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Thread: You can travel on 10000 miles....

  1. #1
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    You can travel on 10000 miles....

    And still stay where you are... These lyrics from a Harry Chapin song seemingly define my life. Another good song snippet is "Here I am stuck in the middle with you." I use these quotations to mean different things: The first one means that the more things have changed for me, the more they've stayed the same and the second I use to mean not that I am two different people but that I feel stuck between two realms, being pulled in different directions by opposing forces and I just don't know what or who to follow. When I last posted here four or five years ago, I spoke a great deal about these feelings that my life is a cacophony of disjointed dissonance jaunting me this way and that, and although I thought for sure these feelings had left me for good when I told the therapist that I was seeing at the time that I felt myself settling nicely into a masculine identity, it turns out they just found their way under the surface and lay dormant for awhile.

    Two degrees, three lengthy trips abroad, a reconversion to Christianity, a steady relationship with a woman I love dearly and want to marry one day, and a steady job have not, in their combined strength, kept these feelings at bay for me.The strange thing is , however, that; whereas from adolescence to my early 20s, each subsequent wave of dysphoria would hit me stronger and dealing with it felt like keeping a beach ball underwater while trying to negotiate my relationship with my supportive (to a point) but somewhat socially conservative parents, this latest bout over the past few months has hit me like more of a slow burn, or in little waves. A moment here, an episode there. Whereas previous years of dysphoria brought profound emotions and anxiety, what I have experienced the most is a gentle melancholy. I'll see a woman and wish that I could have her life and be like her, not in a way that causes me any deep emotional pain but confirming what I've long felt about myself: that I'd be happier as a woman or if I had been born a woman.

    Yet here's the confusing part: whenever I would walk past a church door with gender questions in my head an overwhelming sense that I should remain a man would come over me and I would feel peace from that, but when I think about how I want to serve in the world I feel like I would do better as a woman. The same is true of my relationship with my girlfriend. I love her and don't have a problem with our relationship as it is and desire her in a traditional way, yet I also have told her that I find imagining myself as a woman in these situations fulfilling and sometimes wish we could be lesbians together. Then I think of transition and wonder whether I could really commit to it. Could I really take on the weight of being not just a woman but a transwoman, especially when the yoke of being a man doesn't feel unbearably heavy now? I don't hate my male body,body hair, clothes (except stuffy formal wear) pronouns, etc. I just feel like I would prefer being female in these aspects. I love my girlfriend and she comes before everything to me because I hate the idea of hurting her or losing her. I've tested the waters on this subject with her and while she's a bit surprised and confused (I present in a very masculine way most of the time that doesn't bother me but perhaps if I'm being honest doesn't feel entirely natural.) she'll support or at least tolerate anything short of a full medical transition. We recently went away for a weekend in another state and she let me try on her lipstick. I loved it and felt happy. I thanked her for supporting and loving me regardless of my "weirdness," yet the whole experience had an erotic tinge to me.

    I took this as a sign that I'm not trans, but after researching this, I'm not sure that's the correct diagnosis at least not now. I think I require more study and experience with this, because it was my first foray back into exploring these issues and I remember that fading after awhile of wearing panties and womens pajamas years ago. I wonder if the pleasure and happiness of reconnecting with what may be my true nature after such a long layoff just overwhelmed me and manifested itself in that way. The fact that the lipstick belonged to my girlfriend probably didn't help either. I just recently imagined going on a trip with her fully as a woman and I felt mostly happiness especially when I imagined her saying she would support my transition. At that point I thought "full steam ahead" but then I realized that I had imagined that conversation.

    Yet something always pulls me back from jumping headlong into transition but also from shelving this entirely. I feel sometimes a sense of shame like it's wrong or that I'm going against my nature, but is it really my nature or am I letting religion fear of my parents disapproval and internalized transphobia dictate my path? I feel beset by the feeling that I will never actually BE a woman only an artful imitation so what's the point, and the feeling that, as an article I read last night states, womanhood is asymptotic: the closer you come the more acutely unreachable it becomes. Obviously if I can resolve this once and for all without transition I would prefer that for a multitude of reasons. I would love to simply be the best woman in a man's body I can be, but I really don't know if that's enough. I also want to avoid the same paralysis by analysis that gripped me years ago as I thought about each action and every waking moment and the significance thereof vis a vis gender identity. I still self-identify as male most of the time but self-identifying as female (only to myself) has recently become more common (this is new) and I can feel an ever so slight uptick in using gender-neutral language like "as your child" for "as your son"to my parents, which was common for me years ago when my dysphoria was strong, yet being addressed as "son" by them doesn't bother me and never really did.

