Moving into new dressing phase...not deliberate

[Fiona123]

Many of us derive a sexual component from dressing. There is nothing wrong with that. It's ok also to have fantasies while en femme that you would never have drab. At the same time dressing can an expression of a deeper femininity. Maybe you continue to dress because of that deeper sense of a femme you. No matter the reason if dressing brings happiness by all means go for it.

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AGP is an outdated label used by a transphobic community to make crossdressing and transgender feelings out as a mental illness or to label crossdressers as fetishists. Blanchard's work has been criticized in some quarters.

[Alice Torn]

I have experienced similar things, but do not dress very often. I admit that i am extremely turned on by Alice when all dolled up, as I resemble the type of long tall lady, I desire, and never got to have for a mate. Part of me is ashamed of how sexual I feel when i see myself as a sexy older long legged lady. I am only attracted to a small percentage of women, and i find myself as Alice to be that woman. I have met only four admirers in my life as Alice, and set limits of no penetration sex. I am very cautious about any admirer man, now. It is human nature, to want more and more thrills, and we seldom are willing to tone it down to a minimum, and human nature always wants more. This thing can take over our whole lives, very quickly, and we can do things we regret later. Keeping it under control, to where it does not wreck our lives, is not always easy, but possible. I am a bit more timid about going out dressed now, as i get a gut feeling that there is a backlash starting against TG. I do have AGP. I do not fantasize about men when in guy mode at all, but do fantasize about being Alice with a man. In guy mode, i am attracted to women only, and only a few of them.

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Ressie, I also fear my older brothers, and sister finding out about me. That would be terrible. I must be very much like a secret agent, and mum.

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I agree with Teresa, that it is not entirely sexual. Part of me just likes being pretty, in certain clothes, presenting as a modest, beautiful tall older lady.

[phili]

I started out as a typical repressed straight male fetish crossdresser for 60 years- a few choice pieces of lingerie to represent the whole of it, and any time I found myself alone- an intense autosexual experience- after which I could focus pretty well on other matters.

I wanted more, but it seemed rather hopeless. I tried to integrate CD in to my relationships with girlfriends, who for the most part were tolerant, but only as private sex play that didn't challenge anything in a serious way- beyond making me a bit less desirable as a solid man.

Told my wife "I like to wear women's clothes" before we married, and she saw it as that sort of low profile playtime, and it stayed in the mostly private world. Meanwhile I was BUSY with work and child rearing and there was no space to expand.

After retirement, I realized it is now or never, when my wife got angry with me daydreaming [it was about wearing the dresses of the women around us] instead of paying attention to her. I said, 'I've got to get to the bottom of this". I bought a bunch of clothes and looked forward to getting to explore how I felt. She freaked out, so DADT, with me telling my daughter [sympathetic but not warm] that I was going to try to systematically understand and process what it all meant. She only wanted to know if I was gay and if we were divorcing. I said no to both, which is true. I said I was a committed monogamous bisexual, and I was committed to her mother permanently.

Meanwhile, going out in public DRAMATICALLY changed my understanding and level of detail that I can feel and explain about what motivates crossdressing and what the satisfactions are. I was stunned to find I could just enjoy my dresses without sexual arousal, and discovered that I am a mirl, as I became aware of my many feelings and wants that previously had been condensed to a simple desire for lingerie, and that could only be ended by orgasm, relieving tension and arousal, after which I could concentrate on other things that did need to get done. I was happy for the intervals before I needed it again, having heard of lab rats who orgasm themselves to death when given the chance.

Now I look back and despair at how narrow my understanding of myself was.

Fast forward a year of intense self examination and finding every wonderful outfit I every wanted to wear, and making some, and enjoying the emotional wholeness of just being myself as a mirl without worry or tension. The latest surprises- that once I realize I am a mirl, I no longer have to prove it with super fem clothes, and I can just wear dresses or cute shorts and it is all wonderful. I also discovered to my surprise that my feminine hormones kick in and I have to watch out I don't drift too far into girl mode. I was doubly surprised to find that when femme I often have intense feelings of attraction for men, and I am pretty sure this is what females feel. I had my sexual experiences with men in my youth and it was more a formal way to see what it was like, and I didn't have these feelings at all, and would have said that I would never have them with 100% confidence. This is the latest most interesting and dramatic and unexpected evolution.


