Pretty solid advice so far and 99% of the replies lean in the same direction so that is a pretty rare thing around here.
Have you ever been married before? If not then you have no idea what you are in for even if you never CD again in your life.
You can be a bull headed man and not take the advice but don't say we didn't warn you.
Plenty of good advice so far so no need for me to repeat.
I wish you the very best of luck with whatever you choose but I guess you will not be able to repress what you really are without being deeply unhappy and that can have a very destructive effect on all involved.
Get married, be confused, hide in the closet. Get your suit case bring it to the motel and dress. Apx 15 years later assets grow she divorces you and lose thousands in IRA retirement.What do you do?
Other hand, find a GF who loves you for being you and will even buy a summer dress for you. Loves the personae of the person.
Whoops that is my story.....
Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.
I was married before my now ex found out. We were married for years, but when we finally got divorced, my TG life was one of her main reasons for wanting to split. Clean divorce though, no assets to split, we just could no longer deal with each others' BS. Stories about divorce because of being TG are not uncommon on this forum or real life.
So what should you do? Hold off on marriage for now. All marriage does is put the state in bed with a couple. You can still have a relationship, go out, have romantic time alone etc... no need for some legal paper that is gonna cause nothing but problems. What is even the benefit of marrying these days? Many people wish they had NOT married but few ever say they wish they had.
Do you really wanna be legally bound to someone who is trying to control your life?
Even if say you did marry and you two reached some kind of agreement about your CD'ing (as some here have), what kind of enjoyment would you even get out of dressing up knowing you have to follow a bunch of strict rules? Screw that.
It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.
If you manage to give it up, you will end up resenting her. If you start dressing in secret, sooner or later she'll discover it and you'll be the bad guy for hiding it. If she makes a compromise, shes going to feel you forced her into a position she's not happy with, and is going to resent you. Been there, done that, never again.
Her idea of a happy married life obviously doesn't have a cross dresser in it, and if she's anything like my ex, she'll spend her time with you trying to change you into her ideal man. Is that the life you want? You're not broken, you don't need fixing, and you deserve happiness just like every one else. Obviously I can only speak from my experience, but you need to give this some serious thought before you lock yourself into something that will cause you both a lot of pain, and cost you a lot of money down the road.
When you marry someone, it should be with someone who loves you for who and what you are, panties and all!
Find out where she is at with you continuing to dress after marriage because as you know first hand you don't feel you can stop (few if any can). Maybe if you can afford it talk to a gender therapist and invite her to a later session after you have a better handle on where you are on the spectrum and your likely needs.
If she can't live with it and you can't live without it, sadly you aren't made for each other. Till death due you part is usually a long time.
Very solid, down-to-earth advice being given here, and you would be wise to listen to the voice(s) of experience, especially from those of us here trapped in DADT H*ll.Originally Posted by chloe cute
... She knows about my CD but she does not like it...She got mad and since I love her, I purged. But you know those feeling never gone. I still want to dress up. I love her so much. I told my self if I love her I would sacrifice things for her. After those purge, slowly I added back my collection without her knowing.We are planning to get married soon, I am afraid that I can't control this desire...What do you do?
They say love conquers all. Maybe. But what I am seeing here is a (reluctant) willingness on your part to put your CDing on the back burner for the sake of harmonious relations with your GF and potential wife-to-be. Very noble and well-intentioned on your part, but all I can say is good luck with that.
I am a realist, and what I am not detecting here is an equal willingness by your GF to accommodate your needs with respect to your crossdressing. Is she really that rich, and is the sex really so spectacular that you would make all these sacrifices for her, just to settle for a miserable life of subservience on her terms...and for what? Love??? As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea...
You need to think your plans for marriage through very thoroughly here and look hard before you leap.
I don't think you know what you are getting into to be honest.
Marriage is not about you in her eyes its about her and what she wants and what she expects you to do for her. She showed her cards when you said she doesn't like your crossdressing.
She is not showing you respect at all so you want to marry a woman like that?
Just think what would happen if she was under the impression you were going to get married and she came to you and said honey lets set a date for the wedding and you said no I don't think so you don't respect me and you expect me to banish a part of me because you don't like it.
Mention something about her that annoys the living bejessus out of you and tell her she has to change see how that works.
Right then she will know you aren't going to take her crap.
Last edited by Tracii G; 06-21-2017 at 07:27 PM.
Talk about it now with her. Try to include her in your ideas about dressing and try to spend some time with her dressed as your femself. I started my marriage with the same thought that i could chamge my desire to dresa.. it ended terribly and 5 years after moving out i am still likcing my wounds from my divorce ... i loved her / she loved me , but neither of us could manage my crossdressing as part of our life together..... take the risk now to be clear and honest about gender crossings now instead of waiting for a bigger hurt later
You only get one life. Don't waste it!
i'd suggest couples counseling. find a therapist that you know is experienced working with trans/gender issues and discuss your dressing in a space where you'll have a mediator. definitely get this sorted out before marriage. have conversations. be open and real about what you can do. don't try to soft-sell or make it seem like it's not as much as it actually is.
even with honesty, it might be a lot of work and a significant challenge. but if you talk now, you'll save both of you lots of heartbreak and tears later.
good luck, hun
Chloe, you're aware of her feelings on the subject and of yours. Marrying this person under the present circumstances is inviting future regret.
