I am new and have questions

[Soapstar411]

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I just recently found out a few months ago that my husband is a cross dresser. I didn't find out through him, I found out from a neighbor who had spotted him numerous times walking outside in women's clothing while I was at work. I was more shocked than anything. I confronted my husband about it and he admitted it was true. He can be a very quiet person and he finds it hard to discuss certain things, including his cross dressing. I asked him what makes him want to dress up like a woman, and he just shrugged his shoulders. Ever since I found out, he is not open about it with me, so I have no clue what he is feeling. I want him to be comfortable with talking to me about this. So I guess my question is, what causes a man to want to cross dress? Maybe if I get an answer from someone who is open to discuss, I may get a better understanding. I love my husband very much, and he was scared to tell me out of fear of me leaving him, but I wouldn't do that. I just want to understand is all. Looking forward to reading your responses. Thank you.

[Rachael Leigh]

Ah the million dollar question, well I'm afraid to tell you there is no one answer, many have had these feelings since childhood, myself included some were dressed by their mom or siblings. There just are so many things that trigger this in
us. Yes I also believe you can be born with this but that more comes with folks who truly are transgender.
Your husband could simply like wearing the clothes.
As you say he needs to talk with you about it, commucation is so important when a spouse finds this out.
I hope he will and give you some answers
Rachel Leigh

[pinklilly211]

Well,, Where do we begin? I've been crossdressing almost all my life, I know how your husband feels. For me it's something that's been with me forever! I just have a need to feel and be girly. I can't explain it, but It's always there. And just so you know, I'm not gay or have ever wanted to be with a man. I can't answer for your husband. you will have to ask or figure that out between the two of you. I guess that I just LOVE the soft and silky. It's so sensual. All I can suggest is try to talk to him in a comfortable situation. Any other questions,, I'm an open book!! Hudds, Lill

[Soapstar411]

Ah the million dollar question, well I'm afraid to tell you there is no one answer, many have had these feelings since childhood, myself included some were dressed by their mom or siblings. There just are so many things that trigger this in
us. Yes I also believe you can be born with this but that more comes with folks who truly are transgender.
Your husband could simply like wearing the clothes.
As you say he needs to talk with you about it, commucation is so important when a spouse finds this out.
I hope he will and give you some answers
Rachel Leigh

I agree, communication is definitely important! The day that I found out and he admitted it to me, he did tell me that it started when he was a kid, and that he was afraid of people finding out and making snide jokes about him having a boyfriend. He is a quiet and shy person who gets embarrassed very easily, which makes it even more harder for me to get him to open up. I asked him if it was more than the clothes, if he wanted to physically make the change into a woman, and he said no. I also asked him if he was or has ever been sexually attracted to men, and again he said no. I guess for me it's just one question after another because the only answer/discussion I got from him was the day I found out, and a little bit the day after. Thank you for your response! I hope he will begin to open up to me.

[prene]

Good Luck.

Communication is the best thing.

For me I have seen a therapist and she helped me.
It can not hurt I think.

Good Luck ... your spouse is lucky to have you.

Great you are here and this is a great site to hopefully get some answers.

[Brandy Mathews]

Soap,
Like Leigh said, this happens sometimes very young, like me, for others, later in life. And we don't even have an answer to it a lot of times ourselves. For me, I had a dad that was very mean, bad temper, made me lean toward my moms ways I think. He actually beat me and I hated him for that! So that is one reason that I love these forums so that at least we can say what we think. One thing that always gets me though, all that stuff happened so long long ago and you think that you could just let it go and forget it, but it just seems to haunt you all your life. ;(

[Soapstar411]

Well,, Where do we begin? I've been crossdressing almost all my life, I know how your husband feels. For me it's something that's been with me forever! I just have a need to feel and be girly. I can't explain it, but It's always there. And just so you know, I'm not gay or have ever wanted to be with a man. I can't answer for your husband. you will have to ask or figure that out between the two of you. I guess that I just LOVE the soft and silky. It's so sensual. All I can suggest is try to talk to him in a comfortable situation. Any other questions,, I'm an open book!! Hudds, Lill