    I wonder if all of this is happening because I'm running out of things to run behind. Neither travel nor living on my own for awhile nor having a girlfriend nor having a job has ever fully made it go away. I've wondered if it's a hormonal issue since I'm a bigger person but if that's true why isn't the feeling more or less constant? Why does it seem to hit more in waves after long periods of time? Even though I never really felt like I was fighting I still think I may have put more effort into controlling dysphoria this time; though maybe all of that wasn't really effort but a genuine belief that the battle was over? But if that's the case why are these feelings back in whatever noticeable but not overwhelming capacity they are? At the same time does my unwillingness to do much to control my weight constitute a subconscious rejection of my male body that would be solved by transition?

  2. #2
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    We're on dangerous ground here, but I believe that we can stay away from contentious dogmatic issues. In fact, I believe that is exactly what you need to do - stop letting the standards associated (often incorrectly, but that's another discussion) with a particular religious dogma define who you are, or who you should be. Don't get my wrong. I know that spirituality is a complex thing, which is almost inevitably made still more complex by our upbringing, peer group, and other cultural influences. Ginapoodle can probably expand on that better than I, her journey to a place of peace with herself being more recent than mine. I'd be happy to relate mine via PM, but the main thing I would try to get across is the need to "do the work". Finding that harmony won't come from without. No worldly authority can give it to you.

    From what you describe, the term transsexual doesn't quite fit, but that still leaves a lot of spectrum on which to find your place. Counseling, with someone with training and experience in the field, would probably be very helpful. Again, they won't give you answers, but they are very good at helping you find them for yourself.

    Hugs,


    Kelly

  3. #3
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    In your previous post (4 yrs ago), you wrote that you had never fully dressed feminine. Is that still true? I always try to encourage people who are questioning their identity to go to as many transgender support groups/events and meet as many transgender people as they can. You will learn so much more about yourself by doing life and talking with other transgender women, in person, regardless of where they fall on the gender spectrum.

    And if you've already done that, and still aren't sure, then take another step. Maybe try hair removal. Or maybe HRT. After each step, you can stop, think, and re-evaluate where you are and see how you feel. Nothing is permanent (except SRS) and you can always stop or even de-transition if you don't need to go further.

    As for me, I really didn't know who I was until I finally gave myself permission to connect with others in my local transgender community. I started meeting other transgender people for the first time, and it was eye-opening. At one point I was attending 5 different support groups all around my metro area. I had a lot of fun, I formed new friendships, and I had some deep conversations about where I was and where I might go. It was a very exciting time in my life! I learned so much about other trans people, their gender identities, and eventually found my own identity. Maybe you will as well, if you also give yourself permission.

  4. #4
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    Thank you, Mirya. Yes, it is still true that I have never dressed fully as a woman. I t was always a goal of mine to eventually do so but a variety of factors lack of money, personal fear, international travel in countries where cross-gender behavior isn't really that well accepted, and parents who while they love me and support me are still not ready to see me dressed as a woman or to have their son potentially become their daughter, especially now that they feel that this issue is behind me because I haven't discussed these issues with them in years have limited me in this pursuit.. I think my girlfriend is the only source I have for support and expression and I have to be careful not to move too fast so as not to alienate her. As for support groups, the area I live in is pretty conservative so these resources may not be available anywhere except for the college and I am no longer a student there so I may not be able to access them. I want to just jump in and get into it but I'm just not a jump right in sort of person. I realize nothing ventured nothing gained is absolutely true in matters of gender identity, but my own fear my own mind has been as big of a stumbling block as anything else.

  5. #5
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    Hi Brianna,
    In the place I live, both colleges have support group which are open to the general public. In fact, part of their mission is to provide general good for the community at large. So I encourage you to check them out.

