Hi everyone,
For the record I am completely comfortable with who I am now and I don't hate myself at all. Everything outlined below is entirely my past behaviour which as you will see is strange but that was how I coped a long time ago.
The reason I’m sharing this is because I am too analytically minded for my own good and over time I have done a lot of writing about my past behaviour. I'm one of those people who always likes to find logical explanations for everything even when the problem defies any logic. I know some of you might say "why even bother?" I suppose I am curious if I am unique in the particular approach I used back then to make any sense of my crossdressing. I also found myself wondering if anyone did anything similar at one time in their life.
Past History:
Once upon a time in a town far, far away there was this guy. Now this guy ever since he was a kid crossdressed. It all started for him when he was 7-8 years old and continued to evolve over time. Even though he loved dressing and how good it made him feel he simply couldn't understand it. He could never face the fact that he had no power over an uncontrollable desire to dress up in female clothes. As such during this guy's 20's and 30's he tried to handle things in a very bizarre way.
- He hated himself for it.
- He considered himself as a freak and not enough of a man.
- He saw his developing female persona as a bad influence that he couldn’t control, but would often give in to.
- He punished himself and cut off all of his feelings since he felt they made me weak and suffered the consequences for it. The only feelings he left himself were guilt, shame, fear and hate which he couldn’t suppress.
- He became a fake, just a guy full of hate and rage. He had bad mood swings and later depression.
- He tricked himself into denial believing that he was never the one who dressed up but instead told himself it was just "her".
- He eventually found it easy to believe his crossdresssng was simply the antics of a sleazy non-existent girlfriend. This is how he helped himself live with what he was doing because he couldn't accept it. He would lie often when buying female things saying that they were for a partner just to reinforce the stupid delusion existing in his head.
Back then this guy who I once was couldn’t face his behaviour. He remained single when he knew how much of a hold his dressing had over him because he always felt he was messed up and also that he was being dishonest with himself. From that viewpoint he realised he likely couldn't handle a serious relationship. He was probably wrong and stupid and if he'd known how people manage to handle their CDing needs with partners he might have felt differently. Unfortunately he was convinced there was something wrong with him and back then he never had the resources of the Internet for potential solutions.
In some strange way he started to reinforce the belief that his female persona was in fact a companion. He even adopted mannerisms and sometimes styles of past girlfriends which was seriously bizarre. In fact it eventually evolved to the point where he would talk to himself now and then because it helped him cope. Not in a crazy and not knowing kind of way but like you would when you are spending time with a friend just asking about how they feel or what they want and need.
He often wondered if his crossdressing caused him to create the idea of a phantom girlfriend in his head as an alternative persona, someone who had all his long abandoned good qualities and who he preferred to be, rather than the angry, confused guy he had become.
Present Day:
While I don't do any of this strange behaviour anymore and like and appreciate the whole person I have become, I do wonder why I once behaved that way. I suspect it did it in fact come from my sense of loneliness and isolation but I'm not sure. So was it simply a unique coping mechanism for feelings I didn’t understand?
Thanks for reading,
Crystal
XXX