I am new and have questions

[Soapstar411]

Ressie
I do know why he walks out at night. It is because that's the only time he can do it. He works all day and doesn't get off until late. On his days off he has his son and I know he doesn't dress around him. We both lead a very busy life and are rarely at home. I want to say something to him so badly without scaring or embarrassing him. I just fear for his safety and want him to be aware, because you never know who might be watching him. So many hateful people in this world


ClosetED

I honestly and highly doubt he will let me help him dress. He gets way too embarrassed and I don't know if we would ever get to that point. I'm just still surprised that as embarrassed as he gets, he walks outside for anyone to potentially see him. Before he got his work schedule switched around, he was walking outside in the mornings, and that is how I found out, from a neighbor seeing him. Should I voice to him my concerns about him going out at night? I don't want to come off the wrong way. Or maybe I should just leave it alone.

[Ariana225]

Soapstar,

I suggest you talk to him about everything and make it clear that this isn't a deal breaker for you and that you love him still. Open communication is probably the only way you can go to get on the same page as him.

I suggest you also pick up the book "My Husband wears my clothes" by Peggy J Rudd and it will give you a perspective, from a wife, into the world of crossdressing. Not every crossdresser is the same, some have certain flavors they like and know where they want to set their limits at.

As it was previously mentioned, once you get to 10 posts you can join the GG forum on this site! Good luck!

[ellbee]

I'm honestly surprised too that by how quiet, shy and embarrassing he gets, that he was outside walking in women's clothing in broad daylight for the neighbors to see, yet he wouldn't tell me about it. I do feel hurt though that I had to find out from a neighbor and not from him.

While I understand where you're coming from, I honestly wouldn't let that become too much of an issue.

I say this, because oftentimes it's simply too difficult, at least at first, to share something like this with those who we care most about. We're afraid of judgement, of non-acceptance, of ridicule, etc. We can also be scared of how something like this could affect our most important relationships.


Here's what I mean: Personally, I have no issue with going around town running errands in the middle of the day while wearing an outfit consisting entirely of women's work-out attire, including leggings with a pretty femmy print, while in "guy-mode" (no make-up or wig or anything). All these people see me... But since they are not really a big part of my life, I really don't care.

However, there's no way in heck I would wear that while visiting my parents, for example.

Just the way it is.


Give it time. Try to be cool & understanding of it all. Hopefully your hubby will eventually open up about it more.

[ClosetED]

If he is willing to go out during the daytime dressed in your own neighborhood, he is either very confidant in his ability to pass or does not care, in my opinion. While he is likely to not let you dress him now, start slow and try to convince him you are getting involved due to love, not hate / fear. Let him know the neighbor told you - so his secret is out somewhat. Was this his plan? You want him to be happy and to not have to hide this part of him if it makes him happy. You had fears (gay/transition) - ask him if he would tell you his fears. Maybe his shyness is part of being on Asperger/Autism spectrum and you have to be very clear of what you want - innuendo may not work. I would not make offers that you can't keep.
I would vote for telling him your fears for his personal safety going out at night - not at exposure or embarrassment - that has already happened to some extent. You care about him and your happiness as a couple. Hold him to make him feel safe - ask him to let you into his world so you can help him be happy with you. That sharing this would bring you closer, not apart. (Assuming that is true-that you can accept this)
Even if he does not speak, he will hear it. It will take time.
If catalog looking or buying an item is too much, ask his opinion on your outfits, like you would ask a girlfriend. Don't let him give a "Fine." See if he would make suggestions for what would go with this skirt, which shoes are better. How is my makeup - did I use to much blush or the right shade of lipstick? Maybe those wil draw his other side out.
You know him best - just tossing out ideas. I am 57 yr old physician with wife who knows and has gone back and forth from minimal participation, to Don't Ask Don't Tell, to very participating and seeing pictures of me dressed, and now back to silent treatment. These wide swings are also common in wives, so we advise going slow.
Hugs, Ellen

[Charlotte Ann]

Hello there Soap,
As your question was directed towards the crossdressers I cannot comment but as a wife and a GG I want to reach out with a big hug ! Thank you for wanting to support your husband and trying to understand. Many wives do not infact quite the opposite so kudos to you lovely lady. Keep being you all will be fine
C

[Alice Torn]

Since you are so busy, and do not get much time with him, maybe consider after much reading on this site, a loving, heartfelt kind letter to him, being very understanding and accepting of him, and his dressing.

[Tahoegurl]

Hi soapstar, everyone is going to have their own take on this topic because it is personal and uniquely individual. I would offer that you need to offer that you are willing to have a conversation about his choice to dress. Then it is up to him to come to you, reassurance that you are not going anywhere might help foster the discussion. You also need to take care of you...so you met want to find some support in the interim.

