Downsizing and decluttering conversation .

[Teresa]

Those of you who may be following my story will know the downsizing and decluttering is in preparation for my wife and I to go or separate ways . I keep saying it is the best outcome while on the whole it remains amicable .

We were going through a list of who gets what when having coffee in the garden , she appears to have a thing about my male clothes especially the amount of shirts I've accumulated , as far as I'm concerned the new buyers can have the lot. She continued to press the point of sorting them out ,I dropped in the conversation that I really should because I will be taking two sets of clothes, her face and tone changed , " Yes she said you need to get rid of some of that stuff as well !" Some may remember it was all kept hidden in my redundant darkroom but it had to be cleared out and decorated for the house sale, so I had permission , get that !! to move it all into my daughter's bedroom, so judging from her comment she has had a good look at my things . I told her that I had disposed of a bag full of things mostly her hand me downs , I wouldn't be wearing them when I'm more open. I'm not sure what she made of that comment because I have always told her that her clothes were a very intimate contact with her, so knowing most of that had now gone left her very little to say but I'm wondering if she felt some hurt knowing what the clothes meant to me and I have now discarded most of it and possibly some of my feelings for her to buy my own . Perhaps there is a touch of jealousy seeing how I'm getting my femme side organised , I know she didn't expect me as a man and her husband to put so much thought into my overall look, I guess we're back to the MIAD image she has of me .

I've come back to my thoughts and comments on Ilene's thread about the controlling wife/ partner, I'm not telling her what she needs to sort out and go through and yet even in this situation she still tells me my male clothes and my female clothes need sorting. Maybe she can't or won't accept that I'm planning a new life, she had a conversation with her sister and brother in law along these lines, they have no idea how much I have planned and how I'm going to fill my time . It can't come soon enough to me !

These few weeks are going to be difficult, until we can sell the house, it's like living in limbo , we both want it to happen quickly so we can establish our new homes and reshape our lives . My son finally got that message when we said we would accept any reasonable offer and not hold out for the last penny !

Sorry another long thread but talking about these issues on the forum hopefully will help others in this situation or fearing it might happen to them, we feel we will be happier apart , it's not tragic but sensible for everyone .

[Tracy Irving]

Thanks for.the update. It is sad that, items belonging to you alone, she feels the need to maintain a controlling interest in. After all, you're not telling her what to do with her clothing. She needs to back off and move on to some of the grey area accumulations. Good luck.

[docrobbysherry]

Don't make the same mistake I did, Teresa. When my ex and I split up I was devastated!

I told she could, "take anything u wanted". It was over a year later when I would look for a frying pan, iron, or something it would turn up missing. She kept helping herself to my stuff until I told her I had meant when she moved out. Not forever!

[Jean 103]

It will soon be in the past. She may be like my wife, I don't think she believed that I could just start and live a new life as , in my case, as Jean. I gave most of my shirts to a friend, I only kept a few. You can live life like you are planning. I know, because I'm doing it.

[Dana44]

I agree that you need to keep some of the kitchen stuff as you will need it. LOL my first wife laughed at me when I said I was making pizza crust, she said how are you going to roll the dough without an roller, she took everything.. I said I have a wine bottle an it is working fine rolling out the dough. lol i think she was devastated and said I guess guys can figure out anything.

[Stephanie47]

I would not read into everything your wife is doing as "controlling." What would you do if you were the woman and married to a cross dresser who wants to split to start a new life after so many decades of marriage? I'm sure your wife has a high degree of anxiety building up. All of a sudden there will be nobody sitting across from her while having afternoon tea. You're making it sound as if splitting up just call for making a "to do" list and all will be done. Perhaps identifying everything she does and says as "controlling" is in some way justifying your marital split. I believe I posted years ago that you and your wife should split because neither was going to be happy and change. And, your wife may find fulfillment elsewhere. I just hope she finds fulfillment of life. And, I hope you find fulfillment being able to freely express yourself. Will it be enough?

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
I'm allowing my wife this time , if she deals with it by " to do " lists that's fine by me.

Yes there are two in this equation, my latest question is why are you going so far into the country , I replied that is the way she wanted it. Maybe her anxiety is building up, but it also may be a touch of guilt, she is having her way , this is what she wanted because of my dressing now the penny has dropped.

I do admit I am looking for a life without the controlling influence, it's why I posted the thread in Loved Ones about my thoughs on Ilene talking about a powerful controlling wife. Eventually you realise you aren't living life, it's tagging along in her life, she is saturated in our grandchildren , I love them to pieces but they can't dominate my life as my wife chooses. That's where she will find fulfillment but I fear she will be hurt by being too closely involved, I've told her she can come and stay over with me when she needs a break , she's totally happy with that , how she expects me to dress is something to be debated .

Sherry ,
One thing for certain I will be getting the dog, Lucy is a lovely black Labrador so I don't mind besides I will be walking her dressed , maybe not in pink wellies !!
One of us will be shopping for basic kitchen utensils, no doubt there will be some mix ups when we find the removal company have dropped off the wrong boxes .

I'm also intrigued to read that only missed the frying pan after a year what had you been cooking and eating in that period ? Don't tell me you did takeaways for a whole year ! I do all the cooking at the moment so I assume I'll be given everything including the junk from the back of the drawer .

[Rhonda Jean]

Disclaimer. A bit of projecting my situation onto yours. I know that each situation is different, and leave plenty of room for me to be absolutely wrong.

