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Thread: A slap in the face

  1. #1
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    A slap in the face

    Hey everyone. It's been a while since I posted. A lot has happened in the last few months. I have almost fully decided I want to transition. My wife has gotten on board with ashley from going in public to the bedroom even. I've had lots of time to dress and even company when doing so which has been terrific. But I hit a bump in the road last Friday. I live with my wife in her fathers house. And the other day the house was empty. So I sat around dressed in a cute outfit. Head to toe as usual. With my wig, make up and even nails. Unexpectedly my fatherinlaw came home early and saw me dressed. He first looked stunned and then disappointed. He just said "please tell me you're kidding" and walked away. As he walked away he called out behind him "you need to tell your wife bc I'm going to call her". I think he assumed she didn't know. I text him that she already knew. He had no clue and I didn't tell him I think about transitiOning. He hasn't spoken to me since. Just asked my wife to tell me if I dress in his home again he'll ask me to leave and that I throw all my girly thIngs away. I don't even mind that someone I didn't expect saw me. But I feel very hurt for a few reasons. One that he won't even speak to me. I feel very judged and disapproved of. I don't really care what others think. I've actually reveled in the attention I get when I've gone out lately. But he's family to me. I just feel that bc he doesn't like something I do every other thing about me is forgotten. And it's not even like it be done anything wrong. I don't do drugs. I didn't hurt anyone. It literally is harmless. And he seemed so disgusted. It's a big house. And my wife's sister and three kids live with us. Between our families there are 5 kids. I play the role of dad to all of them. I work full time. But before this job I juggled three or fOur part time jobs to make it work. I do all of the maintenance on the house and or four vehicles. My father in law said he would have sOld the house if we didn't move in so I took it upon myself to take on the responsibility of keepIng the home in shape. Seven days a week I have 16 hours day full of activities or work and never deny anyone in our home any favor. Before the other day he treated me with respect that matched that. It felt gOod. I was proud of our home and family and of my position in it. And it seems like now one dress and some lipstick have erased all of that. I hate it so much. I am the same person I always was. The same one who worked all day, worked a night job drove home with out sleep and spent six hours fixing a busted pipe before getting rest. The same person that helped my niece put Christmas decorations on her crutches so she wouldn't feel so bad about having to use crutches at the holiday dance. The same person who took care of our family pet that passed bc everyone else was tI distraught to bare it. It's so sad to me. And it makes me angry. And fOr what. Bc I like to look pretty sometimes. It's not right. And I feel so ashamed that I didn't stand my ground bc I'm afraid he would have me leave the house we've made a home in. Well. Thanks in advance fOr letting me complain.

  2. #2
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    You start off with comments about transition and later talk about it being simply something you do. Which one is it? It doesn't cut both ways if you are being honest with yourself.

    That said, you allowed yourself to be caught which eliminated any chance to control the message. The fallout stinks but you are in his house, hard to imagine him changing course without intervention from your wife. Good luck, it is a tough situation.
    Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
    Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)

  3. #3
    Silver Member Debra Russell's Avatar
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    It happened ...the bell can't be unrung best wishes and pray for understanding - just keep being the same person you have always been, or maybe you were just practicing for Halloween - is it too late for some kind of explanation? time marches on and things may settle down.............................Debra

  4. #4
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    The sting of rejection is hard. You have two choices, really -- win him back or write him off. Neither one is going to be easy. If your wife backs you in this, then you stand a much better chance. If you can bring this out to the other people in your household and get their support that also would help. If you were thinking you might want to transition, this is just the tip of it. If you transitioned you would be out to every person you meet. Some will reject you.
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  5. #5
    Hellion on Heels Kayliedaskope's Avatar
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    First of all, let me say that I am truly sorry about the way you were and are still being treated by him, considering everything you have done for the family over and beyond what others would do. You are clearly not "mooching" off him or his family, and are doing your best to help as much as possible.

