Written a letter

[Tamsin Secret]

So yesterday I spent some time writing out a letter to my wife regarding my CD'ING. It was an idea I have seen on here a few times and the feeling I got was that it helps support you if the day comes to talk to her about my dressing.

It mainly focuses on what I thought would be the most pressing and alarming questions that she may think in the moments after I have told her.

It also reaffirms how I feel about her and is clear on my understanding that this will likley be a great shock but something that I hope by telling her we can talk further about together.

It was a little strange writing about what I do, I know I post on here but seeing it in my handwriting with the feeling of sore fingers and wrist from writing didn't fill me with dread rather more hope.

I don't know if I will ever show her or use it but I would say it was a useful excersize in confirming how I feel about all this.

In the meantime I will be putting it with the bag of things in my car, at least if I never find the courage to talk to her and my stuff is discovered there will be an explanation there for the finder.

MissS

[GretchenM]

Certainly not a bad thing to do, even for people who do not have our behavior pattern. Letters these days are so appreciated, especially when they are personal. Email and texting is so impersonal. It is up to you whether you show her the letter, but I think you should seriously consider doing that. Honesty and openness is always the best option, but it does carry a risk. It takes some courage and a careful assessment of the strength of your marriage. That said, secrets almost never help a marriage because sooner or later they get found out and people get very hurt by the revelation of the secret more than the actual behavior. Of course, revealing a secret that you have been having an affair for the last 3 years is never going to end well. Just make sure the letter avoids being demanding of her as that may be seen as being controlling. That never works, especially in this modern world. Emphasize the feelings, both the good feelings and the bad feelings of having been secretive. We often express only the facts and that often falls flat. But if you put it into the context of feelings, women in particular relate to that so much better than facts. Most people relate to that better. It tugs at sympathy and empathy. Good luck.

[Barbara Black]

I would also emphasize the importance of writing a letter for the above reasons. But I would also add that it may not be such a bad idea for someone who is already known to their SO. While we have had 'talks' about it, sometimes it becomes too confrontational, or just plain difficult to relate your feelings directly, and writing it down could help. There are things that are just not easy to say, such as correcting her on some of her beliefs, or just giving your side of it, even though I have brought it up to her before. My skills at explanation are minimal when I'm already emotional or embarrassed about the subject at hand. So maybe after writing it down, you may not want to wait to give it to them also.

[Teresa]

MissS,
I'm so pleased you took the trouble to write it all down.
I needed to come to terms with how it started for me, seeing it in writing is a great way of knowing the truth from any fantasies, in my case the long term dreams I was having at the time also had some relevance . It also helped when I saw my gender counsellor she read it all through and gained a clearer picture , her questions were more focused.
One day you will need to show the letter, but always be prepared to add to it or change it if your circumstances alter . We really do need to know ourselves to be able to come to terms with it and having it float round in our head as random thoughts isn't the way to do it. Writing it down will always do more good than harm, it shows you have taken the trouble to think about the situation in an attempt to explain it to yourself and others .

[Alice B]

That is very close to how I approached the subject with my wife and it worked very wel. The one thing that none of us know is the strength of your relationship, which has to be the deciding factor in if you do or do not give her the letter. In my case I not only wrote a letter, but included several articles on cross dressing for her to read, highlighting the important parts.

In my case I knew we had a strong relationship and that my wife likes to read and analize material. I hopr it goes well for you and being up front is always the best answer.

[NancySue]

Curious..does she know or suspect? If so, Yes..I recommend that you write your feelings down, then sleep on it for a time. Each day read your letter and edit. I do this. Pick a good, quiet time to give it to her. You'll be amazed how well this works, as you know moods in our world change. To this day, even though my wife is supportive, I will write her letters of my feelings, thoughts, desires...and yes, I sleep on them. Several, I'm thankful I did. It works for us...that's what counts. Best.

[susie d]

I have done this, not much was ever said about it, but we are now divorced and I don't know where it is! I looked diligently before she moved out too. Just beware it may come back to bite you later? Good luck.