I doubt that she is going to be hurt by you choosing to not wear her clothes anymore. I doubt that she'll want to hang out with you in either mode. I very seriously doubt that she'll ever come around to the point where you can be friends. Especially girlfriends. I doubt that she'll need you or miss you as much as you think/wish she will.

Having said all that, once you adjust, once the shock wears off and reality sets in, you'll probably be happier than you've been in a long time. You won't want to see her, and especially won't want her to ever be at your house. It's been a very long time since you've been able to do whatever you want, wear whatever you want, whenever you want. Seeing her will become very uncomfortable. You'll probably feel judged, regardless of how you choose to present when you're around her. You'll relish being yourself, and won't want that interrupted. You'll be surprised by how completely you move on, and my be hurt when she does the same. You won't stop wanting her love and acceptance, but you'll find that you can live without it. You'll freely experiment. You'll make some mistakes. You'll have fun, but for a long time it'll still hit you, and you'll have a little cry over it. You'll wonder if it was worth it, and the answer won't always be yes. I never thought I could be happy alone. I am. I have not moved on a thoroughly as I wish, but I wouldn't reconcile now even if that was on the table. I didn't know who the "real me" was. Still don't, but now I'm free to find out, and to act on it to whatever extent I decide.

[Teresa]

Rhonda,
The only part I feel you're wrong is her not wanting to see me anymore, I have to keep in touch with the grandchildren so Wednesdays look like a total none dressing day . It's planned I drop the dog with her , go on to my painting group, drop back for lunch and catch up with the youngest grandson, go onto do my supermarket shopping and call and see my 88 year old mother.

When I said I would have to have fetch my mother for Sunday lunch sometimes my wife said no problem I'll bring her out to you and you can cook for both of us .

I still have responsibilities I can't ignore, so it remains to be seen how much I do dress in those circumstances.

MY mother is the big problem in all this, she knows we have the house on the market but not that we are splitting up and the reasons behind it . If and when I show her round my new home she is bound to notice femme items even though I'm living alone . I asked in Loved Ones some time a go if I should tell my mum or not, she is very active for her age and still has two jobs which she drives to so she still has all her marbles, she is still as sharp as a button .

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It's been clear for a long time from your posts that your wife has a strong need for control, so no surprises there. What's always irritated me about control freaks is the sense of entitlement that goes with that.

She seems to view everything only in as much as how it affects or reflects on her. I doubt she's ever really understood that her own behaviour has done as much to bring about the end of her marriage as yours.

I wonder if the reason your wife hasn't told your mother about Teresa is because she feels it somehow might tarnish her own image?

I hope you will be able to come out to your mother, when the dust has settled from your divorce.

[rian]

I think what she wants ....from you ... is not control..over you but to keep a thread of hope that you can still be with her but with her terms ,,,,she might telling you that she is willing to stay with you ..in her own condition....yet God knows what she did not find a solution with you .....Good luck my sis ....

[Teresa]

Nikki,
I know some people will jump on the wagon saying she didn't sign up for any of this and I should have been up front when we married , we know that is only partly true there are as many counter arguments to those statements. Your second paragraph does make the points very clear she now admits the mistakes she's made but she's not going to change anymore than I am , so we have to break this destructive cycle .

Again telling my mum does have many sides to it, maybe she is concerned about not appearing to be the wife my mother thinks she is. It's all my fault for what's happening . It is going to be a mystery to her why I'm going so far into the sticks, as I mentioned my new home will have far more femme items about as opposed to male ones, she'll possibly assume I have a new partner , so the lies continue !!

I would hate to deeply upset her by coming out , she thinks I'm the sensible stable one in the family, my sister just does her own thing with little consideration to any of the family .

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You're always so quick to blame yourself for everything Teresa. I've always felt that your wife has taken advantage of that.

You know your mum, but it's possible that you're underestimating her love for you. It is possible to be sensible, stable, and a crossdresser.

My own mother loves me more than anything on earth, except possibly gardening, but she's ultra conservative and openly critical of non-conformist sexuality, so I've never worn anything femme in her company, yet I doubt that she'd turn her back on me if she learned I crossdressed. She'd probably make a terrible fuss for about 5 minutes, then say 'Oh well, if your wife can handle it I suppose I'll have to as well', but it is a risk, I know.

It's going to be very interesting seeing her reaction to your new more feminine habitat. Have you thought what you'll say if she looks around and asks where is the woman who furnished and decorated this place? Mothers are quite capable of peering into closets too...

[Teresa]

Nikki,
Peering into closed doors won't be just a problem for my mum, I'm going to have to discuss all this with my wife , she doesn't expect me to tidy away out of sight my makeup and jewellery . I have to convert electric heating to oil, so I will have a new airing cupboard , no doubt that will come under inspection , there obviously will be more female items on view than male ones and that reminds me of some old threads about washing on the clothes line, it's bound to happen .

None of this is to intentionally upset anyone, OK it may come as a shock but when the penny drops of the reality of me making the move I'm sure she will understand , I would think my wife will defend me when it comes to the conversation between them .

I don't intend to make it overly girly, my basic jobs are fitting a wood burner , fitting double glazed doors in the lounge to let more light through the hallway and getting my picture framing up and running in my garage . Otherwise it will be fairly neutral , if things don't go according plan I will have put value on the property to resell , I say this in context of neighbours accepting me, the village is very rural where the bungalow is situated with only a few homes developed on land once used for paddocks .