals,
Me and my GF have been in relationship in 10 years. She knows about my CD but she does not like it. We live separately and last year she found out that I am still CDing. She got mad and since I love her, I purged. But you know those feeling never gone. I still want to dress up. I love her so much. I told my self if I love her I would sacrifice things for her. After those purge, slowly I added back my collection without her knowing.
We are planning to get married soon, I am afraid that I can't control this desire. For those who is married and have a non supportive wife. What do you do?

[Laura912]

Quite simply, get this worked out before marriage. It will save a lot on lawyer fees later.

[NancySue]

Laura said it all. Any alternative will, sooner or later, be a disaster....sad, but true. Best wishes.

[countrygirl]

Listen to Laura. This is not something we choose. We can't just cut it off one moment and on the second. Being a female is part of our DNA. We are born this way. I am gay as a male or a straight female when I am Amanda. I would not be with someone who doesn't accept me for who I am. It is either all or nothing. There is no in between. Divorces just get real messy. Save your self the trouble now and think real hard is this what you want. I done the purging thing when my dad found out I was a crossdresser I regret throwing out my clothes. I immediately started back up and just hid better. Now I am on my own and I am currently writing this sitting on my back deck dressed up as Amanda and enjoying every last minute of this.

[Joni T]

You have only two choices:
1) Quit dressing, or:
2) Find another GF who approves. Sorry, there is no third option.
Jon

[Stephanie47]

I'm in the non supportive wife club. It's been that way of life for over thirty years. It's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." My wife and I had incorporated some lingerie play into our sex life early on which seemed to be OK because she probably viewed it as a fetish with benefits for her. It was never more than I wearing a nightgown and hosiery. However, my interests progressed further and when she realized their was some sort of psychological issues involved she was turned off. There was a rough patch there because neither she nor I could understand cross dressing needs and desires. I think she came to realize this was something that had nothing to do with her, and, I was the same person she married.

She does not know how my wardrobe has expanded since it is a deep DADT relationship. I cannot say I'm hiding my purchases from her because she does not want to see, hear, talk, etc about cross dressing. I'd be willing to share, but, she is not receptive at all. There are no caustic remarks. I've had the opportunity when working to take days off to play, and, as a retiree when she was working.

I would suggest you come clean with your girlfriend so you are not accused of keeping secrets, lying, deceit, etc. If she is really repulsed by this part of you you may want to postpone the marriage until you work it out. She may not be the girl for you. And, your girl side may not be for her.

[mykell]

hi chloe,

well....tough love advise already handed down....its part of who you are, be honest with yourself so you can be honest with the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with....why does she not like it....if the reasons she hates this is too hard to overcome you will have some hard choices to make....and yes until the vows they are choices, after that it will all be different.

if she really loves you i think she would be open to a therapy session, perhaps a support session, honest open talk between the two of you.

http://www.pflagphila.org/ new trans group, i use pflag.

i think you are wise to admit that control of our trans/cd inclinations will always be like trying to stop the tide from coming in....we know how that works....

she most likely will have reservations for how others see her for being with you, if you could make arraignments to keep it something fun and private between the two of you would be one way she can accept, but just be ready for any ultimatums that require you to give up something you seem to know full well you cannot live without...

good luck.....some hard work is coming....if you can overcome this then i think you will have a very fruitful life together....

[Micki_Finn]

Yeah there's no secret bullet and you're just setting yourself for a whole lot more pain in the future. There is about 0% chance that your marriage is happy.

[Jenny22]

As Mikell touched on it, perhaps Premarital counseling with a therapist knowledgeable in gender variant issues will help both of you. Your SO may be the sweetest person, but she's not the only girl in your life. She needs to know from a professional that your need to be that other girl will never go away. If she can't accept that, do not marry. You'll lie, and hide your dressing. At some point in your lives, the truth will out and then the Schidt will hit the fan. You'll both be miserable.

[jennifer0918]

This is a tough one she knows about you dressing but does she know about the mechanics behind it all? CDing does not work like she thinks ,I feel she thinks you just do it maybe for a fetish or some sort of thrill and she has no understanding that we are born like this ,we do not choose to dress in womans clothing,this is not a choice but a part of us. For me CDing is like air and water I need it to be alive. The day I could live without breathing, the day I could live without water,then I will have my last purge. Till then these leggs were ment for walking. Good luck ,keep us informed.

[Julogden]

Do NOT get married until you resolve your differences, don't even think about it. You need to work out your gender/dressing issues before getting involved in a serious relationship, and then once you know who you are and what you need, be honest with prospective partners, and look for someone who likes you because of who you are, not someone who likes you in spite of who you are, BIG difference between the two,

I speak from personal experience as well as being familiar with the experiences of many others, this does not go away.

