Transition will hurt others. I'm so scared

[Jeri Ann]

I said I would never transition.
Life threatening depression prompted me to get professional help.
After one session with the most highly regarded gender therapist in Houston the diagnosis is certain.
The prognosis is not good - unless I transition.
Transition will hurt so many loved ones.
I am so scared.

[Rianna Humble]

Jeri, your consideration for others is laudable, but have you considered the impact on them if you don't transition?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

exactly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

you have the right to live your life...

if people are hurt, its truly their issue...

if there are things you've promised or been dishonest about that's understandable...but you are all gonna have to work through that..


the prognosis is real... there seems to be a tipping point where the person that repressed for a long time simply runs out of gas...
you feel it, you know it... how much gas is left ??

[Jeri Ann]

Jeri, your consideration for others is laudable, but have you considered the impact on them if you don't transition?

That is why I got help.

exactly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

you have the right to live your life...

if people are hurt, its truly their issue...

if there are things you've promised or been dishonest about that's understandable...but you are all gonna have to work through that..


the prognosis is real... there seems to be a tipping point where the person that repressed for a long time simply runs out of gas...
you feel it, you know it... how much gas is left ??

I know all of these things. It is still painful. I also know that I don't have enough gas to get out of the driveway. The male persona that I created and played for so long can't continue. The play has ended and this actress has to retire from acting, she has a life to live.

Thank you both for being concerned enough to share your wisdom.

[Heidi Stevens]

Stay true to yourself Jeri. We have talked about trying to stay in both worlds and remain sane. It is a tightrope walk and staying on it is a mater of love of others and self preservation. You get hurt no matter what side you fall off on. Fall towards not hurting your love ones and you get hurt. Come the other way and those closest to you are puzzled by your selfishness.
I have a focus on my tightrope walk, my wife. Focusing on her and finding myself is extremely hard. I know that if my focus, my wife, leaves my life, I will fall to the side of taking care of me.
That said, it appears that your focus to stay on that wire has shifted. You seem to want to fall toward the take care of me side. Remember, falling either way is going to hurt. If you're lucky you're on a slack line just a few feet off the ground, those who love you will be ready to help. If you're on a tightrope high over Niagra falls, your friends and love ones totally abandon you, it will fall far and hard. That's the hurt you fear.
It's never clear when or where to jump. You just have to trust the advice given to you by professionals and sense how those you love feel about it when you jump off that line. Trust your inner self and follow. Gird yourself for the fall and if you've prepared for the change, you will do just fine. Good luck to you! I hope you're on a slack line!

[Jeri Ann]

Thanks Heidi. What a true friend you are. If I fall one way I live. If I fall the other way I will not, at least mentally and emotionally if not...

Statistically it is a wonder we are still here. As many as half don't make it as long as we have. It is a testament to our strength, according to the therapist. That strength comes at a cost. I have not only paid the price, I have gone into debt . I've got none left for others. I can't be what they are accustom to. I hope I can find some strength for me.

I have come out to one daughter and later, one on one, with her husband. They still love me. I will come clean with my other daughter Monday.

I have come out to my only sister. She has been amazing. She is the foundation of my support. She has made me pinky promise not to ... She has demanded a state of the mind email from me every morning. And, she wants to meet face to face after every session with the therapist. I travel two hours to appointments and she travels one hour to meet me.

My sister talks about a much better future and a better relationship between us, something we have not had. She talks about going on road trips together. She has never had a girlfriend who could get away. And, she calls me sis already. All of these things have transpired in the last ten days.

It is still hard, and scary.

[Pat]

It's funny how we always expect the worst. But, honestly, a person suffering from a need to transition is not a very pleasant person to be around -- they're in a dark place. When you transition, you come out into the light. You can't help but be a better person -- you're happy. People like to be around happy people. In the end, after initial turbulence, taking care of yourself is the kindest thing you can do for those around you. Good luck.

[mechamoose]

Until you are in a safe place, you can't help anyone else.

You *are*. You exist. You do NOT need to be sorry.

If there are consequences for others, then that stinks. However, you can't just pretend to be something for the sake of other people, even people you love. If they really love you, then they will say 'ok' and move forward. It isn't like you are telling people 'Hey!! I'm a cannibal!'

Per Pat, you need to be happy. Happy with yourself, else you are just going to fume. In that case, you may be a cannibal, but you are only eating yourself.

- MM

[Heidi Stevens]

I have come out to one daughter and later, one on one, with her husband. They still love me. I will come clean with my other daughter Monday.

I have come out to my only sister. She has been amazing. She is the foundation of my support. She has made me pinky promise not to ... She has demanded a state of the mind email from me every morning. And, she wants to meet face to face after every session with the therapist. I travel two hours to appointments and she travels one hour to meet me.

My sister talks about a much better future and a better relationship between us, something we have not had. She talks about going on road trips together. She has never had a girlfriend who could get away. And, she calls me sis already. All of these things have transpired in the last ten days.

It is still hard, and scary.