[Soapstar411]

Alice Torn,

A letter may help. I just have to watch my wording because I don't want to make him feel any more uncomfortable than he already is. Thank you!

[karenph]

Hi Soapstar, just a thought, instead of a letter give him gift(s) of clothing that you think might look good on him. Leave him the gifts to open on his own with a note that you would like to seem him wearing the gift(s) sometime. Leave it open ended. Spread out the gifts over a few weeks, or whatever time horizon you find comfortable. In this way you would be showing your support without pressing, and your SO will really appreciate it. At some point your SO will start talking to you about the gifts.

[Tracii G]

The small gift idea with a short note is a good one thanks Karenph.
That way you are letting him know you love him and his girl side without pushing too hard.
I know I would love it and be more likely to open up because its such a sweet thoughtful thing to do.

[Joanne108]

For me the desire to crossdress stems from seeing the image of a woman in the mirror rather than my own image. I think it is kind of cool to do so. When I started out, the level of expertise I had was imaginary; now I'm adequate at changing my look to that of a woman. My guess is that he is afraid of what you may say if you knew. I know that I would like to talk to my wife more about my crossdressing, however I feel somewhat frightened even though I know she isn't going to leave. Good luck.

[pinklilly211]

Hmmmmmm, Why not print out this thread and show him? Just a thought! Huggs Lill

[Bobbi46]

Do both, print out this thread but also do the gift things as well

[greeneyes]

Hi Soap, welcome to the forum. my husband is also a CD and did not share with me at first. There is a lot of shame and negative feelings related to crossdressing. And if you read enough of this forum, you will see a lot of CD's have shared with their SO and been scorned by them later in the relationship..even by women that have acted like they were completely accepting. Kinda makes you take a step back and realize, to him...to share...is to risk everything. But I believe, that it is just a part of them...and they cannot change it, even if they wanted to. I think you should introduce him to this page....he may need it more than you! Remember: just because he is a CD does NOT mean he is Gay or wants to be a woman- a lot of CD's are straight men that do not feel the need to actually BE a woman. Stay open minded, this journey can be fun, and an added layer to your relationship if you keep an open mind and do not be swayed by "social rules". Feel free to message me if you would like. Good luck to both of you, communicate and be patient!! ((hugs)) greeneyes

[randilipps]

I find this topic interesting and very useful. I started to wear women's panties at first. Under my causal clothes and work clothes. I travel at times have would only bring panties. When I'm home alone I will dress in panties and thigh high stockings. I have a couple of mini skirts and I've bought a bra with fake boobs.
To be honest I'm not sure why or what makes be do this. I'm still trying to figure myself out.

[Bobbi46]

Hi Soap your husband is one lucky man to have someone as understanding as you who is patient enough o find out the answers to it all. from what you have said so far I cannot see this having anything else other than a very happy conclusion indeed. Just take it a step at a time if he is as shy as you say I would not push things too fast but draw the story out of him bit by bit all will be good for you both.

[sometimes_miss]

