Does this make any sense at all?

[Crystal 42]

Hi everyone,

For the record I am completely comfortable with who I am now and I don't hate myself at all. Everything outlined below is entirely my past behaviour which as you will see is strange but that was how I coped a long time ago.

The reason I’m sharing this is because I am too analytically minded for my own good and over time I have done a lot of writing about my past behaviour. I'm one of those people who always likes to find logical explanations for everything even when the problem defies any logic. I know some of you might say "why even bother?" I suppose I am curious if I am unique in the particular approach I used back then to make any sense of my crossdressing. I also found myself wondering if anyone did anything similar at one time in their life.

Past History:

Once upon a time in a town far, far away there was this guy. Now this guy ever since he was a kid crossdressed. It all started for him when he was 7-8 years old and continued to evolve over time. Even though he loved dressing and how good it made him feel he simply couldn't understand it. He could never face the fact that he had no power over an uncontrollable desire to dress up in female clothes. As such during this guy's 20's and 30's he tried to handle things in a very bizarre way.

• He hated himself for it.
• He considered himself as a freak and not enough of a man.
• He saw his developing female persona as a bad influence that he couldn’t control, but would often give in to.
• He punished himself and cut off all of his feelings since he felt they made me weak and suffered the consequences for it. The only feelings he left himself were guilt, shame, fear and hate which he couldn’t suppress.
• He became a fake, just a guy full of hate and rage. He had bad mood swings and later depression.
• He tricked himself into denial believing that he was never the one who dressed up but instead told himself it was just "her".
• He eventually found it easy to believe his crossdresssng was simply the antics of a sleazy non-existent girlfriend. This is how he helped himself live with what he was doing because he couldn't accept it. He would lie often when buying female things saying that they were for a partner just to reinforce the stupid delusion existing in his head.

Back then this guy who I once was couldn’t face his behaviour. He remained single when he knew how much of a hold his dressing had over him because he always felt he was messed up and also that he was being dishonest with himself. From that viewpoint he realised he likely couldn't handle a serious relationship. He was probably wrong and stupid and if he'd known how people manage to handle their CDing needs with partners he might have felt differently. Unfortunately he was convinced there was something wrong with him and back then he never had the resources of the Internet for potential solutions.

In some strange way he started to reinforce the belief that his female persona was in fact a companion. He even adopted mannerisms and sometimes styles of past girlfriends which was seriously bizarre. In fact it eventually evolved to the point where he would talk to himself now and then because it helped him cope. Not in a crazy and not knowing kind of way but like you would when you are spending time with a friend just asking about how they feel or what they want and need.

He often wondered if his crossdressing caused him to create the idea of a phantom girlfriend in his head as an alternative persona, someone who had all his long abandoned good qualities and who he preferred to be, rather than the angry, confused guy he had become.

Present Day:

While I don't do any of this strange behaviour anymore and like and appreciate the whole person I have become, I do wonder why I once behaved that way. I suspect it did it in fact come from my sense of loneliness and isolation but I'm not sure. So was it simply a unique coping mechanism for feelings I didn’t understand?

Thanks for reading,

Crystal
XXX

[Lana Mae]

I can not relate to this directly as I accepted myself right away when I found out what it was all about! Before in my teens it was just a sexual thing! Younger I just wanted a dress! There have been others who have shared these feelings however and you might want to look at older threads on this subject! Best wishes and glad you are dealing with this better now! Hugs Lana Mae

[Allisa]

All but the "girlfriend" part. Just add alcohol as self medicating and the big question of why? and I've been there and done that.

[Dana44]

Wow Crystal., Thanks for posting this. Well thought out and self inspection. Seeing a gender therapist may help a lot. I think many of us went through something like that over time. I was very stable and figured myself out over a few decades. I have some text I showed my GF that was almost insane looking. LOL Yeah we can get weird at times. I think it was from your loneliness and isolation that gave you coping for feelings you don't understand. That is why a therapist would be good to talk to. No I do not think you are a lunatic. Just confused and it is good that you posted this.

[Crystal 42]

Lana: No problem thanks for commenting. I'm glad you could accept yourself quickly. I sadly never could. My experience with dressing was non-sexual when I was very young. Become very sexual during puberty and continued into my 20s. Calmed down a bit in my 30s and now in my 40s I know dressing is entirely related to how I feel about my gender and nothing to do with sexuality. Though the lines still blur slightly for me on occasion. Guess old habits die hard.

Allisa: Thanks for commenting. I'm sorry to hear you had your own troubles. I wouldn't wish any of my old confusion on anyone because it's horrible, but yes I know the GF theory is kind of bonkers.

