Krisi a systemic problem that exists everywhere today nobody wants to take responsibility for their actions.
When something happens due to there actions they want to pitch the blame on the other person and play the victim card.
Krisi a systemic problem that exists everywhere today nobody wants to take responsibility for their actions.
When something happens due to there actions they want to pitch the blame on the other person and play the victim card.
Sorry that you are having to deal with this issue. It sounds like you truly enjoy your place in the family so I would encourage you to continue to be the caring, concerned and helpful member of the family that you have been. I think I would try to maintain the same type of relationship you had with your father-in-law as you did before he discovered you dressed. If or when he wants to discuss it with you is up to him. If you are really serious enough to consider transitioning at some point in the future, then you will need to have the inner strength to confront whatever comes your way. I'm not saying that I would mention transitioning when talking to him but I would hope that I wouldn't be apologetic or defensive when discussing what he saw. I hope that I would own it and be willing to justify my actions while still portraying my many strong values.
I have to agree with Tracii G on this one. You knew when you dressed that there was a chance of getting caught. You did. Now it is time to pay the piper.
I know if my Farther in-law(FIL) caught me he would probably do the same as yours. He see me as the guy that goes out hunting building/tearing down things, sports fan etc. and I don't take much gruff from rude people. So his metal image would be shatter. With that being said and to use another old saying. "Its not what you did for them yesterday its what you did today they remember." In his mind all he sees is you in a dress. Not the guy that did all the stuff you said. It sucks but that's how the world works. And if he has a preconceived notion of a CD/TG person as there is something wrong with them then you have a tuff battle ahead.
Sorry for your loss in friendship with the FIL, but no fault but your own. But with time and help from your wife, he may come around. But don't set your expectations high and then be disappointed when they all are not met.
Jessica
That is so true. Not just crossdressing related but in all of life. It's high time for this to stop and for people to take responsibility for what they do in life.Originally Posted by Tracii G
I've played over in my head the actions of that day and certainly agree that I did run the risk of being discovered and I lost. I don't have an issue with saying that. Walking In on me was a shock and it's my fault that's how It came about. I can take some awkwardness. I can even take him being upset. But if I confided in him and told him about my dressing rather than him walking in on me I think it's fair for me to be disappointed that he would turn away from me. On top of not even speaking to me he's been undermining me. Decisions we've all agreed on and things we had planned are being called of out of spite. He's told my wife to have me not speak to him and if he makes changes I don't like I should go. I haven't blamed him for what happened. My issue has been the idea of condemning a whole person for one aspect of them. And maybe it helps to clarify it is his house. I have always treated it that way. He did ask me to move in. And a year later once we were all in a better situation he asked us to stay. He told us to make it our home. His name is on the deed and that comes with an automatic amount of respect but with his own words
He's told us that bc of our help he was able to keep the house and that we should share in it. (We all made a difference of about $70k for him and according to him that was worth a third of the house) a week ago I had the atonomy in that home to make changes. Come and go or do as I pleased. I didn't assume that freedom, I earned it. He gave me that and he told me it was because of my deeds. If that changes bc of my appearance then I don't think that offer was genuine. I see now that his offer and commitment to came wiTh an unspoken clause that it only applies if I'm what he considers normal. And it's not shirking responsibility or blaming anyone else to say I think it's unfair. If he doesn't want to be friends anymore I suppose it's his right to choose who he's close to but I don't appreciate that affecting him doing what's fair and right by those who have contributed so much. Regardless. Of how I feel or what I say the important thing is i have chosen to follow the rules as they are defined now. Sure I've vented here (which I thought was one of the main reasons for this forum) but I don't understand your contsistent insistance to be snarky and make it sound like I'm being unreasonable traci. I do take responsibility for my actions. I believe each person is a castle and the things they do with their time, effort and talents builds that castle. I've made myself responsible to build my castle. I have worked for and earned every square inch of my life. And I expect to get what I earn in return. My point is painting the castle pink doesn't change anything. You say I want to blame others. No. I am responsible for the state of my castle and yes I made a mistake that led to an unfortunate circumstance that is naturally goIng to incur awkwardness. But that doesn't entitle him or anyone else to tear my castle down. If he saw me and then called me a fag and shot me would it still be my fault I got shot? No. I have to own and accept that there is a bump in the road to get over but whatever happens he is equally responsible for his response to the situation as I am for causing it.
