Does this make any sense at all?

[Crystal 42]

Cynthia: Thanks for sharing. Sitting on the porch being yourself and watching the world go by sounds awesome!

Judy: Yes it used to be a vicious circle with me. Dressing>Self-Loathing>Dressing until I found a way to break that stupid cycle. As far as what I did to myself I think you're right. I loved dressing but society kept telling me that there was something wrong with me. In the end I guess I started to believe it. I am happy to say that I was wrong. I really want to ask why you say Judy is one of the bad parts but I don't want to get personal and I really can't imagine how some of you balance things with the needs/wishes of a partner.

Lucy: Thanks for posting. I was an only child so used to being on my own. This probably led to me being a loner later in life. I certainly got depressed but I'm not sure how much the crossdressing caused that or maybe I was just depressed by the thought of how other people might judge me. As a coping mechanism crossdressing did make some kind of sense because sometimes it was like being close to a woman without really being with a woman. I know that sounds odd but I did have some strange ideas once upon a time. Like you I started to avoid relationships but that was because I didn't like the person I was or pretended to be. I often felt I was being dishonest with others about myself. It took far too long to resolve and I'm glad like me you found your own way in the end. I also have hope I will find someone too but I can live with being single as long as I can always be me.

[suzanne]

I'm sure you didn't understand where your feelings came from and how to deal with them. But you are not to blame, even in the slightest. You are a product of a society that conditions all males to be a macho hunter/warrior he man, and to detest femininity in any male including yourself. It's a hard pattern for those of us with non-standard tendencies to break out of. Some never do and they pay a high emotional price for it.

Instead of looking back at the things you did in response to your crossdresssing, count yourself lucky to have broken out of your prison cell. And maybe there is something you can do to make things easier for someone else who appears to be struggling. Like challenging someone who voices anti LGBT opinions for example. You never know, perhaps someone may be listening in who needs to hear some sort of affirmation.

[Crystal 42]

No Suzanne I certainly didn't know where those feelings came from which is why I spent so long trying not to listen to them. I know a lot of my guilt came from the opinions of the society I grew up in and you really don't want to know how I feel about it's intolerance, bigotry and moral judgments. I would likely do more harm than good with my condemnation once I start running my mouth.

I actually had to look back first to finally go forward. This was the last part of the puzzle that never made complete sense to me and I needed an explanation, thanks to the kind people here I found one. Yes I'm lucky I broke the horrible cycle I was in but hardly lucky when it took me decades to do it. I've been writing an E-book about all of my experiences because I don't want anyone else to go through the same thing I did but I couldn't finish it in a satisfactory fashion without figuring out my old behaviour. As for anti LGBT I don't know anyone locally who holds such narrow views and if I did I would quickly tell them exactly what I thought of their crap.

[GretchenM]

Glad to hear you are writing this adventure down. Those kinds of accounts are very useful to others. But even if it is never published on the internet, that activity will do wonders for you. Journaling is an important activity because it records the thoughts of today, imprints them in the memory with a bit better cement, and can be read again later to look for thought patterns that may help you see the bigger picture. Especially if take a turn and find yourself in a pond full of crocodiles because of an assumption you made that looked like it might be very fruitful and ends up going very bad. Your journal can help yank you out of the pond and recover much more quickly as well as see alternative directions from the point a mistake was made. Keep it up and if it does go out on the internet please let us all know.

[Crystal 42]

Thanks Gretchen. I write for a living but my work is focused on producing web content. It was only when I start to write a book/journal that I could find my own way to self-acceptance. I always had issues with assumptions and often fell into that pond of crocodiles you mention. I still need to do a lot of editing since 50K words doesn't exactly read well and I go off track often. Even if it doesn't work out as a book I will certainly produce something smaller and more useful online, perhaps as a primer of things not to do because it's no use to anyone just sat on my computer.