Ilene Close up in lt blue top-FC.jpeg
Forum Sisters,
For the souls who know me on this forum, thank you.
I've had the worst week of my life; certainly the worst week of coming to grips with my inner woman and my crossdressing. I've been away for a while, and for good reason. Please understand, friends.
The acceptance battle was a cause I was gradually losing since coming out a year ago. There was, at first, an initial show of support; or something like it. It wasn't genuine and eventually showed itself to be hollow.
Our “discussions” on my crossdressing and feelings about it rarely ended well. There was name calling and derision the likes of which we’d not seen in 40 yrs of being together. The latest fight was bad; very bad. Things came out that I had no idea hovered inside her.
I had just experienced over a month of “being Ilene”. My wife was gone to take care of our granddaughter on the east coast. I had many weeks to myself to dress how I wanted and when I wanted. Except for times when I had outside obligations, I pretty much lived full time as Ilene for those weeks; including an air travel trip to attend my uncle’s funeral. It was a beautiful experience, and when my wife returned in mid-July I was stoked and full of Ilene.
I could tell almost from her first days home that she came back with a bad attitude regarding my crossdressing; or any LGBT or transgender issues for that matter. I began to pick up snide & derogatory comments when such issues popped up on the radio/TV; and they were usually voiced as an indirect criticism of me.
The wife suddenly became a champion of “choice”; i.e. that this dressing-up thing (or any aberrant behavior) was simply a matter of choice. The growing implication was clear. I could make a conscious CHOICE to stop dressing up, and just don’t do it.
This was coming out of her after she spent over 50 yrs as a cigarette smoker. Early this year she became dreadfully ill with respiratory problems. During the period when it was literally impossible to smoke, she broke her addiction (with a shitload of help and understand from me, BTW). She became zealot against addiction in her conversion.
And now…. she was making the case that CD was like a drug, and addictive. I was an addict.
This came out during the latest knock-down/drag out. I was an addict. I could voluntarily and consciously give up this CD silliness. My CD was embarrassing for her and the family (who does not know).
There was her reminder from a year ago. “This ( the news of coming out) changed everything forever. Our marriage relationship will never be the same.” This was stated at the outset, and she never changed her mind on that. I had no clue as to how far it could go.
The worst thing that I learned from the argument was that “There’s no such thing as unconditional love. There’s always conditions.” After 40 yrs, I was absolutely devastated by that.
The main points that I took away: [ and raise your hand if you've ever heard any of these yourself];
- There is no such thing as unconditional love. There are always conditions.
- You have ruined my life (hers’) with this crossdressing. Coming out last July permanently changed everything forever. Our relationship would never be same.
- The world is upside down now. Cops are criminals. War is peace. Men wanting to be women. “This is just bizarre!”; as thoughI was being influenced or pushed by pop culture to express my inner woman.
- She doesn’t want to be married to a woman (period).
- I discovered she had been lurking around the crossdressers.com website I frequent for blogs, education and “support”. “You can turn to your little queer buddies on your blog site where they all talk about their supportive “S.O.’s”; with an extra contemptuous emphasis on the term S.O. She added that "it ain't happening with this S.O."
After a couple sleepless nights, I made the decision to put away Ilene. She didn’t say I had to dispose of Ilene, but the message was clear. Our marriage and life could not go on with Ilene in consideration.
The Wife was gone from the house taking a friend to lunch. I was home alone with no car. The truck was still in the shop. Normally it would be a wondrous afternoon of dressing as Ilene. But today was different.
I found myself literally sobbing as I plucked my lady clothes from the closet. Each item lovingly folded and placed in an old suitcase. The light blue blouse I favored recently. Sob. The brown print skirt and white blouse I wore traveling. Weep. When I packed my spirit dress, Lady Blue, I had to stop. I bawled and got it out of my system.
I couldn’t believe myself; a grown man crying over dresses. To outsider or casual observer I could understand how strange it must have appeared. Was something wrong with me?
All of it got put away in the old, smelly flowered suitcase we somehow acquired from relatives. I think it was Mom’s once. The makeup kit. My wigs. The shoes; everything including panties and bra. No vestiges of Ilene would be around the house to remind me.
Grief followed.
I began to “mourn” for Ilene. I could tell it was grief because it arose suddenly in swells like grieving for a lost parent or loved one. It grew pretty deep, and I found myself a spontaneously sobbing mess throughout the next day, and trying very carefully to hide my tears. I was despondent. I grieved for myself and my lost inner woman.
I know this is the long version. God,I thank you all for being able to get it off my chest. This is cathartic. But, I'm literally flying without a safety net here. I have no one. Can't confide in the wife now. Can't talk to my son. Don't have any friends locally that I can truly trust to understand Ilene. And all my good friends are old squadron mates who also wouldn't be approachable (at this time). I'm absolutely despondent about this, and have no idea of where I'm going now with this.
I need time. Right now, I think I will seek professional help; maybe a good gender therapist. I'm not going away from the Forum. I probably need it more than ever now.
v/r
Ilene
Originally Posted by IleneD