I've wondered if my husband feels the same way. Because the day I found out, my husband told me it started for him when he was a kid. I asked him if he was into men as well and he said no, and that he wants to be with me. I'm honestly surprised too that by how quiet, shy and embarrassing he gets, that he was outside walking in women's clothing in broad daylight for the neighbors to see, yet he wouldn't tell me about it. I do feel hurt though that I had to find out from a neighbor and not from him. I've never actually seen him dressed up in women's clothing, but I do know now when he is crossdressing. He works swingshift now, so on certain nights he will come home and go into the other room, close the door and come out maybe 15 mins later to head to the sink to wash off his makeup. I have seen makeup residue in the sink which is why I know what he is doing at night. He does this thinking that I am sleep the entire time, but I can hear him and I know that he doesn't want me to wake up and walk out there to see him, which is why he has the door shut. He is creeping around and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. Do a lot of crossdressers feel this way even if a spouse or other family member finds out?

[Connie.Marie]

Soapstar411 let me say that you are a SUPERSTAR for wanting to know more about this and not immediately going on a rampage.

WELCOME to the site, we're glad that you're here. Once you make 10 posts, a lot more of the site will open up to you.

Each of us has our own reasons for doing this & to know for certain in your husbands case, he would need to tell you. This will take a lot of time & communication. As you say, he's afraid that you will leave him and not willing to talk about it. Do all you can to ease his mind. Maybe bring it up in a fun, lighthearted way as opposed to a serious "we've got to talk..." kind of way. He could be ashamed of his actions. Don't be surprised if he really isn't sure. You can read on many of these threads our musings & ramblings trying to figure out the answer to this exact question.

In my case it started with a fascination with cherry red lipstick in about 3rd grade. For me, the desire comes & goes over the years. Some times stronger than others. And the reasons change over the decades. Dressing is very seductive.

Maybe suggest that he read here. Good luck on this road & please don't give up on him.

Hugs, Connie

[Tracii G]

Welcome you have come to the right place to ask questions.
You need to understand he may be dealing with a lot of feelings that he may not have an answer for he may not know why he does it.
If he says he doesn't know he isn't lying to you because he truly may not know.
Keep this little tid bit of info 90% of crossdressing males are straight and married with kids so crossdressing has nothing to do with a persons sexual preference.
Just because he likes to wear womens clothes does not mean he wants to be a woman or that he will turn gay and start liking men.
Oh and another tid bit of info I am gay and none of my gay friends crossdress plus they think its gross and don't understand crossdressing.
I know that may go against what you have always thought but I'm telling you the honest truth.
Gender and sex are two totally different things and if he says he isn't gay then he isn't gay.
He wants to keep it hidden because he may feel guilt and shame because he enjoys it and thinks you will freak out and walk out on him.
Please keep talking and communicating and let him know you love him no matter what and he can tell you anything.
I must insist you keep his trust and don't tell anyone not even your best girlfriend or any of your or his family members.
If you break that trust its just as bad as if he broke trust in you. Trust is everything.

P.S. doing something like snooping around for his stash of dress up clothes is wrong and a trust breaker so PLEASE don't do that for his sake.
He has to feel comfortable in that trust before he can completely open up and discuss what is going on.

[Stephanie_V]

Kudos to you Soapstar for being supportive and wanting to understand! In my case, like many others it started when I was young. All I can say as to why is that at times it just feels 'right'. To echo the others, every person has their own reasons. Only your husband can answer his own personal why.

As for communication, sounds like it's gonna be a hard nut to crack. He has probably been a closeted crossdresser that it's difficult for him to open up about it. Tack on that he's shy makes it more difficult. My suggestion? Write him a letter. Tell him how you feel. List the reasons why you love him. Let him know that although you were shocked, you want to know more so that you can be supportive. Maybe give a list of questions you might have so that he can think of the answers without being overwhelmed.

You can also direct him to this site, it's a great community for both the crossdresser as well as their significant others. It might help him to open up knowing that there are other crossdressers out there like him.

