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Thread: Where do I fit in?

  1. #1
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Where do I fit in?

    (I'm new, so please forgive any unintended boo-boo's)
    I'm not sure where I fit in - or if anything I have to say has value here. What do you think?

    Years ago, I was fully transition bound (MTF) - therapy, electrolysis, hormones, "coming out" to family and friends... the whole deal.
    Surprisingly (to me), I got no major negative reactions. My sister even commented "I've always wanted a sister." Wow!


    Then one day it happened - I stopped!
    There is a whole laundry list of issues that added up to me olooking in the mirror one day and saying to myself "this isn't going to work for you".
    The biggest reasons were: an uncooperative physique, fear, and the ultimate killer - finances!

    These days I live with the longing, the "want", and yes, a certain amount of "need to", but I have found a delicate balance - living in my birth-gender role and only expressing my feminine self in private.

    So - am I in the right place, or should I tiptoe out and move on?

    Thank you for reading my ramblings,
    Sara

  2. #2
    Junior Member lynnmcarthur's Avatar
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    Dear Sara,

    You are in the right place and tell a story not terribly different than mine(I never got to the hormones and full transition). I think you would also find friends in the non-binary board here

    Lynn

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member LeannS's Avatar
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    Sara
    First off I want to welcome you here!!
    You are in the right place no need to tip toe here just be yourself.

    Sara you haven't rambled on enough as some of us have.

    Leann

  4. #4
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
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    Your brief story resonates with me. I'm glad you joined and I'm sure you fit in!

    Hugs, Bria

  5. #5
    Member JanePeterson's Avatar
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    I would have paid any price and done anything to facilitate my transition when the time came... the need to transition was all consuming and left 0 room for any other considerations other than as an afterthought. Not all transitioners experience such an extreme, but finding a comfortable place between full transition and private gender expression is inconsistent with my experience and that of others I have known in the TS bucket here.

  6. #6
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    Well said Jane; I agree with you completely. As a TS woman myself, that has been my experience too, as well as with other TS women I have personally known.

    But there's nothing wrong with not transitioning either. If you're able to find a balance between living as a male sometimes and living as a female sometimes and not transitioning at all, or just taking a few steps toward a transition but not transitioning full-time socially, then that's totally ok too. Maybe you're even luckier in some ways. There is no reason to do more than you need to do, as long as you are at peace with yourself.

    SaraLin, you may find more people who share similar experiences and perspectives with you in the 'TG/Gender Non-Binary' subforum here at CD.com. This is the 'Transsexual' subforum, and for TS women like Jane and me, it's all or nothing. We fully transition in every possible way to the opposite gender, or we become nothing (i.e. we choose death).
    Last edited by Mirya; 06-28-2017 at 03:34 PM.

  7. #7
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    to the Transsexual forums of crossdressers.com, Sara Lin

    You have come to the right place for support, but as some have said if you have managed to learn to live with an incomplete transition, you may find more people who understand what you are going through in the non binary section.

    Sometimes the language in here may seem a little robust, but it is normally because we want to offer true support (including challenging your thinking) rather than cheer-leading someone to destruction.

    Once you have access to PM, please feel free to ask a moderator if you are unsure about something - or you can use the private help forum even before that.

    We have a set of accepted definitions for use in the TS forums that you can find here this helps to avoid misunderstandings.

    I hope you will soon feel at home here
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

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  8. #8
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    To be clear, you fit in wherever you feel comfortable chatting on this site. We're all here to support you. While yes, people who live in the middle ground between binary genders may understand certain aspects of your experience, there may be other things that the folks on this board will understand better. You should feel free to discuss wherever you feel comfortable.

    I'll say that much like Mirya and Jane (and probably others), once I really came to understand who I was, there was nothing that was going to stand in my way (and in some cases I've been a bit like a runaway freight train with my transition). So my experience may be different from yours in that respect, but from your description I can certainly understand the daily struggle of needing to let your authentic self out but being confined by practicality and logistics.

    No matter where you determine you best fit, don't be afraid to cross over from time to time and talk to folks on other boards. And most importantly, welcome to the forum!!

  9. #9
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mirya View Post
    SaraLin, you may find more people who share similar experiences and perspectives with you in the 'TG/Gender Non-Binary' subforum here at CD.com. This is the 'Transsexual' subforum, and for TS women like Jane and me, it's all or nothing. We fully transition in every possible way to the opposite gender, or we become nothing (i.e. we choose death).
    Now I really feel alone. Not only does that forum seem to be empty - I can't even find it mentioned in the forum rules!
    Maybe I need to make more posts before I'm allowed in there?