Soapstar, I've sat on the sidelines now for a few days, in order to see what everyone has written. I've been here nearly ten years, yet I still don't see much in the way of folks who actually know why they crossdress, so don't expect him to be able to tell you. Now, why do we? After all, we can figure out so much. Yet this appears to escape us. I have a hypothesis. Bear with me. And perhaps forgive all the rambling, because I just woke up.
First, we don't do this to hurt anyone. No male starts dressing up in female clothing with the intention of disappointing his SO, his family, his friends. And we are almost universally ashamed of what we're doing, especially the fact that we cannot stop ourselves from dressing up. This, even though we know that it's not our fault. After all, no one would actually choose to do this, with all the potential problems that come along with it.
And, he hasn't changed. He's still exactly the same person that he was before. He loves you just as much. The only thing that's changed, is how you see him. He's the same. You aren't. And no matter what he does, or does not do, you are in control of how you decide to deal with this new information about him. Please, please be patient, and try your best to tolerate how he feels. Really, it's going to be harder on him, than you, even if you can't quite understand why. Because now he has to face being 'found out' and deal with all the feelings of shame that accompany that.
Now, it's not an obsession, because it doesn't respond to treatment for OCD. It's not an addiction, because treatment for that doesn't work, either. And it's not a hobby, that could be replaced with some other activity. There's some much deeper reason why we do this, and our often inability to face that, is why so many have been unable to figure it out. It's not our fault. None of us asked for this. Something happened to us that altered what we feel ourselves to be, whether it's just the thrill and excitement of dressing up and the danger of getting caught doing it, or for some reason we feel the need to self identify as female. There is no one, single reason for crossdressing, and that's the rub, and why the search for that ONE reason constantly fails. Because it's different for each of us. Whether there's some genetic predisposition for crossdressing, whether it's due to some hormonal fluctuation during pregnancy or even after birth, how we're treated as infants, a traumatic experience later, or perhaps some combination of those factors, the end result is that we're stuck with a desire to do something that we are told is absolutely, positively unacceptable for any boy to do.
After all, if it were just about the clothes, that doesn't explain all the make up, wigs, breast forms, tucking, desire to wear shoes that are uncomfortable (but we want to wear them anyway), etc.. Something is causing us to want to feel as if we are female in some way. One of the biggest complications is, sex. Even for those of us who started crossdressing before puberty, once the testosterone starts flowing, we're pretty much horny all the time. And when the desire to crossdress occurs at the same time as when we're horny, it can make things very confusing, and almost impossible to separate, because we can start to link the two together. This we see often; a man who feels the need to dress up and behave as a female, yet isn't attracted to men at all. That's an almost impossible contradiction for a layman to figure out. It took me almost 30 years, of studying every psychology source I could find, to figure myself out. And it looks like I may be one of the very few who knows pretty much with certainty, why I crossdress. But you can read my bio for that if you want, the link is in my sig at the bottom of my post here.
The biggest obstacle is how we're brought up. From the moment we understand that we are boys, we are almost constantly pressured to avoid anything feminine. For a boy, we are told that being feminine in any way, is the worst possible thing we can be. Nothing brands us as a failure as a man, as being labeled as a sissy. Think; women will date scoundrels, thieves, wife beaters, murderers, assassins, traitors, but the one thing that nearly always seems to mark us as unacceptable, is being a sissy. The result of this, is that we will tend to deny to ourselves AND others any connection to being feminine. And that can make it impossible to figure out why we are so completely unable to permanently stop dressing up in female clothing. So, like it or not, we're stuck with this. In some cases, the man is able to stop for a while, and then it occurs to him that maybe he's cured, that he's beaten the desire, that it's something behind him. In my own case, I stopped dressing for over ten years; I got married thinking that I'd never do it again, that maybe it was just a phase I was going through when growing up. But the desire never went away, it just remained dormant. And when conditions were right, it came back to the forefront of my mind, and never left. I'm not saying that this is your husband's experience, but it's possible.
What we need to remember is that this is not about you. It's coming from something else in his psyche. The best thing you can do, is support him, as you both try to come to accept this behavior in him. After all, he's committed no crime. All he's tried to do, is live up to what everyone else wants him to be. And sometimes the stress of that, pushes him over the edge and the desire to crossdress becomes too much to hold back.

I don't want my husband to feel like he is alone. I have told him many times that he can tell me anything. I'm hoping he will reach out and communicate to me.

The problem with that scenario, is that men usually discover that when women tell us that we can tell you anything, what it really means is that you want us to tell you what you want to hear. For example, when a woman asks what a man's fantasies are, she usually wishes to be told some sort of romantic escapade; she does not usually want to hear about his desire to have a three way with her and her much hotter best friend where she sits and watch the two of them go at it. That's just an example, though.

I want to say something to him so badly without scaring or embarrassing him.

Perhaps you should write it down. During discussion, it's easy to forget all the things you wanted to say, and if an argument ensues, things can accidentally escalate when you didn't want that to ever happen. Let him read it in private, offer to let him write something down in response, and don't demand that he do it right away. Let him compose his thoughts the same way you do, as if he is rushed, he might leave something very important out of the discussion, and that can be disastrous, I know this from experience.

I suggest you talk to him about everything and make it clear that this isn't a deal breaker for you and that you love him still.

+1 on this ^. It's the reason why most of us who are divorced wound up this way. I'm not blaming my ex; I understand her feelings, and she couldn't help it that just the thought of me in a dress resulted in her being sexually turned off from then on. But It's still hard for me ,to live with, knowing that the chance of ever finding a woman who's OK with crossdressing is about as possible as winning the lottery.
As always, I am available for any questions, and I'm pretty sure the rest of us are, too. PM as needed. And get some more posts up, if only to say me too or whatever, so you have access to the rest of the forum. There's a huge amount of information available here. Remember, not everyone's experience is the same, and there's a tendency for each of us to wish our own experience is the same as others, at least so we can feel that we're at least normal to someone out there.

So. My understanding, is that for whatever reason, we feel the need to self identify as female, with the tactile, visual, perhaps olfactory and auditory as well, feedback that dressing up and indulging in everything female, returns to us. Might only be because we want to dress up, and being female would make that acceptable. Or any of dozens of other reasons. But it explains why we feel more comfortable in female clothes, than male clothes.

