Is DADT ultimately just a manifestation of a spouse's other insecurities...

[Stephanie47]

I agree with this and from what Leslie posted it shows that they are given more power than just when you can dress. It becomes a weapon to be used at any given time that the insecurities pop up or whatever it is when it happens. DADT has always seemed like a self destructive thing to me. If My SO wasn't on board the way she is, I probably would have left her because to say You love me but not accept a part of me is nothing more than a lie itself.

On the flip side of the coin I've read numerous threads where the cross dressing husband has offered his wife the "take it or leave" attitude. Sort of shove it in her face. DADT can work fine as long as both parties are on board with the negotiated boundaries. If I were a woman who had a husband who would throw his will around I'd kick his butt out the door, and, it would not matter what the issue was.

You use the phrase "it becomes a weapon to be used at any given time that the insecurities pop up or whatever it is when it happens. Sort of made me chuckle to read that sentence. It's only a weapon if you allow it to be a weapon. In a DADT marriage you should feel free to openly leave the domicile fully en femme and interact with the local population, friends, family and coworkers. No? The only person you should not force your cross dressing upon is the woman you're married to, who is not appreciative of it. One of the problems seems to be when a person tries to hide his cross dressing from everyone but his wife.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

...in her mind, she is both blameless and "perfect"... a very controlling, self-centered (and to some degree, manipulative) individual who loves to wrap herself in the mantle of victimhood when she feels hard done by and doesn't immediately get her way... my wife's need to be in full control at all times...

Wow, and you're with her because...?

[Krisi]

DADT is a compromise. Nothing more, nothing less. The wife doesn't want to see or participate in the husband's dressing but doesn't want to end the marriage and the husband doesn't want to stop dressing or end the marriage. It's not an ideal situation but it works for some marriages.

It's not a matter of control or selfishness, it is what I posted.

[phili]

to say You love me but not accept a part of me is nothing more than a lie itself.

I spend a good part of each day trying to manage DADT with my wife, and it is probably a typical DADT. Everyone is right here to some degree, but Krisi has summarized it perfectly- it is a purposeful compromise, given our set of facts. Joanne, you are really fortunate, and although the option to end the relationship is always present, it is often a baby and bathwater problem. When there is so much good to save, we do DADT, if that is the way to keep going.

I annoy my wife by trying to renegotiate the terms, as I feel what is expressed in the quote above. Our daughter agrees with me on that, despite the fact that she too doesn't like seeing me dressed in "women's" clothes, but feels spouses should be committed to 100% support. My wife is not mean or selfish, however, she is more like emotionally fragile and fearful, and feels safety in conforming to social norms. She is thrilled to be the woman who has attracted a competent man. Seeing me feeling feminine explodes that for her. She feels it is like I am shouting at her "I am not who you married. I am a social misfit, and I love it" ...and a thousand more words that undermine her sense of stability and a good future. At the same time, she puts up with me dressing at home, and the fact that I am not shouting, but clearly vulnerable emotionally and asking for her support helps her moderate her fears. All that said, she is dead serious that she has no intention of trying to do psychic surgery on herself to remove her revulsion.

So DADT for me is a process of cheerfully going out, and trying to not dress as much as possible at home so that we can enjoy our time together. I do see it as a necessary act on my part as one of the ways I love her and then honor her reality.

I think she and most DADT wives are actually suffering a lot. Their world has lost its center, and they too are unstable and trying to get by. I think it is fair to say that marriage is difficult because two people are guaranteed to differ in important ways, and this is just one of them. DADT also applies when a couple have different religions or politics.

More to the point, though, porn indulgence or gambling and such vices will often be dealt with this way, with the expectation that the partner whose behavior could lead to bigger problems is expected also to keep it under control. I think cross-dressing is seen more like a vice than a religious commitment, and even when we try to get the focus onto gender identity, we will be fighting that perception of it being a personal vice until more of the reasons for it are understood, and a more generous acceptance is widespread.

On a lighter note, we can all hope that crossdressing can become more like football watching or auto restoration, where it is seen as an obsession but- oh well- it is common and people can drop by!

[Teresa]

Leslie,
Most of your words sound Oh so familiar !
It's a good question, is it about the Cding or more about losing control ?

I must admit my wife knows I shop but I'm so careful with the amount I spend , she could hardly throw the same comment back at me , most of my things are from charity shops.

If you have read my thread in Loved Ones you will get my current picture, it's finally come to an agreeable separation , I finally had the tearful outburst that she has rejected so much of me to the point where she now accepts it hurt me deeply.

I'm sorry it's come to this but we are now making sensible plans with the full knowledge of the children, we accept that we will be happier going our separate ways . We still plan to be there for each other and to support our children and grandchildren . OK it's not all about my CDing we just don't have enough in common, our lives are developing in different ways , now we've accepted this fact we are working together to make the house shipshape for selling. We are even making jokes about who gets what from the house contents, we talk about honesty on the forum well we are now facing facts and being honest with each other .

DADT proved to be an unworkable one sided compromise , all the promises eventually get thrown aside, in the end it only works out as a temporary solution, it's not a workable lifetime arrangement . It also does not stop the pain and suffering on either side .

[Allsteamedup]

You are wrestling with two problems, Leslie. Being retired and trying to find time to dress inoffensively.

Much of the difficulty in relationships involving a cder comes from the ideas they have about female behaviour. Given the opposite, how charitable would you be if your wife decided to go FTM? You are right about female insecurities, but if you took more time to appreciate how they got there you might be more sympathetic when you are on the end of them.

At least you are honest, it tends to be your cding that is the flashpoint. So whatever insecurities are displayed are a direct result of what can be seen or the behaviours you display when dressed. Presumably, your female self, whom you write about in such glowing terms deserves a better reception, although you never make any claims at interaction other than with sales assistants.

Being retired as a cder does throw up a lot of issues as recent times here in the UK have shown (on the helpline of the largest group offering help to women). Quite often women simmer over a lot of small issues and then something provokes an outburst. It does appear as if the comments made have a similarity and repetitiveness about them. Justifying your feelings about the substance may placate you but clearly your wife has issues which could be explored.

Hope the parcel was worth it!!!