[Tracii G]

Stephanie V makes some great suggestions a letter is a great idea.
Once you get 10 posts you can join the F.A.B (female at birth) section and talk with other women going thru the same thing you are.
Its a great tool for understanding so please join F.A.B first chance you get.

[NewBrendaLee]

I too have crossdresser since I was a young child. Its hard to say other than its a strong desire. When I was in puberty I really enjoyed it.

[jack-ie]

First, let me say that, based on your reaction, you must be a wonderful, loving and caring lady.
Most of us have hidden our desires to dress at some point in our lives. I know I did. It wasn't until I met a loving and understanding woman that I began to dress seriously and it was, as if, a burden had been relieved from my shoulders.
If your husband was outside in femme, I suspect that he, perhaps subconsciously, wanted you to find out but was afraid to broach the subject. Right now I suspect he is full of guilt and see your questions as accusatory.
Become his friend, tell him you just want to help. Maybe offer him some closet space for his "other" things. My Lady very patiently taught me to do my own makeup and dress tastefully. As this was happening, I opened up to her as I had never opened up to anyone before. We became not only man and wife but best friends. We all want a friend to confide in.
You may look back on this as a bump in the road leading to an even stronger relationship.

[Aunt Kelly]

Welcome to the forum, Soapstar41.
Let me add my compliments on your desire to seek out information and understanding. That says a lot. Already you have seen that there will be a firehose of information coming at you. Many of our stories are similar, but everyone is different as well. From all the commonality you can safely take away that being transgender is a fairly... well, common occurrence. A small fraction of the population, yes, but far from rare. What you can take away from all the variety is that there is still a great deal to learn about it. To me, the fact that we come from so many wildly divergent backgrounds and cultures points strongly to it being something we are born with. But that's just me. If you want to review the literature, you'll find no shortage of recommendations.

I'm happy to share my story, if it would help, but it's just one of many. I'd rather focus on your discovery and maybe help you understand what might be going on with him. I emphasize "might" because I'm just working from what I know about others with similar stories. I don't know you or him, so take it for what it's worth.

You've shares that he is already shy and closed-mouthed about his dressing. It is almost certain that he carries around no small amount of shame over it. Most of the people he's ever known have made it clear that what he's doing is "wrong". Maybe he was confronted about it when he was younger, maybe not. It doesn't matter, there's still a lot of misinformed and hateful people out there. That's why he hid it from you. He wasn't sharing his secret by appearing dressed in public. Sometimes even a little anonymity is enough to let someone who desperately needs to express their feminine side do exactly that. Believe it or not, that's a lot easier than "having the talk" with an SO for many of us.
So what can you do? Let him know that you are not angry. It is fair to say that you are disappointed that he chose not to share this part of himself with you, but make sure that he knows that you are looking to understand him better, now that the secret is out. You will need to determine how much of this you are comfortable with. You will both need open communication for things to proceed in a healthy way, without hard feelings, a continued perceived need for subterfuge, etc. Professional counseling, with therapist qualified to handle gender issues, will help.

Please feel free to ask any specific questions you like. Once you've made ten posts, you can send a private message if that suits you better.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Tracy Irving]

I had a totally normal middle class suburban childhood yet I would still lock myself in my parents room and put on my mother's panties. No idea why I would do it and I don't even care to find out. But I do want to know when the next time I can dress is (in-laws are visiting all month). Knowing he has your support and maybe some future encouragement may go a long way.

[Cassiek]

Welcome to the family. Like many have already stated you are a true saint. Your husband truly found a great woman when he asked for your hand. I am in the 90% group. I am still closeted. I believe my wife knows of my desire to dress and wish she would be as open as yourself. As for why fir me it started when I was very young and experienced the feeling of my mothers silky smooth pantyhose slips panties and bras. After touching them and experimenting with them on my own skin I was hooked. I would often sneak into her lingerie drawer try on a few things and feel great. Today I have a stash of clothes Including panties bras stockings pantyhose dresses heels makeup jewelry breastforms and a wig. When I slip into my girl clothes I am able to put all of my stresses behind and feel completely relaxed. I hope listening to all of our stories helps you and your husband in this new chapter of your lives.

