Stereotypes--So often based on antiquated notions...

[Ashleyrobyn831]

So I'm just going to vent a little bit here about a pet peeve of mine:
I had another round of a recurring conflict my mother a couple hours ago; we've been butting heads over this relatively trivial matter for years beyond count, and it drives me crazy how she can't see her position is based on gender Stereotypes that she claims to despite.
The crux of the matter is this: I am, and have been since childhood, a fan of hardcore heavy metal music. Bands such as All That Remains, Pantera, etc have always had the effect of defusing my temper and helping me find peace when my emotions get especially turbulent. My mother has no particular objection to the music/genre itself, but she believes with a bizarrely irrational certainty that the fact that I enjoy and even find comfort in such music is irrefutable proof that it's impossible that I'm actually female as I have maintained since grade school.
The woman has always claimed to hate the old 40's-era stereotype of women as mild, meek, submissive "proper ladies", yet that precise mindset is the only origin I can conceive for the idea that a woman can't possibly derive pleasure from so-called angry music. It's not even having her question my identity that really gets under my skin, it's the way she cherry picks elements of disparate, contradictory philosophies that happen to be convenient for her outstanding position and then with a straight face throws them at me in a jumbled lump and expects me to not only agree, but also to essentially declare that I've been mistaken about my own identity for 30-odd years. But she's still my mother, so I can't just cut loose on her with the kind of tongue lashing I'd dearly love to unleash; having been raised on those old-south manners and expectations, respect for emergency-parents especially-is too ingrained to allow me to put up more than a token protest, to my everlasting chagrin.
It seems a bit petty even to me to get so upset over one irrational label being thrown at me over something as admittedly trivial as tastes in music. But nobody can get under your skin and press your buttons like family, right? And it's just doubly galling to have to basically just take it time and again just because I can't seem to muster the spine to decide for myself when it's ok to treat a parent as an equal adult. I don't know which is more pathetic: being reduced to the default of the obedient child in a confrontation with my mother, or letting my mother make me so upset over something ultimately insignificant. Maybe if I was mentally strong enough to not let it bother me so deeply, I'd also have the strength to stand up to her about it.
Sorry for the rant, but thanks for letting me get it off my chest. I swear, with 99.99% of the people I've ever met, I can keep my cool and stay rational and in control no matter the provocation, but that woman can jab me with little pinpricks I'd laugh away coming from someone else and leave me feeling I've been completely gutted. Maybe someday I'll finally grow up...

[Pat]

Yeah, family can be tough. What I gather is that you're upset because she's basically poking you at an existential level -- that is, she's questioning your actual existence rather than, say, just your choice in music. And it's complicated because you can't break out of the role of being her child. Are you living independently? Usually some physical distance can help you get your adult confidence hardened up and that will let you shake off remarks that conflict with what you know to be true about yourself. Or at least you can say, "Gotta go, Ma -- see you later."

[Tracii G]

This is just my opinion but it sounds like she knows how to push your buttons and does it to amuse herself.
What genre of music you listen to has nothing to do with your gender you know that and so does she.
To argue with her over it is childish on your part and her part as well but she persists only because it gets you all wound up.
Personally I wouldn't argue with her on this subject and when she starts walk away or say you have things you need to take care of and leave take a walk or a drive for a few hours.
When she figures out her picking on you has no affect on you she will stop. By not reacting you are defusing the argument.
Basically I'm saying grow up to the both of you LOL
Oh and I am a dyed in the wool old school metal head even saw Black Sabbath live on their first US tour in 1970.
I have played guitar in thrash metal bands,Hair metal and neo classical metal bands over the years.
Metal fans are die hard and very passionate about their music and I love that about them current trendy stuff they could care less about.
Metal is about letting the music slam you in the chest hard enough you can feel it all over your body.

[Jean 103]

She should meet my hair dresser, who is a very close friend of mine. That's her kinda music.

[CarlaWestin]

Your buttons are being pushed.

[Robertacd]

Have you shown her any GG's that also like that type of music? I have known lots of them including my wife.