    The funny thing is this: In an ironic sense, one of the big reasons I stopped my transition was because I couldn't see myself living "in the middle." In my case, if I couldn't be sure that I'd be able to FULLY transition to my soul-identity, then I needed to stay put.

    I'd been on hormones about a year, and enjoying the trip, but I was still getting spotted as "man in a dress" with distressing frequency. This was always a knife stab to my soul and since I'm prone to clinical depression, it was always a struggle to maintain. I know, I know, others' opinions/reactions shouldn't matter to me. But for me they do, and I can't help that.
    The one day at work, I was washing my hands and looked up at my reflection (male mode) and realized that 40+ years (at that time) of life in an unregulated male body had taken a toll that no amount of hormone therapy (or even surgeries, if I could afford them) would ever fix. My body was too far down the male path to divert to where I wanted it to be.

    I don't know how long I cried, but eventually, I realized that in my case, my outside life is set to male -regardless of what my heart screams out. I've made my peace with it, and live a pleasant enough life this way - though joy and passion are missing or faded these days.

    One final thought... Yes, death has been a consideration lots of times. But because of my spiritual beliefs, suicide isn't an option. If I take the easy way out, Karma will make sure that I get to repeat the lesson again (and again?!) until I work my way through whatever lessons I'm here to learn. And I'm sure you'll understand me when I say that I don't to go through this pain a second time if I can avoid it.

    Sorry. Getting a bit gloomy here. I'll quit for now.

    Thanks for listening,
    Sara

  10. #10
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    you are clearly suffering..

    what can you do to suffer less?? one thing for sure is finding support...


    people say "dont transition unless you have to"... they mean it..

    unspoken is how many of us "had to", and how many of us fought struggled self harmed wallowed in self pity howled at moon trying to stop it....
    we suffer co morbidity... depression anxiety acting out addiction...and many of us have started stopped started etc.....
    so there is a cold hard reality and that must be considered

    and for those who made it through all that , there is a certain hard word to give out which is dont do it, but if you have to, go all out...all roadblocks must be run over.....
    sounds kind of trite actually but it seems to sum it up...

    but frankly this advice works much better from the other side...when looking back...

    anyway..i hope you feel good about yourself and your choices as of now... the world is not black and white, time will change your circumstance...and if you can make it till "then"...(whatever "Then" is)... you'll know what to do...you'll accept more deeply your circumstance or take action to change it..

    you are FAR FAR FAR from alone..here or anywhere else


    i think its unfair to look at your story and say "non - binary" or any other judgement regarding who and what you are ....
    I am real

  11. #11
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    Saralin, this website is a little unique in that there was no subforum for TG, so someone put forth the suggestion and a few of us lobbied for a catch all "more than a CD, not a TS but i have gender issues forum".

    The TS subforum is very much geared to the transioning or transitioned TS folks, and the general attitude is very direct about the pitfalls and travails of transitioning. Which when read as a counterbalance to the cheerleading forums and sites that are out there is pretty damn important given what's at stake.

    For me, i tend to post in the TG non binary forum, though i am very binary- I have wished i was female for pretty much my whole life, though i did not feel much GD until ~16 months ago, at which point it came on with a vengeance. I too have a physique that in part will not lend itself well to being a cute petite woman, but I don't see that as an obstacle to transition, because on days when the GD is bad i couldn't care less how i would look,as long as society and I perceived me and I was living as a woman.

    I did get a little flack for posting a fairly TS topic in the TG forum but the mod and others confirmed it was fine there.

    I'm still holding out hope the GD will recede and i can be content as a weekend warrior, or ideally the gender issues go away entirely and i never think about it again. but i really doubt that will happen.

    Post wherever you like, keep the above in mind, welcome and good luck. It's a tough road we travel and knowing there are fellow travelers helps.
    Last edited by Nikki.; 06-29-2017 at 11:40 AM.

  12. #12
    Senior Member KellyJameson's Avatar
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    Transsexuals have always existed but physical transitioning is relatively recent. They did not all commit suicide and I suspect many found ways to have fulfilling lives.

    I personally have wondered how someone could be transsexual and transition knowing that they would still not be able to live and experience life fully as a woman. It would seem likely to increase rather than decrease the suffering by dangling something in front of them that could never be acquired.

    A person who is transgender could do it but not someone born as a transsexual trapped on the opposite side of the binary. The binary is not the spectrum for a transsexual.

    IMO for a transsexual it is all or nothing. In my mind your words actually mean you are transsexual and could not tolerate the concept of being trapped in the middle which could be worse than being trapped on the wrong side of the binary.

    Not a politically correct way of talking on my part, but one that is logical.
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  13. #13
    Aspiring Member grace7777's Avatar
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    Sara, if you do not feel comfortable about transitioning, then you should not do it.

