40 years is enough!

[RobinCA]

Tomorrow I am finally going to make an appointment to see a transgender psychologist. I can no longer fight or suppress the other person in my mind screaming to let her out. Every time I do suppress her, it works for a little while and when she comes back it’s more intense every time. I can’t take it anymore. I feel as if I’m tearing myself apart from the inside out. I’m on the verge of tears as I’m writing this. Some kind words and support might do some good right now. I’m so freaking scared right now I’m trembling. I don’t know what it will be like finally taking the steps to talk to a professional, but I know I can’t live like this anymore. I hope this doesn't turn my world and my reality upside down, I’m on a fine line right now. How has it been for those of you that have finally sought out help?

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Robin,

Your struggle is very familiar. It will get worse if not dealt with. I'm glad you will make an appointment tomorrow. I almost waited too long to get help. The therapist will help you sort things out. It may take a long time. Hang in there. Message me if you need to.

[AlyssaJ]

Robin, at 39 years old, with a wife, three kids, a good job and living in a very conservative suburb I reached the same point you're at and finally decided I needed to address what I had been struggling with for so long. So in September of last year I came out to my wife and made an appointment with a therapist. It's been an crazy roller coaster ride since. In February of this year, after peeling away layer and layer and layer of shame and denial, I finally came to terms with the fact that I am transsexual and need to transition. Despite knowing this would destroy my marriage, potentially damage my career, and all the other risks involved, I knew that I had to go down this path or I wouldn't survive another 5 years.

It has not been all wine and roses. I've had some great experiences but I've also hit rock bottom. I was at the top of an 8 story observation tower with a pistol in my hand, but chose not to jump or pull the trigger. Instead I rededicated myself to living the life I've always denied myself. I've met great people so far, I've really enjoyed every moment I get to spend as my authentic self, and I've found amazing levels of support in some unexpected places. I'm closer with my mom and sisters than I've ever been. My kids really appreciate the changes in me since starting HRT in March (I'm told I'm much calmer and have more empathy now).

Now I'm only 3 months into medical transition but so far the only regrets I have are about things I did before I decided to transition. I truly wish I had come to terms with my gender much earlier, but I've also accepted that this is my time to shine and I'm going to do that.

IDK if you'll find it helpful, especially since I'm just getting started, but I struggled to find other people who were my age (almost 35-45) when they started their transition who were willing to share their stories publicly. So I've started my own blog to try and help fill that gap. I've only just begun so there isn't really any wisdom in what I'm posting but if it helps to hear of another's experience who is your same age, check it out. https://transitionat40.com

You've taken the first step, it's a crazy journey but one certainly worth taking. In just this short time I've found so much happiness I didn't know existed, I'm confident you can do the same. Take it at your pace, whatever that is. Don't let anyone else control your decisions. Its a hard thing to focus on self-love but that's a skill your therapist will help you master. Good luck and congratulations on making the choice to be the best you that you can be.

[Heidi Stevens]

Be honest with the therapist, Robin. Don't hold anything back and tell them everything as best you can. This is the only way they can come to a conclusion on how to have you move on. Good luck!

[Rachel Smith]

Robin that is a scary decision and I remember it well. The scary part for me was admitting to myself that I might be transgender. After that decision and one close call my life is better now than ever. In time there will be more scary decisions but they will make this one seem small in comparison.

Good luck however it turns for you. There is much support here don't be afraid to use it.

Hugs
Rachel

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Robin,
Did you make the appointment with a therapist?

[RobinCA]

In short, no. I did call. The office was closed for the holiday. I did however, email the Dr. to set up a consultation. Hopefully she will get back to me Wednesday. Thank you for asking.❤️

[RADER]

Robin; I wish you all the best, I hope you find peace, you deserve it.
Radee

[Tommie.]

Breathe deeply.... take a hot bubble bath.... be nice to yourself.... relax and call again.... you will be greatly relieved.

[phylis anne]

Hi Robin ,
to twist an old phrase around " there but for the grace of you go I " I have on more than one occasion tried to stuff the other me back in the past but like you it does not last long , I am glad you did not do the final descision you described , I was at a high school reunion some years back , we were approached by a good looking blond gal , she said I am denise I used to be dennis! ,well as I remember back all those years dennis was always kind of mousy ( girly) she went through a lifetime of personal hell for 15 years before she got all the help she needed , she turned out beutiful and you could not have told her from a g/g so go for it heed the advice of many here who have been there and done that it will pay didvidends
hugs phylis anne

[ricky]

Hello Robin,My name is Ricky soon to Riley. I understand everything you are saying. I myself have started seeing a psychologist. Seven visits in now, and its been great to finally give Riley some freedom. I am 48 and have suppressed her for over 35 years.Last year i came to the realization that she needs to be free.I cant tell you how long i wanted to do this.The joy i have found in this new venture in my life fills my heart every day.I have a new look on life,one filled with a great joy for the first time. i am not unlike many others on this road.I just wanted to say go for it. And good luck on your journey.

[Jeri Ann]

I was at a high school reunion some years back , we were approached by a good looking blond gal , she said I am denise I used to be dennis!

This is so cool! I have a reunion a year from now. Humm, I wonder?

[RobinCA]

Update,

Have an appointment with therapist on the 21st. Sooo nervous.

[Salina]

Hi Robin, My story is very similar to yours and many others in this forum. I started seeing a therapist a couple months ago and it has opened the door to me not only accepting who I am, but embracing the woman I've kept locked up inside me for close to 60 years. My process is going to take some time and I'm not sure where the path is going to lead. I feel so much better about myself and life since accepting Salina. I have a wife and children to consider and of course myself. I've never visited this forum before today and am glad I did! I hope your first appointment goes well Robin.

[karenpayneoregon]

I can attest to "it gets worst" for many of us as time goes by, kind of like trying to hold a beach ball under the water, eventually the beach ball wins as it usually does with those who truly need to transition. I still remember the night I said no more waiting and then about 13 months later I completed all my surgeries.

In regards to being nervous, this is common either from presenting one's self as a female to a professional or from fear of not being approved to forge ahead. I was bold, at the end of my first session looked my therapist in the eye's and asked, do you believe or not that I'm a candidate for moving forward with surgery? She said yes but needed to see me once a month for several months, stop then near surgery date come back for an update and a letter for obtaining F gender marker on a driver licence for easy of travel.

Bottom line is you are not the first to feel this way or postpone beginning the journey.

I do wish you the best moving forward.

[Salina]

How did your appointment go Robin?