Terms to use...

[Littleg2]

Good Morning,

I suppose this may come down to personal preference, and I will have to ask my bf his own, but I also wanted to get some other opinions...

When dressed (and please excuse my current misuse of any terms, perhaps that can be clarified as well or I'll learn and pick up more as I go), do you prefer to hear more feminine terms to describe yourself, or rather, how others describe you when in female mode?

Last night my bf sent me some pictures of himself dressed completely as his female counterpart (would that be alright to say, or is 'en femme' preferred?). When I thanked him for sending them to me (we were pm'ing), I told him I thought he was "very beautiful". After sending that initial message, I hesitated, took a deep breath, then I typed out another message telling him I thought he looked sexy (as he is quite sexy in a few, which I said to him). I commented on his face in some, saying he looked very demure, and on some other things as well. He was very sweet and gracious, saying 'thank you' and asking if I was ok with all of this, overall it was a very positive exchange.

I would like some opinions on how I talk to him though, or the terms I use, as not to make it awkward, I suppose. I wouldn't likely call him some of these things when in masc mode (some, but not in the same context), but is it acceptable to do so when he is dressed as a women? What do you like to hear to describe yourself? I hope this makes sense.

Any advice or input would be appreciated. Thank you.
-g

[Debra Russell]

We all like to be flattered feminine terminology is always appreciated. I am sure he is thrilled with your attentive comments ................................Debra

[Dana44]

There is times i Feel sexy and sometimes pretty.. But my GF never says anything and I think that is hard for her to say things like that. But if you describe him as you see him even though it might bother you. I would say that is nice. Even if you call her name hat is good enough. You are an endearing woman and that is so nice.

[Pat]

It depends a lot on how he experiences his gender. There are people who crossdress, but still consider themselves men, people who consider themselves full-on female and people who consider themselves neither. Best choice is to talk and discover what his preferences/involvement/hopes/dreams/desires are.

(Although I talk about people "considering" themselves something, that's just a linguistic figure -- really these people don't think/consider/believe they are something genderwise, the real truth is they ARE that thing. Respecting that goes a long way to achieving harmony.)

[StephanieCLT]

Yes, when I'm dressed, I loved to be told I am pretty, beautiful, sexy, etc., all the things you might tell a female friend. I also love to be addressed with feminine pronouns, terms, etc. for example, the waitress last night, in response to my response on one of her questions, said, "You're my kind of girl." I liked that.

[Micki_Finn]

It sounds like you're doing great. If he's anything like most of us, he wants to be treated how he's presenting. So if he's "en femme" (wife and I use "girl mode", it's a little more colloquial) then treat him as you would a woman. The one caveat is that he's still a guy so calling him "sexy" he may read as you saying you are sexually attracted to the girl look which is great if that's the message you're sending but if not it may get misinterpreted.

[susan54]

Everyone is different. Though I think of myself as a man at all times it is still nice to be called pretty or elegant. I don't think I will ever be described as feminine but feedback on how i look using feminine terms is welcome. I am less keen as being addressed as "girl" but Susan is fine. Good luck.

[NicoleScott]

I think you should ask him how he wants to be directly addressed or indirectly referred to when en femme.

[CONSUELO]

Does he have a feminine name? Most of us here do and I like to be called by my feminine name when dressed. I also enjoy being addressed with other feminine terms of endearment. In some way we are creating a facsimile of a female by putting on clothing, makeup and by using feminine gestures. If a partner is happy to play a full part in that "role play" it is affirms acceptance and that means a lot.

Find out what your friend enjoys and especially find out if he has a feminine name that he likes to use when dressed. There are no particular rules or guidelines, just experiment with what feels natural and enjoyable.

Best wishes on what seems to be an exciting journey.

[Tahoegurl]

It is awesome that you are supportive and communicating. As long as you are speaking from the heart and you are speaking the same language it will all be OK. If you want to know how he feels...ask directly...be OK with the answers. You really are an inspiration to me.

[anna kate]

My wife addresses me as "Hon" in both modes, and I'm okay with that. When I'm going out, I'll ask for her opinion on my outfit. She'll say okay, or change this or that, but nothing about you look cute, or anything along those lines. Keeping in mind, that she is only tolerant of my dressing, that's probably a lot. I dress a lot at home, which she is okay with, but if I should happen to sit in a non ladylike manner, I hear about it loud and clear.

Lately, when we (she and I [I'm never enfemme when we're out together] ) go out, she will ask me what I think, of what she is wearing. Does this go with this or what? I express my opinion and she sometimes goes with my opinion, or not.

You being as supportive as you are, I don't think you can do anything wrong. Say what you feel and expect him to do the same.

[Littleg2]

Thank you all very much for the replies. I did expect there to be some variance, so I am guessing best to come right from him what he would like/prefer me to use.

