My wife discovered my panties and bras...and lost it!!!

[Robbin_Sinclair]

My wife discovered my panties and bras this week.... She was not nice about it. She totally lost it just like I thought she would! She wanted to get a divorce until I told her the panties were mine...then she lost it again.... ....She handled it very poorly though like I thought she would. She was not accepting and acted like a total victim. I wanted to get past it quickly but she had a hard time with it. I can already tell it is going to be a don't ask don't tell situation. So sad....conservative family values.

Dear Friend...this sounds awful but you are throwing gasoline on the fire...before I impose my thoughts on the situation about suddeness of the event for her and a potentially inartful need to satisfy a time addiction...first, let me re-post something about getting busted that reads rather well...

You will see this in our Writers Group soon....here it is...from robbin satinbreasts, she writes...

"I got caught at a very bad time, in the hospital and the creepiest guy on the site at the time is suddenly sending me creepy pictures of him dressed and undressed. I am very open to seeing every human being as a sexual object but this guy was like satan. My clocking was awful. Using this as a starting point, I now quote from an esteemed gal pal in San Francisco:

"....My overall strategy is to move crossdressing [in her eyes] out of the scary sex pervert universe and into the understandable response to trauma universe, or the biological development risk universe, so that she can feel her softening as a virtue, and defend herself in her own mind if anyone wanted to know how she could put up with it and not stamp it out!"

My wife was devistated but her only daughter was coming out as, the daughter calls it, "queer." And truly queer she is. The apple of her step daddy's eye. Consequently, in our small family, the wife is in the minority but she has gay feelings too, I project. We are always talking about trans rights and donate money to those causes.

When the dust cleared, my wife and I agreed that I would put all the clothes in one place and not touch them during for a month. We were then going to discuss it again after the month. That never happened. My wife has a very busy work life.

Also, we agreed to alcohol twelve step meetings. I knew the program and that was easy. That was four years ago. Been back dressing plenty but not as focused on the need to be dressed in public to just desire to be free of boys clothes. I love everything with a satin feel.

Does it ever go away? I doubt it. The only thing that has to change in a situation like that is coping skills. To my way of thinking."

That's what I got. Relax...handle this like a relaxed woman, not a controlling man. Love and emoticons to you, robbin.

[Lydianne]

Sorry to hear that, Nicole. Hopefully your situation improves after her shock subsides .

[ClosetED]

Her response was typical. That she thought they were another woman's shows you hid it well, but what other woman would have 30 bras left in a lover's house? So now you need to address her fears - did you read the section on how to tell your wife? She likely has fears on what this means for your sexuality, what else you lied about, etc. So tell her you will be honest and answer her questions as best you can. This site can be a great resource for her to come to as well.
Hugs, Ellen

[Teresa]

Nicole,
I have to admit, I had overlooked the thread referring to the quantity of bras you own.

I can sympathise more with her, CDing is enough to come to terms with but to have so many bras when you don't need one has to come over as a sexual fetish and if budgets are tight it also looks like a selfish one .
I can now explain my need to dress but an obsession with a certain item of underwear does take some explaining and is hard to understand and accept .

I do admit my quantity of shoes has increased more than expected but I'm possibly over concerned with having a pair that matches every outfit rather than it being a fetish , my wife makes do with very few pairs as I do in male mode .

I treat bras the same way , they are something to take my forms and give me the correct shape , I don't own that many in fact I usually wear a black or white one depending on the outerwear and a multiway one for voile or strapless clothes .

[Tracii G]

I always get a bit peeved when someone says its because of someones "conservative values". Thats about the silliest thing I have ever heard.
Honestly all that is is a cop out by the person making the statement.
I am as conservative as it gets yet I am gay,TG, and a CD and believe in live and let live and live my life that way.

[Micki_Finn]

I'm sorry but you've lied to her for presumably years. You obviously knew she wouldn't like it otherwise you wouldn't have hid it. So for years you've deliberately deceived your wife about something you knew would upset her, but when she finds out and is upset, she "handled it poorly"? I'd say she handled it just the way one would expect. Did you honestly expect her to just shrug it off or welcome it with open arms? I'm sorry for your situation, but making this about your wife not being able to handle the situation is just hypocritical because if you had properly handled the situation from the start you wouldn't be in this particular bind.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Nicole;

Give her some time, most families have to go through a period of adjustment.
. Adjustment to past beliefs.
. Adjustment to current reality.
. Adjustment to future expectations.

