Just a piece of cloth...

[Lindajane]

On the surface i look and act like an average guy. I am married, 2 children, job that i hate. I feel empathy when faced with the homeless, hurt and hopeless. Yet, there has always been a part of me that is disconnected from society. I dont care who won the world series, superbowl, stanley cup or world cup, i am a decent carpenter but if something is broken in my home i am not interested in fixing it unless its a major inconveniences to me or my family. I dont get emotional about birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or anything really except the deep love i feel for my wife and children. There is no place in my life for booze or drugs, the legalization of marijuana does not excite me. I have no ambition to "be somebody." I am not interested in chit chat, i find it pointless.
At work i will do the chit chat thing and act like i care about my job but that is just playing the game. I have read the bible, i get it. Its not as complicated as people make it out to be. I have gone to church. I dont need to go every week and hear the same things over and over and over. I dont need to hear another man tell me what is right for me. I dont trust people. They all have masks and secret motives. Most of time i admit i feel an emptyness inside, something missing.
Except, except when i put on a dress. I dont know how a piece of cloth can make me feel so good, so right, so complete. I cant explain how wearing high heels makes me taller on the inside, they just do.
My wife is the only one who knows. She does not accept and wont even try to understand. I have been this way all my life. She says its a choice, maybe it is, but, its difficult for me to understand how a four year old could be expected to make this big of a choice. And, after so many years its not a choice anymore. It just doesnt seem fair. Dont get me wrong, i am not complaining. I am ok with me, it has taken decades, but still, i am ok with me.
I write things down because it helps me to "get it out." And it helps me to know me better. Sometimes something will sound great in your head but when you say it out loud, not so much. Some of my thoughts are posted here in the writers society section. Making things public helps to get things out. I am sure that many who post here can relate.
There is more back story, much more. And maybe its not fair to leave it out. But, for now this will have to do.
Questions and comments cool if not crude, i am far from crackable, not jumpy like humpty dumpty.
Linda.

[jacques]

hello Lindajane,
it's the same for many of us. I thought I was the only one. Cant' explain why. My wife says "its only clothes". But why do those bits of cloths control our lives?
luv J

[VAWyman]

Wow, I could have written this (except the part about the Church, i love going to church and seeing my friends) word-for-word.

[Teri Ray]

It is nice to have a place to voice (write) your thoughts. It does help to get things out, and this forum is a good place for that. I find that the folks here listen well and offer open and honest opinions. Hope you find this forum in the same light. Welcome and best wishes.

[erickka]

Wow! Are you my twin or what??? You described me and my life word for word.

[SaraLin]

AMEN SISTER!

Life in male mode is so -um- drab (pun intended)

In my case, I don't think it's so much the clothes themselves as what they represent. By wearing something feminine, I give myself permission to drop the masks and be who I want/feel. In a way, it's more like getting out of a disguise than putting one on!

[GretchenM]

Hi Linda,

Your story is a common one. Mine is much like yours in so many ways. There are a lot of reasons you probably feel the way you do and those who have studied gender have it pretty well worked out in many ways. But it is very complex; almost a specialty. And no absolute answers have ever been found. Maybe there aren't any. Maybe it is just a variability that is built into life to create diversity and drive evolution and development. Without that nothing would ever change.

As for your wife's thinking it is simply a choice, well, in part it is, but the foundation does not appear to be choice driven. For some it may be a choice, but for most it is not. There is no single cause - if only it was that simple. It is most likely a complex of influences that, in some, create a generally similar and common response. Some have said it is driven by a desire to be a different person than they are, but then one must ask where that desire comes from.

It appears to come from sources that are very fundamental to how we are wired and this different wiring perhaps developed before we were born during the complex process of cellular differentiation of the fetus. But a lot of making the final connections occurs between birth and about 7 years old when we really develop a proficient ability to reason. Every event in our lives during this early time causes wiring connections to tentatively be set in a certain way. Subsequent events may alter that a bit while making other connections. So, think of it as fetal development sets up the basic network in our developing brains, but the later setup takes place in the real world we have to live in.