[Teresa]

Soapstar,
I'm going to suggest if he won't talk about it ask him if he's prepared to write it all down, how it started and what has happened since and what he would like to do about it in the future. He just needs to be honest with himself, no fancy stuff or BS. Like me he may discover something about himself , the penny may drop . If ahe is prepared to do this he may understand it himself more clearly and be prepared to let you read it. I'm sure the conversation will flow after that. If not maybe counseling will bring him out enough to set the ball rolling.

We may be slightly reluctant because it's very hard initially for a man to accept he does this and why , the fact he is prepared to be seen by neighbours shows he's more out than you think.

The other suggestion is if he likes to go out maybe find a social group where he can dress and chat to other CDers, he may not want to dress around the home as much , it may bring it into perspective with him .

Please remember many of us are born this way , it's not a cop out to say we are wired differently, maybe look at it another way and see it as we have a little extra going on in our brains . Dressing shows the World our inner needs and feelings, long term it can't be suppressed, and it won't stop, no matter what objections and rules you make. He may appear at time selfish if he is tell him so because it can get out of hand and it's easy to lose sight of other obligations.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I honestly think the thing you'd be better off focusing on is his reluctance to open up about his feelings, because that colours your entire marriage - crossdressing is only one part of his personality.

We're all open to discussing crossdressing, so I hope the answers here are of help to you, but if you start approaching him head-on about it he may just retreat further into his shell. There is a bigger issue to address and it's going to be very difficult for him.

I suggest approaching conversations from the position of 'I feel...' rather than 'Why do you -?'

Very best wishes and please let us know how it goes.

[SaraLin]

Soapstar411,
There are a bunch of great thoughts and suggestions from the others already, so I won't bother to repeat them. There is one suggestion though, that I might have a bit of a problem with.

Several of the girls have suggested that you and your husband seek counselling, and while it would almost certainly help, there is a risk with you bringing it up.

If you're not VERY careful, he might interpret this as you thinking that there is something wrong with him that needs to be cured - or that you're having trouble with his dressing, and that there is a risk of your leaving. Either of these ideas could drive him even deeper into denial/hiding/self-hatred. So - if you bring up the idea at all, do so very gently and tactfully.

another - last minute thought - when he comes back from one of his "other room" sessions, rather than pretend that you were sleeping the whole time, maybe you could simply roll over, give him a kiss and say something like "you don't to hide it anymore, you know" and go back to sleep - letting him know that you're aware of what he's doing, and it's not a big deal to you. (or something such).

I know that in my past/present relationships, it would have meant the world to me to have had that kind of love.

[Lacey New]

Soapstar,
First of all, I want to thank,you for being a wonderful caring woman who is willing to work through this discovery with your husband rather than to run away. You are much to be admired.
I wish there was some way to explain why we crossdress. I will admit that when I first stared years ago entering puberty experimenting with my mothers and sisters underwear, it was thrill, both sexually and the taboo of the act. Perhaps there was some Pavlovian conditioning going on as the act of self gratification was almost always involved. So that's as close as I can get to explaining the "why" part.
As to your husband's reluctance to talk about it, I am sure that he has some degree of embarrassment. Perhaps that you may no longer see him as the man you thought he was. Also that perhaps he has disappointed you by hiding his cross dressing. And finally, he may simply be fearful that you might leave him.
I don't pretend to be speaking for him. I can't. However, I can only tell you the feelings I would have in similar circumstances. One last thought thought would be that within this whole mix of emotions, I'm sure that he still cares for you.

[Helen_Highwater]

Hi Soapstar,

Welcome and can I add well done for making the effort to be here and for supporting your SO.

I think it's worth stating at the outset that even for many who've been on this forum for years, the stigma that society displayed towards cross-dressers or trannies as they used to be referred to, sits deep even today in our more enlightened times. Hence trying to be open about it even to a loved one who is supportive can be extremely difficult. One other thing that's worth noting is that many correlate CD'ing with being Gay. I've no real figures but it does seem that the incidence of CD'ers who are Gay is about the same per head of population as non CD'ers.