Last edited by ashleymasters; 08-15-2017 at 10:07 AM.
Just me, but sounds like unless you talk to him and get his head straightened around what you are doing, then sadly the best option for you and your wife at this point is to move out to a place of your own. Your wife needs to tell him how you feel about this, that yes, you really still are the same person you have always been underneath the makeup. If he's actively undermining anything that you have any say in or part of, then it doesn't sound like things are going to improve without that talk.
I am terribly sorry to hear how this is playing out, hon. I hope the situation improves soon.
Ashley, you're obviously stuck on this idea that you're "owed" but legally you don't have a leg to stand on. It's his house, his name is on the deed. If your financial contribution was so important, you should have had your name put on the paperwork. You expecting him to change his moral beliefs and convictions is just as redicous as him expecting you to stop
CDing and get rid of your stuff. EVERYone has a right to their opinion (even if it's ignorant or wrong).
Wow..I thought this forum was about support. Ashley is expressing frustration about her current situation. She has owned up to her role in creating the situation and all she is asking for is a bit of empathy. Not an endorsement for what she has or hasn't done or even agreement on particulars that she as alluded too. The fact is we do not have all of the facts in this situation, but we can provide support.
Ashley, hang in there. I hope your situation improves soon.
Support isn't always saying something positive. Its saying something that is constructive and may help. And sometimes truth hurts.
If Ashley puts the shoe on the other foot and walked in on his FIL doing something he feels morally wrong (obliviously not say CDing is morally wrong, but his FIL may). I would think Ashley opinion would change also. Maybe not act the same but change none the less. Ashley FIL is also going through a loss also. He loss his son in-law he probably thought was a great guy/husband/father/uncle and now he's a she. And now the image is tarnished to him. He may have trouble dealing with that. He may come to terms with that but it may be to much for him. It would help with a little education to what was going on. And that probably should come from Ashley and his wife.
Last edited by DAVIDA; 08-15-2017 at 07:27 PM. Reason: There is no need to quote the post right before yours.
Ashley, Teresa is right in what she says. your proverbially messed on your own doorstep and now must deal with the fall out. Do you not think that your FIL, apart from anything else he may think of you, might feel betrayed in that you had a deep secret that at some point should have come out before you were "caught" in the way you did not want to be caught in.
yes you now have a problem a big one at that. How you can go forward on this I do not know but what I do think is that you have messed up big time and that there might not be a way out. But unless you can resolve the situation with your wife and her father you will have to find another roof to live under.
Seems you say you take responsibility but there is that pesky little entitlement thing there that you feel you are owed something that you can't let go of.Stop shifting the blame on to him he didn't cause this situation He isn't responsible for anything.
This statement is a prime example of the entitlement mentality.
It doesn't matter what you have done around the house to keep it up or how much time and money you have invested its legally not your property and to think you have some claim to a portion you are being foolish.
Its the same attitude as the employee that is supposed to be ready to work at 7 am and they show up an hour late everyday and think its OK because they showed up.
Or the employee that shows up on time but doesn't do anything and thinks he should get paid just for showing up.
You are 30 you should have your own place anyway.
Last edited by Tracii G; 08-15-2017 at 12:54 PM.
Bobbie, I hear what you're saying, but when is it ever a good time to say to someone, "hi, I'm Joe, and I like to wear dresses and makeup on occasion"? Coming out is a very difficult thing, as many on here will attest to.
Ashley already admitted she screwed up, and for now has put her girly things away, but without the FIL having some understanding of all this, the situation is not going to get any better. You can lead a horse to water ...
Ashley, I think you need to tell every one in the home you are starting to look for another home to move into. Your father in law never even talked to you about what or why you were dressed, as I see it. His house, his way no matter what you have done for him, family or work on house. Future will always be the same with him under these living conditions. As I understand your story, he cannot keep his house with out your help. It does not matter what your father in law thinks about you, but to put your family under this stress with out even discussing it, is crazy. You can not take care of your family under these conditions not knowing about a home for them. Move or get this house legally under your control also. That is only way I would stay there. If thing work out between the two of you great, but don't hold your breath. Marshalynn
Last edited by marshalynn; 08-15-2017 at 01:04 PM.
Marsha are you suggesting he screw his FIL out of his house?
Take the last thing an older man has in this world ?
