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Thread: Is it wrong to Judge

  1. #1
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Is it wrong to Judge

    I was out at my favorite watering hole with my fiancee, which overlooks a street in DC with many bars, restaurants, and night clubs, so there are lots of people who walk along the street. It was early in the evening prior to dusk and a fellow cross dresser walks by in a long dark dress, wig, no makeup, five-o-clock shadow, sneakers (chucks), black socks and hairy legs.

    I tend to dress very girly, always shave my face twice and wear makeup with beard cover and my legs have not had hair on them in more than a decade. So, I tend to project my dressing standards on other dresser. I'd like to be more than a man-in-a-dress. So was I wrong to judge this individuals choices?

    Interestingly, the same women walked by again with her wife and maybe three year old child. This time my fiancee sees and is none to happy about this being exposed to the child. She is accepting of my dressing but did not like the exposure of the child to crossdressing. I told my fiancee that's the parents call. She disagreed.

    So I was defending and judging at the same moment. I guess sometimes I confuse myself.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  2. #2
    Member StephanieM's Avatar
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    I suppose it's like most things, we tend to think our way of doing things is the right way and other ways are wrong, and I don't mean just CDing. So when we see someone doing something we tend to judge them whether we mean to or not.

    As for the defense part, it's also natural to defend those like us when someone else criticizes them. I suppose it's like don't pick on my brother only I can do that.

  3. #3
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    We all have standards that we try to live by, and occasionally we do judge others by them. This individual is expressing themselves in their own standard. They may just be a crossdresser and nothing more, the majority on this site are not only crossdressers but female emulators. I think that is where you were coming from.

    As for the children, you are right it is the parents responsibilty to teach. IMHO they were right to show that it is OK to express yourself in any way you wish, of course as long as it is legal. In today's modern society children are exposed to more damaging images/situations than seeing a bearded man in a dress, if it had not been one of the adults with them, it could have been any other man in a dress walking down the street minding their own business.

    Prior to my coming out our daughter saw a crossdresser in our local Woolworths. She simply stated "Dad that man is wearing a dress". My respons was, "Is there anything wrong with that?". A simple reply was "No dad". That was the end of the matter for her and she went on with the rest of her day.
    Listen carefully to what is said, quite often you can hear what is not being said

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  4. #4
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    It is not nice to judge! They did not meet your standards but why would they have to live by your standards? I was the same as you either fully dress and be like a female or don't do it at all! NO! After being on this site and reading threads and just thinking about it! (Phili comes to mind!) There are those who do not meet our standards and guess what they do not have to! It is their journey not ours! I think Phili presents well and is a very good representation of those who do not wish to shave! We are doing to them like the outside muggle world is doing to all of us! Acceptance in our world is key to our growth!
    (Phili if I spelled the name wrong-sorry!)
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  5. #5
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    Yes it is wrong to judge.Maybe that is who she is maybe her comfort level, you don't know. Do you want others judging you when you go out? Or do you just want to be excepted?

    I am interested in your fiances reaction to the child being exposed, as you implied you go out and she is accepting of your dressing. So she is ok with ither poeples children being exposed but not the crissdressers?

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lana Mae View Post
    .. It is their journey not ours! We are doing to them like the outside muggle world is doing to all of us! Acceptance in our world is key to our growth!

    Hugs Lana Mae
    index.jpg ppppppp
    Listen carefully to what is said, quite often you can hear what is not being said

    The joy of correcting a mistake can bring pain to another

  7. #7
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Man in a dress is the question? Where do you draw the line, or do you? The look is not for me, but if this is you, I will support you. As I have said I have met two persons dressed this way , well men in skirts. Then there is fashion. This what I see it is all about. I wear what i like and works for me.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    I'll admit that I react when I see that sort of thing as well. I don't think it's judgement in my case. I do cringe but I think I have an over devolved sense of empathy so seeing that makes me feel what it would be like for ME to be out "half dressed" and it makes me viscerally uncomfortable.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alwayshave View Post
    So, I tend to project my dressing standards on other dresser. I'd like to be more than a man-in-a-dress. So was I wrong to judge this individuals choice?
    You have every right to feel the way you do about this individual just as he has every right judge you. As long as you keep it to yourself there is no problem. It is when you try to take away freedom and force your standards on someone else I draw the line.