    That being said, technically you were living under his roof, and as such broke "his" rules about how you should act, even if you didn't know them at the time. (This is not forgiving his treatment of you, by the way, just an observation.). Dressing in someone else's home, especially if they are not in on the secret, is always risky.

    Time to have "The Talk" with him. Tell him how you feel, and how hurt you were. Ask him if this is so terrible that he can no longer stand being around you anymore, and if it is, you will leave. Don't make that an empty threat, either - get moving boxes, start leaving U-Haul truck rental flyers and housing brochures around, look into storage facilities ... things to back it up. If he asks, you can say that since I can't be accepted here, then I can't stay here. Your truck broke down? Faucets and the roof leaking? Sorry, I might mess up my nails or my pretty dress - guess you have to take care of that ...

    I know, I'm being mean here ... but sometimes turning the other rouged cheek gets you nothing but it being slapped, too.

  6. #6
    -1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    I do not know about transitioning, at all.

    However, I would have thought that if you have decided to transition, then the situation with your father-in-law and his approach would have happened, anyway. I think the only difference is that the timing is now out of your control. His reaction might not have been too much different if you did control the timing . . it would have just been later. If you do believe his reaction would have been different in a more controlled revelation, then he'll come around eventually. Time will tell. Therefore, I don't think you should feel that something here has been lost.

    People that have either been through or have helped with transitioning could probably advise you on best what you should do now.

    I hope for the best for you and that everything works out.

  7. #7
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    Sara Jessica.

    You're absolutely right. There is a distinct difference between being trans and being a cd. I have not fully decided to transition or even when it would take place. So rather I'm trans or not I am currently functioning as a cd. I am primarily living a male life and use dressing as an outlet.

    And I agree with the rest of you about two things.
    1 his house his rules. Certainly if he says he doesn't want something in his home that's his right. For me it really came down to even after agreeing that I wouldnt that now he's acting like I'm somehow discredited. For a long time before considering transition I identified as a man who crossdresses. And I reject the idea that dressing takes away from one being a man. I also kind of bundled those feelings with not only his reaction but how our society as a whole stigmatizes male CDs. He's seen me regularly dress like a pirate or wear a super hero costume in daily activities which I view as equally unusual but the fact that it's women's clothing means it's different seems absurd to me. And I don't like that I apologized like I had done something wrong. I apologized and meant when I said that I had no intention of making him Uncomfortable but the way it came out I made myself complicit with his rebuke of that kind of behavior in general. I felt like I should have agreed to not do it in his home but also confront him that when I move on it will be a part of my life and there's nothing wrong with that.

    2. Yes if I transition I'm going to have to face this with everyone in my life. But this gives me a preview of what to expect from him when that time comes. And it's sad that I can see I'll lose him as a friend.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sara Jessica View Post
    You start off with comments about transition and later talk about it being simply something you do. Which one is it? It doesn't cut both ways if you are being honest with yourself.

    That said, you allowed yourself to be caught which eliminated any chance to control the message. The fallout stinks but you are in his house, hard to imagine him changing course without intervention from your wife. Good luck, it is a tough situation.

  8. #8
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    If I were u, Ashley? I would copy your post and give it to your dad in law. And, add: "When you're ready, my wife and I would like to discuss this with u in private."
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  9. #9
    Hellion on Heels Kayliedaskope's Avatar
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    This. Definitely this.
    Last edited by DAVIDA; 08-15-2017 at 04:23 AM. Reason: There is no need to quote the post right before yours.

  10. #10
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    Kaylie makes a good point, but ..... Since you were observed during the day, I gather you are not employed, and that your wife is. You need income to move. Got any coming in? Since your wife is supportive, the best bet would be for her to have a heart to heart talk with her parents. You are the dame guy they knew before the incident. They should come to understand that. eventually. But, what do I know!

  11. #11
    Hellion on Heels Kayliedaskope's Avatar
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    She stated earlier she works full time, and before this job was pulling sixteen-hour days at two jobs.