As far a traditional family values are concerned,
"family values" are typically defined as "the moral and ethical principles traditionally upheld and transmitted within a family, as honesty, loyalty, industry, and faith."

What you need to decide is what your values are and what you and your family may want to do is use this to really open the communication.

[TrishaTX]

Perhaps she's not the one for you, good to find out early

I used to think this response was a bit cold but in reality you are correct. If someone loves you they love all of you. Everyone has issues and in a long marriage (usually more than half your life) people make mistakes and change. I know many people say how would you feel if your wife wore male clothes...I think it truly depends on many things. Over many years of marriage you must learn to accept allot of things and love the person you are with. At this point of my journey , I do agree with what you said above.

[Tracii G]

A lot of advice here can seem cold and heartless when you first read it but if you think about it its just the honest truth.
Situations like this are very common and there have been many here post about their personal situations like this and 99% of the time its the CD that broke the trust by lying and trying to hide.
Its not the act of CDing its the act of lying and deceiving her.

[char GG]

Right on Tracii G!

For many GG's, it's not about the clothes but the actions that lead up to and/or accompany the clothes - such as lying, sneaking, deceiving, (accumulating enough bras to wear a different one every day of the month)! Don't blame the wife's reaction on conservative values. You apparently knew about and most like accepted her values when you married her. You can't just pick and choose when you want to accept those values.

Just remember, you took away her choice to accept your CDing when you married her without letting her know.

Be patient, communicate, and, don't try to throw the blame on her about her reaction. You have several years and a child together, be patient. She may surprise you.

[Mickitv]

i am also very sorry. You do not deserve the response you received. Hang in there and be true to yourself.

[sometimes_miss]

Its not the act of CDing its the act of lying and deceiving her.

Not true at all, though I've read a lot of both men here and their wifes say that. Crossdressing alters how women think of who we are. Instead of image of their prince on a white horse, now, they think of us as a sissy boy in a dress. It can completely destroy any sexual attraction and desire they have for us.

FWIW, my wife found out in a similar way. I had inadvertantly left out a slip, she found it, thought I was having an affair, and I had only a few seconds to decide which way to go; truth, or lie. I went with truth. Didn't work out.
I had gone over it in my head a thousand times, I was so sure all the other good things about me would easily out weigh this one, single negative thing. After all, crossdressing was harmless, right? Of course. Surely she would understand.
Nope, didn't work out that way. I had been fooled by that nasty pink fog, believing that crossdressing is not a big deal. Well, it's a huge deal. Perhaps one of the most polarizing of issues when it comes to what is considered acceptable to a woman, and what is not. You can be a murderer, philanderer, thief, wife beater, prisoner, drug dealer, crime boss, etc., all of those people still have girlfriends. Crossdressers? Not so much. Read on.
I learned the hard way, that there are plenty of wifes who will stay with a man who has been unfaithful, but not so much with crossdressers. We got divorced a few years later. Initially, she was troubled by it, but we went to a therapist, and were doing alright for a while. Then, she got into some support groups, and everything went down hill after that; they decided that I and her immediate family were the cause of all her problems, and neither the therapist or myself could sway her from that belief. Once feeling wronged, sometimes women will just get more and more angry, and blame every single problem, on YOU.
So. First, there's no way to know how this is going to play out for you. There's far too many variables going on. First thing, don't ever get angry back at her just because you think it's unfair. Even if it is, because no one tells their mate everything, ever. It's simply impossible to; we'd have to recap every moment of our lives, which would take years. We try to decide what they need to know about us, in order to decide on whether they want to spend their life with us. And that's where it gets tricky, because no one can know until it's too late, exactly what the other person would want to know. After all, look at all the women who are perfectly happy being married to politicians, soldiers, gangsters, all of whom do things that get other people killed. so if women are ok with all that, crossdressing shouldn't be a deal breaker now, should it? Well, there's the rub. All the other bad things don't change the woman's image of her mate as a strong, virile, reliable, protective, good provider. Being a crossdresser DOES change all that, and suddenly many of the things that matter most to a woman, are now in question. YOU are no longer what she thought you were, and the qualities that made you what she needs in life, are now all of a sudden, in question. You're a girly boy. And that for which she depended upon you to be, is now quite uncertain. That's why she's so upset, even if she doesn't know it yet.
That's why women get so upset when they find this out about us. And it can kill the sexual desire they have for us. Once that is gone, the love can soon follow. Once the romantic love is gone, she will feel the need to find another person to fulfill her need for that, and once that happens, your relationship is as good as dead.
That's what you're facing now. The best advice is, prepare for the worst. More than a few of us have come home after something like this, to find the locks changed, and a restraining order in place to keep us away from our homes. A woman scorned (and yes, she may very well feel that way) can easily go into a rage, angry at being fooled. They can cancel all your credit cards, empty your bank accounts, put a lock on your retirement accounts, get your car repossessed, out you to your family, co-workers, the list of terrible things can just go on and on. So prepare. Make sure you have some money put away. As mentioned, you can quickly wind up living in your car, if she doesn't screw that up on you. I got blackmailed, she took the house and all of our assets, or she said she would out me to everyone we knew. And while crossdressers have been made more mainstream, as we see with the bathroom bills, there are plenty of people out there that still fel we're doing something completely unacceptable.
And this is where the not YOU getting angry is most important, because if she feels you are on the offensive, she can get that way much faster, and then things can spiral out of control.
What had worked for me to a certain extent, was offering to take on most of the household work that my wife didn't like to do. But it only worked for a while.
Most important is to maintain all the routine male specific behaviors as much as you can so she can see that you're still the same man she married. DON'T dress up around her, even if she says it's ok; I fell for that mistake, it was just a ruse to get some pictures of me dressed like a girl, which she used to blackmail me during the divorce.
Good luck. You're going to need it.

