My wife discovered my panties and bras...and lost it!!!

[Nicole11]

My wife discovered my panties and bras this week. I was really upset... She went through my things and took everything....so upset. She was not nice about it. She totally lost it just like I thought she would! She wanted to get a divorce until I told her the panties were mine...then she lost it again. I wanted to tell her for a while, but i was scared of the outcome. But it good she found out...forced to.... She handled it very poorly though like I thought she would. She was not accepting and acted like a total victim. I wanted to get past it quickly but she had a hard time with it. I can already tell it is going to be a don't ask don't tell situation. So sad. I wish she would understand but she doesn't due to her conservative family values.

[Rachael Leigh]

Nicole, a tough situation for sure wish the best for you

[lingerieLiz]

So glad I told before we got married. There are times when my wife doesn't understand and other times she suggests things. I guess even I have trouble understanding sometimes.

[Gardener]

Well, you are not in uncharted waters. This will be a familiar scenario to many. From now onwards try to be honest about yourself and avoid promises you cannot deliver. It should be a better way forward fir you at least. Good luck.

[MsKim2888]

Sad to hear that. But I just want to say good luck and all the best.

[Tracii G]

The way its looking DADT may not be an option and you may be sleeping in your car.
It may be a wise move to get an attorney and get your ducks in a row.
Reverse the situation what would you do if you found guy stuff that belonged to your wife?
You have broken her trust so good luck getting that back this century.

[jennifer0918]

Ok sorry to hear about your situation, wish you a lot of luck. I'm no one judge or give advice as iam closeted.

[Teresa]

Nicole,
Did she dispose of all your things or just put them of your reach ?

Th best way forward is to let the dust settle, try and get over the loss of clothes but don't let her do it again . You now need to sit down and think your CDing through, how it started , where it is now and truthfully where you would like it to be in the future . I wrote it all down so I could get it clearer in my mind but no BS .At some point it may be easier to show your wife all this rather than try and talk about it, if you can get that far then you can answer questions but don't make promises you can' keep.

Please remember most of us were born this way, it can't be changed and it's for life, it doesn't make you a bad person in fact if she lets you dress again she will find you are a more balanced caring person. Use the forum for more help that's what it here for, and good luck .

[Patrica Gil]

Sorry this happened. This happened to me as well. Though after the passing of time she left me for someone else. Being true to myself has helped me quite a lot. The whole incident does hurt, but whatever the outcome be true to yourself as well as to her and pray for the best. A few years have passed and now my life is very different. The best part is being true to myself and others as well. Be well.

[alwayshave]

Nicole, I'm sorry to hear about your wife's reaction. Hopefully time will allow her to get over it.

[deebra]

Perhaps she's not the one for you, good to find out early on. CDing is not going away, if you stay with her you will be like a fish out of water, Resentful. Without her you can enjoy the feminine side. There are other fish in the sea that are accepting. Suggest you throw this one back in the water and re-bate your hook but before you do enjoy being a single CD.

[Jenna Stunned]

I think you need to sit her down and have a real talk about what just happened. And find out if she is more mad that you like to wear womans clothing, Or that you were hiding this from her? In the heat of the moment im sure the confusion of finding woman's underwear and betray of trust got her going, And from that point she was running at 110 percent pissed off so no way was she gonna hear anything you were trying to say. A lot just happened in her world and if she was caught off guard its not a good feeling for sure. So you owe it to her to sit her down and set things straight, If for nothing else to come clean to her about what you were doing and how you felt. Be honest about everything, No more hiding and secrets. And good luck! I hope you are able to fix things.

[Aunt Kelly]

There are two issues here; your wife's so-called "conservative family values", and your deception. The former is a product of fear and ignorance, or it might be said that it is fear and ignorance defined. At any rate, this is something that can be changed with education, provided your wife has a desire to do learn. That's going to be tough for her right now. This discovery is a big slap in the face to her.

When things cool down a bit, you should very contritely apologize for the deception and offer to do what you should have done early on, explain about this part of you. Offer, not demand, with the acknowledgement that she is important to you and it is your sincere desire to help her deal with it.

Good luck, Nicole

Hugs,


Kelly

[Sandra]

Just how did you expect her to react? She's had a shock was she supposed to be all "oh ok so these are yours and you like to wear them yeah go ahead carry on" Let me tell you hunni most of the time it don't work like that.

You now need to get her to sit down with you and talk, ask her to listen to what you have to say tel her everything don't keep anything back because if you do and it comes out later it will make things worse, don't tell her something because you think it's what she wants to here, because all that will do is make you miserable. You could guide her to this site and draw her attention to the section we have for wives/partners that is private.

[Pat]

First, I'm very sorry to hear of the drama in your life and I hope things eventually come to a satisfactory conclusion.

She handled it very poorly though like I thought she would.

SHE handled it poorly? You don't say how long you've been together but apparently all that time you've been concealing this from her. And then she didn't find out because you sat down and talked to her, she found out by discovering your stuff and probably has no illusion that if she hadn't found your stuff that you'd have carried on concealing this. I don't think she handled it poorly -- her behavior is about on par with what I'd expect. If you don't accept responsibility for the problem you caused (and no it's not the clothes and it's not the gender issues -- it's the concealment) you may never find a happy resolution. I'm totally on your side in terms of reaching a resolution, but I'm totally saying YOU handled it poorly.

[Sara Jessica]

You left out an important fact (your words from another thread)...