  6. #6
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    Update: had a roller coaster of a day. Had a conversation with my mother that started out with me talking more about the trip I took with my girlfriend and how deeply I love her for accepting me for who I am and she asked if gender identity was still a part of that and I said yes. I relayed to her many of the things I mentioned in the OP focusing on how the feelings had returned and telling her I now know for sure I would have been happier having been born a woman, but remembering what she said about the limitations of transition and her concerns about the future for me post transition which I believe are valid and also telling her that I'm not fighting a bout of overt hatred for my male body like I did before. I made a lighthearted albeit somewhat uneasy joke about how I wished reincarnation were real. She advised me to "put it behind me," and focus on my relationship with my girlfriend which is something I don't want to do anything to jeopardize. The profession she is going into (mortuary science) is very family centered and I don't want her to potentially lose clients because she has a trans or even just a crossdressing spouse. She's had a tough life and deserves happiness which she says she's found in me and I don't want to cause her any pain. At the end of the conversation, I promised not to pursue anything until after finding my own house and felt that asserting this even if it's an important part of my life and who I am would be out of character for me because I frequently subjugate my wishes and desires for others. It made sense to me because the dysphoria isn't strong right now, it's more a persistent wave. I knew I would probably regret these concessions and that I was kind of deluding myself thinking I could hold to them, but I don't like conflict or disappointing people. She says it's easier to accept transgender issues when it's not her kid facing them. It hits too close. What followed was a workday filled with analyzing every fleeting thought I had whenever my mind wasn't occupied (I said I wouldn't overanalyze,) and at times thoughts both of transitioning and not gave me peace. I must have flipped my position around several times and all I got was a stomachache the genesis of which I am uncertain. Am I fearing the full acceptance and embrace of my true identity especially the unknowns attached to it or is it my brain and body pleading with me not to make the wrong decision? All I know is I imagine my post transition self as active more confident and more helpful and a take-charge type, traits I don't show as frequently now. I have an urge to get healthier when I think about transitioning that doesn't really exist otherwise. I wonder, however, is there a chance the urge to transition will go away if I do get healthier? I doubt it since I've struggled off and on with this since adolescence but then again I've always been overweight.

  7. #7
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    I can tell you my experience only. everyone is different, though the similarity between the average mtf trans stories i've read and my own shocked me.

    1. Crossdressing since age 5. getting caught made me better at hiding it.
    2. wanting to be a girl from around 8 years old. i can remember reading books with girl characters and wanting to be the girl, have a period like her, etc.
    3. having a girlfriend around 10 and wanting to be her.
    4. almost no trans thoughts or activities in high school. i think puberty and the pursuit of girls pushed it into the background for a while.
    5. college. intense crossdressing. sometimes with a sexual component. seeking out ts information on the dl. sneaking around the library trying to find books on ts'. wanting to and wishing i could transition. sadness over telling myself i couldn't because i would dissapoint family, would not be employable. moderate shame.
    6. serious girlfriend who tolerates and assists me crossdressing. secretly and shamefully still wish i was a woman.
    7. girlfriend freaks when she does my makeup for the first time. madly in love so don't try that again.
    8. post college. still have ts desires. try bargaining with God to make my weirdness go away. of course it doesn't.
    9. marry gf, career, grad school, family, houses fill free time with hobbies. when tg/ts feelings arise, change the mental subject. stay busy, cd occassionaly for sexual purposes.
    10. life is stable and on a track. one day on the web reading something, realize i'm tg. terrible feeling in pit of my stomach. intensely research and confirm. tell wife who freaks, but deals.
    11. vow to take the slow path exploring and learning who/what i am. Dysphoria is constant, but waxes and wanes in intensity. cycle through anger and depression. determine i'm likely ts and will transition to a certain extent. basically accept that i am or will be a transwoman, probably won't pass and need to be ok with it.

    which is where i am today. i'm going to slooooooooowly start transitioning with laser hair removal this fall, and then probably low level hrt.

    i went to a support mtg during the summer where i went out completely en femme for the first time. when i got back and my wife asked me how it was, i told her " i'm totally f$*#ed". because it felt absolutely right for the first time ever, and i was around some crossdressers, which confirmed i wasnt a crossdresser. that's what spooled the anger and depression cycle i just got out of.

    on the upside, i have a plan that i think can work without demolishing the lives of my family, i'm pretty sure my wife and i will make it through full transition if it comes to that, if i keep on the slow road, and i had 20 good years where i was in denial and kept the gd at bay.
    Last edited by Nikki.; 09-06-2017 at 11:36 PM.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    sorry you are feeling so down!!

    you have to learn to trust yourself...its ok..you are growing and learning...
    ..sounds silly... but you will struggle until you trust yourself...

    it makes sense to share openly...especially tough feelings...so often you find out many people have shared those feelings..
    i had no way to trust my feelings...i felt i was a girl...soooo confusing and damaging and frustrating...lol....it causes me to not really trust my thoughts...i apologize for myself all the time..(much less than before)
    i have shared your feelings...and your penchant for over analyzing too..you are not alone

    id say this...
    ...dont apologize for who you are...or for what you think..or for what choices and decisions youve made...
    dont even apologize for apologizing too much!!!
    and especially for trying to live your best life... anybody that gets in the way of that is a problem...
    you are not doing anything wrong...

    even if in the end your reality is that you cant come to terms...or you are not making progress... dont apologize...

