semi-supporting spouse

[SaraLin]

I had an odd thought this morning, and I'd like to hear what you ladies think, OK?

I have a semi-supportive SO - coupled with an odd DADT situation.

Short background: I was once pursuing full transition, but "dropped out" for a number of reasons. After that I found/married my current wife. She knows my history and while not exactly supportive, we've reached a compromise. I wear panties full time and nighties every night. It's OK if I lounge around the house this way, but anything more is DADT. I'm OK with this arrangement and we get along nicely.

Now the question:

I'm beginning to wonder, did I chose her - and stay in my current situation - BECAUSE of her limitations on my dressing and not in spite of them?

Here's my thinking: I accepted that going fully femme is not a real option for me, but the urge is still there. Without the anchor of stability that her love for me provides, I might be tempted to pursue a goal that I know (in my head, not in my heart/soul) that I can't achieve. It would be oh-so-easy to slip into the pink fog, never to come back out again. What holds me safely on the fringes of the mist it that I am warm/safe/loved where I am. I get to express my feminine self at home in the presence of the one I love, but I know that anything more would hurt her - so I don't to there... though I must admit to a few gentle tugs on the rope from time to time.



So - what do you think?

[Laura912]

Your answer lies in your thinking. This relationship may have saved you from a mistake. As for the future, my crystal ball is on vacation.

[Kelli Jo-ann]

hi Sara, I have always felt the same way about my wife. she has always been my safety net to keep me from falling too far into the pink fog.
although a couple of times I have almost gone too far. but luckily she keeps me in check most of the time LOL

[DIANEF]

I think there are some who would follow different paths depending on whether they were single or married (or in a significant relationship). I often wonder where I would be now if I had never done the 'married-kids' thing.

[drEdge]

geez OP I feel ya. In a similar situation here. My girl loves me and always supports me, honestly I don't think I would make it in the world right now without her. She does accept me for who I am, she's even dressed me before. But also it doesn't really interest her, so I still do it in secret for the most part. She knows I do it, but it's kind of unspoken about between us. Don't know where to go from here... I want her to be more involved but I also don't wanna push something weird on her. Idk what to do... I was thinking of randomly sending her a girly pic and see what her reaction is...

[Leslie Langford]

Different strokes for different folks, I guess...

Interesting how so many of us here chafe under the restrictions that DADT imposes on us, and wish we that had more freedom to pursue an activity which gives us so much pleasure and fulfillment. Then there are others here like the OP poster who see their wives' or SO's DADT restrictions as a much-needed "reality check" to restrain them from going off the deep end (so to speak) because they can't muster up sufficient self control on their own to do so.

In the meantime, there are those here who have accepting and tolerant partners who let them crossdress to their heart's content, and in some cases even participate by helping them with their makeup, choosing their outfits, and at times accompanying them when they are out in public. All they can do is take pity on the rest of us poor repressed sods and offer their condolences over our situations, totally unable to imagine how we could even begin to live under such restrictive conditions without going stark raving mad.

Who said life was fair? Certainly not I...

[Rachael Leigh]

Sarah I will tell you my situation, I too have been in DADT relationship for sometime, even though my spouse has done a few things with me while dressed, there were times when I did more and went and broke boundaries that she wanted.
So this has left me in my current situation, my wife and I are trying a 6 month seperation and what scares me is I will go
deeper then I ever thought and I do have plans to let my girl out a lot.
So my advice is this if you really think you are fine with your situation then hold onto that but don't break the boundaries
you have both agreed on. If you are feeling you need to go further then discuss it first make sure your both on the same
page.
Hope this helps Rachael Leigh

[Nikki A.]

Sometimes I also wonder what I would have done if I also didn't marry. After being widowed I have done a lot more dressing and going out as Nikki, Basically you need to do what feels right for you and your family.

[Jaylyn]

I think you are in a very good situation that most cd would love to have. You mentioned warm/safe/loved, what else could anyone ever want. It sounds like you get to dress but every now and then the fog hits. The fog can be controlled but sometimes relationships are uncontrollable. If I were you I'd be happy and I bet as you progress she might even help you tug on a few more ropes.

[Dana44]

Interesting, But since you are warm/safe/loved. That is great and I guess DADT is your only path now. But she may in the future be more open.