I agree. I have more bras than my wife. I have at least 30. I love having so many options. Love wearing a new one each time I want. Unfortunately, I still have to underdress most days. ��

I get the part of your tale which talks about repressing your CDing for most of your marriage up to this point. But then it recently came back strong and you decided to go all out while on a business trip. This included a rather passable outing by your own accounts. What isn't adding up is that you accumulated 30 bras in such a short time. No wonder your wife is ticked off.

[Jenna Stunned]

How exactly does one hide 30 bras? And who wouldn't be upset to find such a stash hiding in secret? YIKES!!!

[Stacy Darling]

Sorry to hear about your situation Nicole

I wanted to tell her for a while, but i was scared of the outcome.
.

I'll just comment on the wanting to tell her!

I wouldn't want you to think or blame yourself for not telling her, or think that if you had told her things may have turned out better. Sometimes we just can't tell what the reaction will be. I've half dressed and underdressed for years with acceptance, but when I brought my first dress home and showed my wife, I got a reaction similar to yours but with physical injury added. Sometimes you just cant pick the reaction, you can only choose how to react yourself.

So I hope you can calmly and deeply think about where you can go from here!
Good Luck with it!

Stacy!

[Krisi]

Communication is the key here. You and your wife should sit down and talk this out. Maybe not all at once, but you have to get it out in the open.

Does she love you? If so, maybe she will try to understand and even accept this part of you. If her shock and disgust at finding that her husband is a crossdresser is stronger than her love for you, this may be the end of the marriage.

I would be far more concerned about the relationship and the future than the loss of some clothes.

[Jaylyn]

Nicole when I read your situation and I read everyone's responses my heart goes out to you and your wife. I agree on most everything said. I believe there definitely needs to be some communication here between you and the wife. I call it a heart to heart talk. No voices raised, no shouting, just heart to heart. You need to listen to her side and let her talk it out and she needs to listen to yours. Y'all need to agree before on the talk that this needs to happen. You can call it because of her conservative values that's bull hockey. It's because you betrayed her and delved into a part of the marriage in secret. There are many on here that hide things from the wife and eventually they will get caught. Try and imagine what you'd feel like if found out she was wearing men's clothing in secret. Let this mess settle for a while and both of y'all take some deep breaths and then talk it all over. I am praying that both of you can come to an understanding and figure out something when cooler heads prevail. Good luck, stay calm, and try to see both sides but most of all listen to each other's thoughts.

[LeannS]

Nicole
My wife went through my computer while I was gone fishing and setting things up for a great weekend oh it was great lots of fishing and all till the kids left.
And they wheren't gone 15 minutes sitting under the shade of a pine tree she said we need to talk. Why are you sending Leann pictures of you??
I told her Leann is me and she looks at me you and says interesting.

Nichole sit her down and tell her that you are the same person you married but more added and tell her the reason you do it.
and after the talk be the best husband you can be buy her some flowers take her to dinner. Have a date night whatever it takes do it.
be the best you can be and more

been there and done it am I still paying for this hell yes I am
Leann

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You're understandably upset, but Nicole got exactly what she wanted- to come out into the daylight. Hoping a stash won't be found isn't real, unless you're a 4 year-old. Keeping a stash somewhere where it might be found just means a delay until the inevitable- we kid ourselves if we think otherwise.

What is really sad is that the world is full of people with conservative family values who have been raised to be terrified and disapproving of anything other than vanilla, and people who jump at the opportunity to play the victim.

We all understand what you're going through and wish you strength to deal with the fallout.

Meantime Nicole is already thinking about getting some new panties.

[Joni T]

WTF did you expect from her, "Oh Honey, please model these for me?" You have lied to her and betrayed her. You have lost ALL trust. Good luck getting that back. Without trust there can be no relationship. This is the epitomy of why WE must come clean to our so's in the very beginning. Mine has no problem but she knew from the git-go. I wish you well and good luck.
Jon

[Stephanie47]

I think your wife's reaction is fairly typical. You're not just up against trying to explain why you are drawn to wearing women's clothing, but, also how she feels other in society will judge her. Maybe, that's the 'victim' card. But, it is also a fear she may have, "What wrong with her? She's married to a cross dresser. Why doesn't she divorce him?" and so on.

Will you survive? I think it depends upon how strong your marriage is? Conservative background....she may give too much weight to what trying to fit into the conservative mold of expectations and dump you.

The only suggestion I have is to not give her some BS about trying to connect with your feminine side. I think statements like that only make it more difficult because you're obviously not a woman in her mind. I told my wife the truth. The truth is I do not know why I do what I do. I went on and explain how I feel when I wear women's clothing. It is still a stress reliever.

Comments have been made akin to "How do you expect her to react to finding 30 bras?" I think on a subconscious level buying too many women's clothing of a particular kind is sort of a stress reliever in itself...a way to handle the perceived non acceptance of someone who you really are. A counselor I see for reasons other than wearing women's clothing calls it "retail therapy."

Try to weather the storm. Just hope she does not complicate it by running of to a family member. Your wife may end up forgiving, but, others may not.

[Tracy Irving]

Nicole,
So sorry to read about your current situation. I hope you and your wife find a peaceful way to resolve it.

Conservatives don't go around preaching fear and ignorance and they don't raise their children to be terrified and disapproving of anything other than vanilla. Many conservative women have no problem with a crossdressing husband. Actually, politics has less to do with it than you think. There are numerous posts describing a SO's acceptance of crossdressing until it comes home to her house and her husband.