    and just keep trying to live your best quality of life....
    I am real

  9. #9
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    My path is a little different than Nikki's
    1. No early crossdressing but repeated desire to play female roles in games and even adopt female names in the games I even remember going around telling classmates I would change my name to a female name after a character in a movie
    2. Strangely however no public proclamations that I am or want to be a girl Also no discernible shame associated with these activities that they were "wrong " I just did them
    3. Identifying strongly with female characters in movies and shows on at least three occasions by the age of six or seven (but also liking shows and characters one would expect a boy to like
    4. First wanting to wear makeup around the age of six but knew it was wrong and that my parents would disapprove
    5. Curiosity about transgender identity begins before puberty but I don't recall any connection between that curiosity and my innate sense of self However, I was not repulsed by the idea except that I had a fear of needles The idea of changing gender didn't bother me rather I found it interesting but probably just as a phenomenon

    6. Very little in the way of TG behavior until puberty Only occasional thoughts of wanting to be a girl Crossdressing starts at puberty but only underdressing because I was overweight and didn't think my mother's clothes would fit Thoughts of wanting to be a girl and imagining myself as one begin to varying degrees of intensity but not consistent Since I was single, I suspected I was concocting an image as a substitute but I wanted to live that image although I consistently identified as male throughout possibly out of shame and fear I desperately sought a signifier of maleness to make this go away This is the first real sign of a possible disconnect between biology and gender identity for me

    7. After a brief respite feelings return at age 15. Dysphoria attacks aggressively I consider suicide and altering my body myself but decide against that when I find out the tissue is necessary for transition I reason that I feel like a failure as a man and wonder if that's why all of this female stuff is going through my head Underdressing more consistent and more open but still not public and not daily I still identity as male but it feels like I may be fighting a losing battle

    8. Dysphoria subsides with only occasional flare-ups around age 18 I develop a major crush on an exchange student Great sense of peace and comfort in my male identity occurs The fact that it took years for me to tell her how I feel probably allowed for this to last so long

    9. Tell crush how I feel and get rejected Desperate search for a girlfriend begins but gender issues return quickly and impact my ability to focus on my studies. I read an article on a subset of gender dysphoric people and find it's a dead ringer for me I become aware that I might need to transition and admit that I feel that I would have been happier and more confident if I had been born female I go to counseling and join this forum but mostly suffer from analysis paralysis Parental concern and resistance curtails any serious attempts to transition Male identity predominates but it feels as though I may just be being conciliatory at this point and making concessions for others I cannot say for sure because I never really felt sure about anything with this and I was terrified of making the wrong decision I think the uncertainty stemmed from a lack of ability to explore and experiment But for the sake of my future I focus on building my resume

    10. The plan works dysphoria stops to nil Multiple milestones reached in life degrees first job first girlfriend. Return to Christianity. Politics shift dramatically but I don't get the sense I'm suppressing even though this looks like a hypermasculinity phase. I wonder if the feelings will come back or if they've gone away but I place my confidence in the fact that they have I even joke with my girlfriend about my gender issues I notice that I largely avoid TG related news stories especially ones that deal with lived experience which had affected me in past dysphoric bouts.

    11. A fleeting thought enters my head I see women going shopping and something in my brain clicks I don't know if it was how they looked or how they carry themselves or what but I think "I want their life I don't necessarily hate mine, but I wish I had theirs I want to go through life as a woman and I can't explain to myself why." "Oh crap we're back aren't we?" Now I see that those comments and jokes to my girlfriend were my way of testing the waters on her attitudes toward TG issues. I tell her I want to explore this. She's confused but accepts though she wants anything I do to be slow and private. I agree to her request grateful for the support she has offered. Which leads me to why I'm posting here again.


    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    you have to learn to trust yourself...its ok..you are growing and learning...
    ..sounds silly... but you will struggle until you trust yourself...
    How does one develop trust in one's feelings? Even though I claim to be unsure of my identity and I guess to some extent I still am I think I've done this dance frequently enough that there must be something behind it . Am I wrong to think that?
    Last edited by Rianna Humble; 09-07-2017 at 10:15 PM. Reason: Please do not quote entire posts

  10. #10
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Experience

    you learn from experience
    I am real

  11. #11
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    The past couple days have been simultaneously eventful and uneventful. Uneventful in the sense that I did what I always do: get up go to work come home eat sleep etc. but eventful in my interactions with my parents. Two nights ago, in an attempt to follow up on the discussion my mother and I had that morning (she drives me to work each day as I have no drivers license) my mother had an anxiety attack. I felt awful thinking that I had caused it, but my mother told me she was going through a lot of stress on top of my issues and this overwhelmed her. I felt so selfish and apologized profusely. I calmed her down by trying to reassure her that her son was here and was not going anywhere and reaffirming my promise to her that I wouldn't try anything associated with transition while still living with my parents. (I knew I wasn't being totally truthful, even though I do intend to keep that promise because in that moment and always maintaining family harmony and making others comfortable is important to me ) I know that no one transitions in a way that makes everyone happy but still I naievely cling to the notion that I can find such a way.