[LeannS]

Chloe
Please reconsider your decision to get married to your girlfriend. Chloe it won't work out when she finds out your dressing again she will be gone like the wind
and you have a dam big lawyer bill, kids well that you get to pay child support it is not fun be there done it so I advise others.
It would be better for all concerned to separate at this point. You say you love her tell her your still crossdressing and see where that gets you.
Be truthful with her. Enjoy your time alone and dress when you want.
Think with your head and not the other, the other will lead you down a road that will end very soon.

But it is your life and it is your right to ruin it.

leann

[Littleg2]

Chloe,

I am posting from a gf point of view, I hope that's alright. I am also very new to all of this, so please bare with me...

I am curious how in depth you have discussed your CD'ing with your fiancee? Will she talk about it at all, or does she just shut you down? Is she repulsed by it (I really don't like that word, but one I have heard in relation to this situation.), or coming across as misunderstanding of it? I am wondering where her dislike of it comes from and perhaps with some therapy/counselling, do you believe she would be alright with it?

I wouldn't want you, or anyone, to have to live their lives in the cloak of lies and deceit because something takes hold of you that you are powerless to stop because it is you. Or live in misery trying desperately to give that up to please your SO. That seems unhealthy, and heartbreaking, but so does ending a 10 year relationship.

I would hope if she loves and respects you, she will listen, really listen to you, and come to her own understanding of what you need in life. Good luck to you, I hope it all works out for the best, however that is.

[Tracii G]

Getting married will not solve the problem just create more.
I am going to be brutally honest and its just my opinion so don't get mad because its not me just being an a hole.
What is wrong with you ??
The woman you want to marry hates a part of you?
You say you love her yet you lie to her about dressing?
Thats like a woman that stays with a man even tho he beats her every day and uses the excuse "but I love him" to justify staying.


You need to think long and hard about what you are getting into.

[carhill2mn]

It is much simpler and less painful in the long run to separate now rather than after a few years of marriage. Divorce is painful and expensive.

[Judy-Somthing]

Good luck.

[Maria_mtf]

Since you have slowly added to your collection without her knowing you are lying to her. Surely it's a given lies and marriages don't work? (In my experience withholding the truth is lying). I see two options:

1. You need to talk to her and stop lying, set bounderies etc.
2. Keep lying and confess in future and potentially ruin her life with your lies.

Sorry sounds harsh but it's not fair on her for you to not be yourself.

[paulinescotlandcd]

Just walk away...or jog if you prefer.

[Lindajane]

Chloe.
If she would be open to visiting here, doing some honest investigating and finding out for herself what this is about. we are not all a bunch of frankenfurters.
I wrote a bio. Explaining when this all started for me and how i learned to come to terms with it.It helped, face to face confrontations are difficult for me.
All the best. Linda

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Since you have slowly added to your collection without her knowing you are lying to her. Surely it's a given lies and marriages don't work? (In my experience withholding the truth is lying). I see two options:

1. You need to talk to her and stop lying, set bounderies etc.
2. Keep lying and confess in future and potentially ruin her life with your lies.

Sorry sounds harsh but it's not fair on her for you to not be yourself.

This is great advice. Hey. Wheres the like button?

[MelanieAnne]

The dressing will get stronger after marriage, because the sex will get old after a while, when it's always there. You will then turn more to your dressing for whatever reasons, variety, turn on, etc. Proceeding with the marriage is not a good idea. Calling off the marriage is cheaper than a divorce. You already know she doesn't approve of your dressing. It will become even more of an issue after the marriage. This is something you simply cannot give up to please the wife. You can purge. You can tell yourself you are over it. But it will come back with a vengeance. Plan your life accordingly.

[Aunt Kelly]

I won't tell you not to get married, but if she is worth taking as your wife, you both need to come to terms with this. Marriage will not "fix" you. Continuing to hide it will only make showdown bloodier when it comes, and it will. Counseling might help, so you should use that resource before making any further commitments.

[Invisible Emily]

Seems like discussing this before marriage is the best possible option. Better now then later.

[Amy Lynn3]

Wow, you have already gotten some very good advise and I recommend you take it. I will only add the following. It would be in your best interest to place the issue where it needs to be. That is with your fiancee. Sit her down and tell her cding is a part of you that can not be done away with. Tell her even if you get married you will still be a crossdresser for life. Allow her to say yes it will be okay to marry with this being in our relationship or she can call off the marriage. She is the only one I see who has control of the situation, as to how it ends up. Plain talking at this stage is the only way to solve this issue, but if you allow it to continue it will end up in a train wreck. The very best to you and her, as you both have a monumental decision to make.

[sweetdreams]

Chloe. As so many have already pointed out. Do not get married until you work this out. This will only get uglier.

[Rachelakld]

2 choices with the marriage - 1) she will be very unhappy or 2) you will be very unhappy.

With marriages - it's best if it at least starts, with BOTH being very happy - and even that is not a guarentee of a long marriage.

Save yourself and the one you love from a lot and decades of pain - walk away.