WTF did you expect from her, "Oh Honey, please model these for me?" You have lied to her and betrayed her. You have lost ALL trust. Good luck getting that back. Without trust there can be no relationship. This is the epitomy of why WE must come clean to our so's in the very beginning.

Ah, yes, hindsight. We all wish we knew how the future was going to play out, before the crap hit the fan.
LIfe is more complicated than that.

[Amy Fakley]

Nicole, you have my sympathy. It's not easy to be honest with the person you love. If you do love your wife, show her. Profusely, and without end. Be painfully honest. Tell everything, and leave no detail untouched. Be naked before your wife in this way, show your vulnerability. Do not defend, just explain ... explain WHY you lied (was it because you didn't want to lose her?) ... explain where this came from (were you born into this like most of us were?) ... explain how you are now the same person you were before, and how if you weren't also this you wouldn't have the other qualities she perhaps is more fond of.

Give her time. You say she feels like a victim. That is because she actually is. Her life was just upended with zero warning, by you. Put yourself in her position. Empathize. If you love her, surely it hurts you to see her suffering?

But more than anything, realize that from this point forward you have no further cause to hide ANYTHING from your wife. Cherish that, and allow it to give you permission to open up in your relationship. Coming out to my wife, after 17 years was incredibly difficult, but through that difficulty I came to realize just how much of myself I had withheld from our relationship over the years ... primarily because I was petrified of showing softness for fear it would out my terrible secret.

Realizing that I no longer neeed to hide anything allowed me to bring my whole self into the marriage ... and I'm not talking about cross dressing stuff necessarily. I'm talking about emotional openness that simply could not exist across the boundary I'd built between myself and the world. Embracing that, not only saved my marriage, it saved me.

Best of luck to you hun. It's a hard spot you're in, but it's not impossible if your heart is in it.
One day at a time. Do the best you can with the cards you've got, don't stop talking and showing her your love. And hope for the best :-)

[Dana44]

My accepting SO says that She would be upset also. So it is the deceiving that you did to her. She is hurt so go and and apologize to her. But I would also tell her why you did not tell her and that this helps you relax after you come home from work and the fact that you like it after you tried it. Or were you like this from birth. Then if it does not work out with her, then try a DADT situation. But I would tell her that if it is DADT, don't ever stop me and say I can't do it. But if you apologize, take her out to dinner and spend time with her before talking to her

[Becky Blue]

Sorry to hear Nicole... I think you have two seperate issues to deal with and only you truly know your wife and her reaction and reasons. Perhaps your deceit is a major issue for her, but maybe that is something that she can get over. The second issue is her acceptance (or not) of your dressing, naturally she will have a lot of concerns and fears and may never be able to accept the fact that her husband wants to dress as a girl.

You made a conscious decision to not tell her and your reasons have probably been proved correct, but now you have to work a way to deal with her knowing.... good luck it wont be easy.