    I retreated into my room and read more articles on TG experience and learned some things that startled me and made me think:

    Dysphoria can manifest itself in ways other than overt depression (I haven't felt significantly depressed in a long time) and one of the ways it happens is that doing basic things becomes difficult and it almost looks like laziness but it isn't. (since I've begun considering these questions and I feel like I have a little more clarity than I did years ago I have more energy and feel better and more productive in general.

    Dysphoria isn't necessarily constant. I think this is mostly true because many who are TS don't necessarily live their whole pre-transition lives depressed and dysphoric. There are times when they can bury it and have it go underground and lie dormant beneath the surface, as I have been able to at times. During these times they may even play the role of their assigned gender well (and I do) but dysphoria always wins in the end for a TS.

    I took great comfort from this information and have come to realize that I've been going about this all wrong. The answer to gender identity is not found in a search for signs and signifiers, nor by analyzing every fleeting thought or action to ascertain its meaning in a wider context. This can be instructive to a point, but because nobody--not even cisgender people-- exhibit perfect masculinity or perfect femininity, one won't receive concrete answers from this sort of analysis. Therefore, the fact that I have no real reason for these feelings and desires to be a woman to articulate as an answer to anyone's questions is significant. It doesn't mean that I'm not sure of my identity, don't know what I want with respect to it, or don't understand it. It means that my identity simply is. People are trans simply because they are and there's no easy explanation for any reasoning that may be behind it that can be understood by anyone who does not have this experience. I took great comfort from this realization, but two things still puzzle me:

    I woke up a couple of nights ago still thinking "I can't do this," my biggest fear being the social cost of transitioning , and the second thing is, although I believe that I have great clarity on my identity at the individual level, while I'm with others I have trouble articulating it even to those who know I'm struggling and have struggled with these issues. I can even feel comfortable as a man around them Does that mean I really don't know who I am?

  12. #12
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Becoming Brianna View Post
    The answer to gender identity is not found in a search for signs and signifiers, nor by analyzing every fleeting thought or action to ascertain its meaning in a wider context. [...]It means that my identity simply is. People are trans simply because they are and there's no easy explanation for any reasoning that may be behind it that can be understood by anyone who does not have this experience.
    (emphasis added.)

    I believe that realizing that your identity simply is, is the key insight for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Becoming Brianna View Post
    I woke up a couple of nights ago still thinking "I can't do this," my biggest fear being the social cost of transitioning , and the second thing is, although I believe that I have great clarity on my identity at the individual level, while I'm with others I have trouble articulating it even to those who know I'm struggling and have struggled with these issues. I can even feel comfortable as a man around them Does that mean I really don't know who I am?
    The "cost of transition" is daunting when you look at it as a whole. My personal experience to date is that I pay it in small increments. I use happiness as my guide and follow it as I progress from one short-term goal to another. It softens the effect and in some respect it paves the way for the next step. I was fortunate that I didn't lose the love and respect of anyone I cared about, but I think part of the reason was that they were seeing the changes in me and they could see the happiness I was drawing from those changes. If someone loves you, how could they not want you to be happy?

    So I'd say, relax. You don't have to be able to explain this -- it's not your job. And don't anticipate trouble, face it as it comes. Trouble has an interesting property: it looks bigger from a distance than it does up close.

    Good luck.
    Last edited by Pat; 09-12-2017 at 07:45 AM. Reason: spelling
    I am not a woman; I don't want to be a woman; I don't want to be mistaken for a woman.
    I am not a man; I don't want to be a man; I don't want to be mistaken for a man.
    I am a transgender person. And I'm still figuring out what that means.

  13. #13
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    Thank you so much. Maybe I can try some small subtle steps that are difficult to notice at first just to see how increased feminine expression feels and then add more concrete steps as needed when I feel more ready and am in a better position. I had planned to do just this while still in college but I was terrified of how others would react (I still am). Does anyone know the safest most subtle and under the radar thing one can do to start this process and even take the first few small baby steps?

  14. #14
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    After spending most of Sunday after I posted in the morning and the workday Monday playing more identity ping pong where I thought I could feel myself going back towards remaining a male (I know I promised I wouldn't overanalyze but instead of looking at individual signifiers I am gauging the general feeling and vibe for the day I had moments of peace with the thought of transition as well).