Dana: Oh I'm not unstable. As I said this was many years ago and my thinking has changed over time. I did talk with a therapist when I was at my worst point but that was do with depression and even though I told him everything, I never really felt he gave me a satisfactory answer. He simply said that all I had done was separate out the things I couldn't accept. Basically anything I couldn't handle got put into its own box in my mind.

My best friend who knows about my Crystal self, is now a qualified therapist and he had a different view. He believes that my Crystal persona continually developed over time to handle my feminine side which I kept suppressing. He suggested that everything which stressed me out and confused me, was put aside ready for the day when I was willing to accept everything. So maybe he's right after all and all I did was invent some seriously screwed up coping mechanism. I guess I just wanted to ask to see if anyone did something similar because my old behaviour puzzles me to this day, but it's likely I'm just something of a basket case after all.

After a lot of time studying everything transgender related I suspect I am probably gender fluid in some small way. I don't think I really get dsyphoria beyond some occasional confusion when I look in the mirror, as if I expect to see someone else sometimes but it usually passes quickly. I don't want transition... ever! Transition simply means balance in my life and I kind of have that now.

[Jaylyn]

Crystal I read your story and must say we probably have all related to some of the thing you posted. I always thought something was wrong with me. I was a tough male but knew this weakness was there in my teen years. I kept the fact hid that my mom actually dressed me for a long time. She used to paint my toe nails and finger nails all when I was very young
I would like to blame it on her but actually it was me. I just loved the feel of smooth things on my skin.
I didn't however have a name for my other side till I reached this site.
I bet a good therapist or just another close CD might help how you feel.
As far as making sense I think we all have questioned our sanity though over our dressing.
Remember though you are not a lunatic and there are a bunch of us with lots of things we call lunatic behavior, I just keep thinking we are the sane ones and the rest of the world is one messed up place sometimes.

[Teresa]

Crystal,
I don't it think it makes much difference if you chose to marry or not , those feelings are what many of us feel, or have done in the past. We know we were born in the male gender, we very often get brought up with how our society and family think we should act like as a male . I'm of the age group where we often got married to escape a difficult parent, both my wife and I had that problem with our fathers. We married naively young and had children because it was what was expected of us . You admit you chose not to marry because of the problems CDing might have with a partner, in most cases you are correct, I'm not sure what percentage are in a DADT situation , in fact we were having the conversation only today of the percentage of wives/ partners who accompany their CDing men to our social meeting, we agreed about 25% .

In some respects being married does balance your dressing needs out, the responsibilities take over many of the pink fog moments but when the need does surface many of us experience most if not all of your listed points .

I personally have the gut feeling or need 24/7, it never goes away, it's been like that from the age of 8-9 years maybe it was sightly different because it was all tied together by my sexual needs. You don't say how your CDing started but I refer to it as starting with a bang, my male side and female side , clothes all became intertwined with my sexual needs. I believe it's when my GD started and also AGP kicked in. Wanting to be seen and accepted as a woman, gave me most of the feelings you list over the period until like you I had to know WHY !

That's why I went for general counselling and then gender counselling I needed to find, understand and finally accept myself, I have finally achieved most of that. I can now explain it to others , I'm afraid the outcome is I honestly can't live without it and my wife honestly can't live with it, so we have agreed to separate. Neither of us have any regrets , we have two lovely children and three grandchildren, I wouldn't have traded any of that for a moment, not to marry because of my CDing would have been wrong , OK I didn't tell my wife because I was naive enough to think all women were OK with it after having GFs who were OK with it.

No it's not lunacy it's coming to terms with something most of us are born with, why does a man want to wear women's clothes ? Our brain can't understand it and yet part of it is driving us, we believe family and society will tell us it's wrong . I've now found that many of those fears are in our heads, going out doesn't mean the World will end, no one takes very much notice or really cares, I have made more friends since coming out and lost none. My wife and I will remain friends , she has the same problem, she can't accept because she fears what others will think , as I keep telling her most women don't have that trait so they will never fully understand.

[Crystal 42]

I'm really starting to wish I never started this thread.

I should have put "past behaviour" in bold. Just so it got noticed. Meaning this is how I once thought about myself years ago. but not now!

I said what I once did puzzled me, that's all
and I wondered why. Yet I keep getting told to go and see a shrink.

Sorry ladies, thank you all for your comments I am sure you mean well but I seem to be getting misintepreted here and I believe you may be thinking I fit some other profile you have in your heads. This wasn't a cry for help I am happy to say. Maybe things like this just don't work in text.