[Aunt Kelly]

This seems to be the night for questions that we amateurs are not well equipped to handle. Mind, that's not to say that there aren't many who have been, or still are, in a very similar place, but commisseration is not the same as learned counsel.

Sara, your question is one that will probably require a fair amount of guided examination of yourself in order to form a useful answer. Meanwhile, Rachael's advice is golden. Keep communicating with your SO. She deserves to know where you are in this. You need not force anything on her that makes her uncomfortable, but make it clear that you desire to be open about your feelings.

[SaraLin]

Idk what to do... I was thinking of randomly sending her a girly pic and see what her reaction is...

<speaking only from my own experience...> I'd advise against that.
a few years back, I'd gotten about a week to myself, and took advantage of the time to be - um - ME. While dressed, I took a couple pictures of myself to see how I really looked, not a reversed reflection.
Some time later my wife found the pictures in the phone and had a minor meltdown. She wanted to know who was there taking the pictures! I had to explain about delayed shutter times, and even demonstrate how it worked before she would calm down.
BTW - she hated the pictures, said I looked nothing like a real woman, and never wanted to see them again.

all in all, not one of our better days.

[GretchenM]

Sara,

I don't think there is any clear, one size fits all answer to your question. I went through the consideration of transition about 5 years ago. Didn't get as far as you, but in the end I decided it was not a fit for my gender variance pattern. It is still on the list of options, but at the bottom. I don't know you so there is no way to tell, but rather than thinking that your wife's limitations serve a purpose of keeping you from the still attractive transition road perhaps your thinking along those lines is simply residue from when you went a ways down that road. Your wife's limitations may be a perception on your part and is actually an illusion. Perhaps finding new love and being loved is the force that counters the residual desires.

If what you are able to do without upsetting the apple cart is satisfactory for the most part and your wife does not throw a fit then stay in that area until things really change. My gender therapist said that the desires and dreams are so strong we sometimes try to force things to happen that really should not happen, at least at that time. Forcing doesn't work and creates instability. She recommended doing what is satisfying and makes us feel like we are operating like a well oiled machine and do so with the consideration of others and their feelings. If you need to go to a new level consider the road carefully and don't get pushy in the quest. It is a tender balance which considers your needs and the needs of others as a single subject rather than a me against them type of arrangement at the extreme. I think you perhaps answered your own question with, "... I might be tempted to pursue a goal that I know (in my head, not in my heart/soul) that I can't achieve." Sounds to me like you should follow your "heart/soul" and set the "in my head" part deeper in the list. All too often when people follow only their thinking it ends up as forcing. Forcing is not always bad. Some situations require it. But, sometimes it has undesirable side effects like making you miserable and other people miserable as well. Following your heart often works best in most interpersonal relationships because it is considerate of the relationship as well as your own needs.

Gretchen

[SaraLin]

Gretchen,
There's a lot of meat in your response, and I'll have to digest it before I can address some of it, but I'd like to comment that I have to disagree with you when you said:
" Sounds to me like you should follow your "heart/soul" and set the "in my head" part deeper in the list. All too often when people follow only their thinking it ends up as forcing."

Actually, it's pretty much the opposite. If I were to follow my heart/soul, I'd be marching much further down the gender path, forcing my changes on my wife, my family, and my friends. It's my mind that knows that the path my heart and soul want to follow is (FOR ME) a dead end. = I know better than to go there. I'm not forcing. A better word would probably be accepting - perhaps conceding?

[Jenny22]

I suggest you have a chat and include what you've said here. You are so lucky to have a girl that knows and accepts. You just need to find out why it "doesn't really interest her", now.

[NicoleScott]

So many here focus on the restrictions of DADT rather than the permissions. The half-full glass some can only see as half-empty.

[NylonMan]

I have often wondered if "WE" stay in relationships because we have a supportive Significant other, rather then perhaps being happier and living by ourselves where we can dress as often as we want. Or even staying with our significant other to make sure our urges are curbed.


My first marriage was like that. She knew, but for the most part would not accept it, unless she was benefiting from it (If you know what I mean) . She forced me to curb it. When it ended, the pink fog came out like fireworks on the 4th of July. I would never go back into a relationship where my dressing was being curbed. If she doesn't understand and accept, then I'll move on.