    I had a decided shift. On the ride home, I shifted toward transition, then back to not after getting home. I felt a sick uneasy feeling about transition almost like my body was trying to say "don't do this , you're a man." I wondered if I was really speaking to myself or if this was a desperate attempt to hold on. I began to hold my head in pain wishing everything would just go away and get out of my head and leave me alone. I thought again after dinner and the thought of transition felt right again. I even took the step of introducing myself to my mother as Brianna and her daughter and it felt really good and brought me peace. I spent the next 2-3 hours comfortable in the thought of transitioning, but I feel it shifting again now. I feel like this happens whenever I consider other peoples' feelings or talk to my girlfriend.

    It makes me wonder just who in the heck I'm staying male for, I suspect it isn't me although my desire not to lose anyone I love could have something to do with it. I also don't understand why I want to transition and can affirm that I am a woman while simultaneously not finding my present male life completely unbearable or unacceptable or harboring any conscious hatred for my body and my pronouns. (I wonder if not having presented as female before keeps this in my head as valid because I have nothing to compare my present life to). I just believe for some reason I don't understand that I would be living happier and more authentically as a woman .

  15. #15
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    It's difficult to come to any more conclusions when you don't have any experiences to draw upon. You just end up thinking yourself into circles; it's quite maddening. You really need to start building some real-life experiences for yourself and get involved in some way with the transgender community in your area.

  16. #16
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    You are stuck in your habits.
    As Mirya says ...experience.
    Whether its fear or habits..you have to bust out..

    somehow, some way, you have to find experience in your life.. a conference is often the best thing...any get together that is directed towards transgender people...
    its not only that you are 'over analyzing' ....you are doing it with no data.... i cant add up numbers to get an answer if i don't know the numbers..

    you have to do it... gender dysphoria never gets better unless you can express the part of you that is crying out...whether that part is woman or crossdresser or anything in between...you have to do some living...

    I went to a four day gathering in philadelphia in 2007.... that was it... I had focused on crossdressing...i was suffering... i FINALLY went to a conference and spent the weekend as "michele"....

    after that i knew but the next year was spent doing exactly what you are doing.. thinking and worrying...

    but i had the data...i knew what was going to happen...i didnt know when or how.... and when i finally decided, it was actually not that hard at all to proceed

    in rereading post i noticed you talked about weight..
    me too...for years i weighted over 210 lbs... at one point i got myself to 240.... I'm 6'2 i got as big as possible
    like you i kind of took comfort in it...cant transition now!!!

    years later i lost 90lbs!! i couldnt stop losing weight... the tables had flipped...anything!!!!! to stay in male life was replaced by the opposite..
    maybe you need to get there in your mind



    Bottom line is that you say in your OP that you can travel 10000 miles..

    until you've really done something to that you can touch feel and really EXPERIENCE, you haven't really traveled at all!!!
    Last edited by Kaitlyn Michele; 09-12-2017 at 08:55 AM.
    I am real

  17. #17
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    You've given me great inspiration to go for a walk or to the gym. I've been trying to manage my food intake the past few weeks and have kind of blown it recently. I leave meals feeling disgusted by how much I've eaten. I don't feel depressed I'm just eating and I know it's not helpful no matter what I decide to do (or not do ) with respect to transition. Quick question: I have found out about an LGBT support group that is a long but manageable walk from my house. I want to go but am afraid that my parents would find out that's where I'm going. I just have a few questions about what to expect from groups: what generally happens during support group meetings and do I need to pay to attend?

  18. #18
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    every group is different....

    you listen to people talk...you talk if you can or if you choose...
    you get to spend time with real people that may be going through something you can relate to

    some may have speeches or topics or vendors selling things...
    we had wig vendors at events.



    its best if the group has TG people involved... Gay is not trans...
    I am real

  19. #19
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    When I read posts like yours, Brianna, it hits me how dangerous and misleading it can be for some of us stuck thinking, "binary". That we must either be male or female. That leaves many of us wanting something we can't have: To be either one or the other.

    The fact is, most of us r somewhere in the middle. If only we, and society, could accept that? I think many of us would be much happier!

    I should have worded that in the form of a question. I don't claim to have any answers!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  20. #20
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    I have considered the possibility that I am or may be nonbinary. I think it may certainly be possible even probable. I do wonder if all the thought I have given to transition is simply my desire to rigidly categorize myself and put myself in a box. "If not A then B" and you are so right that such thinking is very dangerous with regard to questions of gender. I really do just need to take that first step I know regardless of how it feels or what conclusions I draw from it, I will feel happier because I actually took concrete action to start down the path to becoming truly me. It's just difficult where I am now because I live with two parents who wish this would all go away and would rather I not express any of this even if they would never disown me or throw me out for it.