[Soapstar411]

Sometimes_miss,

You gave out a lot of good advice and points. Thank you so much! Yes I had figured it was more than just the clothing with my husband, considering I know he wears a wig and makeup as well. It's comforting knowing that I'm able to talk on this forum and get some great feedback. Hopefully one day I will get that from my husband. In all honesty, his embarrassment just makes it that much harder for me to say something to him, even though I want to. I want us to have that open communication with each other, and I know it will take us a while to get there.

And my husband had told me (on the day that I found out) that he had stopped for a while, but then started up again. And I'm pretty sure that when we first got together that he wasn't doing it. We are newlyweds and have only been married a year, and just this past year is when I noticed he was hiding something from me, I just had no idea this was it.

Thank you again for all of your advice!

[Tracii G]

And how lucky you are to know its only him CDing and not something else.

[Ressie]

Hey Soapstar, I've been wondering what age group you're in. Married for a year is a clue but people get remarried or even married for the first time at all ages.

You may have already gathered from previous posts that it's rare for a CD to quit permanently. The desire to dress pretty much always comes back eventually.

Also let me ask - how big of a problem is this for you? Some spouses actually think it's kind of cool, some reluctantly accept it, while others say no way Jose. It's too bad he's embarrassed and won't open up to you. It's a phase that many of us CDs go through.

I've seen quite a few crossdressers dress for the very first time in front of other crossdressers at support meetings and they are usually very shy at the first meeting. They tend to come out of their shell after a couple more get togethers and start to have fun crossdressing rather than having those negative feelings. Many of us dress secretly for years and years or even decades. Dressing with others in a light and casual setting has been enlightening for me and many others. I think you'll have to kind of milk it. Take it slow.

[Tracii G]

Ressie has a good point maybe you two can join a Trans support group in your area.
My group helped me so much and I have made lots of good friends being a part of the group.
We go out to dinner as a group and what is nice the spouses all all welcome to participate in any thing we do as a group.
Trans groups are not a swingers club type things we actually discuss legal and trans issues.
We also help members deal with things like what you are dealing with right now.
Don't assume there is no trans group in your area because trans groups are very common you just never heard about them.

[Nora TBD]

Hi Soapstar. I applaud you for seeking answers. If your husband is willing, counseling could only help. Many CDs fear losing their partners over this, so his fear is well founded.... lucky for him it wasn't true in your case. Good luck and many blessings.

[marlacd]

You gained a good many admirers here by being understanding. Not all of us have that luxury.

The answer to the why, can be as individual as we are. It's entirely possible that he doesn't know the why behind his dressing. Some, like me, don't want to know. Or, even if we did, we may not want to stop. I could rattle off dozens of reasons why I want to. But since I'm not your husband, my reasons don't matter to you.

By this time on this thread, you should have gotten plenty of ideas on how to approach him on it. Actually, if you wanted support, or ways to go about dealing with him, you came to the right place. Kinda like that old slogan, "As you travel, ask us" I doubt that we consider ourselves gurus on the subject, but we have been there, done that.

Look at it this way- you just got a bunch of friends that you never met yet.

[Soapstar411]

Hi Charlotte Ann,

Thank you very much! I'm hoping I can talk with more wives and GF's of crossdressers on here. I haven't logged on in a little while, but as of now nothing has changed and he still hasn't opened up to me since the day I found out. So it is quite a relief to be able to come here and talk.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Ressie,

We're a young couple, in our early 30s. And honestly, the dressing part itself isn't a deal breaker. However, if it were more to it than that, such as fully transitioning, or being sexually attracted to men, I don't know how I would feel about it. I did ask him the first day I found out if he was attracted to men and he said no, but he never went into detail and still doesn't talk to me about it. He didn't notice that I noticed him last night sneaking into the other bedroom with a big package. But I don't have to look into the bag to already know that he bought more women's clothing. It just bothers me right now that he won't open up to me, and I wish he would. I don't want to push him, so I will just continue to be there and support him.

[5150 Girl]

Well Soapstar, There is no one answer as to the "Why" question. The reasons are as vast as the number of stars in the galaxy. Many folks don't even know themselves why they are drawn to it they just are. For others it's just a kink or a fetish. But still others, like me, do it to express how they feel on the inside. Many Native American Tribes believed that those who are comfortable expressing both genders were blessed by the great spirits with 2 souls. They were also believed to be the perfect mate, and were also regarded as being more artistic, creative, problem solving, ect...

And yea, I can dig that he would care more about what you, his intimate partner thinks than strangers / neighbors.

My best idea to bring hubby around may be to find his stash, and get his size and a sample of his taste. Then go buy him a nice dress and/or outfit, and ask (or tell) him to model it for you.