You are very blessed to have a family like that Jeri. Turns out the family has helped you off a slack line that you thought was high above disaster. Good luck with your last daughter. If I know sisters though, the one in the know has already told the other! 😀

[Nikki A.]

Jeri Ann I wish you peace and happiness in your decision. We are always thinking of the worst, but, it seems that everything seems to turn out OK in the end.

[Jeri Ann]

Sandra we could stay together. She asked me what it would take to stay together. I told her to not leave, stay with me on this journey. We might be partners, girlfriends or roommates. She said that we couldn't do that where we live. I told her that I knew that, we would have to relocate. She said that she couldn't leave her church and friends. So there you are.

[Rita Leigh]

Jeri Ann, you have all the best wishes I and many others can make...to help along this journey of life. It will never be over but it sounds like your possibilities are really opening up for the better. My God bless you in your life with friends and family who care for you to be your authenticate self. Rita Leigh, (another Houstonian)

[Mirya]

Is your health insurance plan an HMO? Is that why you need to get a referral in order to be approved for therapy?

I have an HMO now, but last year (when I saw a therapist) I had a PPO. I could just go to any therapist I wanted, whenever I wanted. But even then, I still had to pay $120 per therapy session out of my own pocket. It really adds up!

[Tommie.]

Jeri am working on the same thing with a local psychologist... my insurance will pay for nothing and expressly says anything associated with or a result of gender dysphoria will not be approved. So far I have found nothing reasonable and certainly not cheap about transitioning. I can't find enough spare money for anything really significant and will eventually be looking at a loan for FFS. As far as family I have lost all save my spouse but that is somewhat like yours was... the relationship is changed and nothing like it was... loneliness in the trans community is ever present.... we have to find friends and activities just like you are to rebuild our lives... I am trying to do that now and so far the LGBT community has taken me in and loved me as I am... invited me to things... church activities too.... I see you do the same but the deep, feeding relationships, are still needed to not feel lonely... and hard to replace. Anyway, you are not alone... love you.... tommie

[jentay1367]

What good are you to anyone if you're not whole and real? Whom do you live for?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

What a thread indeed. Thank you Jeri for sharing your remarkable story.

[Dana44]

Jeri Ann, I only hope the best for you and if you go this route. Be who you really are and don't look back. Sounds like you are being accepted already and have a good relationship with your sister. That is fantastic girl. You have a lot to live for.

[grace7777]

Jeri Ann,

Like you, at one time I thought I would never transition, but I found that living a double life was not working. Having to present as male became very depressing. I looked for a solution short of transitioning, but there was not one. Plus, you can never please everyone all the time. I wish you all the best.

Grace

[mary spence]

Best of luck, Jeri. I know you have the strength to follow your destiny. You will come out happier and at peace.

[Pat]

So sorry to hear of the turmoil in your life. Here's hoping it passes in its time and you end up in a place of joy.

[Rachel Smith]

I went through the same Jeri but we didn't sell the house I just let her assume the mortgage and keep what I couldn't get in my truck in 3 trips. When we first started I didn't think it would ever get better but I did and it will for you too.

[Rachel Smith]

How come I wasn't invited, Enjoy the time together.

[Rianna Humble]

I'll echo Rachel's comment! I love roasted garlic. Just curious though, how do you get home-made yeast?

[Kate T]

Yes, it is hard, and scary, and sometimes even sad. But if it wasn't any of these things then there would be no achievement, no satisfaction, no growth in yourself that you were able to face the fear and the sadness and lookout in the eye and say "I know you, you're real, but you won't control me. I will control my own destiny".

Best wishes. It get's better, in place of the fear and sadness come strength and joy that can be hard to describe.

[Rachel Smith]

Believe you me there is most likely not one of us here that has transitioned that has not worried about how much it would hurt those around us, myself included. It also didn't work out perfectly for us either. I have lost some in my family and some friends but you need to have somewhat of a thick skin and a cest`la vie attitude. Like has been said about many things "if it were easy everyone would do it". I only hope you don't do like I did and not realize what is the correct action, transition or not transition, until after you have sunk so deep into depression that you think death is the lesser of two evils. I say this next sentence speaking from experience; Without a doubt that WILL hurt ALL those that love and care for you.

This is not a choice to be made willy nilly, like after one visit with a therapist. I do not care if it was with the best therapist in the world. Then again I don't feel the best therapist in the world would tell you after one visit that transition is your answer. Do you know who told me I could find my answer through transition ME. I saw 3 therapists and not one of them told me to transition. It took many sessions and 2 years for ME and I only arrived there with their helping me to explore my inner most feelings to for ME to come to a decision. It also is a choice that is extremely hard to undo I would think.

Now I don't know you from Eve and I am not saying you should or should't transition that is a decision for you and you alone, with the help of a good counselor, to decide but certainly not after one or two visits.

Back to you original question. It is like every decision magnified 1,000 times some will like it and some won't. Some will stand by you and some will hate you and never speak to you again. In the end all you can do is explain yourself to all of them but don't let them inform you decision. The decision is yours.

Hugs
Rachel