  21. #21
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Part of growing up is gaining the respect of your parents, as an adult, a peer. They'll always be your parents, but as someone who has demonstrated that he or she can make decisions as an adult and no longer requires authoritarian intervention that is expected until we reach that point. Now, that is far easier said than done and some, parent or child, never reach that stage. Hopefully you have, or soon will, and can ask for the consideration and understanding that is due you as you grapple with your identity.

    Pursuing the support group is probably a good start. It shows that you are willing to put work into your journey. Good luck to you, sweetie.

    Hugs,


    Kelly
    Last edited by Aunt Kelly; 09-18-2017 at 10:07 PM.

  22. #22
    Member Anne Elizabeth's Avatar
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    Becoming Brianna;

    I believe that if you read everyone's remarks you will find that we all have similar yet very different stories. Have I the right answers for you no. For me my history starts around 3 years old I knew something was different but wasn't sure what it was. Then around 5 neighbor, brother and sister did a dress up and went around the block. Something clicked then and I wanted to do it more. Why? I did not know but probably was it felt right for me to present as a girl. Then around first grade I found myself thinking that I should have been a girl and not a boy. Off and on through out grade school I would steal snip its of time crossdressing always careful not to get caught. this progressed throughout high school and on always feeling that I should have been born female. Well life got in the way married, child divorce remarried children, constantly sneaking around crossdressing under-dressing you name it is did it. for years there was the mental games i would dress in female clothes as it felt right, I was driven to. I just felt right. Then the ugly mental issue would come up and it would tell me this is not right, perverse, against my religion, on and on. I would purge thinking it would clear my mind. Yea that did not work. Finally I talked to my wife, not good. The resources we had available then were not very promising as it was thought as a perversion. Yet I could not stop. I had to be myself, a female. Then about 10 years ago my wife and I had a head to head and i started to really find out why I felt this way. Went to a counselor, attended Pflag meetings, There was a large contingent of Transgender folks there. I worked at my presentation, dressing appropriate for me. All the while my wife was hurting tremendously. We separated for a while and are back together. I have a photo of myself fully dressed when my hair was long enough and when I saw myself in the mirror I almost collapsed. It was the real me! The person I should have been all along.
    Currently I under dress a lot, I work as a wood artist in a studio across town and I lock the door and dress as I wish. I dress as I need at home and my wife I am sure wishes life could go back to before but it can't. Many times she wishes I could be myself and sometimes hurts for me. I wish I could walk out the door as a female and interact with everyone as my true self. (I now see what is ment by living the lie). When I was doing the soul searching and counseling I came to terms with the Christian, Bible Moral issue and have no problems anymore. (If you want to know more PM me) I can't stay here and continue and live with my wife and transition as she is a very public figure and she provides most of the income. I can't risk that. She is a minister. So until things change I keep myself busy, dress as I can to help me deal with it thinking that some day I can change.
    The crux of telling you my story. If you really want to know you have to do a lot of crying, soul searching, counseling, experimenting, to really find out your true self. I know more about myself and my life around me than most people do about themselves. I have bared it all and gone to the depths and fully understand myself. It has been great finally getting to know my real self. Find yourself and become yourself and if it is making consessions make those you can be happy with and live by.

  23. #23
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    Aunt Kelly and Anne Elizabeth, I know you're right. It's just a bit harder for me. I know I have parents that only want my comfort and happiness. In fact, it's a major reason why they hope all this gender identity stuff would just go away for me. They are extremely risk-averse people. They're afraid of how hard they imagine my life will become if I transition. Owing largely to having been born premature, I struggle to perform a lot of basic tasks like household chores that are second nature to most people. Even though I think I can now perform most of these tasks competently, albeit slowly, I have come to depend on my parents' assistance to such a degree that I still don't know if I can make it on my own. I tried twice while living abroad and survived though I still needed a lot of help and support. I didn't prove that I can handle life alone. Therefore, my parents' influence is great and their opinions have always meant a lot to me. Although they've said that they're not going to disown me, they've told me that my relationship with them would be affected. I don't want to cause them any stress.

    I also have a girlfriend who loves me deeply and I love her. She's had a tough life and I don't want to be the next in a long line of people who have failed her. I promised her I wouldn't be and I sincerely meant that promise. The thought of causing her to hurt brings me to tears every time I think about it. It's one of the few things that can move me to tears on this issue. She accepts my limitations and supports and loves me through them but she has told me that she will not stay with me if I transition. I did a lot of crying back when I was last posting on this site but a lot has changed since then. Believe it or not, I feel as though I have greater clarity on my identity than I did back then and I know my parents love me regardless, so I don't know how much crying I'm going to do but I know I have to soul search and experiment but how can I do that without drawing too much attention to myself and my situation vis a vis my gender identity? I'm terrified of making a mistake.