In summary- I went from straight fetish cd to self-aware bigender cd in about a year. It doesn't interfere with being committed and monogamous to/with my wife. I wish she were more accepting and flexible in her gender identity, but that is marriage- always something to cope with. However, the more we know ourselves, the easier it is to compromise where we can for the sake of relationship.

I'm guessing that most of us could cover the same trajectory if we let a lot of feelings surface for inspection- as I think I am experiencing what is basic humanity and what we are capable of. Little boys and girls are exploratory and neutral about sex, and usually that goes away either naturally or loses focus- but I think the capacity is there, and those of us who look under rocks a lot will find a lot of surprises that aren't that surprising after all.

[Cherylgyno]

Ressie. Just googled autogynephilia. They call it a mental illness. I disagree, it is a blessing in every way.
My PTSD psych said that I have BID (body identity disorder) because I have D cup breasts and I love them so much that I am doing everything I can to increasr their size. I asked Are you sure it isn't BIB (body identity BLESSING).

[Ressie]

OK Cheryl. I just wanted those unfamiliar with AGP to have a better understanding of the term even though Blanchard's studies are old and have caused much controversy over the years.

My those are some big cups you have!

[janhoney]

Now that some time has passed since my initial post, I have had some time to think about what has occurred to me. I have long heard the the desire to CD increases with age. That has been the case with me. The need to underdress, and not take off the clothes after orgasm and buying more clothes is simply a manifestation of that "natural" increase in desire. I am 67, maybe a decline in testosterone or other hormonal changes? Dunno. My libido is as strong as ever.

I will just continue to enjoy my Private Idaho and quit trying to figure out why?, how?, yada, yada...I am having too much fun to care.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Welcome to the forum and I'm glad to hear you're having fun!

Obviously your youngest leaving the nest was the catalyst- if that had happened 5 years ago I think it's likely you'd have un-closeted yourself a lot sooner.

Here's a comforting thought for you. What will you do when in 14 months' time your youngest loses their job and needs a place to stay?

Oh joy.

[rachael.davis]

Hi Jan
Separate out sexual preference / orientation from gender identity just for a quick start they are two different but related issues. If you're thinking you would like to be with a man - be very very carefull

[Beauty Parlor Bev]

Welcome to the Forum. Here are some of my "thoughts" based on personal experience and observations of other girls. Not everyone is going to agree, but oh well!

So many of us start with our feelings in our teens or younger. We may or may not act on them, but they are there. We are exposed to the "sissies" are bad mentality and we repress our desires/urges to not be "bad" or weird or whatever. Many of us try to live a hetero life (I know, I know 80% OF US ARE HETERO, YEAH RIGHT!) and even get married and have kids to show that we are normal. Maybe we have some bedroom "play" with our spouse that helps quench our thirst so to speak or maybe we just lock it away for fear of being labeled. While a select few are lucky enough to have an "accepting" wife, others are not and we live with our urges/desires and fears of being caught for many years. Eventually, our kids are gone and our marriage is at a crossroads. Some buckle down and stay together because it is "right" or whatever but others go their separate ways either because of their or their spouses choice. Some stay together and begin to go out with or w/o the spouses consent or knowledge. Either way, a lot of us end up finally getting out in our early 40's or later. We have spent many years with our own fantasies about dressing (or not, if you are one of those girls that doesn't get turned on by pantyhose, heels, and skirts! LOL!) and, I bet, a lot of years NOT having sex with our spouse. What you end up with is a sexually frustrated 40 something who has been self stimulating with their own ideas/visions/fantasies for years. The "newbie" is convinced that somewhere out there is a genetic female that is really looking for sex with a CD/TV/TS etc. Not saying they aren't out there, but.....Depending on the venue that the "newbie" chooses for her first outings, she may just run into another sexually frustrated, 40 something Tgirl that is looking for the same thing. OH NO! We can't be interested in each other, it would be gay (80% chance I'm hetero remember!) and WRONG! But she looks very pretty LIKE a REAL girl, she smells very nice LIKE a REAL girl, and she feels very nice and smooth (hopefully!) LIKE a REAL girl, so it can't be all that bad can it...and MOST IMPORTANTLY she is interested in ME, which hasn't happened in years.....

Eventually, you have a CD/TV/fetish dresser or whatever (I abhor labels actually) that is experimenting with her sexuality and hopefully embracing it. Chances are pretty good that this doesn't happen on our new girls first outing but rather after she gets more comfortable with "herself" and gets out some more.