[Krisi]

I always get a bit peeved when someone says its because of someones "conservative values". Thats about the silliest thing I have ever heard.
Honestly all that is is a cop out by the person making the statement.
I am as conservative as it gets yet I am gay,TG, and a CD and believe in live and let live and live my life that way.

Agreed.

Far too many people believe (and the news media reinforces this) that everyone is either "conservative" or "liberal" and that one must fit those labels in all their beliefs. This is simply not the case. Like Tracii, I am conservative in many ways, yet I am a crossdresser, I believe someone's sexual preference is their own business, not mine or the government's and I believe all people are created with equal rights and those rights should be honored by others. I believe someone's religion (or lack of religion) is nobody's business but their own.

Nicole's wife needs a better excuse.

[Karen RHT]

Like so many other things in life, it's not the original reaction (shock) that's problematic, it's the unwillingness of the "offended" individual to deal with it and then move on. Moving on doesn't necessarily include total acceptance, but it should include discussion, (not threats and emotional outrage) a modicum of understanding at a minimum, and finally forgiveness. Like it or not, we as humans make mistakes. Far too often we tend to think how we should punish someone for "their" mistake, rather than find ways to understand, excuse, and forgive. Now who's making a mistake, and who's making the bigger mistake?

When individuals choose to judge according to their own standards, values, and moral compass, rather than discuss and evaluate with an open mind, resolution and progress are nigh impossible. I can understand a wife being shocked and emotional upon discovering their husband is a crossdresser. I refuse to accept the husband's "failure to disclose" as an unforgiveable, non-negotiable sin that must be punished ad infinitum.

But hey...all that is just me. I've often been told I'm just too soft for my own good, that I simply don't understand human nature, and how the real world works.


Karen

[jessica33]

No one asked the question why is Nicole's wife went through her stuffs without her permission . I am sure if is the other way around the wife would blow her top off . If the wife wants to see Nicloe's stuffs ask first . Nicloe is not a child in this relationship .

[Pat]

Not sure that the context in which the wife found Nicole's stuff has much bearing. Sure, it's one more thing they could fight about, but it doesn't change the fight that's in progress -- does it really give anybody a moral high ground?

[Krisi]

No one asked the question why is Nicole's wife went through her stuffs without her permission . I am sure if is the other way around the wife would blow her top off . If the wife wants to see Nicloe's stuffs ask first . Nicloe is not a child in this relationship .

In a marriage, nobody has "stuff". If it was in the house, she is bound to find it.

[Tracii G]

Women snoop its just in their nature to do so.
They get an idea in their mind and they think of all kinds of scenarios And the snooping goes full on until they find that one thing that sets them off.
Don't think for one minute while you are at work she hasn't been thru all your stuff and yes even your hidden stuff.
Building up evidence to use against you when she sees fit.

[Teresa]

Krisi,
Sometimes that is a problem but I don't agree, we live under the same roof with the same entitlements , I respect my wife's personal things so she should respect mine. For some reason many of us are prepared to give up that right because we feel ashamed and guilty about our dressing. Recently I made this point to my wife that it is my home as well so I have the same rights to a she does.

[Pinkthing]

Just give her space. I'm ridiculously fortunate. Mine gives me her throw aways that no longer fit. She doesn't like it, but knows I dress up. Now my mother in law finding my box of toys& cd shoes& clothes is another story. And note to self.....don't forget if your wife paints your nails before getting in a pool if u don't want ppl to know.

[redtea]

I always get triggered by these stories cuz CDers on here will defend the girl in the situation and say it's "lying by omission".

The problem is it treats Wearing womens clothes like we are doing something horribly wrong.

It doesn't take into account the mans feelings of intense shame and embarrassment. It takes an unrealistic amount of courage to be "right" going into a relationship. for many of these men.

If we told every woman we CDed on our first date, We would ruin a lot of potential relationships from happening and be alone. We have nothing to gain in being transparent to shallow women. Being transparent only serves the women in a one sided fashion. It's always about the womens feelings. Never any sympathy for men who didn't commit emotional suicide early on.

[Sara Jessica]

It isn't that anyone is doing something that is horribly wrong. Instead, it is the lack of disclosure until the SO is beyond the point of no return when it comes to investment in the relationship.

I had three serious relationships when I was young, the third resulting in marriage. All three were told early on, even my bride. But even then I omitted the depth of this whole thing and it was unfair for me to marry someone who didn't know exactly what was in my heart. In other words, I'm not perfect but still, there is so much information out there that it is hard to fathom why this is even still an issue.