A gender sense first starts to show between age 2 and 3 and continues to develop until about age 15 or 16 when it seems to be pretty much cemented in place. But, as you indicated, by age 4 some children already show clear signs of gender reversal. Usually it is mild and experimental; other times it is very pronounced. It seems pretty clear the latter perhaps have some kind of fundamental difference that usually doesn't develop but because of perhaps errors in development or maybe (big maybe) genetics. That defines the possible range of modification during the next decade. But these children, whether they openly show it or not, will always show some degree of gender reversal. Modification of the behavior to a very limited extent is possible in those who showed gender reversal signs very early. But if that gender sense is strong it apparently cannot be changed. It is fundamental. For others changes do occur - most young boys who want to wear dresses out grow that desire. Tomboy girls often become much less so later. But that does not apply to all.

The point of all of this is that for most of us it appears to be situation where choices can be made as to how we individually deal with this behavioral characteristic, but the fundamental desire and the comfortable and happy feelings we have are much more innate. Nobody can choose to be happy. Happiness is a response to fulfilling some more basic need. Many of us sometimes lose the desire to express our often rather variable gender identity, but it almost always comes back at some point which indicates it is a fundamental strategy we use and that may be founded in some hard wiring of neurons long before we were ever able to make choices. In a word and quite literally, it is just the way we are.

As for dealing with it in an environment that is not very receptive, well, do the best you can and gently encourage others to be more accepting of you and your idiosyncrasies. Everybody else has those; they are just different from ours. Some of those may not be very comfortable for you. But if there is no real harm inflicted, then it is fine in both directions. All people need to accept, celebrate, and learn from our differences. It is the way we expand ourselves and learn new things. What a boring world this would be if everybody was pretty much alike. That variety exists for a reason and all life follows this pattern closely. Without it we would still be bacteria and pretty much like every other bacterium. No thanks. We all participate in our own ways. It works the same for ants and beetles, pansies and petunias, and everything else that is alive. Diversity creates more diversity. Rocks are not so fortunate. I love rocks but I would not want to be one. But even they are diverse and it comes from the way they formed. Sound familiar? It may be an underlying characteristic of matter to diversify. Now, there is a thought.

Gretchen

[Lana Mae]

Your description is most of us! Read Gretchen's reply! This is hard wired in us and does not go away! Best wishes on your journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[Leslie Langford]

Let me add my voice to that of the others here who have already stated that your description of yourself could fit them to a "T" (no pun intended ) as well, Lindajane.

You are far from being unique or "weird", even within this sub-set of what is already this societal fringe group of ours collectively called "transgender" or "crossdresser". The only descriptor that was missing here was the term "introvert" which I also happen to be, and which I suspect you are as well based on reading between the lines of your brief biography.

Glad to have you here as a member, and I look forward to more insightful observations from you in the future like the one above. It is this type of sharing and opening up in a non-judgmental environment such as this forum that keeps many of us coming back to get the validation that the mainstream world rarely affords us.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

That's a very moving post, thank you Linda.

I'm sorry you hate your job. Perhaps if that single thing in your life could be changed, and you found yourself working with people who stimulated you, everything else might look a little brighter.

Is a career change out of the question?

Is therapy an option? That feeling of internal emptiness you describe may not be as unchangeable as you imply. It does seem significant that you mistrust masks when your only relief from bleakness is as a crossdresser- we're all about masks, and many of us can be accused of having secret motives- at least by our wives.

If you do feel like sharing more of your backstory, you'll find plenty of takers...

Have a hug from me.

Nikki

[Dana44]

I would say to your wife that it is not a choice. That is wrong and you know that. We are wired different and born this way. Thanks for posting the Linda, went though that myself and raised a family. This is where you are at and as you age it will get stronger. But raising kids kept me busy and it was after that it hit me hard.

[Bobbi46]

It's not just a piece of cloth, far from it! it gives one the ability not just to be feminine but to be able to express a side of us which will always be within us no doubt about that. The why's and the wherefores have been churned over here many times it comes down to from before we were born and since then we are wired differently. But dressing is so much more than just a piece of cloth dressing is a part of our lives, is also a part of all of us and together they give us the ability and the will and the need to dress and to live in a feminine world of peace and tranquillity, of warmth and of feeling right within oneself.

[Alice Torn]

Linda Jane,Thanks for your sharing. What would shock, many out there, who know little or nothing about us, is that police officers, marines, other military, a highly decorated Navy Seal, firemen, and construction workers, and others, like myself (a gravedigger for three years), and blue collar, all have this unusual compulsion. There are likely a number of reasons we have it. Most folks think we are gay, or brand us as some kind of deviants, sadly, not having a clue. I was that way at one time.