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Thread: Transition will hurt others. I'm so scared

  1. #1
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Transition will hurt others. I'm so scared

    I said I would never transition.
    Life threatening depression prompted me to get professional help.
    After one session with the most highly regarded gender therapist in Houston the diagnosis is certain.
    The prognosis is not good - unless I transition.
    Transition will hurt so many loved ones.
    I am so scared.

  2. #2
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Jeri, your consideration for others is laudable, but have you considered the impact on them if you don't transition?
    Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.

    This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any

    Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist

    Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity

  3. #3
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    exactly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    you have the right to live your life...

    if people are hurt, its truly their issue...

    if there are things you've promised or been dishonest about that's understandable...but you are all gonna have to work through that..


    the prognosis is real... there seems to be a tipping point where the person that repressed for a long time simply runs out of gas...
    you feel it, you know it... how much gas is left ??
    I am real

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rianna Humble View Post
    Jeri, your consideration for others is laudable, but have you considered the impact on them if you don't transition?
    That is why I got help.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    exactly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    you have the right to live your life...

    if people are hurt, its truly their issue...

    if there are things you've promised or been dishonest about that's understandable...but you are all gonna have to work through that..


    the prognosis is real... there seems to be a tipping point where the person that repressed for a long time simply runs out of gas...
    you feel it, you know it... how much gas is left ??
    I know all of these things. It is still painful. I also know that I don't have enough gas to get out of the driveway. The male persona that I created and played for so long can't continue. The play has ended and this actress has to retire from acting, she has a life to live.

    Thank you both for being concerned enough to share your wisdom.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 07-01-2017 at 07:22 AM.

  5. #5
    Madam Ambassador Heidi Stevens's Avatar
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    Stay true to yourself Jeri. We have talked about trying to stay in both worlds and remain sane. It is a tightrope walk and staying on it is a mater of love of others and self preservation. You get hurt no matter what side you fall off on. Fall towards not hurting your love ones and you get hurt. Come the other way and those closest to you are puzzled by your selfishness.
    I have a focus on my tightrope walk, my wife. Focusing on her and finding myself is extremely hard. I know that if my focus, my wife, leaves my life, I will fall to the side of taking care of me.
    That said, it appears that your focus to stay on that wire has shifted. You seem to want to fall toward the take care of me side. Remember, falling either way is going to hurt. If you're lucky you're on a slack line just a few feet off the ground, those who love you will be ready to help. If you're on a tightrope high over Niagra falls, your friends and love ones totally abandon you, it will fall far and hard. That's the hurt you fear.
    It's never clear when or where to jump. You just have to trust the advice given to you by professionals and sense how those you love feel about it when you jump off that line. Trust your inner self and follow. Gird yourself for the fall and if you've prepared for the change, you will do just fine. Good luck to you! I hope you're on a slack line!
    Be yourself. Everyone else is taken!

  6. #6
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Thanks Heidi. What a true friend you are. If I fall one way I live. If I fall the other way I will not, at least mentally and emotionally if not...

    Statistically it is a wonder we are still here. As many as half don't make it as long as we have. It is a testament to our strength, according to the therapist. That strength comes at a cost. I have not only paid the price, I have gone into debt . I've got none left for others. I can't be what they are accustom to. I hope I can find some strength for me.

    I have come out to one daughter and later, one on one, with her husband. They still love me. I will come clean with my other daughter Monday.

    I have come out to my only sister. She has been amazing. She is the foundation of my support. She has made me pinky promise not to ... She has demanded a state of the mind email from me every morning. And, she wants to meet face to face after every session with the therapist. I travel two hours to appointments and she travels one hour to meet me.

    My sister talks about a much better future and a better relationship between us, something we have not had. She talks about going on road trips together. She has never had a girlfriend who could get away. And, she calls me sis already. All of these things have transpired in the last ten days.

    It is still hard, and scary.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 07-01-2017 at 08:38 AM.

  7. #7
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    It's funny how we always expect the worst. But, honestly, a person suffering from a need to transition is not a very pleasant person to be around -- they're in a dark place. When you transition, you come out into the light. You can't help but be a better person -- you're happy. People like to be around happy people. In the end, after initial turbulence, taking care of yourself is the kindest thing you can do for those around you. Good luck.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  8. #8
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    Until you are in a safe place, you can't help anyone else.

    You *are*. You exist. You do NOT need to be sorry.

    If there are consequences for others, then that stinks. However, you can't just pretend to be something for the sake of other people, even people you love. If they really love you, then they will say 'ok' and move forward. It isn't like you are telling people 'Hey!! I'm a cannibal!'

    Per Pat, you need to be happy. Happy with yourself, else you are just going to fume. In that case, you may be a cannibal, but you are only eating yourself.