  10. #10
    Mannequiniste ! Stacy Darling's Avatar
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    People judging each other in this day is no better than it has ever been, less time judging and more time spent helping/promoting.

    As far as exposing a child to reality goes?

    If I say anymore I shall be only quoting Lana Mae and Nigella!

    Stacy!
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  11. #11
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wbdavid View Post
    I am interested in your fiances reaction to the child being exposed, as you implied you go out and she is accepting of your dressing. So she is ok with ither poeples children being exposed but not the crissdressers?
    Wbdavid, when out with her we tend go to transfriendly bars and other venues which do not have anyone under 21. Though your point is well taken, at least by me.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  12. #12
    Platinum Blonde member Ressie's Avatar
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    But many crossdressers are out during the day too. Some children are gonna be exposed to CDs/TGs while others won't until they're a little older. Should kids live an uber sheltered life? If so, that's how they become ignorant adults.
    "You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder

  13. #13
    Gold Member ~Joanne~'s Avatar
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    I wish I could say that I don't judge but honestly, in one way or another we all do whether we like it or not. Half dressed will always make me cringe, I don't know why, but it does not that I see a lot of CD's around here. I agree that whether the child is subjected to it or not is the parents choice, like Ressie said: sheltering your kids to everything that is life will make them ignorant adults.
    Flip Flops were made for Beaches & Bath Houses, We have neither in 2017. Lose the flip flops!

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member jenna116's Avatar
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    Wrong to judge? Well, maybe. But then again, don't we all do it?

    My wife and I will often comment to each other about people we see that have a nice look to them. We will also comment about those that apparently have no mirrors to check their appearance.
    Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.

  15. #15
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    I see nothing wrong to judge a person's presentation. You've never made a comment of a man's attire when his butt crack is fully exposed because he is morbidly obese and wears ill fitting pants? Or his beer gut sticks out from under his tee shirt? No matter how much I may enjoy a nicely shaped woman, I do not think the young woman cashier at my local Target wearing a top with her boobs falling out is appropriate. I would not choose to not associate with a person because of his or her presentation. However, how a person does present may give rise to other issues that would cause me to limit my association.

    Your wife's comment is not unusual. Just read the comments on this site. I don't know if a three year old child is able to process the issues surrounding cross dressing. This is an issue which needs to be settled by the parents. It's not necessary for a child to be exposed to something or someone to be raised without prejudice.
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 08-07-2017 at 02:19 AM. Reason: spelling

  16. #16
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Yes, it is wrong to judge. Yes, it is natural to judge. We are all imperfect beings -- in no small part because we all have different definitions of perfection. I think judging is OK when you realize that what you're saying is that the other person's truth doesn't work for you. It becomes not OK when you extend past that to say the other person must be punished for having a truth different than yours. (Which you seem to have avoided doing, so no foul.)
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
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    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  17. #17
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    With respect, that's the wrong question. We can't not judge. Every day, every single decision we make, from the time we wake to the time we fall asleep again, involves judgement.
    A better question might be something like, "Is it wrong for me to think poorly of the man in a dress?" To that question, I would answer "perhaps." It depends on why you disapprove. A lack of fashion sense or basic slovenliness? Those are fair game. Not comporting himself in the manner "we" think a cross dresser should? Maybe not so much. Yes, yes. I hear you. His presentation reflects poorly on the rest of us, it's true, but I am me and he is... well, whatever he's trying to be. If others judge me by the slovenly man in a dress, it's their mistake. I can whine about it and leave them with their prejudices, or I can do the best I can to show them that "we" are not all like that, that I am someone else, someone quite unlike that.