I can't tell you what drew me to CD'ing. I know it makes me feel better, more relaxed and it fulfills something in my personality. Are there times you put on a new dress, look in the mirror and not only like what you see but also like how it feels. Well if you experience that is it any surprise that some men do as well. One of those here has a tag line that goes something like; "They're not women's clothes, they're my clothes". Do you wear trousers? Well aren't they men's clothes. For you it's socially acceptable. Not quite there yet for men to wear skirts.

As for getting him to open up. Forget asking the why's, you're probably better off asking the what's. What's his fave sort of clothing, dresses, skirts. Engage him by suggesting you shop together. Make him feel more comfortable that you're really on his side and willing to support him. Once he's sure you're not thinking of his activities in a negative way then things are more likely to move forward.

[alwayshave]

Soapstar, You seem like a loving and caring person and I'm glad that you are searching out answers to your concerns. One of the reasons crossdressers hide are society's preconceived notions of crossdressers reflected in your questions, are you gay and do you want to transition. For myself and many here the question is no. However, these questions have caused us to hide. Also, for those of us who were caught early on, I've been dressing since I was 4 or 5 years old, we have been ridiculed, so we hide. I have an accepting fiancee, we have had our issues, but I told her early on even though I am very shy. I hope that overtime your husband opens up to you.

[DMichele]

Hi SoapStar,
Welcome to the forum. I commend you for searching for answers to understand your husband's crossdressing. The advice given below is all very good, and as you can see many of us started crossdressing at a very early age. While many identify as crossdressers some of us today identify as non-binary transgender.

Although it appears that your husband is reluctant to discuss the matter with you, he has the confidence to venture out the door as himself/herself. Many of us struggle with leaving the closet. I only mention this so that perhaps you can strike a conversation, such as where do you go?

The woman walking out the door may be the authentic person, who unfortunately is too scared to share this with you. I hope you are able to break the ice and open a dialog with your husband.

[Alyssa Lane]

I've wondered if my husband feels the same way. Because the day I found out, my husband told me it started for him when he was a kid. I asked him if he was into men as well and he said no, and that he wants to be with me. I'm honestly surprised too that by how quiet, shy and embarrassing he gets, that he was outside walking in women's clothing in broad daylight for the neighbors to see, yet he wouldn't tell me about it. I do feel hurt though that I had to find out from a neighbor and not from him. I've never actually seen him dressed up in women's clothing, but I do know now when he is crossdressing. He works swingshift now, so on certain nights he will come home and go into the other room, close the door and come out maybe 15 mins later to head to the sink to wash off his makeup. I have seen makeup residue in the sink which is why I know what he is doing at night. He does this thinking that I am sleep the entire time, but I can hear him and I know that he doesn't want me to wake up and walk out there to see him, which is why he has the door shut. He is creeping around and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. Do a lot of crossdressers feel this way even if a spouse or other family member finds out?

Im the same way, work alternating shifts, I do that at night because she is sleeping and I don't want to bother her, or force her to have to see me dressed up. Being the guy, always thinking I need to be in guy mode when she is around so she won't look at me and be disgusted. I'm sure if your 1000% ok with seeing him out, put something out for him and ask to see him try it on, or buy something you think he needs, but only if your fine with it. He might be a bit more open if he can know that you are fine with it, although it might be where it happens often.
To be honest, I will go outside, and do the same when she is at work, or even go to the store with a top and breast forms and a bra, just because it feels so to speak "right". Just like im sitting here doing the same right now, I just do it because I like it, and that's usually the reason to do anything in life. You only live once.....

[Samm]

Welcome! I'm really quiet and reserved myself. I've always found it difficult to get my feelings and thoughts out. I still do. Sticking to simple questions with yes or no answers may be the way to go to start with. It helped me when I told my wife (then girlfriend). I think you're on the right track, being supportive, and wanting to understand and learn more. Trust me when I say there's no pleasure in sneaking around at night or when you're not home whatsoever. It's all he knows. I think once he realizes how supportive you are he will open up. It sounds like right now, he just doesn't know how to. Just remember, some questions he may not have answers for right now. Many of us here are still figuring out who we are, and where we're going.