And still stay where you are... These lyrics from a Harry Chapin song seemingly define my life. Another good song snippet is "Here I am stuck in the middle with you." I use these quotations to mean different things: The first one means that the more things have changed for me, the more they've stayed the same and the second I use to mean not that I am two different people but that I feel stuck between two realms, being pulled in different directions by opposing forces and I just don't know what or who to follow. When I last posted here four or five years ago, I spoke a great deal about these feelings that my life is a cacophony of disjointed dissonance jaunting me this way and that, and although I thought for sure these feelings had left me for good when I told the therapist that I was seeing at the time that I felt myself settling nicely into a masculine identity, it turns out they just found their way under the surface and lay dormant for awhile.
Two degrees, three lengthy trips abroad, a reconversion to Christianity, a steady relationship with a woman I love dearly and want to marry one day, and a steady job have not, in their combined strength, kept these feelings at bay for me.The strange thing is , however, that; whereas from adolescence to my early 20s, each subsequent wave of dysphoria would hit me stronger and dealing with it felt like keeping a beach ball underwater while trying to negotiate my relationship with my supportive (to a point) but somewhat socially conservative parents, this latest bout over the past few months has hit me like more of a slow burn, or in little waves. A moment here, an episode there. Whereas previous years of dysphoria brought profound emotions and anxiety, what I have experienced the most is a gentle melancholy. I'll see a woman and wish that I could have her life and be like her, not in a way that causes me any deep emotional pain but confirming what I've long felt about myself: that I'd be happier as a woman or if I had been born a woman.
Yet here's the confusing part: whenever I would walk past a church door with gender questions in my head an overwhelming sense that I should remain a man would come over me and I would feel peace from that, but when I think about how I want to serve in the world I feel like I would do better as a woman. The same is true of my relationship with my girlfriend. I love her and don't have a problem with our relationship as it is and desire her in a traditional way, yet I also have told her that I find imagining myself as a woman in these situations fulfilling and sometimes wish we could be lesbians together. Then I think of transition and wonder whether I could really commit to it. Could I really take on the weight of being not just a woman but a transwoman, especially when the yoke of being a man doesn't feel unbearably heavy now? I don't hate my male body,body hair, clothes (except stuffy formal wear) pronouns, etc. I just feel like I would prefer being female in these aspects. I love my girlfriend and she comes before everything to me because I hate the idea of hurting her or losing her. I've tested the waters on this subject with her and while she's a bit surprised and confused (I present in a very masculine way most of the time that doesn't bother me but perhaps if I'm being honest doesn't feel entirely natural.) she'll support or at least tolerate anything short of a full medical transition. We recently went away for a weekend in another state and she let me try on her lipstick. I loved it and felt happy. I thanked her for supporting and loving me regardless of my "weirdness," yet the whole experience had an erotic tinge to me.
I took this as a sign that I'm not trans, but after researching this, I'm not sure that's the correct diagnosis at least not now. I think I require more study and experience with this, because it was my first foray back into exploring these issues and I remember that fading after awhile of wearing panties and womens pajamas years ago. I wonder if the pleasure and happiness of reconnecting with what may be my true nature after such a long layoff just overwhelmed me and manifested itself in that way. The fact that the lipstick belonged to my girlfriend probably didn't help either. I just recently imagined going on a trip with her fully as a woman and I felt mostly happiness especially when I imagined her saying she would support my transition. At that point I thought "full steam ahead" but then I realized that I had imagined that conversation.
Yet something always pulls me back from jumping headlong into transition but also from shelving this entirely. I feel sometimes a sense of shame like it's wrong or that I'm going against my nature, but is it really my nature or am I letting religion fear of my parents disapproval and internalized transphobia dictate my path? I feel beset by the feeling that I will never actually BE a woman only an artful imitation so what's the point, and the feeling that, as an article I read last night states, womanhood is asymptotic: the closer you come the more acutely unreachable it becomes. Obviously if I can resolve this once and for all without transition I would prefer that for a multitude of reasons. I would love to simply be the best woman in a man's body I can be, but I really don't know if that's enough. I also want to avoid the same paralysis by analysis that gripped me years ago as I thought about each action and every waking moment and the significance thereof vis a vis gender identity. I still self-identify as male most of the time but self-identifying as female (only to myself) has recently become more common (this is new) and I can feel an ever so slight uptick in using gender-neutral language like "as your child" for "as your son"to my parents, which was common for me years ago when my dysphoria was strong, yet being addressed as "son" by them doesn't bother me and never really did.
I wonder if all of this is happening because I'm running out of things to run behind. Neither travel nor living on my own for awhile nor having a girlfriend nor having a job has ever fully made it go away. I've wondered if it's a hormonal issue since I'm a bigger person but if that's true why isn't the feeling more or less constant? Why does it seem to hit more in waves after long periods of time? Even though I never really felt like I was fighting I still think I may have put more effort into controlling dysphoria this time; though maybe all of that wasn't really effort but a genuine belief that the battle was over? But if that's the case why are these feelings back in whatever noticeable but not overwhelming capacity they are? At the same time does my unwillingness to do much to control my weight constitute a subconscious rejection of my male body that would be solved by transition?