    For me living in the middle is something I could not do. I did try it, and was hoping it would provide satisfaction, but it did not. So, then I decided transitioning is what I needed to pursue. Before starting transitioning I put myself thru many tests to make sure I could handle it.

    I wish you all the best in the future.
    Last edited by grace7777; 06-30-2017 at 03:13 PM. Reason: Spelling

  14. #14
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KellyJameson View Post
    Transsexuals have always existed but physical transitioning is relatively recent. They did not all commit suicide and I suspect many found ways to have fulfilling lives.
    I'm sorry but I have to disagree with that last part. Maybe they found a way to live a productive life, but a fulfilling life? I don't believe it's possible for a transsexual to live a fulfilling life without transitioning, regardless of the era they lived in.

    Sometimes I wonder what TS women did before modern medicine. They couldn't transition, so what did they do to manage their gender dysphoria? I admit that I'm speculating a bit here, but I suspect that many of them became monks. Of course none of them would have admitted it, and certainly there would be no written record of it, but if you think about it, it makes sense. By isolating themselves from society and living in a monastery (away from any women), and living a life devoted to their religion with single-minded focus, maybe they could keep the torture of gender dysphoria at bay. Or if not a monk, maybe a hermit who lived in the forest or mountains all by himself.

  15. #15
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    you are clearly suffering..

    what can you do to suffer less?? one thing for sure is finding support...


    people say "dont transition unless you have to"... they mean it..
    Thanks hon for your concern, but I'm OK, really. I've made peace with my situation and have accepted where/what I am - even though it isn't what I would have chosen (even on a bad day).

    Trying to think of an analogy, I guess the end of my transition plans could best be compared to the death of a loved one. It hurts. I mourn. I recover.
    I think back to the good times. And I keep mementos of my lost love (outfits, etc.) And while I would love to be able to have her back fully in my life again, I'm not willing to sell my soul (give up the life I now have) to do it.

    Life goes on. So do I. I'm safe, financially OK, reasonably content, and - best of all - loved. Life is good. I'm doing alright... even if I am stuck in the wrong body for the remainder of this life. There's always next time, right?

    ALSO -the folks here are right, I'd probably be a better fit over in the non-binary area, so I'll be spending more efforts there than here. But a bit THANK YOU to everyone who has welcomed me.

  16. #16
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaraLin View Post
    Trying to think of an analogy, I guess the end of my transition plans could best be compared to the death of a loved one. It hurts. I mourn. I recover.
    I think back to the good times. And I keep mementos of my lost love (outfits, etc.) And while I would love to be able to have her back fully in my life again, I'm not willing to sell my soul (give up the life I now have) to do it.
    The bold emphasis is mine. I hope that the implication is not that we (transsexuals) are giving up our souls to transition. And I hope that others do not understand it to be that way, because it's actually the complete opposite. As a TS woman, the core of my being is female. So by transitioning, I didn't lose my soul, I gained it. Everything else is secondary to being true to who I really am.

  17. #17
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    yes Mirya...plus infinity
    i dont think people realize what they are saying and like to talk about it but when it comes down to it, its talk...

    You summed up the whole thing beautifully

    i stayed true to my soul...if you think I sold my soul and gave up my life you are in the wrong place..
    I am real

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    My soul was trapped in the facade I was forcing myself to live within. Embracing my transsexuality was my only way to be free. I think we need to listen to the uncensored thoughts that we write down. It speaks volumes to our true feelings and oftentimes gives us insights to what we really feel.
    Last edited by jentay1367; 07-04-2017 at 12:27 AM.

  19. #19
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mirya View Post
    The bold emphasis is mine. I hope that the implication is not that we (transsexuals) are giving up our souls to transition.
    OH GOD NO!!! I was trying to get all 'lost loves' analogy here and never considered it could be taken that way. My "soul selling" analogy was meant only in the sense I stated it - giving up the live I have now.

    If I'm honest with myself, I know that in my real soul, I'm a girl. But being honest with myself also means that in my case, I'm better off being "stuck" where I am than pushing forward.

    I honestly never intended any slight on anyone else, and I am sorry if anyone took it that way.
    Words are funny things. What was in the writer's mind all-too-often doesn't end up being what arrives in the reader's mind

    Again - rather than to keep accidentally stepping on toes, I'm moving to non-binary.
    Last edited by SaraLin; 07-04-2017 at 06:17 AM. Reason: added a final thought

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaraLin View Post
    Again - rather than to keep accidentally stepping on toes, I'm moving to non-binary.
    Stick around, Hon....another sentient voice is a wecome addition to the crowd. Your perspective is interesting if not totally aligned. We're all made of pretty tough stuff and our toes are pretty numb at this point anyway :wink:

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