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  9. #9
    Madam Ambassador Heidi Stevens's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeri Ann View Post
    I have come out to one daughter and later, one on one, with her husband. They still love me. I will come clean with my other daughter Monday.

    I have come out to my only sister. She has been amazing. She is the foundation of my support. She has made me pinky promise not to ... She has demanded a state of the mind email from me every morning. And, she wants to meet face to face after every session with the therapist. I travel two hours to appointments and she travels one hour to meet me.

    My sister talks about a much better future and a better relationship between us, something we have not had. She talks about going on road trips together. She has never had a girlfriend who could get away. And, she calls me sis already. All of these things have transpired in the last ten days.

    It is still hard, and scary.
    You are very blessed to have a family like that Jeri. Turns out the family has helped you off a slack line that you thought was high above disaster. Good luck with your last daughter. If I know sisters though, the one in the know has already told the other! 😀
    Be yourself. Everyone else is taken!

  10. #10
    Emerging Diva Nikki A.'s Avatar
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    Jeri Ann I wish you peace and happiness in your decision. We are always thinking of the worst, but, it seems that everything seems to turn out OK in the end.

  11. #11
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    What good are you to anyone if you're not whole and real? Whom do you live for?

  12. #12
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    Jeri Ann, I only hope the best for you and if you go this route. Be who you really are and don't look back. Sounds like you are being accepted already and have a good relationship with your sister. That is fantastic girl. You have a lot to live for.
    Part Time Girl

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member grace7777's Avatar
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    Jeri Ann,

    Like you, at one time I thought I would never transition, but I found that living a double life was not working. Having to present as male became very depressing. I looked for a solution short of transitioning, but there was not one. Plus, you can never please everyone all the time. I wish you all the best.

    Grace
    Last edited by Nigella; 07-02-2017 at 01:42 AM. Reason: edited name

  14. #14
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    Yes, it is hard, and scary, and sometimes even sad. But if it wasn't any of these things then there would be no achievement, no satisfaction, no growth in yourself that you were able to face the fear and the sadness and lookout in the eye and say "I know you, you're real, but you won't control me. I will control my own destiny".

    Best wishes. It get's better, in place of the fear and sadness come strength and joy that can be hard to describe.

  15. #15
    Living MY Life Rachel Smith's Avatar
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    Believe you me there is most likely not one of us here that has transitioned that has not worried about how much it would hurt those around us, myself included. It also didn't work out perfectly for us either. I have lost some in my family and some friends but you need to have somewhat of a thick skin and a cest`la vie attitude. Like has been said about many things "if it were easy everyone would do it". I only hope you don't do like I did and not realize what is the correct action, transition or not transition, until after you have sunk so deep into depression that you think death is the lesser of two evils. I say this next sentence speaking from experience; Without a doubt that WILL hurt ALL those that love and care for you.

    This is not a choice to be made willy nilly, like after one visit with a therapist. I do not care if it was with the best therapist in the world. Then again I don't feel the best therapist in the world would tell you after one visit that transition is your answer. Do you know who told me I could find my answer through transition ME. I saw 3 therapists and not one of them told me to transition. It took many sessions and 2 years for ME and I only arrived there with their helping me to explore my inner most feelings to for ME to come to a decision. It also is a choice that is extremely hard to undo I would think.

    Now I don't know you from Eve and I am not saying you should or should't transition that is a decision for you and you alone, with the help of a good counselor, to decide but certainly not after one or two visits.

    Back to you original question. It is like every decision magnified 1,000 times some will like it and some won't. Some will stand by you and some will hate you and never speak to you again. In the end all you can do is explain yourself to all of them but don't let them inform you decision. The decision is yours.

    Hugs
    Rachel
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    I am so happy to read about the support from your sister. You are lucky to have each other. Having even one person in your life to show you that level of support and love makes a huge difference. Please tell her thanks from yourself and from us !!!

  17. #17
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Today I came out to my daughter and her husband. I was blown away by their love, concern and support. My worst fears have been unfounded. Still, it will not be easy for anyone.

    In two days I have another appointment with my therapist.

  18. #18
    Member Tommie.'s Avatar
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    I live in Midland Jeri and one of my sons in Houston... I came out over the last three months.... it has been the worst and hardest thing I have ever done and I cannot candy coat it in any way.... all I can say is I agree with those above.... what choice do we really have.... I have been repeatedly surprised who continued to have a relationship with me and those who terminated it... the worst was family.... I am still trying to recover with my children but my loving spouse has held in there.... I wish you only the best and just keep looking forward.... blessings on you and yours.... know we here understand and are with you.... tommie
    Enjoy our new life and seek peace Give love and kindness to others Live patience, self control, humility each day

  19. #19
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Tommie,

    Several girls have reached out to me as a result of my recent posts. In every case they are hurting because some family, usually kids, have not accepted their coming out. Hardly ever does anyone mention what they come out as? Crossdresser, transsexual? Or, how they were told. Opening up to loved ones must be done face to face at all costs for the best outcome. It is not a guarantee but it is the best way.