Bye.

[Alice B]

There is a lot that we do not know anout your past, so it is difficult to comment. My thoughts are that you grew up in a very strict family, thus the guilt.Nothing to be ashamed about. For many of us guilt is a part of our background raising it's ugly head. I also think that you also may be manic depressive, which is also common and in no way crazy. I think that seeing a therpist, gender or otherwise would be a good thing. We all at some time or another need some outside help to get to fully understand ourselfs and the events in life that drive us. I wish you well.

[Teresa]

Crystal,
Good to hear you are OK now, perhaps you could tell what life is like for you now. I'm afraid you did give the wrong impression not being clear most of it is in the past tense , your question at the end suggested you still consider it lunacy behaviour and need some help.

[phili]

I'll throw in my 2cents and agree with your friend that the separate female identity is a coping mechanism. I think that applies to any one who feels split sufficiently. My own path was to double down on one identity, and let my gender be what it is. That seems to be what you are doing, and I'm thinking it doesn't seem like lunacy to you.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Crystal,

First off - welcome to the forum! This has been a great resource for me and I hope you'll find that to be true for you too.

I can certainly relate to parts of your story, thankfully including the part about finally being comfortable with who and what I am. I'm glad you were able to get there too.

Thanks for sharing your story,

Elizabeth

[rebecca34]

Crystal,

That's a well-written, insightful post honey, thank you for sharing.

To be honest, I quite like the idea of being my own sleazy non-existant girlfriend.
Yes, I talk to 'her' all the time, both in my head and out loud (I'm on my own all day at work).

...it's likely I'm just something of a basket case after all.

After a lot of time studying everything transgender related I suspect I am probably gender fluid in some small way. I don't think I really get dsyphoria beyond some occasional confusion when I look in the mirror, as if I expect to see someone else sometimes but it usually passes quickly.

I can relate to this too.

Great post missy, keep 'em coming.
xx Becca xx

[Crystal 42]

Jaylyn: That was exactly my problem back then. In most ways I behaved very male and had many male interests. I suppose I became angry with myself for not fitting the pattern of a typical male. As such I suspect my softer side became something offensive to part of my male ego and that's probably why I once punished myself for it. Since I now know that my feminine side is the one who had most of these wonderful and caring feelings my male solution all those years ago was probably to shut those feelings off, thinking that they would no longer have any power over me.

Teresa: No problem. I guess it's my own fault for not being clear and you were simply trying to help. No harm done. I forget sometimes that when I get caught up in my writing people don't often see the way I interpret things since I automatically know what is past tense and what is present. Note to self, "Be clear about what you write".

philli: I think split is the correct feeling I had back then but not in a personality disorder kind of way. I was confused certainly but I didn't really think it was crazy, in fact it became normal and I always knew deep down it was me. It is reassuring to know that you think it was in fact a coping mechanism. You are also correct because it never felt like lunacy to me and in an odd way it helped. Of course it has caused me to wonder about where I fit under the TG tree because when I read about all of the different terms/labels none of them seemed to fit and still don't. So I simply don't use them.

Elizabeth G: Thank you.

rebecca34: Thanks but I have edited my original post for clarity. It's interesting that you do that and it gives me comfort knowing I'm not the only one. I wonder if some of the cause is down to isolation after all.

[GretchenM]

Crystal,

I get it. You describe me in my past. In fact, it sounds so familiar it creates a deep emotion. You also pretty well describe my present.

Parents try to deal with these traits differently than they did in the past, but there are still a lot of parents who do not respond to their child's needs in an appropriate way. A lot of parents are traditional. Not a criticism; just a fact. But it causes a mild trauma in the child that can produce a type of PTSD reaction and the formation of dissociation, that is, the creation of an alternate personality or identity. Gender dysphoria is a type of dissociation behavior in some people, but not all. It is not severe dissociation that results in what used to be called multiple personality disorder, but it is often still a type of that behavior and it makes the person quite miserable with vast amounts of internal conflict and the creation of screening behavior that hides the truth of who the person is. Very common in PTSD and its related behaviors.