Man that is a dirty thing to do and beyond wrong.
Last edited by Tracii G; 08-15-2017 at 01:37 PM.
Ashley,
Maybe this has a silver lining, finding out your father in law is a bigot as far as the LGBTG community is concerned . It wasn't an intentional act but maybe a thoughtless one, but it has revealed your true colours and his, again the problem is where does your wife stand in this situation ? I would say your father in law is going to be the loser in this situation . He needs your input with his home, so he will have to learn to live and let live if he wishes to retain his home .
Teresa is right.
I would talk to him in private and face him as a man and show not guilt for dressing but apologize for you actions ten explain what it all means.
If he will listen and I hope he does that should set the record straight.
Explain you are more than willing to help because he needs it but he needs to understand if you go he is on his own and you are moving on with his Daughter.
Marsha, getting Ashley's name on the deed at this point would be difficult at best, and nigh impossible at worst. Finding somewhere else would be the safer and saner option.
No matter what happens, the fallout is going to affect everyone in the household. The best thing to do is have The Talk, and see if it helps improve the situation. If there's no getting over it for the FIL, then the choices come down to stay and be miserable, or leave and let the chips fall where they may.
If you are relying on someone else to keep your house then you could also make "moral" sacrifices to appease them. Talking to him about his options seems the right way to go about it. Either let Ashley be there on a DADT or Ashley leaves and what happens, happens.
It's not ok to hold someone hostage, even family. the crossdressing doesn't hurt a single thing but the FILs opinion. If he doesn't want it in his house at all then he could kick them out and find his own way of survival. Or be a decent human being and accept that we are all different and have different tastes.
^this is, unfortunately, what we have to understand and accept. We are primarily identified by our being crossdressers. Once we're out there, that is the first thing people will think of when they see us. Much like the rest of the world thinks 'man' or 'woman' when they see others. The crossdressing thing is nearly always very, very polarizing. Either people accept it, or adamantly reject even the thought of it. We saw that after Jenner came out; there were huge numbers of people that got very upset that she was even in the news; they didn't want anything about her mentioned in the newspapers because it upset them so much.
And so it is with crossdressers. A lot of people hate the fact that we even exist, quite a few to the point that they want to kill us. All because they can't even stand the possibility that there might be a little femininity in themselves. What a messed up world of nutcases we have to live with.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
"The crossdressing thing is nearly always very, very polarizing. Either people accept it, or adamantly reject even the thought of it."
I don't really see that.
Yes, there are extremes at either end (really hate it, or totally dig it & support it) -- both of which can be pretty vocal.
But the same time, it seems there's a pretty large swath of people somewhere in the middle, who are simply like, "Eh, whatever... Maybe a little odd/interesting/gay/etc., and not exactly my cup of tea... But as long as you don't get up all in my face about it, I really don't care either way." And then simply go about their business.
Anyway, OP: As corny as it sounds, and as I much as I hate to say it, things happen for a reason.
Because you know what? It's true!
Try to use it as a positive experience to grow.
Tracii I suggested he get his name also on as owner (co owners), not sole owner. Ashely has already put a lot of money in home This way he has some control and responsibility of house. I would not talk to him alone, only with wife present, so she knows exactly what is going on, her life and family very much in trouble now. Marshalynn
Last edited by marshalynn; 08-16-2017 at 01:51 AM.
Support isn't saying "Oh, you poor baby. You are being treated so unfairly." Support is telling it like it is. Bringing reality into the picture.
She has made some mistakes. She needs to understand that. She needs to understand that what she has done cannot be undone. And she needs to understand that she may have no choice but to move out to her (and her wife's) own place.
Her father thinks crossdressing is wrong. He has a right to believe that and there is nothing wrong with him because he believes that. She has to deal with him for the rest of his life, like it or not.
Last edited by Krisi; 08-17-2017 at 09:05 AM.
Krisi and Tracii -- thank you for your usual snide remarks. Marshalynn
I am missing something. Why don't you just leave the house. Since you do not own it. Don't do favors by fixing the house. You have the right to wear what you want. When not welcome I leave. Who needs the aggravation, so little time to be happy.
TO OVER WEIGHT TO POST A PHOTO, MY wife tells me I look like I am pregnant
My FIL's policy is sort of like, "I don't understand it, but if that's the worst thing you do, then ok"
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