  18. #18
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    I would say different strokes for different folks. Don't Judge lest you want to be judged. And for the kid, The kid knows his father and is probably good with that. One thing on kids though there is threads on that very subject. should they know or not. Read them and come to your own conclusion. But never ever down another person especially another one of us. And he may be a male comfortable in his dress.
    Part Time Girl

  19. #19
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    Acceptance of ourselves and others is key. She is on a different journey than you. What she is comfortable with and how she chooses to present is different than you. Her choice in appearance is simply not to your standards. Nothing wrong with either choice.
    As for the child he or she is learning acceptance of differences in others early on. So what is wrong with that? Think about it, a whole new generation that accepts people not based on what they dress or look like but on who they are inside, wouldn’t that be wonderful.

  20. #20
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lana Mae View Post
    We are doing to them like the outside muggle world is doing to all of us! Acceptance in our world is key to our growth!

    Hugs Lana Mae

    This says it all!

    In our broad community, here on the forums and in the great wide world, we have so many different ways to present; from the secret underdresser, to the man-in-a-dress (no, not using the acronym), to full on passable girls and every variant in between. As long as no one is doing anything immoral or illegal, how can we fault our peers for presenting as they themselves see fit?

    We want to be able to express ourselves as we please, we must allow, without judgement, others to do the same.
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  21. #21
    Member Territx's Avatar
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    No easy answers to all of this, as my immediate thought was not that they were a crossdresser, but they had lost a bet, etc. I just know that, at least to some degree, we all judge and are judged -- nothing will ever change that fact.

  22. #22
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aunt Kelly View Post
    Yes, yes. I hear you. His presentation reflects poorly on the rest of us, it's true, but I am me and he is... well, whatever he's trying to be.
    Aunt Kelly,
    I like what you have to say. One question though. Is it possible he thinks your presentation reflects poorly on the rest of us? After all, you are just another beautiful person blending into a crowd and he is trying to be a man in a dress. While he is standing out now, if there were more like him, and that presentation were more commonplace, he would blend better. Some current fashion trends have men in skirts (designed for them though).

  23. #23
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    The last time I went to a social gathering while I was fully enfemme I met up with someone who was in a dress, flats and not makeup or wig. She was totally at ease with herself and while at first I must admit to being slightly perplexed and also curious as to the reception she got when out amongst the muggles, I came to the conclusion that if it works for her who am I to judge. More power to her elbow.

    As for having the child in the company of the 2 parents. If we want society to accept us then you can't start by shielding kids from these things. If you do then by implication you're saying this activity is wrong hence I'm hiding it from my child.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  24. #24
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    I don't like asparagus. I can't tell you not to have it but I don't like it.

    I do judge. I judge based on my agenda nd if, in some manner, someone interferes with my agenda. I don't "get" some people's ways. I try and understand but if they make my life harder or make me work harder to reach my goals, I judge them.

    In re: the child. Ain't my kid, and as long as they aren't raising the child to interfere with me, I am all for it. But I come from a generation where hatred and prejudice were "normal". I saw how people were (are by the way) treated for their skin color, their religious beliefs, their origin. Thank Gawd my parents instilled a more open mind in me. Even though my father has taken a 180 on prejudice, I maintain and hold an open mind

    As long as they don't interfere with MY agenda for my life
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  25. #25
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Jamie,
    As much as I try I still can't come to terms with MIAD, I apologise to those who feel comfortable in that mode, but I just couldn't go out in that situation . I feel the mixed message it gives out causes confusion and misunderstanding so the looks and comments are an inevitable consequence .

    I personally would prefer to keep CDing away from young children , not because what we do is wrong but I wonder if it's fair to confuse a child when it's growing up. OK they have to learn the ways of the World at some point but I would hate to be accused of subverting a child , they have to understand what it means before they are exposed to it . We do want acceptance but I don't feel it's right to use and possibly manipulate children to gain it .

    I wonder if you feel you were judging and defending at the same time because you still have some carry over of the guilt and shame associated with what we do. If you weren't a CDer and the parent of that child how would you have seen the situation ?

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