The important thing for many of us is that, in time, it resolves itself with a type of merging of the personalities or identities into a single identity that is a blend of the two. And that represents more or less where you and I, with such similar stories, are today. The identities become more like phases of a single identity rather than separate identities and that is more along the lines of "normal" behavior where men have feminine sides and women have masculine sides. It is often still an exaggeration of the more widely seen normality. The dissociation disappears as the merger occurs over time. And along with it the shame and self loathing of the past that led to trauma reaction and the creation of the identity. This does not fit all TG/CD by any means, but it is a common path. The history is one thing; the resolution of the dissociative behavior is quite another. A coping mechanism? Philli got that right and so did you. In a small sense, it still is the coping tool because the effects of the trauma may never be found or fully resolved. They continue to influence the personality through the limbic system (the emotional brain). In the past couple of years it has been fairly well verified and our sense of identity arises from some small structures in the so called emotional brain that were known before as a result of dissection of deceased trans people. But now diffusion-weighted MRI and other advanced MRI techniques have detected this in living people. Lot more to be worked out in this research, but it is headed in a very fruitful direction. Anyway, the coping method is not a bad thing, but being aware of it and working within that world makes all the difference.

Gretchen

[Crystal 42]

Thank you so much Gretchen because you've given me the answer I have always been searching for. I never thought I would ever find an explanation that just made sense but yours does. As I was reading your words I wanted to cry. I feel very emotional now, so I know you are right.

My parents have always been very traditional, not religious but quite rigid in their thinking. They have got more open-minded in recent years but I have always felt that I could never come clean with them and honestly I don't intend to. I love my parents despite their views, but they simply won't get it. I'm an only child and I don't want to chance losing their affection. The funny thing is that my Mum told me once that she and my Gran wanted to give me a girly name when I was born but my Dad and Uncle talked her out of it. They said I would be mocked for life, how wrong they were! If they'd given me that name things might have balanced better for me and much earlier.

According to what you are saying my "girlfriend" delusion became my screening mechanism to protect myself from the truth which my brain could never make sense of. So if I follow that line of thought I distanced my male self from my feminine behaviour and essentially compartmentalized it into another persona who could handle it, just so I could continue to function.

The interesting thing is it did eventually stop when I finally started writing about my past and learnt to accept myself. The merging you mentioned has already happened. Of course after so many years of that unusual behaviour I know I could easily still do it if I choose to but these days it's a conscious decision I have made not do it, because I know it just leads me down the path of referring to myself as someone else which is a lie. I don't feel shame or guilt these days because I know dressing makes me happy and I learnt that by embracing my feminine feelings I have so many great qualities. My friend said that I can enjoy the best of both worlds and he's right. I still don't want my parents to ever find out but that's a choice I have made, not denial.

I'm sorry to say that words are a poor substitute for the real peace of mind you've given me Gretchen. Thank you!

[Shelly Preston]

I'm really starting to wish I never started this thread.

I should have put "past behaviour" in bold. Just so it got noticed. Meaning this is how I once thought about myself years ago. but not now!

I said what I once did puzzled me, that's all
and I wondered why. Yet I keep getting told to go and see a shrink.

Sorry ladies, thank you all for your comments I am sure you mean well but I seem to be getting misintepreted here and I believe you may be thinking I fit some other profile you have in your heads. This wasn't a cry for help I am happy to say. Maybe things like this just don't work in text.

Bye.

Crystal, Never be sorry you started a thread. Its good to hear you are ok now.

This thread as with many others provides valuable information to others.

Someone may be having the issues you had in the past and knowing you are ok will help them

[Crystal 42]

Thanks Shelly I appreciate that. When I said I was sorry for starting the thread I meant I didn't realise how clumsily I had phrased what I was saying so some people ended up getting the wrong impression. It did upset me a little reading all of the therapy suggestions but I'm sure it was all meant with good intentions but it is something which I certainly don't need at this point in my life.

The power of the edit function has allowed me to make things clearer and I was just trying to hopefully figure out some past behaviour and thanks to philli and Gretchen it all makes sense now.

I'm all in favour for providing info that might help others find their way. I wouldn't want anyone else to do what I did to myself. If I can help one person move past something like that I will!

[GretchenM]

You are quite welcome, Crystal. Glad I could help.

Different people deal with this in different ways. For me the screening behavior was the strong masculine, impersonal, insensitive identity. That hid the girl that wanted to desperately wanted to be recognized. He would not let her come out because she was the cause of his shame. He hated her. I tried to cage her and destroy her for 55 years and my remaining masculinity was next to impossible to deal with for many people. Then in 2012 I had to face the music and she was set free. Tough for many months during which I went to a gender therapist.