    Still, as you said, the same person is still there, now just in different clothes.
    Last edited by DAVIDA; 08-15-2017 at 04:23 AM. Reason: There is no need to quote the post right before yours.

  12. #12
    Gold Member Jaylyn's Avatar
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    You surprised him and that isn't good for father-in-laws, especially those still and are always protective of their daughters. I think you need to apologize to him after all no matter it is still his house. Your plan should be to talk to him with his daughter present, she can be the buffer maybe. I hope everything works out for you.

  13. #13
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    Good luck with all this and your wife has just been forced into dealing with her Dad's heart and your heart. Which to break is the choice she has now.
    Your dressing caused that so don't try and throw a pity party over all of it because its on your shoulders.
    Its his house and what you have done as far as keeping it up won't hold in a court of law so to try and use that against him is wrong on your part.
    I really hate to have to put it that way but its the truth.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 08-14-2017 at 02:28 PM.

  14. #14
    Queen of Chinatown jennifer0918's Avatar
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    Ok so how are you going to do it when you transition and living in his house? If he can't accept you looking pretty "sometimes " how would accept your transition? This is a tough one,I would confront him strong,tell him this is you and if he can't accept you well,ol well. If tells you gotta go,well move out and be happy. What about the 5 kids you play the dad role to?how will you do it when you transition?

  15. #15
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    Jennifer I don't think the transition aspect was given a lot of thought.

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    Jenny,

    I do in fact have a job. And our income is fine. We live together because two years ago. My father in law in the midst of a divorce faced losing the house. And my Neely divorced sister in law needed help with her kids. We moved to the area for me to look for work. As I described in my original post I have worked very hard to see to it that my family's needs are met. We still live here bc we are happy this way. I was only home bc I had an early meeting near my house and I finished the day working from home. Perhaps you shouldn't make assumptions.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny22 View Post
    Kaylie makes a good point, but ..... Since you were observed during the day, I gather you are not employed, and that your wife is. You need income to move. Got any coming in? Since your wife is supportive, the best bet would be for her to have a heart to heart talk with her parents. You are the dame guy they knew before the incident. They should come to understand that. eventually. But, what do I know!
    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Jennifer. That's what I mean. I don't have a definite plan yet. Of course it would involve me moving out but that is in the distant future

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Tracii. I don't see how you're coming off this way. I haven't once said that I wouldn't follow his rules. I quickly accepted the terms to not dressing again. The only reason I mentioned everything I've done is bc I don't see how he can think so highly of me and this one detail changes all of that. Even if I move out tOmorrow I think I'm entitled to grieve the loss of a friendship over something that shouldn't matter. And I hardly think it qualifies as a pity party

  17. #17
    Queen of Chinatown jennifer0918's Avatar
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    Ok Ashley my situation, my wife does not know about my femme side,iam in the closet, I have a little one at home who tells mom everything, my oldest goes to high school and a great uncle
    lives with us that my wife takes care of (her uncle) I dress seasonally, and when I do I dress at a motel go out to a social or the mall just some me time. When and if my wife finds out I will be calm,I will educate her on the subject and answer all her questions but I will not let her insult me or embarrass me period. If I need to move out ,I will,if she will stop me from seeing my children then I will not see them,you have to be firm .

  18. #18
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    Well it did come off as a pity party to me because it had all the earmarks of a pity party post.
    He had his image of you shattered and its quite common for a person it that situation to lose all respect and not want to have anything to do with you.
    I have had that happen many times so I speak from experience.
    I'm not being mean just to be a dick its something you need to hear even if you don't like it.
    None of this would have happened if it weren't for you being dressed in his house you can't deny that.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 08-14-2017 at 02:57 PM.

  19. #19
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    It's his house. He gets to make the rules. It doesn't matter one iota what you think you're "owed" for your contribution. Maybe focus on finding your own place before you start the relatively expensive transition process.

  20. #20
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    Ashley,
    I can't see it resolving itself unless you can find somewhere else to live, it sounds like you are being manipulated by your wife and family.