I have never had an issue complimenting women when out in the world, at a bar, grocery store, the mall, where ever I am... I feel if someone puts time and effort into their appearance, which is often quite obvious, then it should be appreciated. I am polite and offer a complement on their look, attire, or just something nice in general, and don't think it's threatening or misconstrued. I feel I can be the same way with my bf when he is in female mode, freely complimenting him, but unless I'm sure, I'll be careful of the terms I use (thank you for that, Micki-Finn).

Does he have a feminine name?

To answer your question, CONSUELO, yes he (she) does have a feminine name, which he has told me. He even told me when he is dressed he takes on a different demeanor and personality traits. I have not met her yet, I have only seen pictures.

[Tracii G]

He is telling you the truth a lot do kind of have a switch go on when if full female mode so there may be mannerism changes but those are in a good way to complete the female illusion if you will.
If he has a female name then use it like you would anyone else when he is in girl mode do not use his male name when he is in girl mode.
Complimenting him in girl mode is totally appropriate.

[Aunt Kelly]

Ask.
She may be uncomfortable with it. She may not. She may be simply dying to hear someone tell her she's pretty. Yes, ask about the preferred pronouns too.

[natalie edwards]

Just be careful you're not enjoying it more than him. I understand you're trying to be helpful but it almost seems that you're in the pink fog.
Let him/her lead. Just let him know you're ok with it. Don't push your acceptance on him.

[Alice_2014_B]

I, like most all of us, love to be flattered!

Best thing is to be completely honest with someone.

I've gotten some hot compliments on my calves when I have done stand-up en femme from women.

Then a few weeks ago after our mile and a half run for a fit test on a training weekend, a guy in my squadron complimented on my calves.
He jokingly said he was distracted by them since he crossed the finish line right behind me; his compliment was definitely sincere though.

Then when he left there was one of the girls that saw my last stand-up; I was like, "If he only saw me last week in a dress and heels."

I get compliments both in and out of girl-mode and I love both!

[TheHiddenMe]

With the understanding that we are all different....

If I were your boyfriend, I wouldn't be as concerned with the specific terms as I would be with your attitude.

From reading your posts, you appear to be very accepting and open to your boyfriend being a CD. To me, that would supercede any terms you chose to use.

Look at it from his perspective. For the 25 years that you mention, he's been afraid to disclose this part of him to anyone, for fear of the repercussions. Along you come. He cares enough about you to tell his secret, and then you don't run away screaming. He's probably doing mental cartwheels. So the words don't mean much, but the feelings behind the words mean a whole bunch.

I've been married for 25 years, my wife has known I have an interest in CDing almost since we met 32 years ago, and she is tolerant, but not really approving. She doesn't want me to go out in public dressed, but I want to (I've started a few threads discussing my trips out). She has told me "lie to me", and so I do, even though I would prefer being honest with her. So I don't discuss things with her.

On the other hand, on my trips out I've met some sales agents (angels, all GG), who have befriended me and given me emotional support. I have their phone numbers, and occasionally exchange texts or pics. It's not the words they say (although those are complimentary), but the acceptance I value. As I have no one to talk to about this side of me (I am in the closet except to my wife), when I go out I do it solo, so I visit the places where these individuals work and I get to interact with them (or by text).

Meeting these people who accept me despite my dressing has been the absolute best part of getting out, even more than the fun clothes I have bought or tried on (and I love trying on clothes).

So, IMO, don't sweat the small details about what words you use. Your actions say plenty and are worth far more than words.

P.S. As to the analytical mind, I'm a retired CPA and anal accountant would describe me pretty well...so that works for me too. I wish my wife were more analytical about it but her reactions are mostly emotional (people will feel sorry for her if they find out she's married to a CD).

[Littleg2]

Oh dear... in an attempt to edit one word I managed to delete my own response...
(Still getting used to this site)

I won't bother trying to repeat the message, but I will say thank you for all of your kind responses.

[Tina_gm]

It's been said, but bear repeating that what you are doing that is most important, or definitely well should be most important is just being kind, gracious and supporting. More than likely he will like if you use feminine pronouns, but I don't think you have to and he should be ok if its just more comfortable for you to still refer to your partner in male pronouns. If you are ok with using the female ones and he likes you doing so then by all means.

En Femme is used a lot around her, as is drab which means male mode, and male mode and female mode are also used a lot. Personally, I am not into these types of terms much. It's not so much that they bother me as they simply don't apply as much to me, or I don't relate to them perhaps. I see nothing drab about men's clothing, but it does get used here a lot, I just don't. En femme is just a pretty way of saying dressed as a woman. And the modes, male or female which is basically the same.

What is most important is how you guys relate to each other. What you say to your partner in the form of a compliment and they to you is whatever it is that makes it special for you. I would concentrate more on that then getting pronouns and other terms correct.