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Thread: You can travel on 10000 miles....

  1. #26
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mirya View Post

    You have to get over the idea that you are giving up something by transitioning. The fact is that everything you currently have - relationships, career, etc - is all based on something - actually someone (you!) - that isn't even real. You are not real. You are not the real version of yourself. You are a fake.

    Of course, this is all based on the premise that you are a transsexual woman (this is the TS forum, after all). If you're not a woman, then you should put these thoughts behind you and live like the man that you are. But if you're a transsexual woman, it's time to stop living a lie, and more importantly, stop making decisions based on the incorrect assumption that you have something to lose. The truth is that you don't even have anything to begin with, because nothing is based on the reality of your true identity as a woman. Things that have 'value' based on a critical, personal falsehood do not have any true value at all.

    ................. It's a question for which only you know the answer. And as others have mentioned, a gender therapist can sometimes help you find your way.

    Sounds harsh..."you are not real".... but it resonates with me... it wasnt a feeling of being a woman that got me to transition really..

    8 years into it and I STILL HAVE A PROBLEM calling myself a woman... the way i coped doesnt seem to allow me to accept that as fact...

    however...big however... my suffering was real... i could touch that... and the suffering came from an overwhelming feeling of otherness and emptiness... i could feel that i was not real...that feeling grew and grew and finally i gave in and accepted my actual reality as opposed to the one i built up over the years... the one i could not feel at all.
    I am real

  2. #27
    Member Anne Elizabeth's Avatar
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    Yes Kaitlyn your last paragraph speaks so much to me.

  3. #28
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    Miirya, your words have hit me like a ton of bricks and I needed to take some time before responding. I have been doing a lot of thinking since your post. The thought that all that I've ever been and ever done is false is very jarring and the thought of transition in less than supportive circumstances and in my not-so-great financial state is daunting. At first I got defensive but then I remembered the way I felt back in college. I took a psychology\religion class which had a heavy reflective writing component as part of my degree. I tried to speak in very general terms and mention as little as possible for fear that the professor would brand me a basket case or that my parents would find these writings. In them, I spoke of a profound need to find peace e within myself and live authentically--a need that was not being met at the time as I was battling heavy gender dysphoria, seeing a counselor and considering whether transition was the right path for me. My sadness was compounded when I told my parents what was wrong (I wasn't sure I was TS at the time but felt fairly strongly that I might be) and they became sad,anxious, and uneasy. I could feel their pain and I felt very depressed, like my desires and identity issues\exploration were a bad thing that caused pain to people I love. It ran so counter to one of my earliest desires and memories that I felt I needed to put this all away and "play the hand I was dealt so that I wouldn't hurt or disappoint others. Shortly thereafter, I struck what felt like an uneasy truce between myself and my circumstances and continued to accumulate accomplishments and experience as a male. This worked for awhile until a few weeks ago which brought me back here.

    What was that early memory? I was a presence (I don't think I had a gender as this memory was formed before I understood such concepts) and wherever I went whatever I touched I brought healing and eased others' pain. I did this not by taking away the pain, but by bearing it myself so that I was the only being that ever felt pain. This quickly found a core place in my identity and became my ideal for who I wanted to be. Any action that ran counter to that was bad and caused me great distress. This formed a lifetime of fear of hurting and disappointing others and at times subverting my own plans and desires that I carry to this day.

    During times of dysphoria, I feel alone even in groups (this also can happen because I'm highly intelligent but it's far worse when I'm thinking about my identity) My soul cries out for community for a chance to express myself and learn once and for all who I am but I find little or none and I know that any move towards transition would break the hearts of those who love and support me and who I have come to need and depend on. I'm afraid to face the world alone. I always have been. I know my parents (while strongly against transition) are saying the right things about loving me anyway and not disowning me but it's really easy to say those things when nothing's happened and it's all hypothetical, but what if it's real and their son is becoming their daughter and it turns out they were lying? Sure it's easy to say that they never truly loved me and I should move on, but it would be so painful to lose that most sacred and important of relationships especially with limited means to support myself.

    While I was still thinking about your words, my girlfriend visited me and I felt so in tune with her. Recently I've been responding to her in ways I never did before. It didn't feel like a male with a female to me for most of the night though strong desire was still there. I felt an urge on multiple occasions to tell her "I'm a woman," but I just couldn't. I get the same urge around my parents recently but I can't find the courage to say it and own it. The past few days I've found myself shutting my eyes when I look at mirrors (I did this last time as well,) yet when I think about asserting my identity publicly I get a pain in my stomach or my heart and I don't know if it's a sign I shouldn't transition or just simple fear of the unknown that awaits me if I do. I get this pain sometimes when I think about others and their feelings\reactions; but I have a growing sense that I may simply be staying male for others and not for myself but I'm still afraid of making a mistake and that I may be deluding myself. That identity as male\son\boyfriend felt truly real until very recently and now I find myself wondering if it ever really was. It's a lot to work through and process.

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