I COMPLETELY agree that gender identity and sexual orientation are two COMPLETELY different things and I know girls that are hetero, but they are the minority in my experience, sorry! I do NOT buy the "I am hetero in guy mode but bi when dressed" idea though, sorry again. Some of the absolutely MOST conflicted girls I know are those that refuse to even consider the thought that they maybe bi, the teachings of their youth so strong that even 40 years later they are at odds with themselves.

Does everyone follow this path? Absolutely not, but I have met enough over the years that do, that it starts being a "pattern". You can agree or disagree, I don't particularly care (remember, I am a middle aged TGIRL who has had a ton of interaction with the public, my "don't give a care" is pretty high), but I bet a lot will agree and a few more will be wondering.........I have some other observations/opinions that I am not willing to share on the open forum (you know, rules and all) but would be willing to discuss on a PM.

[Tracii G]

Welcome.
You are aware that fantasies are not reality right?
If you are gay you know it trust me there is no I'm kinda gay or I'm only gay when I crossdress, clothes do not change your sexual preference.
They do effect your fantasies tho'.

[Becky Blue]

Janhoney, I can relate to half your story, from a young age to about 40 dressing contained a strong turn on factor for me, no desire to be with anyone just turned on from the dressing.

Then it changed a lot for me, literally overnight, the turn on factor totally disappeared and suddenly dressing became something I had to do. Since that time some 12 years ago there is zero sexual side to anything to do with Becky, no turn on, no attraction (beyond what it is when I am in guy mode)

[janhoney]

Thanks for your insightful responses. Beauty Parlor Bev - I think you are on target, and describe it well. For many years, I have read that most CDers were hetero (i. e. Tri-Ess). That is what I practiced but, at times, and especially when dressed, thought about men. So I thought I was an outlier. The more I read now, however, is that the opposite may be true. In any case, I am going to stick to the closet and not seek a man in reality, at least that is what I feel now...

What is the state of the art in male sex robots? LOL

[Beauty Parlor Bev]

Jan, I am not one to give advice or serve as a role model in any way BUT I am in a very similar situation to yours. Divorced for a few years, only child away from home, and living completely on my own. I work as a male but dress as soon as I get home and pretty much live the rest of my life en femme. I was conflicted about my sexuality and how it fit in with my dressing for many years. This led to some serious depression and dark times for me. However, once I accepted and eventually embraced my bisexuality, at least that part of me became much more clear and enjoyable. I am very aware of my mortality and the last thing I want to do is lay on my deathbed and wonder what if........Just sayin'!

[IleneD]

Much of what you experienced resonates with me (and I assume many on the board).

I too have heard the clarion calls about gender and sexuality being distinct and separate. It's comforting I suppose; maybe not entirely realistic.
I've struggled with my "condition" for most of my conscious and adult life. I did everything I could to follow the teachings of my elders to live the straight and normal life, but alas. Attempting to cope with The Feelings led me to denial, self-loathing, despair, substance abuse (at various times), anguish, hiding and secrecy...... you know the life routine. I didn't WANT to be femme. All the social pressures were against it. Yet, the Feelings remained.
I recall my misspent youth, thinking I was gay. I had effeminate emotions and feelings. I love being pretty. And yes, I had a handful of homosexual experiences while exploring the possibilities. Some of it was vulgar and dirty and I was ashamed of the circumstances; yet some of the experience of having a man make love to me was pleasurable and interesting. In the end, I put it away to follow that "straight and narrow lifestyle. I found a great girl. Got married. Had a family. Followed a great life opportunity into a fantastic career. I loved my life. YET.... those Feelings never went away like I thought they would; the feeling that I was and wanted to be a woman.

As I've come out and peeled away the layers of my own past, my motivations, my behavior and feelings, I've found my newfound gender identity drifting back to thoughts of being with a man. There was a period over the summer where I experienced vivid dreams of being in the arms of a man and making love. It was a "feeling" dream, not a graphic porno sex dream. I relived the experience of being with a man. It made me wonder if there is another transition that coincides with a gender transition; one that involved deeper female feelings, emotions and sensations as the transition progresses. Perhaps as I further live with Ilene, my sexuality too will drift to the femme side.
That being said, I have little or no interest in seeking sex with men. Gay men, in fact, are a turn off and I am NOT attracted to what the world views as gay men. I''ve always had a robust and good intimate life with my wife of 40 yrs. It turned out to be a great life relationship [to which I've been scrupulously faithful], and the smart choice long ago. But the mere fact that I can imagine and appreciate the notion of a man making love to me as a woman is an interesting development in my mind and attitudes.