[Dragster]

I too did that, and gave it to her about 20 years into our marriage. To say she was upset is a huge understatement; she took some time before she decided she could still live with me. We're still together, and enjoying every other aspect of our married life, 25+ years later, as long as she's never made aware of anything to do with my CDing. I have brought up the subject since, even bought "My Husband Betty" to help her to understand the subject and what it means to me, but she'd rather close her mind to the whole subject.

Good luck,
Tony

[Tamsin Secret]

Hi NancySue, I'm pretty sure she is not aware. I've been pretty good at hiding everything including my feelings. I've done a couple of things over the years to maybe raise suspicion i.e shaving legs however again I'm sure she has put this down to a random couple of acts and since I've let it grow back there really isn't anything to suggest it was anything else but that.

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Susie, in my letter I talk about others and suggest I'm not ashamed by it but understand it may have a negative impact on those around us. If all I had to worry about was myself I really don't think I would care about what others thought about it. But being married and with a close family these things need to be considered. If divorce was the upshot of all this (god forbid it isn't) then again I don't think I would care who knew.

My other great worry is burdening my children with the possibility of negativity. We all know how cruel school can be growing up and I would hate to have been the catalyst of any teasing they may (or not) have to deal with.

I don't think it would ever get to that but it's the extent of my thoughts on the whole thing.

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Hi Tony, I think this maybe a likley outcome for me too. I have dreams and aspirations for it to be more than that but am prepared (as I can be) that your scenario is more likley for me.

Only this morning I was thinking how nice it would be just to share a bottle of wine in the eve with her and we can mess around with make up etc etc.

I know this is unlikely but we can all have positive thoughts, I think sometimes it's those that keep us sane!

[leannejacobs]

I too went down the letter route, my wife and I were having a hard time and she knew I was hiding something, she thought an affair, so I took steps to come clean to her if necessary, I wrote the letter covering much of the same information that you covered, emphasising my heterosexuality and my love for her alone.

I wrote the letter for her to read or for me to read to her which I ended up doing, letters are great, you can put so much thought into it and not miss out any of the important details, the reading went fine and she wasn't too upset, where I feel I oversteppped was I took some photos of me dressed and showed them to her, mainly to show it wasn't perverted or provocative in any way,,, she didn't like it at all.

Moving forward, it was the best thing I could have done, telling her, now I have a brilliant accepting wife and get lots of encouragement from her to dress when she knows I need to, life is so much better now.

[Aemilie]

I've kept reading and re-reading this thread, and the advice everyone's added here for a fortnight or so now mostly because my wife found out about my crossdressing by accident (she thought I was having an affair), we talked at great length about it at the time and a lot since, but being a man I'm not very good at expressing myself so I wrote a letter to my wife explaining how I felt since she became aware of Millie, how I've felt all my life, I took ages over this, typing it into my office program, altering it often adding things as I thought of them, going into more detail etc, when I was happy with my novel I wrote it all out by hand put it in a nice envelope and gave it to her, she read it from start to finish and then had a bit of a cry, she agreed that I'd done better explaining my crossdressing side to her in a letter rather than talking about it, so I highly recomend this to anyone thinking of doing it, but only if your SO is accepting first as a letter is a permanent thing and last forever, you have been warned.

[Sarah Doepner]

I can't count the number of letters I wrote and destroyed, only to have my wife find out when I didn't have one ready to place in her hands. She ended up doing her own research and fortunately for me she found information that turned her toward support rather than condemnation. When I'm stressed I talk too much and my mouth gets dry and I repeat things, so a letter helps control for all of that.
So after she passed away I was back in the closet and trying to decide if I should tell my adult children. If I were to suddenly die or have a serious accident they would open the closet and lots of skeletons would confront them. So I wrote another letter and taped it to the dresser in the closet with their names on it. It stayed there for a very long time and I ended up telling them in person, one at a time. Of course three of the four already knew, but writing the letter helped me focus on the important parts and helped in dispelling popular misunderstandings about crossdressing and being transgender.

[Tracii G]

That is a great idea MS good for you.

[Gennifer in LA]

Looking back, I wished I had done the same, or gotten the courage to talk in person. She found out on her own and now, in addition to processing the dressing part, which she is hopefully working through, we have the added issue of the trust and keeping secrets from her. Good luck!