[Jaylyn]

I personally like all music but this one is really not my cup of tea. I grew up in the fifties n sixties when country and I call it the bubble gum music wa the type I listened to. I know that's not the problem because my mom told me if didn't quit playing Ina Goda Davida on my guitar and get out of that long haired band I'd never amount to anything. She was probably right but I still practiced my guitar, fiddle, and mandolin. Played with several groups and did the dance band scene and I grew up ignoring my mom. That's what you need to do. Listen but as I did let her words just go in one ear and out the other. Don't be tender enough to let her pull your strings. I sat and listened to mom and dad my whole teenage years. I finally gave up a scholarship in track and football to try mu hand at playing the music I loved dropped out of college and we started a band.
Finally produced a record but it went nowhere except to old friends and I gave most of them a free copy. I know moms have higher sights and goals for us than we can or would want to achieve. Do your thing but listen to your mom and never let her influence your life unless you want to make a change to her way of thinking. We all still gotta love our parents but none of us have met a parents expectations. Remember this if you have a son or daughter one day. You mentioned 30 years of listening to this. By now you should have figured out how to not let her push the right buttons to upset you. You should be grown up in those 30 years so noes the time to do just that. I had to break ties with my parents for a few years to do that.

[Kayliedaskope]

"Hey, Mom, did you know that the music you listen to is what [insert name of criminal here] listened to, as well? Does this mean deep down you're actually a murderer / serial killer / rapist / etc., too?"

If you totally want to be a pain in the ass, pick out Bible quotes that defend YOUR position, and see how she deals with that. "I understand where you're coming from, Mom, but listen: it says right here in the Bible ....."

(I'm trying to get you to laugh a little - lighten up, cupcake! )



True story: my dear departed mother, God rest her soul, enjoyed listening to Twisted Sister and Ozzy when she was at the tender age of 71. Whenever my brother or I had the radio on, she could pick out a bunch of songs by either group with no prompting.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

Some very good points being made here, that's why I like posting here so much-always good feedback that's usually well thought out, even when it's not what I want to hear. Maybe especially then, cause that's usually a sign it's exactly what I actually need to hear. To reply to a couple of points, yes I have given examples of gg who listen to the same or even more extreme things, but gave that up because it invariably resulted in some form of the "they're messed up in the head and would choose differently were if not" argument. Yes, we live independently, the wife and I got our own place as soon as she turned 18 (1.5 yrs older than me), but I have always made a point to get together with my mother at least 2 or 3 times a month, in part because my younger sisters all distanced themselves from her 10 or more years a ago so I felt like for better or worse, staying an active part of her life was the right thing to do. And in fairness, the majority of my aggravation with the thing is not so much her behavior but rather my own apparent inability to respond to and deal with that behavior the way I would if it were coming from literally any other person.
Lastly, I just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time and trouble to post such wonderful responses to an ultimately frivolous complaint; I am well aware that in the grand scheme of things I'm just whining over spilled milk, so it makes me feel really good to have people care enough to respond with more than just "quit crying you baby" in one form or another. You are all awesome, and I count myself fortunate to have some small connection to you.
A great day to all! 😘

[Fiona123]

There's no connection between gender identity and music preference IMHO.

[Tracii G]

Thanks for taking me in stride and not get all offended with me being honest with you.
Best thing to do is not let Mom get under your skin.
Fiona is spot on.
Being gay and absolutely hating electronic music and the plethora of really bad pop music my gay friends love I am a bit of an oddity in my crowd.
Give me Black Flag or Overkill any day over Lady Ga Ga or Miley Cyrus.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

Tracii, let me just say No, thank you for not being afraid to call it like you see it. If I had such a great handle on things that I'd have any business being upset with genuine feedback regardless of it's content, then I wouldn't need to complain about it in the first place. 😉 I'm as imperfect as they come, but long experience has taught me to always, if nothing else, remember how much I don't know, which I promise is a LOT. So to you and anyone else it may pertain to, I'll say for the record that short of a truly egregious personal attack, there's never any need to fear I'll be offended, and I welcome any thoughtful input whether it's what I want to hear or not. Life is too short and unpredictable to waste energy resenting people who are just trying to give asked-for hello the way that makes sense to them, and we're all of value to each other on a site like this precisely because we don't all see things the same way.
Love you all, and thanks for being another positive influence in my life!