On the surface i look and act like an average guy. I am married, 2 children, job that i hate. I feel empathy when faced with the homeless, hurt and hopeless. Yet, there has always been a part of me that is disconnected from society. I dont care who won the world series, superbowl, stanley cup or world cup, i am a decent carpenter but if something is broken in my home i am not interested in fixing it unless its a major inconveniences to me or my family. I dont get emotional about birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or anything really except the deep love i feel for my wife and children. There is no place in my life for booze or drugs, the legalization of marijuana does not excite me. I have no ambition to "be somebody." I am not interested in chit chat, i find it pointless.
At work i will do the chit chat thing and act like i care about my job but that is just playing the game. I have read the bible, i get it. Its not as complicated as people make it out to be. I have gone to church. I dont need to go every week and hear the same things over and over and over. I dont need to hear another man tell me what is right for me. I dont trust people. They all have masks and secret motives. Most of time i admit i feel an emptyness inside, something missing.
Except, except when i put on a dress. I dont know how a piece of cloth can make me feel so good, so right, so complete. I cant explain how wearing high heels makes me taller on the inside, they just do.
My wife is the only one who knows. She does not accept and wont even try to understand. I have been this way all my life. She says its a choice, maybe it is, but, its difficult for me to understand how a four year old could be expected to make this big of a choice. And, after so many years its not a choice anymore. It just doesnt seem fair. Dont get me wrong, i am not complaining. I am ok with me, it has taken decades, but still, i am ok with me.
I write things down because it helps me to "get it out." And it helps me to know me better. Sometimes something will sound great in your head but when you say it out loud, not so much. Some of my thoughts are posted here in the writers society section. Making things public helps to get things out. I am sure that many who post here can relate.
There is more back story, much more. And maybe its not fair to leave it out. But, for now this will have to do.
Questions and comments cool if not crude, i am far from crackable, not jumpy like humpty dumpty.
Linda.