Eventually, the two began to merge. The nasty masculine went away because there was no longer a need for a wall around her and what was left was a mild masculine combined with a mild feminine in nearly equal proportions. Sometimes the she is strong dominant and he steps aside and lets her do as she pleases until she is finished "playing" which is actually being her happy self all by herself. Usually lasts a few hours. Then the total identity shifts back toward the middle and the blended form. But sometimes the masculine is dominant and that recognizes the presence of his largish feminine side that tempers his behavior so he doesn't go Rambo on everybody the way he used to do. Thus revelation and honesty leads to more self acceptance and far less conflict and more personal comfort. Normal? Not hardly. But light years from where I was.

I do have to thank my primary supporter. It's not my wife. It is my youngest daughter. She is a mental health therapist in the student services of a large university. She deals with trans people all the time. Having a dad with those characteristics was a bit tough at first, but she understood and we have had so many collaborative discussions about the behavior pattern, we have both learned a great deal. My being a retired research biologist means I dig deep into the technical aspects and that helps her to understand more about those aspects in her helping her college aged clients. And together it helps me deal with the behavior that brought me so much misery, and, I might add, a good deal of misery into her childhood. All is well that ends well.

[Alice Torn]

Crystal, You almost wrote my own story!! It was very taboo, and with many people, and most, it still is. I am what is called, "a highly sensitive person." I think lika male sometime, and like a female other times. Was picked on right after birth, by my older twin brothers, and beaten, and picked on in all school, and on jobs. I never quite fit in anywhere, and still suffer family ridicule, even though, i don't think they know about Alice, but they may suspect it. I hated my male self, a lot, and only recently have come to love my male self, and my lady self, too, at 63 yrs old. Thank you for all your sharing!!

[Tracii G]

Welcome Crystal.
I'm glad you are in a good place with all of this and have figured out what works for you.
The prevailing attitude here is "seek professional help" but not all of us need to see a therapist to find the answers because we find them on our own.
I can relate to some of your post but I never had the guilt or shame issues because I didn't care what people thought.
You say you are analytical and have to find the reasons why but as you can see that causes more problems and a lot of people aren't strong enough to handle it and have to see a therapist.
I will probably get slammed for that last comment but its just my opinion.

[Crystal 42]

Gretchen: Once again everything you have written deeply resonates with me. I did exactly the same thing, my male ego wanted to destroy Crystal. She was the one to blame for my confusion and the one who had to be removed. Even when I got accidentally outed once and all my friends turned against me, what did my male ego do? He blamed Crystal of course which led to the ultimate purge of everything feminine. It nearly broke me. Your merging experience and the way gender is fluid for you is how I feel too and it varies often. Thank you for sharing it really does help.

Alice: Thanks for sharing. You know it's funny you should mention sensitivity because my Mum to this very day says "You are so very sensitive" and its always in a critical and disapproving way but then she doesn't know about the real me and I ain't ever telling her.

Tracii: Thanks. I understand that and I assume many want to make sure anything that sounds like a cry for help gets professional advice quickly. But like you said I found my own way of dealing with my problems but this was an old question I had that needed resolving. As for the analytical thing, yeah don't I know it. Once I opened the can of worms seeking answers I just ended up with more questions and probably more confusion but I also learnt a lot of things too. Well I'm not going to slam you Tracii but I would have perhaps said every person's problem requires its own custom tailored solution by whichever method works for them.

[CynthiaD]

Yeah, I can relate a little bit. I've had a good career and a good family with no real problems, but I was always unhappy and perhaps a little depressed without knowing why. Now I'm sitting on my back porch, fully enfemne, and happy as a clam. Figuring out that I was transgendered, and finally accepting it as a good thing, changed my life.

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks for sharing,

It seems like most of us go through the Love of dressing fem and the loathing of dressing fem.

Lets face it, we only hate CDing because other people tell us it's not right.

When I was in my late teens I dressed with other neighborhood friends and the girls thought it was cool.

My so called fem side "Judy" is part of me and she'll always be!

OK so the wife wants no part of Judy!

She want to know all of me except for the BAD parts.

[Lucy23]

Crystal,

aside from the developing female persona, and to a certain degree the girlfriend part, I can relate to many aspects of your past history. Especially the hating and being ashamed of oneself, and not enough of a man part.

For a while I thought that crossdressing is a coping mechanism for a long-lasting loneliness and lack of intimacy with women, due to my being depressed of who I was, and thus making next to none attempt at relationships. The depression started before I started crossdressing, mind you.

It took almost ten years to come to terms with the desire to wear women's clothes. It's easier now than it was a year ago. Although a teeny-tiny part of me still hopes that I will meet a woman one day, the reality of a crossdressing man in my country leaves me thinking that I will remain single for the rest of my life.

Thanks for sharing.