You should be totally honest with her, and hope that her love for you will be enough to at least get her to consider acceptance. If it isn't, I'm sorry to say that I think you are kidding yourself if you think you have a long term future together.
I used to have a short attention spa
Who popped the question?
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
Chloe, There's a can of worms to be opened up later! if she has told you she does not like you dressing and you got rid of your clothes and now you have got more and she does not know, what on earth is the point of getting married? Your life will not be any better than it is now if not worse. If she is not accepting to the situation as it is now it will never be any better in the future.
Do you honestly want to be in a DADT situation? pussy footing around and grabbing those odd moments to dress hoping she does not come home earlier and catch you!
You have two choices go down the road you are now and have some form of difficulty later or to quote a saying, cut and run. Find somebody else who is more tolerant, more understanding to our cause and more accepting.
Cut and run sounds a little drastic since they've been together for 10 years Bobbi. Other than that, you have very good points.
A heart to heart discussion about the future of crossdressing and the future of the relationship is needed. Crossdressing is a proclivity of the OP and proclivities should be supported and accepted be both parties in a relationship. The OP should also support her equally with her desires. When one spouse doesn't allow the other to do what makes them happy, there's no sense in getting married IMHO.
So doing everything possible to help her understand the life of a CD is imperative. She could join the forum in order to talk with other GG spouses. If she still can't get on board at that point, remain friends if you want but don't tie the knot.
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
To me all the good advice already given boils down to you've got to tell her. I also agree that the relationship is far from over. After 10 years and an engagement you owe it to both of you to give her a chance to accept your dressing at some level going onto the marriage. Maybe she hasn't thought about counseling so absolutely offer to go with her and encourage her to go alone in addition to the couples counseling if she's like.
Best wishes to you both,
Leelou
chloe, she needs to know -- before you get married.
You two need to talk. Like, now.
Don't push anything on her. But be sure to be open & honest.
Everything that you stated in your OP would be a good start -- and even necessary.
Good luck, and please keep us updated.
chloe, I know that this is going to sound shallow, but I'm giving myself permission to be that way for a moment since I did post a more serious and thoughtful response above, so I've already done my due diligence here.
Putting all the sage advice already given here aside, dang it, Girl!...you're gorgeous and very passable, based on all the pictures you've already posted to this site. It would therefore be a great disservice to the world to keep you indoors permanently if you find yourself dealing with a non-supportive wife in the future, not to mention the mere fact of stopping dressing en femme altogether and attempting to shove your feminine side back into the closet so deeply that it would resemble being in a black hole. That's bound to leave a mark.
The world needs more "chloes" out there to represent us TG folks in a positive light, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Absolutely work this out! Don't keep secrets. Don't make promises that you already know that you can't keep. It may be a hard decision now but it will be a harder decision later. If you "can't control the desire" then purging is just a lie to you and your GF. I would suggest that you put off the wedding and and wait longer or move on.
I realize that you love her but is that enough to continue this relationship?
I agree with CharGG
Another GG pov please do not go forward getting married till you are truthful with yourself and her. Your first mistake was purging you need to be man or woman enough to tell the truth/ get her to understand .... Instead you made it seem like it was a choice and something you can stop.
You need to sort this out and have her understand and figure out how to go forward together . If you can not do this then do not get married . It seems hard to do now but trust me when it comes out later ( and it will) it will be a lot worse and much more involved.
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Don't do it till you 2 have it worked out. You will always be a crossdresser . You might be able to stop for a year or more but it will come back then the trouble will begin . I'm telling you from experience. Been there it's not fun.
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Honesty and communication. If you don't have it now, you never truly will. I finally came out to my wife after 23 years of marriage. Luckily, she is understanding and supportive. But that's partly because we already had a strong marriage. But if I could roll back the clock, I would have be upfront right away. If it's a major, unresolvable issue now, that's a a signal of things to come. And it's not a part of you that you can turn off like a light switch. At least it's not like that for me. Good luck. Keep us posted.
You know what I find interesting is that Chole hasn't even responded to anything here.
I did notice that she did respond to another post but nothing here she has a lot of great responses here.
whats up with that??
leann
my advice - never lie to yourself and never lie to your wife. Don't promise what you cannot deliver.
marriage is accepting each other as you really are and both being able to compromise.
luv J
I found her lack of response kind of odd too.
Maybe she didn't like the comments who knows.
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