    Kaylie,
    Your comment about breaking house rules is the reason I suggested moving out, to keep a house in order abides by the rules to do the same thing dressed breaks all the rules to the point where the clothes maybe thrown away and Ashley forced out . The wife is the problem because Ashley doesn't know who she will support. That point needs confirming first before her father is sat down and told the facts , if he won't do that then obviously Ashley is no longer welcome .

  21. #21
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    The only thing I can suggest is your wife intercede on your behalf. I'm sure he thought his daughter would not be supportive on cross dressing. It may be a double shock to him to find out your wife knows of your desire to wear women's clothing. Frankly, with some people all it takes is just one thing to make them do a 180 degree turnaround. You will never be able to erase the mental image from his mind. At best you can hope for tolerance.

    It may come down to your wife having to make the decision as to whether you and her and your family suck it up and play by his rules or move and play by the rules you and your wife agree upon. You're married to your wife and not your father-in-law.

  22. #22
    Emerging Diva Nikki A.'s Avatar
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    It is a tough situation you're in no matter how you slice it. I understand that it is the father's house, so you do need to follow his wishes. However, for some of us it is not a hobby but a need to be able to express ourselves.
    You and your wife need to sit and discuss what is important to you and her and present a unified front. If it means moving, so be it. I'm not condemning or supporting either one. After all if you decide to offer to move out, then the FIL will need to decide if it is enough of an issue to break up what seems to be at presently a win win for all.

  23. #23
    Junior Member karenph's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ashleymasters View Post
    It's so sad to me. And it makes me angry. And fOr what. Bc I like to look pretty sometimes. It's not right. And I feel so ashamed that I didn't stand my ground bc I'm afraid he would have me leave the house we've made a home in. Well. Thanks in advance fOr letting me complain.
    Ashley -- I think you summarize how many of us feel about the world we live in. Just because we dress does not mean we are a different person. However, your father in-law does not know that, seeing you dressed was a jolt to his psyche. Now enters all of the stereotypes, assumptions, misinformation, etc. He now believes you are a different person than the "guy" he knew. His rejection can be due to being homophobic, it can also be due to hurt- reading between the lines it seems you may of had a close father/son type of relationship. If he is the type that is "set in his ways" there is very little chance for recovery. If you stay in his house you will have to continue to be who you are and demonstrate you are the same person he has always known (with dressing in secret, off property). This is a tough row to hoe -- it kind of reminds me of the Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino who hated Asian people until he got to know them. That was the movies not sure how often that happens in real life. If he has an open mind than there is hope that he can be/willing to be educated and realize you are the "guy" that he knew. The question for you and your wife, whose reaction you have not shared, is what do the both of you have to do for the both of you to be happy?

    Thanks for feeling comfortable to vent your frustration with us here on the forum and sharing your pain. Wishing you nothing but the best. Karen

  24. #24
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    Ashley, out of curiosity how old is your father in law? The reason I ask is that my own father is 70 years old and would no way accept me dressing. It is the way that generation was raised and lived, they have very firm lines of what defines a man and a women and if anything or anyone blurs those lines then they cannot accept it. I know my father loves me (as I'm sure your father in law does have some type feelings for you because of the way he treated you in the past, he may even look at you as a true son) and if my father did ever find out I don't think he would stop loving me but would start to think something was wrong in the way he raised me and thus something was wrong with him for having a son that dresses, just maybe this is how your Father in Law feels and his current treatment of you is just his way of dealing with those feelings. I do think that you and your wife need to sit down with him and talk to him to find out exactly how he feels and how him and you can deal with those feelings and move forward to try and rebuild your relationship.

  25. #25
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    Once again, someone is outed doing something they shouldn't have been doing.

    Just because nobody is home doesn't mean nobody will come home. It's not your house, you have no control over who comes and goes. Now you have a situation and you're going to have to deal with that situation.

    Lots of luck.

    I hope this serves as a warning to others to think about what you're doing and the possibility of it going wrong.

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