    Everyone in my family is a product (victim) of the most intolerant culture, as a whole, on the planet. The therapist in Houston hates to get a client from Jefferson county Texas. How and why my kids and their spouses love me so much I have no idea. When I figure it out I will write a book. My wife is another story. I can't continue pretending to be what she expects and she in no way can she accept what and who I really am.

    Hang in there. If there was ever authentic love between you and your son, love will prevail. Keep loving him and let him know in any way possible. You are fortunate to have a loving spouse.

    Stay in touch. Message me if you would like my email.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 07-25-2017 at 04:50 AM.

  20. #20
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    The central aspect of all this is being able to feel alive/authentic (my words...but you get the drift)

    Its a very very vulnerable time for all of us...and during all that our relationships go every which way...we challenge people....

    all you can do is get through it and really accept that this is part of being real.... and if you can be real, if you can thrive, then others come around... and if they don't....as my therapist said once.."i'll burn a candle for you, but you gotta move on"
    and followed with helping me look towards my authentic self as my trusted inner source ....not count on relationships to define me like i counted on them to perpetuate my fraud
    and that's a work in progress 8 yrs later LOL..
    I am real

  21. #21
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    The central aspect of all this is being able to feel alive/authentic (my words...but you get the drift)
    Kaitlyn,

    Thank you for your comments. Doing life authentically is what I started doing about two years ago. It was a matter of do it or die. I could not go on without experiencing life as my real self. The art of deception, that I had perfected in order to hide my true female identity all my life, became useful when finding ways to escape the life and persona I had created. The excursions were covert and brief, at first, until I began connecting with some of the Houston girls, especially Lauri K. I have made some amazing friends who accept me and love me, the real me. As I experienced this new life more and more, the imitation of life became so shallow. Not to mention the fact that I was absolutely spent and could not continue the masquerade any longer. I began to realize that in order to survive it had to be as me, not him.

    We are proceeding slowly and cautiously. There is a lot at stake here. But, I have come to realize that the most important thing at stake here is me. If love continues to prevail, as it has so far, then with my loved ones we will move toward a new kind of normal. Without me there can't be a future that involves me.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 07-25-2017 at 04:51 AM.

  22. #22
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    I went to my therapist yesterday. When she came in to the waiting area, I assume from lunch, she looked at me, smiled and went in to her office area. I waited and waited for her to come out and get me but she didn't. I finally rang the buzzer to remind her that I was there. She opened the door, looked around (there were several other women in there), and started to go back in the office area. She caught herself and realized who I was. Not being recognized by your therapist is pretty darned confirming. Several times, during the session she apologized for not recognizing me and complemented me on how amazingly passable I was. That was the high light of the day.

    When we were done I knew that I had to face reality. When I got home we had the talk. A rough night folded into a rough morning. We have come to the difficult conclusion, finally, that we can't be what the other needs. I have known this for a long time. Of course, I have been the one living with this horrible condition that had to be kept secret. I have been in denial for a long time. It was hard for me to get out of denial. I have been so accustomed to it. I have had a lifetime of experience with it.

    So now we will move on. She will go to her daughter's for a few days. I have another appointment with my therapist today. Tomorrow we will start disassembling a life. We have decided to work together and divide things equally. Her share is less than half of my retirement but my share of our investment accounts is way less than half. Some of it is inheritance that I have no right to at all. So, 50-50 is probably a good deal. Dividing everything legally might cost as much as $20000 and be an unpleasant experience with permanent consequences. Everything else is just stuff- one for you, one for me. We will sell off what we can't, or don't want to, bring into our respective futures.

    When we have everything set we will go to an attorney to initiate a no-fault divorce. What a horrible word that is - divorce.

    She slept in the other room last night. That was after I held her and rocked her. So weird. I wish someone would rock me.*He would have to be a pretty big dude. This morning she fixed my coffee and I fixed the second round. More weird. It is time now for us to take Rico(Schnauzer) walking. He doesn't know yet that soon he will not have his house and yard, his kingdom.

    Jeri Ann

  23. #23
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    you are talking about alot of feelings that i went through..

    i recall the day before i left(she divorced me...i didnt want it), my wife at the time said.."im going to miss you".... to be honest...those words are still a knife in my heart... highlighting her feelings... she didnt do anything except trust me

    years later we are best friends...we get along wonderfully and do things together...she still has our dog...i got a new one for me.... we live 5 miles away from each other..
    our kids are good...etc....
    I am real

  24. #24
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Kaitlyn,

    Thank you so much for sharing. Your comments have been so helpful.

  25. #25
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
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    Jeri, I'm so sad for you and for your wife. I'd hug you if I were there, since I'm not I'll remember you in my prayers.

    Hugs, Bria

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