    Sometimes I feel as though I've lost my voice with respect to this issue and that I lost it years ago. Am I remaining male for others or myself? What's naturally a part of who I am and what isn't? Am I trying to convince myself to transition? If so why? I've already said in this thread that I don't know why I want to be a woman and should have been born female, I just do. I like the person who emerges when I give small expression to my femininity. Yet, I don't hate the person who's there when I don't. It's kind of neutral. He's just kinda there and yet he's okay. Is that only because I have accepted that I can't transition right now for various reasons so I've learned to subvert my desires even if it's not really what I want ? If so how long is that going to last? My dysphoria is much less than it was years ago yet I feel myself identifying as female more than ever (still not hating masculine pronouns and I imagine myself doing work as a woman less but as a man more This is another reversal from years ago.) Is it possible that disparity would grow with greater expression and experimentation? Are the imaginings going away because I now have a stronger sense of female identity or are they a warning? Maybe it's a sign that my identity is becoming real to me? But what if I'm deluding myself?
    Last edited by Becoming Brianna; 09-18-2017 at 08:11 PM.

  24. #24
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Becoming Brianna View Post
    I like the person who emerges when I give small expression to my femininity. Yet, I don't hate the person who's there when I don't. It's kind of neutral. He's just kinda there and yet he's okay.
    I have said those very words, Brianna. I've kind of accepted that I am "gender fluid". At times I have a powerful need to express as feminine, and I am much happier when I do. Other times, I'm content with my boy self. That's not the mindset of a true transsexual, as I understand it, and I am happy to defer to the transwomen here who surely have a better fix on it than we do. I will say that those TS's that I know never seemed to have much ambivalence about their gender. I'd want to have that kind of certainty before I decided to transition. I don't, but it took a long time, years, to come to that realization.
    By all means, do the soul searching and experimentation. It seems to me that you must do that in order to know more about yourself, but I would also repeat my suggestion to seek gender counseling. It will surely be a shortcut to finding yourself, compared to the path so many of us have taken.

    Hugs,


    Kelly

  25. #25
    Member Mirya's Avatar
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    The most important question you have to answer for yourself is, "What is my gender identity?" Or as it relates to this forum specifically, "Am I a transsexual?" Or to put it quite simply, "Am I a woman?"

    If you can answer that question, then your path forward becomes much more clear. All these other questions and considerations swirling around your head are distractions and excuses to the one, central question that really matters.

    The thought of hurting your girlfriend by transitioning should not even be a factor in the equation. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. If you really are a transsexual - that is, if you really are a woman, then on what basis is your relationship with your girlfriend built upon? She considers you her boyfriend. You are the man in the relationship. But if you're not really a man but a woman, your relationship is based on a terrible lie. I realize that was not your intention when you two got together, but it doesn't change the fact that your relationship is and always has been based on a false premise. She isn't even in love with the real you; she's in love with a fake, male version of yourself. How is that fair to her, to be presenting a false image of yourself to her? How can you genuinely love her if you're not being your genuine self? Would it not be a greater act of love to set her free, so she can move on and find love with someone who is being real about who they really are? At the very least you owe it to her to be your true self first, THEN let her make the decision to either love you for who you really are as a woman, or to move on to be with someone else. By not presenting as your authentic self before her, you are taking that decision and control away from her. There is no honor in that.

    You have to get over the idea that you are giving up something by transitioning. The fact is that everything you currently have - relationships, career, etc - is all based on something - actually someone (you!) - that isn't even real. You are not real. You are not the real version of yourself. You are a fake.

    Of course, this is all based on the premise that you are a transsexual woman (this is the TS forum, after all). If you're not a woman, then you should put these thoughts behind you and live like the man that you are. But if you're a transsexual woman, it's time to stop living a lie, and more importantly, stop making decisions based on the incorrect assumption that you have something to lose. The truth is that you don't even have anything to begin with, because nothing is based on the reality of your true identity as a woman. Things that have 'value' based on a critical, personal falsehood do not have any true value at all.

    So, what is your gender identity? Are you a woman? Or are you a man? If you're not either, then I can't help you anymore because I'm a transsexual woman. Maybe our friends in the non-binary subforum can help. And if you're not sure what your gender identity is, make it your top priority to figure it out for yourself. It's a question for which only you know the answer. And as others have mentioned, a gender therapist can sometimes help you find your way.

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